Feminism and submission. I’ve talked about these two things before and I’m sure combined it’s a topic I’ll visit time and time again. I struggle with it, but not in the way that I find the two mutually exclusive. I don’t and I am comfortable with the fact that I’m a submissive feminist. However, I do wonder about how to explain this to the world. While I feel comfortable with both aspects of my personality, I don’t know how to explain why I’m comfortable.
As a feminist, I believe that women are equal to men. I believe that women should have the right to embrace their sexuality in whatever form it comes. But what happens when your sexuality isn’t politically correct? How can I say that women are equal to men when I choose to submit to a man? I think the answer lies in the fact that I’ve made choices. I’ve freely made decisions that work for me. I get totally hot submitting. I’m wired in such a way that kink turns me on. Ultimately, I don’t feel that my submission is about gender inequality – particularly since as a bisexual woman I’d gladly submit to a woman instead of a man if that’s who I ended up being with. I don’t feel that men are superior to me. I don’t submit due to any notion of their being superior. I submit because it gets me off. I submit because I feel comfortable and free being a submissive.
And as a feminist, isn’t it important that I stay true to my sexual expression? Being a Domme doesn’t turn me on. Being equal doesn’t turn me on (not like being submissive does). Being told what to do gets me hot. Giving up control is a choice I make. I have the luxury of making this a choice in my life because I live in a country where women are essentially free. (Oh sexism still runs rampant and affects women very deeply. I can see that clearly. I’ve seen it in my own life in various forms.) I continue to be a feminist and fight for the right of women to choose not to be submissive because the choice should be there, but why can’t I choose to be submissive? This post was inspired by a call for submissions for the Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy over at Labyrinth Walk. There, Meghan Rose asks, “Do we have a responsibility to all women through our sexual choices, or only to ourselves?” and therein lies my quandary. As a feminist, do I have responsibility to always exercise autonomy over my sexuality? It sounds contradictory, but in my submission I AM exercising my autonomy. Consensual power exchange makes me happy. I see the strength in submission. Subjugating your wants to serve people you care about is ultimately a part of life for most people, regardless of their sexual orientation. To be a parent you have to submit to the needs of your children. There’s strength in forgetting your wants and serving others – being selfish is far easier. I am a strong, intelligent, independent woman and choosing to submit requires the use of my strength and intelligence. I’m exercising my independence by choosing to submit in certain areas of my life.
Do I worry that being sub would be a bad example for young women? Considering the fact that I don’t exhibit signs of being a sub in public other than at play parties I don’t see that to be an issue. I’m not a 24/7 submissive, but some of the traits I exhibit while being submissive – being caring, thoughtful, of service and somewhat selfless (I say somewhat because being submissive is ultimately a selfish act for me as I get off on it.) are all traits I’d like to see instilled in any young person – male or female. Being a sub doesn’t mean you’re a doormat. Being Dom doesn’t mean being a selfish prick. A Dom and sub can be examples of how to be a decent person even within their roles. A good Dom/me takes care of their submissive and watches out for their well being, providing support and advice when needed. A good sub watches out for their Dom in subtle ways, making sure to do things just as the Dom likes and anticipating their needs. As in any relationship, both play their part to make the relationship mutually satisfying to both involved. Even within the equal relationship I have with Davey, I submit in little ways because I care about him. I make sure to do my half of the chores. I compromise to strengthen the relationship and make him happy (thereby making me happy in the process). We all make sacrifices for the people we care about, be they in a romantic/sexual relationship or a family/friendship one.
Being a sub doesn’t mean I’m a lesser human being. It just means I get off on pretending I’m lesser and giving over control to another person. I can still be a feminist and get horny being a sub.
And can you be a feminist dom. I certainly think so. FOr me the difference betweena dom and a patriarcical asshole is that a dom recognizes that being sub or dom(me) is NOT a sex-linked trait; that for women to be dommes is just as “natural” as men being doms.
One final point though. On a theoretical basis I wonder about this:
Being a sub doesn’t mean I’m a lesser human being. It just means I get off on pretending I’m lesser and giving over control to another person. I can still be a feminist and get horny being a sub.
I really don’t think that “pretending” should be the key component. WITHIN a D/S relationship, though nowhere else, a submissive should feel, at least to some extent and in some manner, that she IS a “lesser human being”. If it is TOTALLY about pretending then that sub has the wrong dom.
Well as we discussed elsewhere, the words “lesser” and “pretending” were perhaps unfortunate choices for words.
really really well reasoned and expressed.
it would be counter-feminist to refrain from submission “because you are a woman” … the point is to be able to choose what you want and love, what gives you fulfillment and makes you whole… whether that is choosing to be a corporate executive, a construction worker, a stay-at-home parent, a Domme, a submissive, non-kinky, polyamorous, monogamous, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, etc. bravo
Well, I’m outing myself here, in a way. I haven’t absolutely hidden this part of me but neither have I chatted about it.
I spent some years as a submissive. I left that “life” for reasons not particularly relevant to this discussion. I found, as you do, that submmission actually makes you stronger. This is especially true if you are a “total submissive”, a person who gives all decisions to the Dom, does not use safe words but instead simply trusts. To me the use of safe words indicates a lack of trust. A good Dom will be sensitive to his sub’s needs and thresholds and will not do what will actually harm her (or him), psychologically.
I found that when I went to work after a night of submission I felt a glow of strength. In fact, it was my ability to submit that led to my breaking free of a life of fear of heights.
I believe, in fact, it takes a strong person to be a submissive. Doms, as a rule, are not interested in doormats. Where’s the challenge?
And for me, too, submission gets me hot. What can I say? It all works together and I do not see submission and feminism in any way as incompatible.
There is one other aspect of this type relationship that I really craved, needed, loved. That was the simply honesty of it. I always knew where I was. No bizarre manipulation, no reading between the lines.
hi libesgirl … i saw this similar blog entry and wanted to share… im not plugging for this other woman’s blog, just read it recently and it totally reminded me of what you wrote in this entry, so wanted to share w you even if you don’t post it
http://essinem.blogspot.com/2007/10/being-feminist-in-sex-industry.html
-John (hesitant.adventurous)