Diary of a Kinky Librarian

“Do you know about science?”

A little.

“Is it possible break your penis?”

Whenever I successfully have a sexy encounter I feel like it’s worthy of a victory dance. I think I need to come up with a theme song for those times. Hmmm. I dunno. My general sexual theme song is AC/DC by Joan Jett. *grin* But I need something else. I’m open to ideas.

Davey and I took the day off today to go play in the city. We went to an excellent restaurant for lunch (we can splurge on the lunch special, dinner’s a bit over the budget) and enjoyed excellent food and service. Then we went to the UN for a tour. Next Davey got his hair cut and then finally we trekked downtown to Babeland for some shopping. We finally picked up the chocolate body powder we’d been talking about getting (comes with a feather) and I got some flavored condoms for when I enjoy safer oral sex. (No more Blo condoms though! I love those! I need to write to Babeland about this.) Then we picked up dinner to take home and we were on our way. On the train back, I suggested that between the nutella we had at home and the chocolate body powder we’d have a very delicious dessert indeed.

Dinner and showers was followed by dessert. I took the lead and teased his body with the feather and dabbed body powder and nutella on his chest, nipples and then finally his penis. Yum! Nutella flavored boy is great. I got him so worked up that I ended up finishing him off with my hand. It’s so fun to get someone achingly worked up.

Next he enjoyed some dessert (chocolate/nutella flavored girl of course!) and used the feather for gentle tickling. After some cunnilingus, I asked for my butt plug, something I don’t ask for very often. I thorougly enjoyed his tongue while filled with the butt plug. Next I reached into the bedside table for my bullet vibe and favorite dildo. Double toy penetration was on the menu! It felt really good to be so filled up and this led to loads of earth-shattering orgasms. He fucked me while the butt plug was still in. Inevitably the damn thing slid out and we finished without it. All in all it was a hot, sweaty, sticky, down and dirty round of sex. And I LIKED IT.

I sound like my old self in this post, and it sure feels good. Gotta celebrate the victories. Just last night I was feeling decidedly un-horny and all PTSD-like. Grr. The anniversary of my assault is this week (I deliberately don’t know exactly which day, I think the 28th.) and various feeling have surfaced more intensely. But tonight is proof that I can move on from it and reclaim my sexuality. Hooray!

It’s all too easy for me to forget that most of the world doesn’t think like I do about relationships. Last night I saw a friend I haven’t seen in years (she lives across the country) and while on the outside she’s gothy and unconventional, her idea of relationships is pretty conventional. She has this very nice boyfriend who she’s planning on moving out to the east coast for. I asked her when she’s planning on moving, since I’m the one established friend she has in the area, and she furtively pointed to her ring finger to denote that she’s moving once her boyfriend has gotten her an engagement ring. The idea of waiting to be with someone, of measuring their commitment by a ring is such a foreign idea to me. It’s not that I’m casual with my relationships, not at all, after all, Davey is the first boyfriend I seriously considered living with (and thereby have lived with). But marriage is so far out of my realm of thinking that it strikes me as odd when someone I know wants to get married. Personally, I see it as an outdated institution that’s hardly necessary for happiness and commitment.

Of course, I’m happy that my friend has met someone she wants to be with, and he seems like a very nice (and musically/creatively talented) guy and I’m all for them being together and being happy. I just don’t get the marriage thing. I certainly won’t hold it against her if she marries – that would be ridiculous. Nor would I ever try to talk her round to my way of thinking. It’s just a behavior that makes me scratch my head. Very few relationships in life last forever. Friendships come and go, relationships work for a while then stop working. People change. Davey and I are realistic about the fact that we might not be together forever. While things are going so well we of course hope it lasts forever, but you never know where life will take you. Davey’s been married and as he seeks to get a divorce from his ex finalized he often gripes about how easy it is to get married but how difficult it is to dissolve that legal union. If it was as easy to dissolve it, I might not be so against it. It seems like the legal system is determined to keep you married once you’re there. Society pressures us to do it and then makes it difficult to get out of.

