Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I got to spend Monday evening with MasterDoc. It was an evening in, but as you can imagine our idea of an evening in is quite different than others’.

MasterDoc is currently without cable and internet (soon to be rectified). Without television to watch or the internet to surf we had to come up with our own fun. After dinner and a shower and letting MasterDoc nap (during which I cleaned of my own free will… what is happening to me? lol I even took the garbage out.) I got a text message, “Come suck my cock, woman.” It was MasterDoc texting from the other room.

My collar was in the trunk of MasterDoc’s car and rather than go get it, we put on an imaginary collar. I was in the right mindset, so it worked pretty well to imagine one. He had me set up porn on the dvd player and his laptop. He was determined that I find something in his collection of porn that I hadn’t seen before, unfortunately I’ve seen a lot of it. So I kept having to go back and select another dvd. I was getting tired of doing this so when he asked if I had seen a particular dvd before I said, “No,” or “I don’t think so.” Immediately after, he said, “Really, or are you just saying that so you don’t have to go get another dvd?” And of course I admitted that was the case. He wasn’t happy that I had lied to him. I hadn’t even thought about it being a lie, I just thought of it as “I’m tired, let me just say what will get this dvd fetching to stop. I don’t care if it’s a dvd I haven’t seen before.” It was a little white lie but he was pretty unhappy that I would lie to him at all while wearing the collar. I apologized and decided to keep myself in check next time. I hadn’t meant anything bad by it, but he’s right, I shouldn’t be lying to him.

He had me suck his cock a bit and then he got ready to fuck me. Unfortunately the lube was in his car as well, so it came down to me having to provide enough lubrication myself. No pressure (she said sarcastically). He had me play with myself and he’d ask if I’m wet yet, and I was so anxious about whether I’d be able to get wet or not that I wasn’t focused on sexy thoughts and getting myself wet. It’s really hard to get wet on command. I just get stressed out about doing it and it doesn’t happen and then of course I get more stressed because I’m supposed to be wet and I’m not. The whole thing causes a lot of anxiety in me. Thankfully, as I tried rubbing my clit to generate wetness, MasterDoc started to flick my nipples and slap my face and thighs – in other words he got rough with me, and then I managed to get wet.

He had me get on my hands and knees and he fucked me from behind, the porn still playing on the tv and computer. Soon I was begging to come. He held off a little bit and reminded me that I needed to be quiet when I came (easier said than done). He told me to come and I did, and of course I forgot myself and got noisy. I quieted down when he stopped thrusting and reminded me that he had said to be quiet. Oops. He fucked me for a while, and pretty hard too.

We took a break and I sucked his cock for a bit, then he decided to fuck me again. This time I was on my back. Luckily, I was still wet from before. I tried to keep my eyes open a bit, I always close my eyes while having sex. It can be wonderful to make eye contact during sex but as soon as I get into it my eyes just close. I focus on what I’m feeling. I don’t know if I’m capable of orgasming with my eyes open. I think I can open them mid-orgasm for a few seconds but that’s about it.

It was getting late, but of course I hadn’t yet gotten MasterDoc off. He had me play with his ass while he stroked himself, and I harbored a secret wish for him to come in my mouth (something he’s never done before). He came to orgasm with my help and I honestly did enjoy watching (and participating). My secret wish came partially true when he had me lick off the come that was on the head of his cock. Then he told me to put my tongue out and he rubbed his cummy hand across my tongue.

I don’t think I’ve adequately described how hot this evening was. Sometimes adequate words escape me.

I had a lovely night out with MasterDoc last night. We went to one of our regular swing clubs. Very few people were there when we got there, in fact we ended up chatting with the only couple there. Turns out they remember us from the party two weeks ago at the other club, the BDSM/swing party. They had seen him flog me while on the St. Andrews cross and later saw us fucking in the exhibition room. The point came up that it’s possible we scare potential couples off with the BDSM part of our playing. I had never thought of that. You know, the thought that not everyone thinks a flogging is hot never entered my mind. How funny is that. I mean, it’s a naked woman, how bad can it be? But the thought processes of a non-kinky person are such that they think, “That poor woman.” They don’t realize that despite the yelps of pain I’m enjoying myself. They don’t know that MasterDoc can relate to women in other ways other than beating them. (He’s a sweetie. Really he is. He’s a delicious mix of sweet and sadistic.) I’m so used to my lifestyle that it doesn’t occur to me that others aren’t into it. Maybe I spend too much time on Fetlife and CollarMe. lol To me BDSM and sex go hand in hand. Sex is so much more enhanced with BDSM involved.

