Diary of a Kinky Librarian

So last night was a disappointment, and yet again N is a disappointment. I got pissed off at him today because yet again he left me hanging with plans. And when I raise the issue he seems to think I’m pissed off because I’m just so smitten with him that I can’t stand not spending time with him, which might have been true at one point but he’s jerked me around enough now that it’s not true anymore. And this weekend I didn’t even initiate plans. I decided to back off and not ask for time with him, and he’s the one who suggested that maybe we could get together on Sunday. Turns out he makes tentative plans for me more out of some sense of guilt. I’m not a friggin charity case! Let me just make plans with someone else instead of stringing me along!

So last night. Yeah well, I’m now thinking that perhaps it’s best to go for men with more experience. The idea of shagging a hot young stud was better in theory than in practice. Largely because we didn’t shag. He was clearly nervous and feeling awkward when I got there, and we ended up hanging out watching tv for a while. I made a few comments such as “We’re not here to watch tv.” to try to give him an opening to get things started but it took a while. We eventually ended up fooling around (in complete darkness, personally I like to see what I’m doing during sex) and it wasn’t bad but it did remind me of being younger and fooling around with 23-year-old guys back then. I played with his penis and he said, “I feel like I could come already.” And a few seconds later, he did. Doh. Ok so he had told me he was worried about coming too fast and he hadn’t had sex in a year. And being with an older woman was a fantasy of his. Ok, this happens. He apologizes and I tell him it’s okay and kiss him on the forehead. He says he needs to go out to his car and I worry that he’s going to ditch me.

Luckily he comes back (turns out he had a cigarette) and gets back into bed with me. The tv is back on at this point and I’m naked under the sheet while he’s dressed again. After a few moments I declare, “I’m horny.” and we start fooling around again. This time I actually manage to have one orgasm from his fingering me. I then get a condom and start giving him a blow job (with condom). Now he had complained when he heard of my rule of no unprotected oral but the fact is, it couldn’t have been that bad considering he came pretty quickly again. Not as fast as the first time, but still pretty fast. So he heads off to the bathroom to clean up and when he comes back he starts asking me if I think my boyfriend’s plans for the evening are done. Um, I dunno. Then he says that he thinks maybe he’d like to save the rest for another time and go home instead. Right. My jaw drops open. He says that it’s nothing personal, we can hang out another time, blah blah blah. So I bitterly get my clothes on and use the bathroom and leave. What an unsatisfying evening. If I actually ever hear from him again (doubt it), here’s what I’d like to say (but would say in a much nicer way if I were to say it to him):

Let me give you some advice when it comes to women. For one, even if your penis isn’t cooperating and acting like you’d like like it to, you still need to get a woman off once you’ve gotten her worked up. Asking her to go home after you’d shot off twice and barely given her satisfaction is a sure fire way to make sure she doesn’t want to see you again. While your fantasy is that it’s hot to be able to get an older woman, the real feat is having her want to come back for more. The penis doesn’t always behave like you would want it to – but then you have ten fingers and a tongue to get done what your penis isn’t willing to do.

Another thing, lube up your finger before sticking it in a girl’s anus! If you have some waterbased lube nearby that’s great, but really saliva will do in a pinch.

So my anticipated night of hot sex with a young stud turned into two quick spurts and one so-so orgasm. What a disappointment. Right about now I’m feeling that men are largely a disappointment. (Except Davey. I’m cool with him.)

This week went by pretty uneventfully. All plans that I made fell through. No sex was had (until Davey was home again at a normal time last night). I forgot to mention in the sadness of my last entry that I did have hot sex with N after our talk. I squirted so much it deflected off his body and hit me in the face. lol That was a first.

Tonight I have plans to finally meet this 23-year-old guy I’ve been talking to online for a while. He messaged me on a dating site because he has a fantasy of being with an older woman. Now, I find it kinda funny to be considered “the older woman” as I’m just 34 and still consider myself young, but yeah I am older than him, by 11 years. And it’s kinda amusing too because he’s around the age of N’s children. So I’ll be fucking a man who’s old enough to not only be my father, but is father to children the age of the younger guy I’m fucking. Erm, yeah that made more sense in my head than on paper. But you get the drift – I get a kick out of the wide age spread. There’s things in life that aren’t full blown fantasies for me but I get a kick out of doing just because I can. For instance, when I fucked five guys in one night, not a fantasy I’d had, but I thought it would be interesting just to see how many men I could have in one night. I thought it was cool rather than sexually stimulating (oh yes the sex was stimulating, but the notion wasn’t a fantasy of mine). Tonight is another of those times, I like the idea of being able to bed a young stud more than I actually have the drive to make it happen. I wouldn’t go out of my way for it, but since he messaged me and seems pretty nice it’s going to happen. Why not? I don’t have any hang ups about what “should” or “shouldn’t” be done concerning sex. If I want to do it and the other consenting adult with me wants to – why the fuck not?

