Diary of a Kinky Librarian

So I’ve talked with MasterDoc and he says that complaining here is very different than complaining in person while in submissive mode, and he promises that I can blog about the following without being penalized. Whew.

I’ve found something dirty/nasty/kinky that I don’t enjoy. (I know, I’m surprised too.) I don’t enjoy licking ass. The other day was just preliminary for having me lick MasterDoc’s asshole and yesterday he set me up thus: TENS leads on one nipple, me on the sybian on the floor. If I hesitated or did a poor job, then the TENS would get turned up. If I did a good job, then the sybian would get turned up. He got on the bed in front of me and placed his ass right in front of my face. While there wasn’t a strong taste or smell to it, and he had cleaned well right beforehand, I still didn’t like licking ass. In fact, it’s a bona fide turn off for me – I could barely notice the sybian while I was doing it. He made me really get in there and lick it properly for a few minutes, pulling his cheeks apart to get in as close as possible. I did my best job because I didn’t want the pain of the TENS unit on my nipple. But as I said, the result for me was mostly being turned off. My reaction can best be summed up by the familiar “Mr. Yuk” face used for poison control. My mouth felt dirty for hours afterward.

I realize that there are people who enjoy licking ass. And I realize that it must feel very good (I wouldn’t know). But I don’t enjoy doing it. And I doubt that’s going to change no matter how many times he makes me do it. Lucky me.

Luckily, because I was a good girl, afterward he gave me a ride on the sybian and let me come, hard. But then he had me lick ass some more, this time making a seal with my mouth and sucking while licking. And the Mr. Yuk face applies again. I think the problem is mostly psychological, but I just can’t get my head around licking someone’s asshole being a good, enjoyable thing. I mean, shit comes out that hole. Being a sub sometimes includes degradation and humiliation and this experience definitely fits the bill. File this under things I don’t enjoy about being a sub.

I had a blog entry all written out for today, but then I decided not to post it. You see, if I complain about something then MasterDoc will only make me do it more. So I’m not going to complain. It’s a pity though because I even had a cute graphic to go with it. MasterDoc has even expressed concern that I don’t feel comfortable being critical on this blog, but of course I don’t, because if I complain he’ll only make me do something I don’t like even more. So why would I complain about it here?

Davey’s home. Hooray! Although I had to tear him away from watching episode after episode of Rome on dvd. (He borrowed it from the library.) I had been feeling crampy and cranky earlier so he figured we wouldn’t be having sex, but I got bored and decided that sex was just the thing to alleviate my boredom. I told him that he could either keep watching the show while I went and took a shower, or he could come have sex with me and come on me before my shower. Needless to say, he chose the latter. Being direct pays off.

While we were fooling around I asked him to put a third finger in me and he said, “I know you can take it. You can take a whole fist.” Huh? I’ve never been fisted. “Yes you have, by K. at that roof top sex party.” OMG. I’ve been fisted and I didn’t know it. Granted, K. is a woman and her hands are relatively small, and I do remember coming very hard and very loud as she fingered me that night. Or at least, I thought she was fingering me. But Davey saw the whole thing and he says her entire hand was inside me. Go fig. I’ve been fisted and I didn’t even know it! I only wish I had known.

Even after Davey came all over me I was still feeling horny so I had him get my favorite g-spot hitting silicone dildo and my bullet vibe. As much as I like the magic wand, the bullet vibe is still a favorite. Sometimes the wand is just too intense. So between Davey fucking me with the dildo and me using the vibe on my clit I came so hard. I mean, I was just in another world. And I floated from one orgasm to the next for a couple of minutes. I’m a happy girl.

A friend who reads this blog sent me this link to a short video clip. It’s very short, but very hot and includes the sybian.

I miss Davey. Home seems so lonely without him here. I spent much of the day watching a Bad Girls marathon. I’m so hooked on that show. It’s a British women in prison drama so it has a few of my favorite things: Brits, cute women and women kissing.

There’s a lot of kinky possibilities in the prison scenario. Lots of D/s possibilities. I like the image of being handcuffed, forced to strip and then roughly and thoroughly searched. My fantasy doesn’t go much beyond that, but there’s the whole being dominated, humiliated and handled rough packed into one fantasy.

Today was the first day I called up MasterDoc to ask permission to masturbate. I felt kinda funny bothering him but I was really horny and as I’m spending the day alone I couldn’t think about anything else. He text messaged back that I had permission. Yay! I immediately went to the bedroom, got out my magic wand and popped some porn in the dvd player. Soon I was coming and even squirting a little. I felt much better after that although I still felt horny.

The other day I forgot to mention something I did for the first time – licked ass. MasterDoc had been threatening to have me do it for a long time, and he finally had me do it. It wasn’t too bad to lick around the general area, as I did out of an aversion to licking the hole directly, but he specifically ordered me to get my tongue in there. It wasn’t as unpleasant as I thought it would be, but it’s not something that turns me on at all. Of course, MasterDoc doesn’t care if it turns me on or not, as that’s not the point. I can imagine that it feels good but no one’s ever done that to me. (Yes, there’s actually something I’ve never experienced.) I’ll have to imagine it feeling good when I’m asked to be a submissive slut and do it.

