Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I think that I was born kinky, just like I think that I was born bisexual. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t get aroused by kinky things (or have feelings of attraction and affection for boys and girls alike). I can remember as a child, being aroused by the fantasy of being kidnapped and tied up. I remember reading an article about the Patty Hearst kidnapping and being turned on by the image of her tied up in a closet and her captors pinching her nipples. I read and re-read that passage, secretly. (I was a precocious reader, I believe this article was in Reader’s Digest and I was still in elementary school – I think. I seem to remember reading it in the bedroom I had through elementary school.)

By the time I was in high school, I was collecting things like silk scarves that I could tie myself up with. I’d bind my wrists or ankles together and then masturbate (sometimes untying first as I’d need a spare hand or two to do so). I’d blindfold myself or gag myself. The sensation turned me on so much! The attempts at spanking myself fell far short of the fantasy, however. I had fantasies of being tied up, and fantasies of being spanked, fantasies of being raped, fantasies of being kidnapped. I knew that I didn’t truly want to be raped or kidnapped, but the idea of playacting that out with someone consensually got me really hot. Long before I ever had my first kiss or sexual experience with another, I was kinky. I’m not sure when I became aware that others felt like this too, or that it was perhaps a bit unusual to feel this way. I accepted it pretty much all along.

My first kinky experiences were with my very first boyfriend when I was 18. He and I explored a lot together sexually. I remember him domming me and my being so enthralled by it. (He was less so. He wanted to be dommed. I typically end up dating submissive men if they’re at all kinky.) We pretended that I was the maid to his wealthy man and he forcefully seduced me in my parent’s basement after everyone went to bed. He and I acted out a lot of fantasies, I don’t think I’ve dated anyone since who I explored so much with, but then he was my first. We liked doing things like having one of us pretend to be completely inexperienced (not that either of us was really experienced! lol) and the other would seduce the innocent one. We’d play with power differential situations, like one was the chauffeur and the other the employer when we’d be out fooling around in my car. We played around with bondage, me tied with my wrists over my head attached to the pipe coming out of the ceiling of the basement apartment he shared with his mom. Not so thrilling was the time we decided to include food and he put maple syrup on my torso. lol It was just a whole lotta stickiness. He had to untie me so I could shower off and we could stop laughing.

Right from the start of my sexual experiences I was eager to experiment with being kinky. And right from the start of my awareness of sexual feelings in myself I got hot over kinky things. It really seems to be how I’m wired.

I think sexual energy and creative energy are related. Since getting my mojo back I feel like blogging far more and I’ve started noticing the lack of creativity in many of my posts. They read like a play by play of what I got up to, but there’s no color, no feeling to it. Maybe I’ll change this as time goes on.

I find myself in an introspective mood tonight. I’m quick to blame it on being tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. But then I was sorta in this mood by the time I went to bed last night.

I find myself musing about feminism and bdsm – more specifically how it’s possible to be a feminist and a submissive at the same time. The two seem to be mutually exclusive. I’m quick to point out that outside the bedroom I’m not very submissive at all, quite stubborn and opinionated actually. So perhaps that’s where the division lies – I get hot and bothered by submitting sexually but in my daily life I’m not a submissive woman. Now of course, all this sounds like me grasping at straws to find the feminism in my behavior. “Well now, I might submit in the bedroom but otherwise I’m all feminist! No, really I am!!” I start arguing that being able to express your sexuality however it comes is a feminist act – not letting my sexual desires be dictated by conservative, heteronormative, vanilla society. If I get off on submitting then by all means I should get off that way. But I suppose sometimes I realize that you can’t say that my act of submitting is feminist in and of itself. But I am a feminist who submits sexually. I suppose that’s the distinction. I’d be curious to hear others’ views on this subject.

One way to look at it is that as a strong feminist the idea of submitting to a man’s (or a woman’s) whim is kinky by definition. I don’t see it as the normal order of affairs. I don’t see it has how I “should” be in my day-to-day life. But as a “liberated” woman I choose to play that way. And really it all comes down to choice.