Last night I spoke on the phone with a new poly friend and we got to talking about porn sites and blogs and such and I mentioned my old stomping ground, The Kinky Librarian. And he knew it. He used to read it! I felt like a minor celebrity. Here’s this guy who knew about me and my exploits before I even had the chance to meet him. So I decided that since I had already opened up that KL was me that I’d tell him where this blog is. (Hi, D!) I keep quiet about the blog often because I talk quite openly about my sexual exploits so I avoid mentioning it until I feel sure the person won’t be a judgmental prat. But D seems like a good sort who will at the very least not judge me.

N. and I had a good talk and my feelings of being left out were a combination of his life getting hectic and the fact that while he’s fond of me, his feelings just don’t match mine. And having unrequited feelings just sucks. It creates this acute ache inside me. I just keep wishing he felt the same but it’s not something you can make happen. Either it does or it doesn’t. I don’t know why things have turned out the way they have, after all, he’s very fond of me, but he just doesn’t have the romantic feelings for me that I have for him.

I’m sad. I’m disappointed. I really enjoy spending time with him but I question if I should take a break to work on getting over this before resuming a friendship with him. But then of course the idea of not seeing him makes me ache.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all our feelings of adoration were returned?

I woke up smelling like sex this morning. Saajan can be a bit musky and if I don’t shower after having sex with him I still smell him on me until I do. He paid me a visit last night – the very first time I’ve been able to have him come to me for fucking, usually I go to him. Davey was working late so I had the apartment to myself.

I’ve been trying to set up a smorgasbord of sex this week and next while Davey works late, but so far only things have worked out with Saajan (and the Irish guy is supposed to come over next week – yes, he reappears). Sex with Saajan is the hardest pounding I ever get. He fucks me really hard. I love it! I come equally hard, moaning and screaming and gasping for breath.

He’s just so confident and manly, and it gets me really hot. He’s a top for sure and I’m glad to know at least a few tops who are also nice guys – so many Dominants are assholes! I’m sorry but that’s been my experience. Too many of them take themselves too seriously.

We spent some time talking (that boy can talk! I remember an early date with him, I was left wondering if he was going to shut up and let me get a word in edgewise!) and then I encouraged him to get started as Davey, tired as he is, didn’t want to walk in on us in the act this particular night. (Another time he’d think that’s hot, but when he’s too tired to do anything about it it’s just frustrating.) Saajan got me all worked up and I was naked before he was (might have something to do with my wearing only a sarong and panties). He teased my pussy, getting me really worked up. After a little bit, he lay me down on the bed and reached for his pants. Yes, he brought his own condoms. I mentioned that we have “guest condoms” but he said that he’s always the boy scout.

“Ah, so you’re always prepared to come, I mean, come prepared,” I said saucily.

He fucked me, giving me a hard pounding until he was out of breath and complaining of being out of shape. But the fact is it went on for a while and I came and came. I don’t have time to think, I just come and enjoy getting fucked. We took a break after that and chatted for a bit. I remembered something silly he had said last time we had sex and he said, “Why do you remember these stupid things I say after sex?”

“Because just about the only time we talk is after sex.” It’s true, we talk before sex, between sex and after sex, but seldom any other time unless it’s online. I’m fine with that though, despite sex being such a major part of our friendship I do consider him a good friend who I could go to if I needed someone to talk to.

He wanted some water so I got up and got him a glass. We ended up talking in the living room for a bit and for what I think is the first time, although I question if I’d noticed this before and just forgot, I must have noticed before, I noticed that he’s uncircumcised. Did I ever notice this before? I can’t believe I haven’t but I didn’t remember him being uncircumcised. But then again I mostly see his penis hard so maybe I hadn’t noticed.

While he talked all I could think about was getting him back into the bedroom again before Davey was due home. I lured him back in and this time he fucked me on the edge of the bed. After getting me into position on the edge, he turned me sideways so that he was fucking me kinda sideways/behind on the edge of the bed. One of my legs was up by his shoulder and the other was down on the bed. He got really deep in this position and he leaned one knee on the bed for more traction. Again I screamed as I came hard and towards the end I finally squirted. No, I gushed. I left such a big wet spot on the bed. I had to not only change the sheets after but I had to put a towel down over the wet spot on the mattress before putting the clean sheets down. It felt incredible to come and squirt like that. I was a very satisfied woman afterwards.