After a boring Thanksgiving, spent feeling like I couldn’t be myself, I had a chat online with D.S. We discussed the fact that spending time with our “chosen family” is so different and so preferable to spending time with our biological families. We lamented how we can’t be open about our various partners and so part of our lives, an important part of our lives, remains totally hidden from those who are supposed to love us as we are, our family. Spending time with my mother and brother just reminds me of the fact that they’re terribly dysfunctional and that, lamentably, I will probably never have a warm, close, loving relationship with them. Instead we get together over holidays out of a sense of obligation. Things with my dad are better, but still, I could see the unease in his eyes when I dropped the phrase “Davey and I have an open relationship” into the conversation. I think rather than images of loving, polyamorous relationships he had an image of swingers. And yes, that’s not a totally inaccurate picture of my life (and what dad wants to hear about that?) but MasterDoc and D.S. are wonderful people and very much a part of my life – more a part of my life than my immediate family is these days. They’re not casual fucks, they’re close friends and important to me.

Why should I have to pretend that Davey is the only important person in my life? I can see that Christmas will be more of the same, putting on a show for family, wishing I was instead spending time with those who I really want to spend time with. I now understand why the holidays are such a stressful time for most people.

Davey’s away for a few days so I’m spending a little time at MasterDoc’s house. It’s nice to get extra time with him even if things have been, for the most part, mellow. (It’s also nice not to be home alone.) For Thanksgiving I’ll be doing the family thing. (Oh joy.)

Now even though things have been mellow the past day and a half, that doesn’t mean that things haven’t been interesting. Yesterday afternoon, he spent a while flogging me – on my inner thighs, my butt and even my upper back. My pain tolerance was reasonably good. He tried out some oxygen tubing and this evil-looking strap he has (not quite as horrible as I envisioned, but then he didn’t hit me that hard or long with it and it stung like the dickens anyway). The strap had been missing for a while because one of his other subs hid it on him. That definitely made me fear the strap. The oxygen tubing stung quite a bit as well. Despite all the flogging and a few swats of the other implements, I’m not terribly bruised today. Some bruising on my inner thighs and just a little one on my butt, and a slight one on one breast. I’m glad when my pain tolerance is up because then I can actually enjoy the beating. When it’s low things just plain hurt, but when it’s up I get into the rhythm of the swats and it’s actually somewhat relaxing. He used the little flogger he has, which is a fairly sting-y instrument. The large heavy flogger is more thuddy but he left that at another sub’s house.

I was blindfolded for most of this, and he surprised me with some hot wax on my inner thighs, chest, nipples, etc. Once he had me on my hands and knees he dribbled some hot wax on my back and butt as well. I think this was the first time he focused on my upper back at all. I’ve always been focused on my butt when it comes to impact play but I enjoyed the upper back as well. The wax stung, particularly on my inner thighs where it was already sensitive from being flogged.

After a couple more shots with the strap he gagged me (with my favorite, duct tape) and flogged me some more. (Being a good dom he didn’t want to gag me while playing with new implements.) He fucked me from behind and I moaned and moaned through the gag. (I love when he fucks me. Yes, I’m a dirty slut, and proud of it!) After fucking, he commanded me to suck his cock so I ripped off the gag and got to work. He fucked me again after that, and he let me come. I mainly came when he used his fingers after fucking me. Surprisingly, I didn’t squirt.

I got to spend the night as his place and I spent the day here. Mostly I’ve been amusing myself while he gets stuff done, but in the afternoon he decided to fuck me, but for a change, he told me that I was to fuck him rather aggressively. Now I’m pretty passive in the bedroom and it’s part of why I’m into the role of submissive. I love being told what to do and not having to think, just being used sexually. So it took a bit for me to be aggressive in turning him on as he laid back and relaxed. One thing I’m not passive with is blow jobs. I get into those. *grin* I had to hope that turning him on was enough to get me turned on because I wasn’t getting any foreplay. We fucked, with me on top, and I rode him as best I could. Next, he fucked me while on top and finally he fucked me from behind. I didn’t get to come, and afterward he said that was by design. Still, it felt so good to be fucked. I should be nice and relaxed when I have to deal with my family tomorrow.

So this weekend was the gang bang. I’m sure readers are waiting to hear the steamy details. But first I want to thank Davey for a lovely weekend – we went out to dinner at a pricey restaurant (where the food is fantastic), he organized the gang bang (with the kind assistance of MasterDoc) and then treated me to Sunday brunch (and filled my car with gas and paid for a car wash). I’m very lucky to have him. Oh and he got me a hitachi magic wand for my birthday. Whoo hoo! I want to thank MasterDoc for helping so much with organizing the gang bang, finding a place where we could have it (at the home of one of his girlfriends/subs) and getting things moving during the gang bang, and the orgasms, can’t forget the orgasms.