I can understand wanting to have some sort of committment ceremony to declare your love for someone. And I can see legally contracting to partner up to own property together, raise children, etc. but I can’t see these things being requirements. I loathe the fact that marriage is expected of us. I might not mind the idea of it if it weren’t so damn expected. Even though “living in sin” isn’t as taboo as it once was, I still end up bearing people’s expectations that I’m waiting for the ring, that I’d be happier if Davey and I would tie the knot. But I’m perfectly happy with our current situation. I’m happier with Davey than I’ve ever been, and we’re non-monogamous and not married. To hell with the idea that you need those two things to be happy.

I’m still keeping up with my “think sexy thoughts” campaign and it’s been helped along the past day or so by the Irishman sending me some nasty, hot emails. I sure hope that shagging him turns out to be as fun as flirting with him, or I’ll be sorely disappointed! He suggested some kinky stuff (oh, being tied up, spanked, fingered in both holes but not allowed to cum). Rowr. That’s what I like.

(As long as it’s consensual! I hate that because I once mentioned using a speculum to look at my cervix in my last blog that when I was assaulted with one someone said, “Well you said you wanted that.” Let’s make it clear that a) fantasies don’t always match with what you want done in reality b) I never fetishized speculums, I just used one as a tool to look at a part of my body I wouldn’t otherwise see. I don’t find them sexual in the least. c) even if someone mentions something, in passing, it’s a good fucking idea to ask if they want YOU to do that to them – it’s not necessarily an invitation. I’ve been careful with what I say to the Irishman so he knows what’s cool and what’s something I might want to wait to do, and what I’m totally not up for. As usual, I’m being very communicative with my potential partner. At least I can look at myself and know that I did my very best to take responsiblity for myself that night I was assaulted. I spoke up and said I was being hurt and that I wanted him to stop. That he shook his head no and went beyond that is entirely his fault.)

Ah yes, sexy thoughts are still entangled with assault thoughts in my head. That’s what I’m trying to fight. I want the assault to stop intruding on sexy thoughts I have! I managed it this morning after reading the Irishman’s email and replying. I was so horny! Too bad I had to head out to work. Today was harrowing at work so I’m not feeling as horny, but I can always hope for an impromptu email from the Irishman to rev me up again.

So I continue with my “think sexy thoughts” campaign and sometimes I’m actually successful in getting horny. Maybe not with the magnitude I used to get, but it’s an improvement. I’ve decided to start reading Erosblog regularly like Davey does, as well as Bondage Blog (cuz I’m kinky like that) and other erotic blog-type amusements. It helps. It helps me remember the horny, slutty, wanton I used to be. I suggested having sex to Davey right after dinner, but he needed to digest first. (Curry chicken pie and Irish soda bread washed down with beer… yummy but filling.) I had suggested a game of Trivial Pursuit (cuz we’re nerds like that) after sex, but the game got moved up to before sex so we could digest. Luckily, Davey came up with a great idea – strip Trivial Pursuit. We made sure we each had six articles of clothing on and each time the other person got a piece you had to take an article of clothing off. I kicked his butt at the game and soon he was naked while I was still in a bra and jeans with socks on. Hee hee. He complained a bit that if things kept going the way they were going he’d have to start shaving things to get more naked.

It took me a while to get my piece to the center for a final question, and in that time he managed to answer a few more questions correctly and soon I was in just panties. (I always play Trivial Pursuit so that each spot counts for a pie piece. I don’t have the patience to play the traditional way.) I answered what he thought was the toughest question on the card once I was in the middle and therby kicked his butt at Trivial Pursuit. Nerd-girl that I am, that made me very happy and having him there naked for a while made me horny. Result! Off to the bedroom we went, supposedly the loser had to do whatever the winner wanted them to – but really we both won that game. Davey was more passionate than usual and that helps me immensely when it comes to getting horny. Usually, he’s all passionate inside his head but it doesn’t translate outside and as a result I don’t get terribly revved up. Since we have a wonderful, communicative relationship, I’ve conveyed this to him and tonight he managed to let the passion out a bit. Definitely an evening well spent. (And we were both spent afterwards!)