Saajan got dressed and we hung out til Davey got home since Davey had wanted to say hi to him. We all talked for a bit but I was getting drowsy and Davey was just exhausted. Saajan said good night and I got ready for bed. Davey and I kissed and hugged for a bit and of course he got a hard on. But my poor baby was too tired to do much about it (I was really tired too) but I promised him that we’ll do something about it this weekend.

Tonight I see N. I’m still annoyed with him but I’ve calmed down now that my period is almost over and my hormones are back to normal. I think he’s one of those guys for whom the chase is exciting and my declaring feelings for him put him off as I was no longer a challenge. I intend to be challenging in the future.

Ok I’m feeling a little differently about N today than I did yesterday (I deleted the entry). I’ve got my period now so I’m not so hormonal. But still, I’m not happy with how he leaves me hanging about plans. We’re on for Friday – probably. I feel like I have to speak up somehow and express how I’m feeling and either sort things out or stop seeing him. I love the sex but I don’t want to feel like I’m just there when it’s convenient for him. I want to date someone who really wants to spend time with me.

I was tired from the moment I got up on Saturday. I had to go meet Davey at the mall and then we were going to have lunch with an ex of mine who has recently re-surfaced. Well we get to the restaurant, the ex isn’t there. I call his cell phone and he’s a good hour away. What the —-? This is so typical of said ex. But I looked at it as an opportunity to “re-schedule” (meaning to say I’d reschedule and then never do so) as I’ve been feeling ambivalent at best about seeing this ex. After he canceled at the last minute (yet again!) I pretty much decided I don’t want to see him. There’s nothing to be gotten from hanging out with him. And so Davey and I had lunch together.

We ran to the store after as just that morning N. told me that he was going to a different party than the one he was originally planning on going to and this party required being dressed in all white. Oooh the goths inside Davey and me were crying. We had to buy clothes because we sure as hell didn’t have any white pants. I only owned two white shirts and neither was really suitable (in retrospect I wished that I had bought some men’s undershirts and cut one up to make a sexy top. Doh. Instead I wore a nice white tee.) We both felt so awkward (me especially!) dressed all in white. We’re pale people and white just doesn’t look good on us. But we made the best of it and got to the party.

While we got there an hour after the party was slated to start, in typical New York fashion no one was there yet. We tried to not feel awkward and shy and tried to work ourselves up to talking to strangers. We chatted with one nice (and hot!) woman we had met at the last of these parties. Ultimately we felt like tools. An hour and a half later, N. and his date weren’t there yet and I got antsy and called him. They were just getting on their way. *sigh* When I’m feeling shy I like the crutch of having friends around.

The place started filling up and I was feeling frustrated at our inability to talk to people. Now, if Davey was more outgoing and gave me a push I’d probably have broke down earlier, but eventually I said, dammit, I’m going to be friendly if it kills me! So I decided that we should go say hello to a couple who, like us, weren’t talking to anyone. “Lead the way,” said Davey and so I did. We ended up chatting with a very nice couple from the next town over from where we live. We would go back to talking to them more later in the evening and they must’ve had the same conversation as we did (i.e., “I’d swap with them”) as the woman started getting flirty while dancing with me. Result!

Eventually N. showed up and I met his friend. I was excited to meet her as he thought we would get along, although I have to confess that in my current premenstrual state I’m feeling jealous of her. When I started seeing N. I got to see him every weekend. Over the past month I’ve seen him exactly once (not counting this party). Can we say I think he’s getting bored with me already? Or maybe it’s just that she’s new and exciting and so he finds the time to see her. Hey, I’m all for sharing my partners but I want to get my time with them. I’m feeling frustrated right now with how infrequently I’ve been seeing him. I’ve spoken up about it so we’ll see what happens. The infrequency came after I had sent him that emotional email about a month ago (when I was premenstrual last). I’m despairing that things are far more casual for him than they are for me. I’m not super-serious about him, but I feel affection for him and really want this to be a poly thing, not just a fuck buddy situation.

But, I digress. Well N. didn’t spend much time talking with me – he was too busy with his date and meeting people. I got warm and decided that I was tired of this swing party that had no swinging and so I took my shirt off. I danced and wandered around in my bra and pants. I ended up on the terrace by N. and his friend and a couple of women they were talking to. By this time I was starting to flash my tits from the front hook bra I was wearing. This got one of the women to mention her exhibitionistic tendencies and soon she was showing us her new clit piercing. I was topless before long and I stayed that way.

