Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I got a pleasant surprise last night. MasterDoc was up for going out with me. He’s not been himself for a couple of weeks. S. and I were getting rather worried about him. I mean, MasterDoc turning down kinky sex? Something must be wrong. But he’s starting to feel better again and it’s so nice to have him back. (When someone’s not themselves for a while, you miss them.) So even though I had had sex twice with Davey earlier in the day, I was thrilled to go out and spend some time with MasterDoc.

We went to a swing club, which was unfortunately just about empty. And the one couple there wasn’t really interested in playing with others. *sigh* He set me up in my underwear, playing with a vibrator to try to entice the couple into playing. No dice. Still, it was fun to watch the couple as they did it in every position imaginable and were quite athletic about it. At one point the guy picked her up and bounced her on his cock as he stood up.

While we couldn’t entice them into playing, we’re not ones to depend on others for amusement so he bent me over the leather couch and fucked me from behind. Mmmm. I was noisy as always, half hoping the other couple might become interested but basically sure they wouldn’t. After a break we went to fuck in that position again, and MasterDoc realized that it wasn’t a great angle for doggy style, but would be a great angle for anal sex. And so he lubed me up and took me anally right there in the club. This was only the second time we had ever had anal sex (I’ve done it a bit with Davey but otherwise there was only one instance of me having anal). It was really hot having him take me like that in public. I felt like such a dirty slut. I played with the vibrator on my clit and really got into it, so much so that I begged to be allowed to come, and he let me.

A couple more couples arrived around this time, and one of the couples expressed some interest in us. I wasn’t into the guy but I thought the woman was cute, and she and I ended up playing on the couch. She didn’t really know what she was doing but she tried. I fingered her and went down on her for a bit and she complimented my skills. Funny tidbit, when MasterDoc sucked her breasts he noticed she was lactating. No wonder her breasts felt so heavy and full. Odd and unexpected. I enjoyed going down on her even though the angle was a bit difficult. It’s interesting trying to breathe through your mouth while licking pussy. lol I figured the odds were I’d end up fucking the guy so MasterDoc could get some pussy, but ultimately he didn’t have me. Funny thing is I’m enough of a slut that I would have been up for it. I totally was not into the guy, but fucking someone to please MasterDoc would have been hot. He and I fucked on a the sofa again, this time with me on his lap facing him. I really need to get into shape because I tire out too easily in that position. lol Maybe I just need to do more of it.

We moved to one of the rooms with beds and MasterDoc took me over his knee for a spanking. He smacked my ass hard and fingered me in between rounds of spanks. He grabbed my hair and spanked some more. I got so hot over this. I get so hot over someone else being in control. I don’t often get into that headspace known as subspace but I totally did last night. The pain from the spanking subsided a bit and became almost pleasurable. I was putty in his hands. I would have been happy for him to continue, but he hadn’t brought any spanking implements and his hand was getting sore. Too bad his hand wore out before my butt did.

We wandered around a bit more and ended up watching another couple for a bit. They left the room after a short while. Seems we weren’t fated to do much playing with others last night. MasterDoc fucked me again, this time on my back. I was a lucky girl to be fucked so many times in one day. It was getting late, and we were getting tired. We headed home to my place (Davey was out fucking S. so it was kinda a swap) and went to sleep after some cuddling. The next morning there was more cuddling, and MasterDoc got a hard on so there was more fucking. We popped some porn in the dvd player and he watched for a while as I went down on him. He fucked me from behind and I would rock my body, pushing back hard onto his cock. He slapped my ass a bit. We took a break and fucked some more, this time laying on our sides. He decided that he wanted to come, so he stroked himself for a while, watching the porn. When it was time for him to come he had me put my face right by his cock so he could come on my face. It shot into my ear and hair and all over the side of my face. He then had me lick as much of it off his cock as possible. (I have to really trust someone to let them get come in my mouth. Currently I only trust Davey and MasterDoc enough to do that. I know they both test clean and both consistently use condoms. I also trust that they would never knowingly put me at risk.)