We wandered around a bit and discovered that one of the rooms had a bed replaced with a spanking bench. And it’s a darn nice one. MasterDoc was so excited he had to go tell the owner he’s pleased. There’s also a small stocks in there, where you kneel on the pad and put your head and wrists in the stocks. Looks dreadfully uncomfortable. I kept going back and forth between a desire to try it and a thought of, “What are you crazy?” (But I think we know I’m a little crazy.) He spanked me on the bench a little bit, tried to see if he could fuck me from that angle, but I was too high up. As usual I’m too tall. But it was still hot as he pressed his clothed pelvis up against me, somewhat dry humping me. Rowr. I was really turned on last night.

I sucked his cock for a while and really got into it. I like when I get into it because I seem to do a better job, plus being into it is just more fun. I managed to keep it wet with my saliva and sucked gently but consistently. From the sounds that came out of MasterDoc’s mouth I think I was doing a fairly good job. (He’s been training me in what he likes for nearly a year now. Can you believe it, nearly a year.) After that, we wandered around a bit, checking out the couples who had arrived. No one seemed interested in playing with us. *pout* But of course MasterDoc decided that we would simply have to make our own fun.

We went back to the room with the spanking bench and again lay on the bed. I sucked his cock some more and then he took the crop to my ass a bit. As he was doing this, the owner came in to turn up the air conditioning and he pointed out that there’s a cane sitting on the table next to the bed. Oh my. I had never been caned before. At first MasterDoc says, “What are you crazy, she can’t take that,” but soon he’s curious, and I’m curious. And I’m premenstrual so as usual my pain tolerance is up. He swats me very gently at first and it feels lovely. Then he gets a little harder and it starts to hurt, but I still like it. The fact is though, he couldn’t get terribly hard swats from the angle he was in. I would be in serious trouble if he could get a good swing going.

He had me play with myself as I lay on my stomach and he swatted my ass. I was sopping wet from the spanking earlier, and the blow job and the spanking that was going on at that point. He decided to fuck me. As the English would say I was gagging for it. (That’s the best expression I know to explain how I felt. lol If you’re not familiar with it I’m not sure I can translate it into American with the same affect.) He had me put my ass up on a pillow and he made me beg to be fucked, loudly enough so others could hear. He fucked me and very quickly I felt like I was going to be able to come. I was so revved up and so horny and so into everything that was going on. I begged to be able to come but he held off a bit. I rode the edge like I’ve been training myself to do. So when he finally told me to come I came right away. I started squrting a fucking river, all over the pillow and sheet, he pulled out and the fluids just poured out of my cunt. He fingered me a bit and I screamed in pleasure the whole time. Why people didn’t come running to see the show, I’ll never know. Very hot. Their loss.

Shortly after, we ended up fucking again. This time, without my getting to the point where I ask permission to come he tells me at one point, “Come,” and instantly I do. Again I squirt a bit. This time, he wasn’t as prepared as he was the first time. You see, he has to make sure he’s thrust well in me when he allows me to come, otherwise my internal muscles push him out. This time no sooner had he said, “Come,” than he thought, “Oh no, the auto-eject!” Again he fingered me and god did I come and come. I mean, we usually have hot sex but last night was just exceptionally hot. I love how I react to his voice now and come on command. What an accomplishment! Someday I hope to be like S. and come just from the command, no stimulation. (So often she says I’m her slutty role model, but in this one thing she’s mine.)