I don’t really even know why I’m arguing this point, as I don’t see the two as having to be mutually exclusive. Just like I don’t see the nerdy, intellectual side of my personality to be at odds with the sexual, slutty part. V. has been asking me how the two sides of my personality get along, and I answer “quite well” as I don’t see them as distinct personalities, but parts of the whole of who I am. Why can’t you be nerdy and someone who works well with kids AND be someone who’s totally into her sexuality and free about it?

This entry is probably just one long, incomprehensible ramble, but it’s what’s going through my head. That and economic theory as MasterDoc had me reading up on why socialist economics don’t work. (He’s libertarian and quite keen to get this anarcho-socialistic person over to his way of thinking. And I have to admit that my political thinking has no basis in economic theory as I have little to no knowledge about it. I can see the flaws in socialism and anarchy, but then I’m cynical enough to think that every political system has glaring flaws. Still, I really enjoy learning about economics from him as I’d rather be knowledgeable in my political views than completely ignorant. I guess it’s time I learned about economics even though the idea of it bores me to tears. Anyway, the nerdy side of my personality really appreciates being with a man who stimulates me intellectually and who seems to respect my intelligence. All my favorite men get me thinking. Heck, all my favorite people get me thinking, one of the things I like about V. so much is that she’s very intelligent.)

I’m going through one of those periods in my life where my sex life has taken over. Time spent at work or elsewhere is just time killed until the next time I can get up to something naughty. Each work day is just gotten through so I can get to the weekend or the next play time. Now this doesn’t mean I have sex every day – I don’t. (Surprised?) But that sex is the foremost thought in my brain. I’m kinda frustrated at work right now so that probably plays into this. The sex is infinitely more fun than the work day.

Last night I was thinking about the fact that while this is a blog of my sex life, I don’t always write about sex with Davey. I’ve noticed this before and I think it’s probably down to a couple of reasons. First, naughty, out-of -the-mainstream sex makes for more interesting blog material than vanilla sex with someone you love and are with regularly. (I note the times it’s particularly hot or passionate, but as is the tendency with established relationships, it’s frequently routine.) And second, sometimes I like keeping sex with Davey between us. Despite my exhibitionistic tendencies, I suppose there’s some stuff I like to keep private. Not much, but some. I doubt that my getting all mushy about Davey would make for stimulating reading anyway. I’m not all about getting laid. Sometimes sex is about passion and getting off, but sometimes it’s about being intimate with someone you love. Yes, the slut has a heart.

Ok these pictures featured over at Spanking Blog totally got me hot and bothered. Now the question is, do I take care of this urge by myself before work, or do I let myself remain hot and bothered. MasterDoc would probably want me to remain hot and bothered so I think I’ll do that.

I was a very, very, VERY lucky girl this morning. I saw MasterDoc and he was in a horny mood, so I got fucked a few times. In between there was little torture although the candle wax on my clit was something else. Whew. That hurt. Although I think the TENS unit was a bit more painful that time he used it. I’m worn out now and wish I could take a nap, but alas I have work. (Yeah I know, boo hoo, poor me… not!)

The first time he fucked me I was down on the floor on all fours. He generally doesn’t make sure I’m warmed up first, so the first few strokes tend to hurt (even though inevitably I’m wet by this time, he just stretches me out). But soon I was begging him to let me come. Of course, he wouldn’t let me come right away, I had to keep begging for it. He kept me on the edge for a little while and then let me come and I came hard. I loved how he smacked my ass every so often. After sucking his cock some more he had me lie on my back so he could slap my pussy and get out the candle wax. He had me pull my labia apart and hold them apart. There were a few tense moments where I waited to see if he would, indeed, pour hot wax on my clit. “This is going to hurt,” he said. And yes, it hurt. I’ve never had wax poured there before. I think the anticipation of pain was worse than the actual pain, though. (And I wonder to myself if saying that isn’t an invitation to more of it. Oh dear. I have to worry about every little thing I say on this blog now!)