My life is really funny, after MasterDoc left I ended up getting together for lunch with S. and Davey. lol We were a bit disappointed that our restaurant table wasn’t as secluded as we would have liked, because the conversation inevitably leads to talk of sex, sex and more sex. I’m so glad to have a small network of slutty friends. I’m also glad that Davey could get some when I was getting some. He’s a very giving sort of guy but neither of us is into cuckolding.

Nothing much to report here. Thought I’d share some fun lyrics from Belle and Sebastian:

My baby came to me lately
‘Honey, please don’t take this bad, but maybe
When you laid me
Could we try to spice it up?’

I looked across the table
First to see if she was joking
No joke
There was no flicker
Just a girl who wanted more

Than meat and potatoes
She may stop at whips and chains
She needs carousal
More arousal
A bit of pain

So we started by using handcuffs
We tried a can of cold whipped cream
I was allergic to so much dairy
She had to finish it all by herself

Then I slapped her
She wasn’t expecting
So she hit me back
She friggin’ cracked me
I got a nose bleed
She was angry
She wanted more

Than mean and potatoes
She may stop at pumps and drains!
She needs carousal
More arousal
A bit of pain

Invite the neighbours
Or total strangers
Give yourself a leg up, honey
Wear ‘The Queen’ mask
Put on the French basque
It’s full of handy holes
If we’re going to use them all
We’re going to need more than

Meat and potatoes!
She may draw the line at dolls and freaks
She needs some abusing
Some amusement
To get through the week

‘I know you respect me
You won’t reject me
And the arrow of our love is straight and true’

Nothing new or kinky to post. I’m having a craptacular week. Something’s wrong with my car, a supposed friend lashed out at me big time and I had to deal with my family on xmas. I’m so ready for this week to be over.

I find myself in high spirits this Christmas Eve. I’m off from work tomorrow, getting presents from my family and Davey and I get to watch the Yule Log* tomorrow morning. You may wonder why an atheist is all mushy over Christmas, but hey, I wasn’t always the godless heathen I am now and I enjoy the festivities and pagan symbolism (hey, my Christmas tree is a pagan symbol, not a symbol of Christianity) and hell, who doesn’t like to get gifts, for whatever reason. If I could figure out how to get gifts for Hanukkah I’d celebrate that as well. (Kwanzaa might be taking it a bit too far though.)

I’ve spent a lot of time on collarme.com the past day or so and it’s given my libido a bit of a kick start. Hey, a message board thread on face slapping (hawt!) will do that to me. I’m terribly menstrual right now so I’m not acting on this kick start much, but it’s just nice to feel a bit of burning embers going on down below. (I still think the prozac has dampened my libido though.) I find myself having wild bdsm fantasies. *sighs wistfully* I’m so glad that I have a Dom finally so that these fantasies can become reality.

Last night I got some stressful family news near bedtime and I found myself wanting to masturbate for the stress relief qualities. Davey was perfectly fine with my wanting to go solo, but I commented to him while picking up my cell phone, “There’s someone I have to message first.” And nice-guy Davey laughed the most evil laugh over the fact that I have to ask permission to masturbate. It’s funny how he’s the sweetest guy you could ever hope to know but he gets wicked delight over my being Dommed. (It’s a shame he’s not very kinky as he’d make a good submissive himself.) Oh well, at least he enjoys it, but I suppose I sometimes wish he didn’t enjoy it quite so much!

*It’s a New York area thing. Davey had never heard of it before moving to this area. He pointed out that if it were something that sprung up in say, Arkansas, I’d make fun of it mercilessly, and he’s right, but it was part of my childhood Christmases and so I get nostalgic for the six and a half minute loop of burning log.

Since my little inappropriate outburst the other night, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the sub mindset and what it means to be a sub. I’ve also thought about a comment MasterDoc made that I’ve become too casual (don’t remember the exact words he used but it was something like that). I have gotten a little too casual around him lately. Our relationship is a D/s one and I need to remember my place in that. He’s a very laid-back person but I must never take advantage of his good nature.

