Diary of a Kinky Librarian

After a quiet couple of weeks, it was nice to get up to naughtiness with MasterDoc. On Friday we had a couple come over – the guy having been the one I fucked at this party. He’s stayed in touch off and on, clearly interested in fucking me again. MasterDoc was holding out his permission until this guy could provide some new pussy for him. (I know that sounds awful, that I was used for bartering for new pussy, but I look at it as he won’t give me away for free, that I have value to him. I doubt if I had no desire to fuck this guy again that MasterDoc would have used me in that way. But the guy had been an excellent fuck and I was interested. Besides, part of the hotness of D/s is feeling like you’re property at least some of the time.)

So the guy came over with a woman friend, someone who looked familiar so I think we’d seen each other at some party or another at some point. Turns out she’s sub as well, so we were two submissive women with two Dominant guys. Interesting dynamic. There was definitely a Dom/sub energy to the foursome, it wasn’t a vanilla foursome. In some respects though, I’m not entirely comfortable with this other guy getting all Domly with me. I don’t know him really, and I’m not as comfortable with him getting rough with me as I am with MasterDoc. Of course, having MasterDoc there was helpful, because he would keep me safe, but I don’t think I managed to convey to MasterDoc the fact that I was feeling a bit uncomfortable with this guy. For sex, I’m hot for this guy, for power exchange, I’m not at a point where I’m comfortable yet. Besides, I have a Dom and I like that my submission is given specifically to him, not to anyone who demands it.

At any rate, despite a little uncomfortableness, I did have a really good time. This guy is great at getting me off with his fingers and he soon had me begging MasterDoc for permission to come. I came really hard as he fingered me deeply and got at my g-spot. (I think he was trying to make me squirt like I had the previous time with him, but I don’t think I ended up squirting all evening. It’s been a while since I squirted.) Attention shifted back and forth from me to the other woman and they had me join in and go down on her for a while. A lot was going on at once, with me going down on the other guy and MasterDoc dripping hot wax on the other woman’s body. At one point, they took turns fucking her up the ass, with MasterDoc fucking her ass without ever having fucked her pussy. I liked that she was a dirty slut like I am. *grin*

The other guy fucked me for a bit, and he pounded me hard and fast. It seemed like half the night was spent with me begging to be allowed to come. MasterDoc was generous and I had lots of lovely orgasms over the course of the evening. I mean, I actually got fairly worn out. And we all know how difficult that can be to achieve.

The other woman had never ridden the sybian before, so she was given a ride. I’m not sure I’ve ever watched another woman ride it in person before, it’s really fun to watch! It’s very hot to see her get absorbed into the feelings coursing through her body. She was told that she had to ask for permission to come and so she asked, but the three of us held off on giving it. (Hey, earlier when asked her opinion of letting me come, she hesitated to say yes. It was payback time.) Finally she was allowed to come, with all three of us watching her get off. It’s really hot to watch someone else get off.

We took a break to have some dinner and afterwards I got put on the sybian. I had expressed how I’d love to have control of the dials for once, and MasterDoc let me take control of them. Of course, I still had to get permission to come, but I could jack the power up when given permission so that I had a full body orgasm. As intense as the other orgasms I had that night were, none were as intense as the one I had on the sybian. Of course, a sybian can’t cuddle you after, so no machine is ever going to make men obsolete. (You also don’t get thrusting with the sybian. Nor domination. Nor intelligent conversation. Gentlemen, I really don’t think you have to worry about a machine.)

I had been well fucked by the time I got to bed that night. I tucked myself in before our guests had even gone since I had work the next day. The guy came in to tell me that it had been good to see me and to give me a kiss. I was a well-orgasmed happy camper. The only thing I would have liked that didn’t happen is that MasterDoc and I didn’t fuck at all this week. Oh well, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

With me complaining about the things I don’t like to do, you may be asking yourself, “Why does she do this submissive thing then?” So perhaps it’s time to talk about the moments that give me a rush, that make me realize that I’m doing something that I want to do.