At this point he had me head off into the bedroom, where he slapped my pussy some more and had me suck his cock. He fucked me again, this time I was on my back. The details of the morning get a little fuzzy so hopefully he’ll forgive me if my account is a little bit off from the order in which things actually happened. Basically my rememberings of this morning are – fucked, hurts then feels good, not allowed to come, beg to be allowed to come, allowed to come, come hard and after a break do it all over again. lol

Before lunch, he fucked me a third time, this time I was standing at the end of the bed leaning over it, and he let me use a vibrator on my clit. He had me begging and moaning yet again. It felt soooo good! He fucked me for a while, teasing me mercilessly. I was so close to coming, over and over. I kept begging. I wondered if perhaps he was just going to keep me on the edge this time, after all he had been so generous letting me come a couple of times already. He took a break while the vibrator continued to buzz on my clit. He asked if I’d be able to come from just that. I said yes, if he told me I could. He got up and fingered me a bit, hitting the exact right spots inside. I came again, making a hell of a racket as always. lol I’m not known for being quiet. We cuddled for a while after this.

We had lunch (see, he’s so good to me he not only fucks me but he feeds me as well. Lunch was yummy.). And I figured that would be it for the day, after all I still had to clean up the living room. But he had me come into the bedroom with him (at some point I did clean up the living room, just not sure of the exact order of things again). We cuddled some more and his cock was up for more fucking. And this lucky girl got fucked again. He held me on the edge of orgasm for a little while before having me come again. When he fucks me, he calls me a dirty slut and sometimes slaps my face. He’s rough with me if it pleases him and he’s always in control of the situation. Just before the fucking, he had talked about maybe coming all over me or all over my face, but we ran short on time. Pity. That’s the drawback of meeting before work, time is far less flexible than it would be at other times. It was time for me to hurry out the door and get my slutty self to work. Next Monday is Labor Day, and I have the day off, so he’ll have more time to use and abuse me next week. We’ve talked about having V., my date from Friday, come and watch him dom me and she seems up for it… so perhaps next week.

So something happened last night that only happens once in a blue moon – I had a date with a woman and we ended up in bed together. Go figure. I’m trying to figure out the last time this happened and other than one woman I fooled around with after meeting at the sex parties I used to go, the last time this sort of thing happened was the first time I ever went to bed with a woman. I was in London, just arrived on a short vacation when I met my first girlfriend in a lesbian bar. I ended up hanging out with her and her friends (my friend called it an evening early) and went home with her. We had a whirlwind romance over the next few days and kept things going long distance for a couple of months, until it was too difficult for her to deal with the fact that I had a boyfriend at home. (My first stint at being poly, before I knew the word polyamorous at all.) Most of my dates with women are rather chaste affairs, maybe ending with a quick peck on the lips, if at all. But last night I lucked out as the words “slutty, kinky and nerdy” on my profile was what attracted her.

Like me she’s an intelligent, educated woman (she speaks three very different languages fluently) who has a strong appetite for sex and an interest in kinky things. We met up for dinner and she treated me to a Japanese restaurant, where she proceeded to order in fluent Japanese. I had sake for the first time and by the time we left I had a good buzz going on. She paid for dinner, and we decided to seek out a karaoke box place where we could hide ourselves in a room and be silly singing songs and drinking. It was a lot of fun but we barely gazed at each or touched while we were there. I suppose were busy getting drunk and working up the courage to go for what we really wanted. Thankfully I had a nice light buzz throughout the evening, I didn’t get full-on drunk. After we exhausted the karaoke we walked along the city streets trying to decide what to do next. She offered that we could go to her place, she had already offered that I could sleep there if I wanted to. We got a cab uptown and she brought me into her little studio apartment.

She put some music on and set up just a few dim lights. We talked a little about kinky stuff (she’s interested in bdsm, as a potential Domme) and she showed me any toys she had in her closet. There was a little rubber semi-flogger that actually had a bit of a sting to it when you got a good whack with it. After a few awkward moments sipping some really strong, awful sake someone had given her, she said, “So do you want to kiss?” I just love when people are direct. I wish I could be more direct. And once we got started everything was easy. She’s very passionate and soon had me pinned down to the bed, our hips grinding into each other (crotches grinding against thighs). Clothes very slowly came off and she teased me, grabbing my hair and kissing me passionately. After getting naked, we ended up taking a short break to have some cherries she had in her apartment – being fed stemmed cherries can be quite sexy. She had me lay on my stomach and she stroked and massaged me, gradually working up to a few spanks here and there and some swats with the flogger-ish thing she had. We had discussed the idea of safe words briefly and she kept expressing surprise that I didn’t use a safe word. (MasterDoc has put me through far more serious pain than she did. lol) She had some cuffs that she put on my wrists and a blindfold on my eyes. I have to admit, that no matter how well an evening’s going, it can be a little nerve wracking to have a stranger blindfold you. Thankfully my instincts about her were right and nothing bad happened. She spanked me some more, never really getting as hard as I would have liked her to. She fingered me to a very wet orgasm while I was still on my stomach.