I created a login at collarme.com today so I could go on the message boards and read advice from subs to subs. And it’s helped renew my submissive mindset. It’s also reassuring to know that I’m not the only person who gets off on being submissive and lesser in a relationship. *grin* I do have my moments when I realize that many wouldn’t understand why I freely enter into being someone’s sub. I mean, sometimes I wonder that myself, since I’m a fairly independent, feminist woman. But at the same time I can’t remember a time in my life when the idea of being used sexually and submitting wasn’t a huge turn on. I remember reading an article about the Patty Hearst kidnapping when I was young (pre-teen probably), and getting wildly turned on at the description of her being tied up in a closet. I’ve always had fantasies of being taken forcibly sexually. I kinda see my sub status as an inborn orientation, like my bisexuality.

It’s interesting the dichotomies that can exist in life. I can be independent and yet submissive. I can be turned on by rape fantasies but also damaged by actual non-consensual rape. I can yearn to be submissive to someone and yet have a hard time letting go of my independence at times. There are times when I just totally get into the sub mindset and I aim to please, but there’s other days when I feel rebellious and have a hard time not being selfish. At core I’m a rather spoiled, selfish girl. The dynamic I have with Davey is very different than the one I have with MasterDoc. You wouldn’t think I was a submissive seeing the dynamic between me and Davey. When people find out I’m kinky, they often assume I’m a Domme, which makes me laugh because I have a really hard time playing the Domme role. But outside the bedroom I’m not particularly submissive. Occasionally I can be switch, but that’s mostly with men as I don’t worry so much about hurting them. (I’m deathly afraid of hurting a woman in the bad way.) I think the hardest time I have being sub is when it’s in a non-sexual way, when I’m helping MasterDoc around the house. The funny thing is knowing my selfish, lazy, spoiled nature part of me thinks it’s really good for me to be forced to forget about my own wishes and serve someone else’s. It can carry over into my relationship with Davey, which is a positive. I’ll feel like being lazy and letting Davey do the dishes since I know he’ll do them if I don’t, but then I’ll realize that I’m being selfish, and if you love someone you should do things to serve them sometimes – even if that’s not your relationship dynamic. I think I’ve gotten a little better about helping around the house since I’ve taken on being MasterDoc’s sub. (There’s still room for improvement.)

Despite the fact that it’s sometimes hard for me to get properly in the sub mindset, I want nothing more than to continue to be MasterDoc’s sub. I hate disappointing him and the very idea of him not being my Dom really bothers me. I’d be crushed. And so I want to do my best to fulfill my role in this situation. And so I work on improving.

Here’s something x-rated to tide you all over until I get back to being my randy self. D.S. took this photo last weekend when he visited. It’s a close up of me and Davey.

Am I an exhibitionist much?

It’s been a busy week, and one spent being busy doing dull things that are not blog-worthy. I got together with MasterDoc last night for the first time in a week and a half and unfortunately I was tired from a stressful week at work. We were going to go to a swing club, but because I was so worn out I had really mixed feelings about going out. I tried to get myself in the mindset to go, but while we got ready to go out I got tireder and crankier and finally I had an outburst. I complained about how tired I was and how doing little chores around his place was making me more tired and that I didn’t really want to go out. Now of course, this couldn’t have been more inappropriate as I was wearing my collar by that time. MasterDoc handled it calmly, but it’s clear that I will be punished for it at some point. Of course then I felt even more lousy because I had been bad, and I was tired and I was cranky. Ultimately we stayed in, and despite my fatigue I had a hard time falling asleep.