We cuddled a bit (and talked a little about my negative blog entry from two days ago, but let’s not bring down the tone of this one. Let me just say that he’s really there for me and I really feel that he will always do his best to take care of me.). We were getting dressed when a couple came in and were pondering what the spanking bench was. We gleefully offered a demonstration and they watched, wide-eyed. This was fairly new to them although the guy had briefly dated a Dominatrix at some point. We ended up staying longer to talk to the couple, who were rather drunk I must say, but we had a nice time talking. The guy invited us back to their place but it was so so late at that point. Instead MasterDoc gave him his number and we suggested getting together Monday night since I might be seeing MasterDoc that night. (Now let’s just hope my period holds out til after!)

What a fucking hot night. *grin*

I’m a happy girl. I got to spend a couple of unexpected hours with MasterDoc yesterday and I’m going to see him tonight. I feel lucky! We’re planning on going out tonight so hopefully there will be tales to tell. Yesterday we mainly cuddled and reconnected – might not make for exciting blogging but it was so needed. I sucked his cock a few times as well, from a soft state until it was nice and hard. It’s interesting how I can bury my face in his crotch when he’s soft but I gag on him when he’s hard. I have a terrible gag reflex. I’m constantly triggering it during fellatio. I end up with watery eyes and the sniffles from gagging myself. But it’s all in good fun and I’m working on improving it. I get a sense of satisfaction when I can manage to deep throat. And I think there’s something hot about gagging on his cock. Just wish I didn’t get the sniffles, most unsexy.

Continuing on with the theme of facing the negative side of sex head on, I’m inspired today to write about a discussion I’ve had via email on Collar Me with another sub. We got on the topic of the assault I suffered about three years ago. (She’s unfortunately been through something similar.)

For those of you who haven’t read my old blog, or read far back on this blog, I was sexually assaulted at a play party by the party host. For the first time ever he decided to play with me, and he decided to use a speculum as a sex toy. I wasn’t comfortable with that but in the spirit of trying new things I figured if I didn’t like it I could just ask him to stop. After all, that had always seemed like the un-transgressed rule of the parties – no means no. So he put it in and it hurt. And I told him, “That hurts, take it out.” He not only ignored my request, but when someone else reiterated what I said he shook his head no and shifted the speculum inside me, which only served to jab me further. I started to panic, looked at a friend I had there that night for help, unfortunately said friend was otherwise engaged and I panicked further. I decided that this was going to stop right then and there and shouted out my request for everyone to hear. That stopped the guy in his tracks. After he removed the speculum, I slapped his arm (not as hard as I should have) and ran off to the bathroom where I burst into tears. It was a very traumatic incident for me, which wasn’t made any better by people that night wanting me to “make up” with him and hug him (the LAST thing I wanted to do) and then later making excuses why it happened. “He was drunk.” Yeah, like that’s a good excuse for ignoring someone’s wishes to stop and traumatizing them. I tried talking to him afterward but he took exception to my calling it assault and insisted it was just an “accident.” Soon, he was doing his best to convince everyone else that I was crazy. Anyway, I stopped going to those parties (Since I called him on his bullshit he told me I was uninvited. I had no intention of going back to his place ever again anyway.) I severed ties with everyone I knew from the parties. And I then spent the better part of two years trying to work through what had happened. I really feel like I should have saved my therapy bills and sent them to him to pay. He owes me that much, the bastard.

I shyed away from sex, and basically had a monogamous life with Davey, despite our being polyamorous in name. Davey, bless his soul, was really patient when I’d be triggered again during sex and have trouble continuing. I dealt with all manner of post traumatic stress. It still crops up from time to time, but I’ve managed to work through much of it and return to my slutty ways. But I have to say I feel really glad that I go to parties with MasterDoc as I trust him to always watch out for me and to always be in control of the situation. I can relax and enjoy myself because I have him there with me. He keeps a keen eye on everything that’s going on.