I got an email from the Irishman that made me hot this morning. It’s such a nice feeling to feel spontaneously horny as it’s often not that easy for me. I was writing back and I felt a twinge of nervousness at being so wanton and sexual. I worried that being so might put me in a dangerous situation again, as if I was asking for it. I had to talk to myself to realize that by being sexual, I’m NOT asking to be assaulted or raped and that by being at a sex party two years ago I wasn’t giving asshole permission to assault me. I told him to stop and he should have respected that.

It’s really sad that I have to consciously reason this out in order to enjoy myself and be sexual again. It partly explains the problem I have with being horny these days – I associate it with a bad situation and worry that being that way might lead me into another one. The consequence is that I don’t get to enjoy the feeling of horniness and unbridled sexuality – a feeling I really love. I see this is the next thing I need to work on. I have had good, hot sex recently and I need to realize that that’s the likely outcome of being sexual, not another assault. It really pisses me off that I have to go through this. I used to be so easily sexual, and orgasm so quickly and easily that this is a huge change to my life. Asshole has no idea how much he changed my life by his actions.

The complete inability for people to take responsibility for their actions and just say, “I’m sorry” when they’ve fucked up pisses me off to no end. (My mother is a shining example of this and probably why this is such a loaded topic for me.) This evening, for instance, Davey and I are making our way across the parking lot to the grocery store when he says, “Woah! She’s going to hit you.” I suddenly see tail lights and jump out of the way, shouting while I do so. Davey is waving his arms wildly in the woman’s rear window and after a few seconds of that she finally, slowly, stops. She didn’t slam on the brakes like we surprised her. And when Davey firmly but politely told her that she should watch where she’s going she comes back with, “Do you think I’d hit her on purpose?”

“No, but you should be more careful and watch where you’re going. Goodnight.”

And we start to walk away. Well the bitch isn’t done yet saying crap and I turn around (I’ve got a temper on me) and tell her that if she was watching where she was going she wouldn’t have nearly hit me. She gets out of her car to say that, “Since I’ve been here (she has an accent and is apparently from a caribbean island, not that that’s here nor there) I notice people just walk out in front of moving cars. That don’t make no kinda sense.” I was furious but also shaken at having just had a car nearly hit me. Davey again tells her to watch where she’s going and to have a goodnight and, pissed off, I walk away saying, “Stupid bitch.”

Of course, in quick encounters like this, we never think of a quick response. Oh no, that comes to us about 20 minutes later, in the grocery store, when I wished I had pointed out to the woman, “Bitch, your reverse lights weren’t even on until I was halfway across your car!” Gah! Had this woman just said a simple, “I’m sorry” it would have diffused the situation and we’d have just said, “Well just watch where you’re going.” Instead, she has to argue when she clearly wasn’t looking behind her as she started to pull out. When she got out of her car I thought, “Oh no. Am I going to have to hit her?” I’ve never decked anyone in my life, but had she gotten in my face about it I’m sure my temper would have gotten the better of me. Thank goodness she kept a few paces away.

I was shaking as we got inside the grocery store and I still feel shaky. On the way home I start trying to concoct a Foamy the Squirrel-type rant about how stupid people shouldn’t be allowed to drive cars, but I can’t come close to being that funny. Next, I start singing, “These are people who piss, me off” to the tune of Jim Carroll’s “People Who Died.” Ah, creative catharsis. I told Davey I planned to have some Bailey’s Irish Cream when I got home. It would either calm my nerves or fuel me with more vitriol as I write my blog entry. Either way, it would be good times, Davey said.

I emailed the Latina today, and heard back. Sounds like she’s still as friendly and keen to hang out as ever. She’s just a very busy woman. I still feel insecure. I’m terribly insecure about women – I have much less experience with women than men. I’m just terribly insecure when I first like someone. Actually, that’s not really true because Davey never once made me feel insecure. I like situations like that. I hate when dating someone brings out the worst in me – insecurity, obsessiveness (about whether the person likes me or not), low self-esteem. Gah! When you like someone you should feel better not worse.