Such as when I manage to think ahead, and anticipate MasterDoc’s needs and he’s pleased with that (I put a towel out for his bath last week before he even thought to ask for one), I feel good. I really enjoy making him happy.

When I can turn something I don’t like into something more tolerable because I think that he would be proud of me, or that in a way I’m doing it for him. An example of this is exercise. I HATE exercise. I’m out of shape and exercise is hard. But since we’re on this diet together I’m making a concerted effort to exercise regularly. Part of my issue with exercise is that I’m embarrassed to have others see me exercise because I feel self-conscious about being out of shape. I even feel self-conscious around Davey. (Odd I know because I don’t feel self-conscious about, say, farting around him.) So when I was exercising the other day and Davey came home, and I felt the humiliation of exercising in front of someone, I tried to turn it into the sort of humiliation that’s a turn on. Sometimes when MasterDoc makes me do something that’s difficult or embarrassing I get a rush because it really takes all my strength to submit to what he’s asked of me. Or sometimes when he scolds me I feel young and vulnerable and some how it feels good. And so I did my best to feel that odd little bit of joy come out of the humiliation of exercising in front of someone. When I do exercise I can’t wait to tell him I’ve done it so he can be proud of me. And if I slack off I feel bad that I’ve let him down.

Which brings me to the point that part of why I do all I do (for him specifically) is that he has never, not once, asked me to do something harmful. In fact, the things he has me do are frequently beneficial (diet, exercise, being more self-disciplined about housework – or on the other end of beneficial they feel good sexually and get me off). He watches out for me, wants to know about my state of mental health and does all he can to take care of me. Now, granted, I’m a capable adult woman so there’s plenty I can and do do for myself, but it’s nice to have someone specifically try to watch out for you and help you through your problems (which, granted, can be part of vanilla relationships too.)

And of course, there’s the big reason I let him tell me what to do – it frequently gets me wet. And hot. Giving control over to him turns me on. Having him tell me what to do in bed and how to do it is hot. Having him spank me and torment me is delicious. Having him fuck me and use my body and control my arousal and release of pleasure is hot. When he puts me on the horsey (sybian) and gets me to the edge and controls me sexually I get so freakin turned on I can’t even describe it. And when he gives me permission to come and I orgasm earth-shatteringly hard until I’m screaming and gasping for air and I can’t focus on anything but the feelings racing through my body – that’s just wonderful.

And those are the reasons why I submit.

MasterDoc posted part of my last post on the conversation boards on collarme. He selected just part of it in order to stir up conversation, and he’s been quite successful. lol I didn’t think about how controversial what I said about “the submissive lie” would be. After all, this blog is just a place for me to air my opinions and is read by very few people. Although the way I presented it was as if I was speaking for all subs, the fact remains that clearly the opinions posted on here are simply mine. I can’t speak for all subs any more than I can speak for all women, or all librarians. (Some librarians derive pleasure from helping each and every person who comes their way with a reference question, some of us get annoyed with the occasional idiots who come up to the ref desk.)

I found some of the subs who decried “but I do get turned on by everything master makes me do!” to be implying that one can’t be a “twue” “weal” sub without it. I disagree. It’s great that that works in that way for them and I believe that for some people that’s honestly how they experience submission. I do derive some pleasure from helping MasterDoc, but ultimately I’m a submissive because I submit, not because I always like what I’m submitting to. When I have the collar on I don’t whine or complain, I just do what I’m told. Submission isn’t always easy. It’s not always about getting off (if only it was!). Just because I don’t enjoy some parts of submission (keep in mind I LOVE many parts of submission) doesn’t make me any less of a sub than someone who gets pleasure out of every second of it. In fact, I think it’s a greater accomplishment to submit when you’re not directly deriving pleasure from it, but you do it because you’ve agreed to give power over to the other person in your relationship.

And that’s just my 2 cents for the day. Other subs’ mileage may vary.

Not much to report this weekend. I spent much of the time at MasterDoc’s, supposedly helping him out as his back was bothering him but I got too intoxicated on something yesterday to be of much help. (Oops. Didn’t realize I was getting there til it was way too late. Spent a few hours being pretty much useless and loopy.) Today I helped him out with housework before I left so I did end up being of some assistance.