S. is the only girlfriend of MasterDoc’s that I hadn’t met and she kindly agreed to host the party at her place. I’m so glad to have met her now as I feel like I’ve met a kindred spirit. We had the best time talking for a long while after the guests had left. Davey could barely get a word in edgewise. One of the perks of being poly is meeting other people you click with, who you wouldn’t have met otherwise.

Davey and I arrived at the same time as Saajan. MasterDoc was already there. The group of us (including S.) talked and those who hadn’t met before got acquainted. MasterDoc took out my new magic wand and plugged it in, teasing me through my jeans. Eventually we all moved into the bedroom and I got naked. (Davey went and invited S. to come watch shortly after we got started in the bedroom. I’m glad she wasn’t left out, and goodness knows I don’t mind an audience.) MasterDoc had to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t in dom mode, but his dom-ness came in handy to get things moving. I hadn’t seen Saajan in a few months and it was good to spend naked time with him again. Between the magic wand and the three lovely penises I had plenty to keep me busy and I squirted a bit when I came.

N. showed up once everything had gotten started and he jumped in pretty quickly. (I really missed D.S.’s presence. I would have loved to have him there instead of N.) And so I had four guys taking turns fucking me, with the magic wand filling in in between. S. lent us her g-spot attachment for the magic wand and I was happy to test-drive it. (I want one for Christmas now.) The gang bang might have been a little bit better without the magic wand, however, as it provides so much stimulation that it’s a noticeable difference when you switch to real, live, non-vibrating penis.

All the fucking kinda blurs together and I couldn’t tell you who went when other than the fact that MasterDoc got everything started. I was on my knees, head down on the bed moaning. I was on my back, legs up in the air, a penis in each hand as someone else fucked me. It was a lot of fun and luckily everyone involved is comfortable with laughter during sex. There were a lot of jokes cracked but the down side to that was the way my vaginal muscles would push whoever out when I laughed.

Soon Saajan had to head to work, MasterDoc had a date with yet another girlfriend, and N. gave me a birthday present before bidding us farewell. As I said before, Davey and I ended up hanging out much longer with S., nibbling on the snacks we brought and just talking about anything and everything. It was a fun day, and yes indeed, I realize that I could take more than four guys at a time in the future. *grin*

While most days I’m a happy-go-lucky slut, there are still times when memories/feelings of the assault and the rape come up unexpectedly. It’s sometimes quite unexpected what will trigger these feelings. I’ve had feelings come up when seeing something named Jefferson (and there’s a hell of a lot of stuff in this country named after Thomas Jefferson), I’ve had feelings come up earlier this year fooling around with Davey and having a hard time reaching orgasm (and feeling like I’m an irreparably broken human being from the assault. I’ve ended up in tears over this a few times in the past couple of years.) This week, I had an instance when it felt like someone wasn’t listening to me, and it flooded back feelings of not being listened to when I was raped and when I was assaulted. Now, the reaction I had (panic, feeling unsafe) had very little, if anything, to do with the person who happened to be involved with the trigger. I trust the person involved with the trigger. Just as I trust Davey but still triggers have come up with him.

Unfortunately the person involved with this instance of triggering took things personally and was rather hurt that I seemed to not trust him. I instantly felt terrible for hurting his feelings and spent quite a bit of time crying that night. But the fact is, I can’t control these trigger reactions any more than a soldier coming home from war can control feeling panicked at loud noises. The people who happen to be around when I’m triggered don’t generally have anything at all to do with how I end up feeling. Little stupid things can make me feel triggered. I recognize this as simply post traumatic stress and figure I’ll have to deal with it off and on throughout my life. This is why rape and sexual assault are so damaging – they change a person forever. I can never go back to having the level of trust in humanity I had before those two events in my life. And this affects everyone in my life in some small way, whether they know it or not. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to the wonderful men who are in my life who wouldn’t ever hurt me or ignore my lack of consent. But this shit is abundant in our society and it pisses me off. We have legions of damaged women (and sometimes even men) who must try to dodge triggers right and left and get through their lives with some semblance of normalcy.

Thankfully, I spend most of my time not feeling triggered. It happens less and less as time goes on, and I’m better at identifying what’s going on and dealing with it than I was when the post traumatic stress first came on. (Right after the assault I couldn’t be out alone at night without feeling like something terrible was going to happen to me. And I wasn’t in a situation where I was out alone at night when the assault happened. I just felt unsafe all over.) I’d love to think that some day triggers won’t happen to me, but then I’m not naïve enough to think that’s the case.

Oh well, right now I’m post-trigger and I’m determined to have a wonderful time at my birthday gang bang this afternoon. Despite what’s happened to me I’m still a free-spirited sexual babe and I’m not going to let anything stop me from that (for long). Viva pleasure!