Anyway, that’s the back story. In my email exchange with this other sub, we got on the topic of experiencing some of the trauma again, but on your own terms this time. For her, it took the form of watching a horrific rape scene from a movie. (I couldn’t bring myself to watch it.) But I’ve thought a few times recently, that perhaps having some sort of scene with MasterDoc using a speculum might be therapeutic in a way. I trust him. He knows me well and would watch out for my well being. And afterwards, I could be cuddled and held by someone who cares very much about me. It would be a very different experience than the assault. It would be a way of re-experiencing it, but on my own terms. Having control of the situation might help take some of the power away from the traumatic experience I had.

I’ve read that rape victims often involve themselves in (play) rape scenes as a way of dealing with what happened to them. Having something happen on your terms can empower you and help you move past what’s happened. Now, I’ve been raped as well but that was 10 years ago and doesn’t have the sting the assault has, probably because it happened in England and the odds of me running into the perpetrator ever again are slim to none. Also, I didn’t have a confrontation with the guy afterwards where he denied what happened. Whereas I run into the online presence of my assaulter all the time (he blogs on a few sex blogs and he’s on FetLife. I go to read new and interesting sex blogs and of course he’s linked on about half of them.) I don’t know that re-experiencing the event on my own terms will completely close the door on my anxieties and bitterness, but it might help take some of the sting away. I’ve spent the past three years trying to lessen the sting. I’m bitter that it seems that it will never completely go away. My entire life changed in one night. I want a heartfelt apology and admission of what was done to me, but that will never happen. So I continue to try to find ways to dampen down the pain.

My old blog was more generally sex-oriented, whereas this one is BDSM oriented mainly. But something I’d like to incorporate from the old blog is education about STIs. I figure if you’re going to talk about sex you need to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I thought this article was fascinating though, and it goes along with my general thinking that STI risks are blown out of proportion as a way to control people’s sexuality. Turns out with HIV that’s actually true. The hysteria of the past 25 years? Overblown in regards to a heterosexual pandemic. Of course, I can understand why it was overblown in the early days, no one knew what this new disease was or how you got it exactly. But with knowledge hasn’t come a backing off of the scaremongering.

At any rate, it’s knowledge like this that confirms my belief in taking calculated risks sexually. Yes I swing, yes I’m a slut, but I use condoms without fail. Condoms are terrific in preventing HIV and hepatitis C. Most of the other diseases are easily curable. That leaves HPV and herpes. With the HPV risk I make sure I get regular pap tests to head off any potential cancer issues. With herpes I just have to accept the risk. Considering people who have it aren’t contagious many more days than they are, I don’t consider it a huge risk even so. Your mileage may vary, but I accept that disease risk is a part of life. I risk disease every day I go work with the public. Doesn’t keep me from going to work. Why would I let it keep me from having sex? Testing is imperfect at best so I don’t rely on it (but do get tested anyway because if something comes up I want to be able to take care of it.)

(On a side note I had to giggle at the name of the doctor cited in the article. Dr. de Cock!? Ok, Beavis and Butthead moment over.)

I miss MasterDoc. I had a chance to see him last night but I knew that Davey was going out of his way to get us dinner, so me up and leaving to visit MD wouldn’t be the nicest thing to do. It had also been a long and tiring day at work and the weather was turning ugly. We have tentative plans for Saturday, when Davey happens to be away, so I’m hoping really hard that that will pan out. It’s been a week now since I’ve seen him, which is typical, but it will be longer than that before I get to see him again.

The past few days I’ve felt like I could really use a good spanking. Who’d have thought that I would miss the sensation, but I do. It feels like something’s missing from my life. The closest I’ve been to subspace was in the dentist’s chair today (root canal, fun) and I zoned out just for a moment, got a little floaty in the head and forgot what was going on. Alas, it only lasted a brief moment and otherwise the whole experience was stressful and not fun – quite unlike a spanking. Dental work also lacks the intimacy of a spanking. *sigh* There’s nothing like knowing MasterDoc is behind me, getting ready to hit me with his hand, or some implement. I love the anticipation of not knowing what he’s going to use, or where he’s going to hit. Is it going to be too hard for me to handle? When will he stop? Will he push me far beyond my limits or just get me going? How wet will all this make me? I find it grounding and exciting at the same time.