Which brings me to what I’ve been thinking of as the “submissive lie.” The submissive lie is that subs get off on doing whatever their Dom/me tells them to, just because he/she tells them to do it. The idea that I’d be overjoyed to pick up MasterDoc’s dirty laundry because I’m sub. Now in some respects I do enjoy helping him, and I was glad to help him out when he’s not feeling well. But do I like doing housework? Never. Do I get horny from being told to take out his trash? No. It’s a big fat lie that submissives just LOVE doing whatever you tell them to. (Particularly bedroom submissives like myself.)

Of course, the point is that I don’t have to love these things, I just have to do them. But I do find this to be the hardest part of being sub. I’m a woman of the 21st century (and a staunch feminist), I’m used to equality in my relationships but a Dom/sub relationship is NOT equal. So I have to find a way to reconcile the parts of power inequity that I love (being used sexually however he would like or to get naked and be spanked) versus the parts of power inequity I hate (being told to go put away the dishes from the dishwasher while he relaxes on the couch). Or the parts of power inequity I don’t love but don’t mind, like getting him a drink of water when he wants it.

While it’s work to play with his ass while he jerks off, I enjoy getting him hot and bothered. It’s sexy and so even though I’m not being fondled at the same time, it’s still hot. Unfortunately something like gathering laundry doesn’t have any immediate rewards. I hate doing it for myself, why would I love doing it for someone else? (Although he did spank me and let me get myself off with the hitachi magic wand in front of him this afternoon amidst the housework. THAT was fun. And he did allow me to get intoxicated the day before, although neither of us had any idea I’d end up as loopy as I did.)

I shouldn’t complain through this entire entry, as I did have a good time most of the time and I love spending time with him. I’m happy when I’m around him. I just have a hard time with this one part of submission. I’m not sure it will ever get any easier.

I’ve heard through the grapevine that my friend was a bit disturbed when MasterDoc slapped my face at that party last week. I don’t know if she said anything, or if S. was just relating the look on her face. It’s funny, I’m so used to him slapping me now as part of our sex life that I don’t realize how it can startle people. Although startling a jaded crowd is kinda why he did it last week. I remember the first time he did it though, it was the first time he dommed me in front of an audience. I felt like I had been a bad girl and I didn’t understand why he was slapping me. He did it just once that day, and he gently stroked my face and said, “Just once.” as I gave him a hurt look afterward.

The funny thing is, soon, I was loving it when he’d slap me. I think with anyone in the past I would have been worried they’d leave marks on my face, but I trust that MasterDoc can hit me hard enough to sting, but not so hard that I’m marked. When we’re in the middle of fucking it can be so hot to have him slap me on the face a few times. It’s something I didn’t know I was into until I met him. It’s abrupt, harsh and so carefully controlled. He would never strike me in uncontrolled anger, and perhaps it’s being able to trust that that lets me give in and let him slap me whenever he wants without feeling the slightest bit unsafe. He’s always perfectly in control when he does it. And I like that. I definitely like my sex rough.

So the depression is getting much better. Still feeling a little moody but keeping it together for the most part. Yesterday I was feeling a bit moody over missing out on my usual Friday with MasterDoc, but one of his other ladies had had surgery so of course she needed his attention more than I did. (She’s doing well and going home from his place today.) But I lucked out and while she recovered at his place, he and I went out last night.

The evening started out with me feeling a little moody and MasterDoc feeling frustrated as he had had a frustrating day. But the wonderful thing is, after spending a little time together, both of our moods improved greatly. We met up with S. at a hotel party that she had gone to the night before (It was a two night party around a gaming, etc. convention. Lots of geeky goodness.) And it was much more friendly than going to a club. Everyone went around the room introducing themselves. MasterDoc spoke for me as I was wearing my collar. (He spoke for S. too but she was free to decide who she wanted to play with that night.) We ate dinner, socialized and hung out. My friend from a few weeks ago was there as well.