We hung out and talked a wee bit and decided to try to get some sleep. (I have no idea what time it was. She didn’t have a easily visible clock in her place so I spent the night having no sense of time.) It was particularly noisy outside her apartment and neither of us got much sleep. We got up around quarter to nine and she ordered breakfast to be delivered. We munched on bagels with cream cheese and drank some very necessary coffee. We hung out on her bed naked, talking and soon she was worked up and all over me again. I hardly needed persuading to fool around some more, this time I paid more attention to her and nearly brought her to an orgasm. I relished the compliment she gave me about my fingering skills (I’m always very unsure about them) saying that I was very good at it and much better than a man. She pampered me with caresses and a feather glided over my body, then a foot rub when I mentioned that my feet were cold. Soon we were entwined again, writhing and rubbing up against each other as we kissed passionately. I totally loved that she’s very comfortable being the one on top and in control. She brought me to another orgasm with her fingers and as the hour was getting into the afternoon, I talked about maybe heading home. She asked if I would help her get to an orgasm and I gladly obliged. Between her fingers and mine she had one finally and I could feel good about heading out. She accompanied me all the way to the train station where we said goodbye. I can see this being a very nice friends-with-benefits sort of situation. She’s eager to explore kinkiness and I’m certainly a good one to lead her down the path into kink. She’s curious about things like swing parties and would like to check one out (although she says she gets shy and wouldn’t be an exhibitionist like me.) I’m exhausted today, but it’s a good tired.

I was hoping to have another exciting installment in the Training of Nadia here but alas we have an un-exciting installment.

Last night Davey and I went over to MasterDoc’s for dinner and some swapping with a woman he dates. I was hoping to be spanked, played with, etc. Alas, while Davey got some sex (his first time with an older woman), I got to set the table, clear the table, run the dishwasher, give MasterDoc a back rub because his back was hurting him, give him a bit of a hand job and some oral and in return… I got frustration and remained fully clothed. This was far crueler a punishment than any pain he could have inflicted. I suppose though it’s “good for me” in some respects because I’m not used to being denied sex when I want some. (Except when it’s a quick shooting 23-year-old, but then I was royally pissed off that evening.) I’m not totally convinced it’s good for me, but I’m trying to look at it that way.

Davey would have helped me out when we got home but I was too tired by that point. You can imagine that I’ll be attacking him tonight. *grin* Davey could never be a dom in a million years, he’s too eager to make me happy. (Thank the god I don’t believe in.) MasterDoc suggested that Davey should hold out on me so that I didn’t get any until I see MasterDoc again on Monday (and as we know there’s no guarantee I’ll get anything that morning). But I have a date tomorrow with V., the woman I’ve just started talking to, and she’s sounding eager to get me into bed so odds are I wouldn’t have remained sex-free even if Davey did hold out on me. (And there’s always my trusty bullet vibe.) But still, it felt like punishment. *sigh* But of course I took it without too much complaint because, hey, I’m the sub and that’s what I signed on for – being told what to do or not to do. Alas, last night was all of the downside to being sub and little of the upside. (I did get cuddles from MasterDoc, so it wasn’t all bad. I like cuddles. And admittedly I enjoyed playing with his penis.)

I’ve got a lot of blog ideas floating around my head at the moment, just things that I’m thinking about. I’ve thought about the theory that women who are promiscuous are that way because of low self-esteem. I don’t think that’s true in my case. I seem to have more sex and more adventurous sex when I’m feeling confident. If I’m feeling depressed or insecure I shy away from sex. This theory sounds too much like an excuse to put down sexual women to me. “Oh, if she likes a lot of sex she must have issues, because, well women aren’t highly sexual.” What a crock of bull.