Comments on this blog now need to be approved by me. I appreciate that whoever anonymous is is trying to be supportive but anonymous comments are more than a little disconcerting. Still, I haven’t turned them off just yet but switched to needing blog owner approval.

It’s so good to be feeling healthy again. I’m still a little congested but my doctor gave me a clean bill of health yesterday. Hooray! Just in time for the weather to get warmer around here. Granted, the temperatures in the 40’s we had yesterday aren’t exactly warm, but compared to the cold snap we had recently it was downright balmy. And it’s supposed to be warmer today and even warmer tomorrow. Hooray! More cold is expected over the weekend, but hopefully it will be the last snap before spring really gets here.

I love spring. It’s my favorite season, but we hardly get it in the northeast. It tends to go from cold to hot in a few short weeks. I love when it’s cool, but not cold, out and plant life starts springing to life again. It makes me feel happy, calm and a wee bit amorous.

Nothing much going on on the dating front. Still in touch with the Irishman, haven’t heard from the Latina and haven’t heard from the married guy (the one I knew was married…. the Irishman is the one I hadn’t known) but I emailed him today to say hi. I wonder what out of this will just peter out and what will actually turn into something. Time will tell. (A hackneyed phrase if there ever was one!)

Now that I’ve decided to work on refocusing my energy into a more positive direction, I’ve started thinking about how I can improve my feelings about sex. After all, being assaulted is like having major aversion therapy. I find that I just don’t think about sex anywhere near as much as I did before the assault. And this is why I don’t get horny very often. Yesterday I chatted online with an ex I’m friendly with, and he told me about this hot fantasy he had about me, him and another man. For the first time in the two weeks since I got sick I felt horny. It was like this glorious miracle. And it made me realize that to get horny you have to think horny. I need to reprogram myself to associate sex with positive experiences (of which there are way more than the negative ones) and to spontaneously think about sex during the day. Spontaneous will come later, but for now I’m going to make a point to think sexy thoughts.

I also realized that part of why Davey and I don’t have sex more often is that sometimes he’s too nice a guy. Granted, being a nice guy is one of the things I absolutely love about him, but it can be problematic when he doesn’t initiate sex. He errs on the side of absolutely no pressure rather than trying to get me into bed. Sometimes I need someone else to share their fantasy to get my own going. That’s what happened with the ex online yesterday. So today, while we were out in the car running errands I told Davey about this so he would have a chance to get me going before we even got home. He’s been eager to have sex since two weeks had flown by without any. I realized that I needed him to tell me about something sexy he wanted to do rather than just telling me we haven’t had sex in two weeks and he’d like to have sex. Davey is smart enough to take me up on suggestions that will help him out. (And I’m good at communicating what I need.) He thought for a few minutes, and then mentioned that the fantasy of doing double penetration with me and another guy gets him hot. And this was enough to get my mind going and some horniness to spark.

When we got home, he was ready to have lunch, but I suggested maybe we do something else first. What ensued was some really hot sex. He was more passionate (which I’ve told him I need) and I had fuel for my own fantasies, after all, sex is mostly in your head. He put some porn on, which also helps get me in the mood. I still need my bullet vibe to get off easily (doesn’t happen as easily as it once did, but it’s improving) but between the vibe and his hands I had some great orgasms. We had sex, and he had to stop now and then because my muscles would contract so tightly. At one point he pulled out and I squirted a small fountain, which of course he thought was hot and just led to more hot sex. We were both very happy and very relaxed afterward.

Each time I have good sex it feels like a small victory. Each time I manage to actually have a sexual fantasy it feels like a victory. I don’t masturbate anywhere near as often as I once did (and it’s not just because I have easy access to sex now) but I think it will be a good sign when I do start needing to “relieve tension” more often.