I was tired because I had worked during the day, but I was quite content to snuggle up to MasterDoc while we socialized. The party had a best butt competition (one for the ladies, one for the men) and I dropped trou for the judge. Later, they announced the top three for each, and I won first place for the ladies! Whoo hoo. I got a keychain that said “1st place, 2008″ and the keychain looked like a laptop and opened up to say “best butt” …etc inside. (I left it in MasterDoc’s toy bag so I don’t have it to refer to just now.) Now I don’t usually think of my butt as all that great, but this was the land of the BBW so I was definitely in the running. (I’m chubby, not a BBW really but tall and a big girl. I’m not thin or petite in any universe.) For a picture of my butt you can go here and here. Obviously had this been a party full of hot skinny babes there’s no way I would have won best butt. But I’ll take my victories where I can.

MasterDoc decided to set me up in one of the bedrooms so he could use the wax my friend brought along. Unfortunately it turned out to truly be low-melt wax – i.e., it wasn’t hot at all. It was an interesting sensation but even when MasterDoc poured it on that sensitive area where my hip meets my thigh he couldn’t get a rise out of me. He got more of a reaction from pouring it on S. who was laying on the bed next to me. He had both of us go down on him and he spanked us both. He played with S. with the hitachi magic wand for a bit and I amused myself with the little vibrator from his toy bag. There was a nice crowd around, and some play going on in the next bed as well.

He had me suck his cock while S. played with herself with the wand, keeping herself on the edge. (Earlier, MasterDoc demonstrated to someone how he can just touch S. on the side of her face and say, “Come” and she comes. Instantly. It’s quite something to watch.) He asked me if I’m ready to be fucked and of course I said, “Yes Sir.” I asked if he’d be willing to spank me a bit, as I wasn’t that wet and a spanking would help move me along. He’s very good to me and did give me a nice spanking to help get things going. Then he fucked me from behind on the edge of the bed. He had some guys come over and grope my breasts while he fucked me, and one used the little vibrator on my clit. I got close to coming and said, “Please Sir, may I come?” He gave permission and I came hard. He stopped fucking me and fingered me til I was screaming and moaning. Afterward, the woman in the next bed said that she thought it was so hot how I asked for permission to come. I lay down, and MasterDoc put a condom over the head of the hitachi wand and used it on me for a while – again making me come and come. I was a very happy (and very tired) girl. The lady in the next bed had always wanted to use the magic wand, so MasterDoc changed the condom on it (always good about safer sex!) and used it on her to give her a taste. I went and got us water.

We packed up and headed home after that. MasterDoc slept at my place in the spare room since his lady friend was recovering in his bed at home. We got in some cuddles before he shooed me off to bed. I went into bed and Davey woke up and somehow we began kissing and fooling around and soon we were having sex. It was a good night.

I got up to use the bathroom this morning and MasterDoc was getting ready to go. We got in a quick hug and kiss and he commented on how he heard me and Davey going at it the night before. hee hee. I lead such an interesting life. I’m so glad all my relationships are out in the open. I’d hate to be sneaking around behind anyone’s back.

Of course, after my last entry I ended up with a bunch of very nice people worried about me. I’m lucky to have a lot of wonderful friends who care about me very much. The only problem is that when I’m severely depressed I get really good at convincing myself that either people don’t care or that I’d be bothering them with my problems. Yeah, I know that’s a bit silly but that’s what it is. I got scolded by MasterDoc for not calling him when I was in crisis. I’m not used to having someone look out for me. I mean, Davey does, but I even shut him out when I’m depressed. When I was younger I always dealt with it alone, so I just fall into that pattern of withdrawal. I need to make an effort in the future to not shut everybody out.

I’m feeling better, although not 100% by any means. I haven’t taken any more days off work. I spent some time with MasterDoc over the weekend and he was very kind to me – letting me have a lot of orgasms. And despite how up and down my mood was that day, I felt really horny that night. Man was I hot for him. Rowr. That lifted my mood for a bit but then it’s been up and down since. Tonight Davey and I are going out to dinner, which is one of our favorite things to do, so hopefully that will make the evening enjoyable.