One theory I might have to give some thought to, however, is that sex is my drug of choice. In order to feel super-great and get a rush some people take drugs, some drink, some jump out of airplanes. Me? I have sex and act in an exhibitionistic way. I don’t have sex to get people to like me, I have sex because it feels good physically and mentally. I don’t do it to bolster my self esteem although being desired by a lot of people certainly doesn’t hurt my self-esteem. The point of it for me is that it feels good and those good feelings are enough of a reward for me to keep doing it. So long as I have safer sex and don’t put myself into dangerous situations it seems to me a far healthier option than doing drugs. No artificial chemicals being put into my body.

Anyway, that’s what’s floating around my head today. N. called me last night – just about when I was getting ready for bed. It’s funny how he makes time to talk to me when I don’t talk to him. I mean, he rarely calls me but I haven’t emailed him in a week and so he calls. It’s also interesting to note that one of his long-distance relationships has fizzled out and the woman he swings with is going away for two weeks, so no wonder he’s taking time to talk to me. He’d be woman-less without me for a couple of weeks. It might not be the reason he called, but it sure feels like it after he avoided time with me so much over the past couple of months. I think he really means to be a decent guy, but I’ve grown increasingly cynical about him. I don’t doubt that he enjoys my company (and not just the sex) but he seems to be in touch with me only when it’s convenient for him. Anyway we chatted for a few minutes about life in general and I did my best not to fall asleep as I was so tired after my busy morning and afternoon/evening at work. There was no mention of getting together over the weekend, which is just as well as Friday I have a date with that woman I was talking to (whoo hoo! and she seems eager to play) and Saturday Davey and I are hoping to spend time with two friends we haven’t hung out with in months.

Funny how all my blogs become sex blogs sooner or later. *chuckle*

When I got to MasterDoc’s place yesterday morning, he had a surprise waiting for me – a guest. He had invited a man with an interest in bdsm to come watch MasterDoc dominate and use me. Now I had suspected this might happen, after all I’ve known that it’s his plan to do this sort of thing with me sooner or later, and the day before he gave me specific instructions as to how to dress (slutty). I was nervous, but at the same time I was terribly turned on as I’m such an exhibitionist. I really do love the attention that comes from someone watching me have sex. I think that’s why I took to sex parties so quickly like I did.

MasterDoc introduced me and introduced the man and had me kneel in front of him (MasterDoc). (Heh, I just noticed that if you reduce “MasterDoc” to initials it’s “M.D.” Clever!) They talked a little bit about me and my training and the fact that the other gentleman was working with a woman who’s submissive. MasterDoc had me suck his cock and it really turned me on to do so in front of an audience. He told me to look at the other guy while I did it, and while I felt a bit shy to do so it also turned me on. MasterDoc exposed my breasts and played with them a little. When he let me sit back he commented on how I wore pantyhose, and I raised my miniskirt to show that in fact I had on stockings. He said that since I was lifting my skirt I might as well lift it to my waist and so I did so. Now, you don’t have to have a perfect body to take pleasure in showing it off. I don’t have a perfect body. I take great pleasure in showing it off. What can I say, I’m a bit of an attention whore.

MasterDoc had me lay on the floor in front of him on the sofa, and put my legs up on the sofa, so that I was spread open before him and the other guy. He commented on how wet I was (it was soaking through the thin fabric of the thong I wore) and exposed my pussy. He teased me a bit, having the other guy lean over to watch. I lay there submissively, enjoying the attention. He had me get an ice cube and he teased my nipples and cunt with the ice. After cooling me off, he had me stand so he could warm up my pussy again with his mouth.

He went into my bag of gear that I had brought along and got out my crop/slapper (it’s built like a riding crop but it has two larger pieces of leather at the end than the usual crop). I was on all fours in front of him, facing the other guy on the couch and he spanked me a bit with the crop and little flogger. He blindfolded me since I peeked at what he had grabbed when he grabbed the flogger. “No peeking!” he told me and had me put the blindfold on. The other gentleman held my head in his hands as MasterDoc flogged me a little bit. M.D. had me suck his cock a bit more and then had me beg to be fucked. He positioned me on my hands and knees on the mat on the floor, and invited the other guy to move to the floor to get a better view. As he entered me, it hurt a little as MasterDoc has a big cock and while I was wet, sometimes I need a bit of stretching out before I’m fully warmed up. But after the first couple of thrusts it felt great and I got into it. He had me look at the other guy while he fucked me and the guy commented on how I clearly enjoyed being fucked. I came and my muscles pushed MasterDoc out (involuntary response, believe you me. I’d be quite happy to keep him in there!). He took over fingering me and I came hard. Unfortunately, as has happened once or twice before, my muscle contractions pushed some matter out of my butt. Now if I was at all into scat I might have been turned on by this, however I’m not even remotely into scat so I was just embarrassed. MasterDoc was kind and just told me to go clean off. I came back out to the living room feeling embarrassed.