I hoped that maybe this morning we’d get up to something but not only have I been minimally horny (I’m now thinking maybe the prozac I’m taking has squashed my sex drive lately), MasterDoc has also been feeling kinda blah. Even more than sex I was hoping for a good thrashing, as a beating would help me unwind from the week. Now that I have bdsm in my life on a fairly regular basis, I realize how therapeutic it actually can be. (And last night MasterDoc showed me a news story online about a Russian scientist discovering pain to be useful for combating depression and a myriad other problems. I’ll have to see if he can send me the link. Granted, I’m a librarian and could search for the story…but maybe he can point me in the right direction. UPDATE: S. was kind enough to supply the link for me.) Alas, despite my going down on him for a while, MasterDoc didn’t feel like doing anything – fucking or beating – and so he sent me home. I did my best to just accept this and not complain, having already been a bad sub for whining the night before (rather than expressing my feelings in a more constructive way) but I so yearned for a thrashing. Before I left MasterDoc joked, “Consider this part of your punishment.” And that kinda made me feel better. I had felt bad about acting out and it may sound weird to someone who’s not a sub, but I wanted to be punished somehow for my outburst. Granted, some hard smacks on my ass would have been an enjoyable punishment, but not getting what I want and crave is actually a very suitable punishment.

So, I don’t have any hot stories to share this week. I’m hoping I get out of this slump sometime. I’ve been a little horny the past day or so, so perhaps Davey and I will get up to something tonight. The sad part is that I’d really rather a beating than sex. But then again, after a beating I’d probably want sex. But maybe I’ll have to take the sex straight up. I’m not complaining, I’m never one to turn down an orgasm.

Amazingly, sometimes sex isn’t the foremost thing on my mind. Lately I’ve been thinking about religion, politics, tv shows, making latkes for dinner tonight, setting up the Christmas tree. I’m essentially an atheist who has some belief in supernatural phenomena. I celebrate Christmas as a cultural holiday because it’s what I’ve always celebrated. Davey and I had latkes recently in honor of Hanukkah even though we’re both atheistic former christians (because they’re yummy). I’m all for honoring all cultures, as long as it’s not in a beat somebody about the head and make them believe sort of way. I was bored at work the other day and I spent some time at beliefnet.com trying to find out what exactly my belief system would be called. Apparently they peg me as a Unitarian, but of course everyone who has wacky beliefs that don’t fit any other system would be welcomed at the Unitarian congregation. I think secular humanism is a pretty good description, although I do believe that there’s a spiritual side of life, an unseen. I just don’t believe in one all-powerful being running the show.

Of course none of this is going to be as interesting to you as the fact that last night I had a threesome with Davey and D.S. But although I seem like I’m always wet and ready, sometimes I’m just not into the sex. I mean, I had a good time but I was frustrated with myself – I wasn’t feeling particularly horny. I don’t know why I didn’t feel horny, here I had two hot guys who I absolutely adore and feel very comfortable with all eager to have a threesome with me, and I was just like “meh.” Trust me, this does not reflect on the attractiveness of the two men. I should have been revved up. But I suppose even major sluts need a break sometimes. Besides, the anger over the assault has resurfaced for me lately. That might have been part of my problem.

Still, it was hot and I did manage to come once or twice, and it felt really good to have D.S.’s tongue on my clit while his fingers massaged my g-spot from inside. It felt good to have Davey fuck me from behind while I went down on D.S. And in the end, everybody got off. I’m just disappointed that I wasn’t the sex goddess I like to make myself out to be. I suppose I’m only human.

Yesterday I got a call from the guy from Saturday night. He seems quite interested in coming back for more. I’ve told him that he has to get MasterDoc’s permission of course, as I don’t fuck anyone new without MasterDoc’s permission (unless of course it was going to be a swap with me and him and Davey and a lady friend of his, that’s my one loophole – my sex life as it relates to Davey is unregulated. I’m also allowed to have sex with D.S. For everything else, MasterDoc has control.) Last night MasterDoc called him but he only got voicemail.

I spent some time with MasterDoc yesterday, and while watching a movie he was suddenly inspired to go down on me. Mmmm. I couldn’t focus on the movie at that point. He got his fingers inside me as well and he could have easily made me come if he wanted to, but of course he was just having some fun with me.