While MasterDoc and I were hanging out, he joked, if you’re going to commit suicide then you need to tell me first so we can go do all those unsafe sex things with you we wouldn’t do now. I mean, if you’re going to kill yourself anyway….

And I replied: “This is supposed to stop me from wanting to commit suicide?”

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So how about this whole scandal with Eliot Spitzer? I’m kinda fascinated with all the hubub. I kinda look the whole husband-going-to-a-prostitute thing as more proof that monogamy doesn’t work. On a local paper’s website some people were commenting (all completely scandalized of course) that he has a beautiful wife so why would he cheat? Um, let’s see, new pussy is exciting. Being able to pay for a hooker who costs that much is exciting. Human beings are sexual creatures and our desires do not all fall into neat little missionary-position-monogamy-based boxes. Maybe the hookers would do things with him that his wife wouldn’t do. The unfortunate thing is that he got caught and has been exposed. I wonder how many other politicians have done the same exact thing only they haven’t gotten caught.

Yes, what he did is illegal. And thus he shouldn’t have done it. I won’t get into how I think prostitution should be legalized (and would be far more women-friendly and supportive if it was legal and regulated), I can’t argue with the fact that the man broke what is the law in this country and will now pay consequences. He made a sucky decision and got caught. Now he’ll have to deal with the fallout.

The one thing that does bother me about the whole thing (besides the annoying moral righteousness of so many) is that he is said to have pursued unsafe sex with prostitutes. Ok, dude, I can understand wanting new and interesting pussy, but to put your health and the health of your wife at risk is just WRONG. Slap a condom on that thing. Heck, you can do what you want with your own health, but I’m assuming that he and his wife are fluid-bonded and to put her at risk is unconscionable. That’s the thing that would have pissed me off if I was his wife.

But then we know that I’m not your typical girl.

I’m having a rough week. Friday night triggered memories of the assault in me and so I’ve been dwelling on it. It doesn’t help that at the end of this month marks three years since it happened, and this is a notable anniversary because after this I can’t report it to police. Time will have run out. In a way, it will be a relief, because then I can stop berating myself about how I should watch out for other women and report this man, all the while knowing that my own sanity is what I really need to watch out for. Reporting him would probably yield nothing and I’d be left feeling even more angry and frustrated than I do now.

Then with all my dwelling it dawned on me that next month marks 10 years since I was raped. What a banner year of anniversaries, eh?

To top all this off I don’t think my lowered dose of prozac is agreeing with me. I’m terribly depressed, even having thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation. I took a sick day today to call my shrink and see if I can sort things out. Mostly I’ve just slept the morning away but I did talk to my psychiatrist and I’m going to be back on the higher dose for the time being (after I’m feeling stable again, then we’ll try one day on higher, one day on lower, as an attempt to put my blood levels at some point in between the higher and lower doses).

I’m feeling angry and resentful that the sexual traumas in my life still affect me. I feel that they’ve left me emotionally and permanently disabled. I resent the fact that my relationships with decent men in my life can be touched by the assaults at unexpected times. (Triggers have occurred with Davey, and others, so it’s not just the nature of the play MasterDoc and I engage in. Really, anything can trigger it. There are times when I’m in public and I freeze inside because I’ve seen a man around the same age, build and hair color of the guy who assaulted me with a speculum.)

The problem with when I’m this depressed is that I withdraw and I don’t talk about what’s going on. I’m happily surprised that I took it upon myself to call my psychiatrist. I’m dismayed that I took a sick day because that means it’s really bad. I’m now going to spend the rest of the day reining in thoughts of suicide and hurting myself and just escape into playing The Sims2. And I hope that taking a higher dose of medication today will help lift my mood somewhat.

I saw MasterDoc on Friday as usual. In the morning we had a guest, a young man, 24, who looked younger than even his 24 years. I didn’t realize that being only 35 would give me the perspective that people in their early 20’s are really, really young. lol

MasterDoc demonstrated domming me, warning me that perhaps this would be the day when he made me cry. Later he mentioned feeling a desire to beat me until I cried to freak the young man out. Somehow, my pain tolerance was up, and I managed to take the beating without breaking down and asking him to stop. I’m not even sure what implements he used on me, he used a variety of impact implements on my backside. We were both surprised that I didn’t bruise from all this.