MasterDoc cuddled me for a moment and again had me get on my knees to suck his cock. He had me beg again to be fucked and this time he offered the other guy my legs to hold while he fucked me. I lay on the floor with my head near the couch and the other guy sitting on the couch with his legs on either side of my head. He held and caressed my legs while MasterDoc fucked me. I came really hard and then MasterDoc started fucking me with a toy and I came harder until I was squirting a shower all over myself. The other guy had a front row seat for the action. Again with the muscle contractions and my butt (argh!) so I had to go clean up a second time. (Mortifying!!)

Around this time the other guy prepared to leave and MasterDoc had me come out to say goodbye to him. He seemed to have really appreciated the show and I felt comfortable with him, so I hoped he’d be back for more. M.D. and I ordered lunch and cuddled while talking about what had gone on that morning. His cock was still hard but he figured that he’d probably just about start fucking me when the food arrived so we didn’t play any more. After lunch I still had a few minutes before I had to leave for work, so MasterDoc took me over his lap and spanked and fingered me. He would pause and grab my hair firmly, asserting his dominance, and that gets me so hot. He spanked and fingered me to orgasm. I’m a very lucky girl.

I had to dash, so I quickly dressed and headed out. As I was leaving the building he called my cell phone to point out how kind he is to me – he had forgotten to have me clean up the place before leaving. Apparently next time there will be more time for cleaning up and less time for orgasms. *sigh*

As I said goodbye to MasterDoc, he handed me some money and told me that was my part of the earnings from the morning’s show. I’m sure my face lit up at the idea of getting paid to do something that turns me on so much. It was a modest sum, but he had used most of the money to pay for our lunch. Still, I had enough money to pay for my dinner (with leftovers for lunch today and a little change) and I smiled to myself as I bought dinner last night with my slut money. After I spent it, I kinda had the thought that maybe I should have framed it, you know like how businesses frame their first dollar earned. *chuckle* But it’s been spent.

This weekend was far more tame than the last one. I had to work on Saturday, and then after I ended up going out to the movies and dinner alone. I had plans to visit a friend I haven’t seen in ages but she canceled at the last minute. Davey treated me to the movie and dinner (I’m perpetually broke) as I was willing to go out because he had a date coming over.

What a change of pace, him having a date and me not! Seeing as it was likely he’d finally get some this date (about the fourth or fifth date with this woman, but mostly they’ve met out and about so they haven’t had anywhere to go for sex) I certainly didn’t want to cause him to cancel. Oh no, I couldn’t bear to do that to him. So I went and saw the Simpsons movie and then took myself and the book I was reading to a restaurant and had some dinner. Then I called Davey to say I was coming home.

They had finished dinner around the time I called, and I hoped that after spending the afternoon out and alone that he finally got some. And yes, he finally got some. Twice. Hooray! It was worth it. I hung out with them for a while and we watched some tv and then played her PlayStation 2 karaoke games that she brought along. (I love karaoke.) And lucky me, she lent us one of her microphones and game discs. Whoo hoo! I had an afternoon karaoke session today. Bless Davey for putting up with me. I’ve found that I do a great rendition of Dido’s Thank You.

Davey declared today to be Girlfriend Appreciation Day and we could do anything I wanted. I mostly wanted to spend time at home since I spent most of the day before out. I did ask at one point if Girlfriend Appreciation Day included a back massage and gladly, it did. This of course led to sex in the afternoon – first time for me this weekend (we were both tired Friday night). Yes, sometimes the wild sexual woman you know and love is somewhat tame. We all need breaks. lol

I actually got a response on a dating site from a woman today – something that is as rare as the dodo. I’m chatting with her right now so I’ll cut this short and go do that.

I have plans with MasterDoc in the morning to look forward to.