Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I recently heard from D. and L., the couple I’ve seen a bunch of times for bdsm play. At first I was hesitant to get together with them. After all I was frequently left feeling like the human sex toy, to be tossed back into the toybox after play. I wasn’t willing to deal with that again. But instead of making excuses I decided to be forthright. And what I got back was a very thoughtful email apologizing for any awkwardness and professing feelings of genuine friendship. Hmmm. So yet again being honest has yielded change. I feel much better about them and I’m going to play with them sometime this month. I have had very little kink in my life for nearly two years now. Davey is very vanilla, and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that it just means he can’t be he one to fulfill my dirty, kinky fantasies of being dominated. And so perhaps I will be able to get that from time to time with D. & L. After all, I have had some wonderful fun with them in the past. We’ll see how things go.

When I was in my early 20’s I thought being a scorpio was just the coolest thing. We’re the sex addicts of the zodiac, we’re passionate, intense perverts. Yeah, rock on!

As I get older, however, I’ve started to think that being Ms. Intensity kinda sucks. I’ve scared off many men with my intensity. When I like someone I don’t just like them, I fall into deep, intense infatuation. Not all the time, but often enough.

This happened to me recently. I was pre-menstrual last Friday, feeling all emotional and intense (it’s much worse during pms) and I decided I just had to email N. and tell him how strongly I feel about him and how I want to be his primary partner (in addition to having Davey as my primary partner, crazy, I know) blah blah blah…. and how does he feel about me – should I just chill the fuck out because I’ll get hurt if I don’t? No, I didn’t use all of these particular words but a great deal of that was implied. Of course, his reaction was “Whoah! Slow down!” And I spent a day or two freaking out thinking, “Oh god, I’ve scared another one off!”

Now I want to make clear, as intensely as I feel/felt about him I never fell in love. I can tell the difference between love and infatuation and this was infatuation. But damn was it intense.
It still is actually. To N.’s credit he was flattered and gentle and kind in telling me that I really need to chill out. And so I’m chilling out. But I have to admit it makes me like him all the more that he can accept my intensity and not be scared off by it. So many people are scared off by intense feeling. But it’s how I live… I can’t really be any way else. N. commented once on how I feel so much sexually and that other women don’t feel as much as I do. And in some respects I’m sure that’s true, not only in bed but in my emotions otherwise. Sometimes it’s a wonderful, wild ride. This morning I spent some time doing artwork and I got into this passionate, creative mood and I felt exhilarated. I danced around my house passionately for a while after. I feel so good now, letting that intensity out. I suppose the best thing is just to find appropriate channels for my intensity and not get caught sending crazy emails to my lovers.

Hey, no one ever said dating me was boring.

So I was hanging out with N. last night. We had had a hot time in bed and were hanging out talking while he had a cigarette before heading out to dinner. We got on the topic about people lying about their age and I said, “But you don’t lie about your age.”

“I lie about my age a little.”

“Really? How old are you?”

“How old did I tell you I was?”

“How old are you actually? You told me you’re 45.”

“I’m 55.”

“Noooooo. I can’t believe it, you don’t look 55.”

“I don’t feel 55.”

And so yes, I’m not only dating an older man, something I was hesitant about when I thought he was just 11 years older than me, but a man old enough to be my father. (He’s just three years younger than my dad. Two years younger than my mom.) Wow. I’m still trying to get my head around this but ultimately I figure I’ve really enjoyed spending time with him and hey, he’s the same person/age he was before I found out about the age discrepancy. I’m not thrilled about the lie but I figure I really like him and had he been honest up front with me about his age I would have never given him a chance, which would have been regrettable. Life is funny.

I find that I’m very trusting, often too trusting. I’m honest with people about myself so the thought seldom enters my head that they might not be completely honest with me. As long as N. is honest about everything else we’ll be fine.

The party was pretty fun, although not a sex party in the sense of many I’ve been to. It was more of a meet ‘n’ greet and see the ladies dance sexily together sort of party. N.’s friend ended up getting quite sloshed and she seemed into the idea of going back to our place with us. So the four of us (Davey, me, N. and his lady friend) drove to the suburbs and got to our place around 3 a.m.

She went after me with a passion – she’s a stereotypical Latina in that respect. I hadn’t been with a woman in a while (many months now) so I went with it, plus with the situation with her and N. being that he can’t tell her that he dates me made me wonder how much it was okay to go after him. Apparently he told her that he knows me via the poly community but that’s it.

I didn’t enjoy the dynamic between me and him being so different. I’m quite into him and having to act like a casual acquaintance kinda sucked. But I figure he was seeing her before me and they already had their agreement that each could do whatever they wanted but she didn’t want to know about what he got up to. I have no desire to rock the boat. But it sucked having to pretend.

Anyway, back to the bedroom! Apparently N. had suggested the two couples swapping and splitting up while I was away in the bathroom but she nixed the idea. Seems like she wanted everything and everyone. Mostly the action consisted of her going after me and both of us paying a little attention to the guys in between. (The guys found it hard to keep their enthusiasm up with the intermittent attention, although Davey says he had a great time watching me and a hot Latina get it on.) I went down on a woman for the first time in ages and it was the first time I went down on a woman with pubic hair and she didn’t taste… pungent. I’m generally not a fan of body hair. (I keep mine shaved.)

It was all very hot but ultimately I didn’t come. I was very tired by this point and being fingered by a woman with long nails isn’t erotic so much as it’s nerve wracking. She got fucked a little by both guys but I didn’t get any. So it was hot and fun but not satisfying. Of course, Davey took care of me the next day.

In the aftermath, she’s now saying that she doesn’t remember what happened and that maybe someone slipped something into her drink at the party. Of course, on the train ride home she told N. that she had had 5-7 drinks, which would be quite a lot for me and I weigh nearly 100 lbs more than she does. I wonder if she got into me and Davey because she knew that N. wanted her to, and she’s regretting her decision now. I don’t know. But it’s disturbing to think a woman I fooled around with would be at all upset and feel taken advantage of. I hadn’t realized just how drunk she was or I’d have maybe handled things differently. She aggressively came after me so I figured she was into it. I don’t know. There was never a point where she said stop or no or anything at all negative. I mainly remember her saying things like, “Put that pussy in my face.”

I rather doubt Davey and I will fool around with her again after this though. I’m leery of fooling around with anyone who needs to get drunk to do it anyway. Yikes.

I had a second date with N. We started off the evening with a quick snack then enjoyed a “reverse date”, i.e., having sex first, dinner after. Again, it was so hot. We really click. I squirted a little bit and had loads of screaming orgasms. I was a very satisfied girl. Tonight, we’re going to a play party with N. and another woman he dates. It should be interesting as the other woman doesn’t want to know anything about him dating other women… so we’ve “never met” before, at least not dated, tonight. I hate having to pretend but he’s got this agreement with her so I’ll go along with it. Hopefully all will go well and we’ll end up swapping – me with him and Davey with her. There’ll be other couples there too so you never know who we’ll end up hooking up with.