He had me play with my clit for a while, getting myself to the edge. I successfully got there and managed to stay there. He told me he wanted me to come as soon as he put his cock into me, and to be ready. He fucked me and told me to come right away. It took a second, but then I came. I continued to come and eventually my muscles pushed his cock out. He had me flip over and he spanked me some more. He invited the young man to come closer and play with my breasts as he fucked me from behind. He had me reach out and stroke the man’s cock. I came some more and lay down to rest. I stroked the young man some more, but he was having trouble getting hard. MasterDoc had me suck his (MasterDoc’s) cock while the guy got his dick hard. Then, I lay down on the floor and stroked the guy until he came all over my chest. MasterDoc had me rub the guy’s cock on my wet breast, then rub the come in. I think we made that guys day. lol He had me go shower off.

We spent some time hanging out after the guy left, then MasterDoc headed out to the store. That evening’s plans were to be a threesome with a woman who MasterDoc has been trying to meet for a few weeks now. (Either joining S. and him, or me and him.) Yet again she didn’t show. *sigh* We had a delicious dinner prepared by MasterDoc’s roomate, Liz, and even tried calling friends (Davey, and others) to see if someone could join us as we had an extra serving of everything. (The crostini was divine, the cornish game hen moist and delectable, and the chocolate mousse sweet and frothy. I often say that sex is my preferred vice, but food is the other one.)

After, we hung out and digested a while (watching some Coupling in the meantime). Then MasterDoc decided that he and I should go play in the bedroom before bedtime. He decided that we’ve been doing too much vanilla lately, and so he tied me down to the bed. He blindfolded me and tortured me with ice cubes and hot wax. But the problem was, I wasn’t in a submissive mood. And my pain tolerance had gone way down since the morning. The wax felt extra hot and the ice cube extra cold. I was miserable. I was tempted to say it was too much but then figured he’d take that as a complaint and decide to give it to me more. Eventually he took mercy on my sad face and untied me and cuddled me. This was the first time I ever felt unhappy after a scene with MasterDoc. I felt distant from him and like I had no way of getting him to stop. We fucked after that, and while it felt good, I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind. We went to sleep. We cuddled in the morning, but I still felt upset with how the scene had gone the night before. I brooded on it until this afternoon when I gave MasterDoc a call to talk about it. Not only did I feel like I had no control (but not in the good, kinky way) he also teased me with the idea of asphyxiation while I was tied down. Asphyxiation freaks the shit out of me. I mean, I’m really scared of it. And being choked until you pass out just sounds like a bad idea to me. To each his own but it’s just not my kink, there’s too much risk in my mind.

I’m telling you all this to illustrate that occasionally, things don’t click and aren’t perfect. While I’ve felt really in tune with MasterDoc and thrilled to submit to him many times, sometimes it just doesn’t work that way. Human beings aren’t perfect and aren’t always in tune with each other. He was glad that I called him to talk about it, as that was definitely the right thing to do. And I feel better having told him how I feel. Friday night really pushed the limits of my submission. I suppose it was inevitable that we’d get to some point where the playing got tougher. After we played on Friday night, MasterDoc made a point of telling me that if I need things to stop that I need to beg for mercy. We’ve never discussed safewords before this and quite honestly we didn’t really need them before this, but Friday night was a night where a safeword would have been handy. I really wanted it to stop and wasn’t sure how to make it stop. Now I know better for next time.

I never expected to submit to MasterDoc as deeply as I sometimes do. The fact that I lay there and took what felt like utter torture without saying a word (except some cries of pain, which I couldn’t really control) indicates how far I will go to try to please him. Sometimes it’s a bit scary how much control I let him have over me. In some respects it’s not like it’s that much – my day to day life is my own (except if I want to have sex with someone new, or in the matter of my dieting and exercising). But to date I’ve really just been a bedroom submissive who played with occasional partners so this is a new experience for me. No one said being a submissive was going to be easy.