There was a strip show planned and everyone went inside to watch. There was more nudity and sexiness in the show than most of the party. I stood behind N. and he reached behind to fondle a nipple every now and then. After the strip show the mood was more randy about the place but still people didn’t get down. I ended up hanging out on the terrace, still topless and I got to talking with N.’s date and a couple they were trying to hook up with. I got to grope some pierced nipples and to suck on them. I got my nipples sucked on by a few different people. At some point Davey helped me out of my pants and I was there on the terrace in only a lace thong. Oh yes, I am an exhibitionist. It’s funny too because I hardly have a perfect body. But I think confidence is extremely sexy and when I’m in that mood I get by on my confidence. Davey tells me that following in my wake that night was a lot of fun as people’s jaws dropped when they saw me and both men and women looked at me appreciatively.

Back on the terrace with my pants off, N’s date slid a finger between my lips and declared that I was wet. (Was I! I was so freakin’ horny!) Davey started fingering me at one point. It felt good but I guess I wasn’t in the headspace to cum even though I really wanted to. This other guy played with my nipples as Davey fingered me. I had Davey stop after a bit and soon after the other guy took over. Alas, he wasn’t great at fingering so I wasn’t going to get off on it. I was uncomfortable on the terrace furniture and suggested going inside, but the guy didn’t follow. (Later we saw a woman, presumably his woman, chew him out and so I’m not sure if everything he did was kosher, or if she was mad about something else.)

I spent time dancing in my thong although I was getting tired of standing by this point. Somewhere among all this there was dancing, groping, caressing going on – with me and various other people. I got tired and sat down for a bit. I ended up licking frosting off a woman’s inner thigh. At this point I can’t keep track of what happened although I’ve summed it up here.

I was tired enough to decide to head home and Davey was fine with that. The lights had come up and the party was winding down. I’m disappointed that this group isn’t more overtly sexual – I’m used to sex parties where people actually spend their time having sex (what a novel idea!) But the people are nice and you never know who we might hook up with some day.

Of course when we got home Davey and I had sex – hot passionate sex. After an entire evening of frustration Davey was more aggressive than he’s ever been. And that gets me hot.

The kinky librarian rides again! I got up to much naughtiness this past weekend. On Friday, I went and saw my couple (D., the guy and L. the woman) for the first time in well over a year (maybe two). The unfortunate part was it taking me two hours to get to their house in the summer Friday traffic. By the time I got there I was frazzled. Thankfully they had dinner and wine ready for me and we sat and talked.

After dinner there was more chit chat and the awkward mood of “How does this get started?” fell over us. Finally we did get started, with me being blindfolded. Soon after I was stripped naked and had ankle cuffs and a collar placed on me. I was made to kneel on this large ottoman they have and I got fondled and spanked. Soon they put leather mitts over my hands (they totally make it impossible to do anything or get yourself out of anything). Light mousetraps got put on each nipple and clamps on my labia. Funnily enough the clamping didn’t excite me as much as it does sometimes. I got spanked, flogged, fondled, etc. until I was well warmed up. Next, he had L. fuck me with a strap on but I wasn’t allowed to come – what torture! I kept begging to be allowed to come. (So hot!) Next he had L. sit on a chair in front of where I was kneeling and I had to go down on her while he fucked me from behind. I was finally allowed to come – whoo hoo. We took a break after this and had some dessert.

Now, I’m good at being a sub and being told what to do and having stuff done to me. Where I falter is when I’m pressed into service to dominate L. While I was given directions, they’re not step-by-step so I find myself going, “Duh, what do I do now?” He got her tied up and her hands in mitts, he took the collar off me and put it on her and I was left to my own awkward devices. I got her kneeling on the ottoman and basically did what they had done to me – I spanked her until her ass was good and red, got on the chair and made her go down on me (with D. commanding that I grab her head and really push it into my crotch) while he took her from behind.

I’m probably forgetting something. Between the wine and being blindfolded, parts of the night are fuzzy. I’m sure I got some of the happenings out of order, but you get the picture. I vacillated between staying the night or going home and ultimately decided to go home. I was asked to help L. have an orgasm before I left and I went down on her and fingered her while D. fucked me from behind again. I went home with the taste of pussy in my mouth. I finally got home around 2 am, spent but also kinda buzzed from the playing. I had a hard time falling asleep but eventually did. I was so tired the next day!