Later he gave me a good spanking with my crop/slapper. It’s shaped like a riding crop but the end is wider and has two overlapping ends like a slapper. (Not to be confused with the British term slapper, of which I suppose I am one.) My pain tolerance is still up so the beating felt good and only really hurt now and then. My thighs are more sensitive than my butt, so slaps to either the backs or insides of my thighs tend to hurt quite a bit. He blindfolded me and spent a while hitting me, getting my butt all red, flogging me a little bit. He started hitting me quite hard at one point, and I’d flinch and pull away. He scolded me for moving and told me to keep still. I had to really work to keep my ass in place and just take the harsh blows. He’d slap my pussy at times as well, which made me want to flinch too. I really do get off on trying to take everything he dishes out. I realize my sexuality is definitely outside the mainstream, but I get off on submitting and being hurt. I don’t understand why I get off on it, but I know that it’s always been a turn on for me.

MasterDoc had me suck his cock for a while and I got it all wet and slippery. In the end, I didn’t have an orgasm or get fucked last night. But as a good sub I didn’t complain. I was actually more in the mood to be beaten so it worked out well after all.

This morning, MasterDoc got a morning hard on. He had me suck his cock for a while, getting it really hard and then he had me put a condom on, slap lube on myself and get on top (that’s right, no foreplay for me, although going down on him got me hot). I was very happy to get fucked. He joked about being lazy, having me do all the work but then said, “As long as you get my cock in you you really don’t care, do you?” And of course it’s true. I had one of those moments when I realized just how much of a slut I am. But you know, I don’t think of it as a bad thing. Yes I’m extremely easy, but I do it, mainly, because it gives me pleasure. While I enjoy being used by MasterDoc it’s something that I do out of choice, out of a desire to enjoy my life to the fullest, not out of something lacking. I’m a feminist at heart and my pleasure is the key, although sometimes my pleasure is to give others pleasure and be used sexually. I’m easy because I enjoy being easy. People like to paint sluts as being low in self-esteem, but when my self-esteem is low, I just withdraw from the world. I don’t go around fucking. When my self-esteem is high I’m the biggest slut on the planet.

We fucked for a while this morning and it felt wonderful, but again I didn’t get to come. I had to get ready for work so we didn’t have a lot of time. As usual, I’m annoyed that work has to get in the way of my sex life. lol But I can’t be a slut ALL of the time.

I got to spend some time with MasterDoc yesterday. My pain tolerance seems to be up and I’ve noticed over the past couple of months it seems to go up right before my period. Interesting. We started off with some cuddling, as we were both in the mood for it and MasterDoc wasn’t feeling particularly horny. But after a bit he had me suck his cock. I must’ve done a good job as he got hard and decided to fuck me.

He had me put the blindfold on and the left the room for a few minutes. When he came back he slapped my breasts with the riding crop then had me get on my hands and knees. He spent some time spanking my ass. Now when my pain tolerance is up, being beaten is relaxing. It doesn’t really hurt until he’s given me some hard whacks (which he of course did). He then fucked me from behind, slapping my ass from time to time. He took a phone call while fucking me and I just quieted down my screams to moans.

He took a break and handed me a vibrator. I played with the vibe on my clit, getting hornier but not quite to the brink of orgasm. He used the hitachi magic wand for a little bit, which only got me worked up more. He decided to fuck me some more and really gave it to me hard. I finally felt like I could come so I asked permission and this time he granted it right away. I came, and of course my vaginal muscles did their “eject button” contracting and pushed his penis out. He then took over fingering me and I screamed and shuddered in orgasm. I was a very happy girl between the fun I had on Saturday night and the fun I had yesterday with MasterDoc.

He had me lay on my back and he slapped my thighs and pussy with the riding crop for a bit. It seemed like I was going to have some nice welts there but surprisingly I’m not really marked today.

You may have noticed a name change to this blog. I’ve decided not to call it “Don’t Start Me Talking” any more and instead call if “Diary of a Kinky Librarian.”