I think that I’m having another one of those “life is going well so my subconscious has to dredge up worries” times again. Yesterday anxiety about the assault came up. It’s not totally unfounded as I might go to a sex party on Saturday with N. and Davey and this woman N.’s dating. As always I have worries about running into the dickwad who assaulted me. But then I was thinking that perhaps the anxiety is coming up because I’m going to go play with my couple for the first time in a long time tonight. And while I know them and feel comfortable with them, I haven’t had any bdsm play in ages and maybe that’s made me a little anxious.

Despite this anxiety I’m starting to feel defiant – and not willing to hide. I’ve avoided putting my pseudonym and references to my old blog on this blog, but this morning I said, “Fuck it.” and now identify myself in the profile section. I’m even considering naming the man who assaulted me (complete with link to his blog). I’m not sure it’s worth the hassle but I’ve really done myself a disservice by not being forthright about it from day one. After what he did to me he doesn’t deserve to be anonymous. He’s the one who should be ashamed. Not me.

I’m not sure if I’m going to that party on Saturday night (N. is waiting to hear back from his date for that night) but I think that if it turns out everyone’s up for it then I should go, despite the anxiety. I need to get my life back and not let fear keep me from having a good time. Fuck it. I’m going to have good life and just ride out the occasional anxiety. As I’ve learned from dealing with some anxieties in therapy, usually the fear before something is far worse than the event actually happening. Someday I might run into the guy who assaulted me. And I will come out of it okay. I’m sure of that.

I’m really tired. But it’s a good tired. I’m tired because I had sex with both Davey and N. today. My afternoon was basically spent having sex and then having sex again. I feel like my old self in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel like I could have sex over and over forever if only my body wouldn’t get so damn tired. I feel like my (slutty) self.

I didn’t have sex with them at the same time, I had a date with N. and went to his place…. we alternated hanging out on the porch chatting with going to the bedroom and fucking. There wasn’t any air conditioning but thankfully today wasn’t quite as hot as they had predicted. Still, the sex was sweaty. And for some reason getting all sweaty during sex isn’t nearly as distasteful as getting sweaty during exercise, or walking around on a hot day. It’s actually kinda sexy.

For a 55-year-old man he has quite the stamina. He kept going (during the second round) long past when men half his age would keep going. I had a lot of orgasms. *grin* I’m so glad I finally met him and didn’t let his age get in the way. (I kept him at arm’s length for a year.) We have a lot of fun in bed together.

After the second round we went to shower (just like after the first round) and as I moved past him to get to the water in the shower he slid one hand between my ass cheeks and started fingering my asshole and then reached around with the other hand and stroked my clit and then fingered me. Wowza. I had quite an orgasm really quickly, trying to clutch the shower wall and hold myself up.

I left his place feeling really worn out, my legs were tired from being spread for so long. But even so, I still felt kinda horny. Ah yes, I was feeling like my old self.

I was hungry when I got home, so Davey and I had dinner and then relaxed in the living room. I kept feeling persistently horny, and hey, I like to make sure that Davey is taken care of – an important part of being poly is making sure things are okay with your primary relationship. Despite feeling so tired I sent Davey sexy IMs from the other end of the couch. Soon, we were in the bedroom and I was orgasming again. And again. And we had sex and I had some more orgasms. I’m a very satisfied and happy girl. And I’m feeling so comfortable in my sexuality again – it’s such a liberating feeling. I’m ready to take on the world sexually. Hee hee. I see my couple, D. & L., on Friday and I asked N. if he’d help me out with my double penetration fantasy sometime and he said yes. (There’s few things that I really want to try that I haven’t tried, double penetration is one of them. I’ve had a toy and a penis but not two penises. Obviously Davey is all to happy to help me with this fantasy.)

(The title of this post came from a conversation with N. today where he told me about how he told another lover of his that she should get a vanity plate with Tulsa on it, so that when people saw it in their rearview mirrors it would read …… Perfect for me as well! But I’m not into vanity plates.)

I’m feeling rather unappreciated and stressed at work these days so I was really glad to have this day off in the middle of the week. Viva July 4th! I spent the day being a) bored, b) playing games on my computer, c) watching tv, d) eating and best of all e) having hot sex with Davey. The sex really was the redeeming part of the day. Oh and I did a little artwork. I’ve gotten back into being creative lately.

Last night and today were particularly great for sex as it marks a return to passion. For a little while I wasn’t feeling passionate about Davey and I was kinda worried about that. Was the problem him, me or something else? I think ultimately the problem was the fact that this is the first time I’ve been in a live-in relationship – the first time I’ve had the opportunity for passion to wane. I still love him deeply, he’s still my best friend. But the passion’s been a little lacking. Last night and today were totally hot though, and I’m feeling more into him than I’ve felt in a while. I’m so happy to have passion return to me.