Last week was unexpectedly busy so I missed my sanctioned once a week masturbation. I know. I know. Bad girl. I also was crap at getting exercise in (just once). Today I hope to rectify both those things by masturbating and exercising – not at the same time, although THAT would certainly be interesting!

I won’t be seeing much of MasterDoc for a week or two, so I won’t have any new exciting stories to share. But I will endeavor to have some mildly interesting content here nonetheless. I started an entry the other day but it just meandered so I canned it. I might revisit some of it here but we shall see.

Last night I had a good time with Davey. We went out to dinner with a gay coworker of his, and then went bar hopping at gay bars. I haven’t done the fag hag thing in ages and had a good time of it. We all got really drunk. We shocked his coworker with stories of our lives and what we get up to. Hopefully he’s a discreet sort. (Hey, he’s in an open relationship with his boyfriend as well.) He asked at one point if we’ve ever done BDSM and of course I had to say that yes, I have. He guessed I was Dominant, which is pretty funny if you know me well. I get mistaken for a Domme pretty often when the topic comes up. I admitted that no, I’m a submissive and a bit of a masochist. I ended up talking about MasterDoc a little bit.

It was funny when he asked me what it is I see in women. As a gay man he’s just totally not turned on by women, but he took advantage of me being bi to ask about it. It’s hard to say. I like their softness and curves. I like how gently they kiss, it feels different than men. He asked if I was into going down on women, and I had to admit I’m a bit lukewarm about it. I’ve done it, and sometimes enjoyed myself, but mostly I’d rather finger. He talked about how he’s more into rimming than blow jobs and I said I’m the exact opposite. *grin* It was an interesting night.

The train ride home with Davey was interesting – the two of us drunk out of our minds. I brought up the blog topic I had thought about writing about this week – me being a pillow princess. MasterDoc has commented on this (see an earlier blog entry for his comment). Davey in his very honest, open drunk state implied that yes, I can be a pillow princess. lol

So the good question is what’s up with that? It’s not like I don’t enjoy giving others pleasure, I just tend to focus more on my own orgasm. I focus more on receiving sensation than giving it. But since I’ve now been told twice that I’m a little bit selfish I think I’ll focus more on giving. I need to learn to find the pleasure in making someone come. Well actually, I do get the pleasure of that. I think the more involved I am with what’s going on the more of a turn on it is for me. When MasterDoc has had me use the magic wand on his ass while he jerked off, I felt pretty removed from what was going on – until I started licking his chest and I felt much more involved and found the whole situation really hot. When I’m sucking cock I’m into it and enjoying it. I guess I have to focus on how I can keep myself engaged when it’s not my orgasm we’re talking about. Something to work on. So, no, I’m not the sex goddess I make myself out to be. I’ve got some rough edges that need smoothing. I could sit here and analyze my childhood to explain why I’m sorta selfish but I’ll spare you the details. Point is I need to get over it.

It’s hot lately. Literally. It’s been humid and oppressive the past couple of days. Unfortunately swing clubs aren’t always adequately cooled in the summer.

MasterDoc and I went out last night. I was really looking forward to it as it’s the party that combines kink and swinging. (Sings: “These are a few of my favorite things!”) We packed up a bunch of toys and went to the club. Unfortunately, on the way there he remembered the one thing we forgot to pack – my collar. Noooo! I figured I’d be able to get in the mindset anyway, but it’s funny the difference having that piece of leather around my neck makes. We were far enough along that it didn’t make sense to go back, so we did without it for the evening. Made me a little sad though, I like wearing my collar. It really does help me get in the right mindset and when we’re at a kink event I like it being clear that I belong to someone. I’m proud being out and about as his sub.

We popped into a couple of peep show places, trying to get up to no good in the booths, but we were chased out. No fun! We gave up on those and went on to the club.

The club was warm. Between not having my collar and me feeling like a gross, sweaty pig, I had a hard time getting my head in the right space. I felt cranky, and self-conscious. I wanted to enjoy the night (and especially didn’t want to ruin it for MasterDoc since he paid for us to go to this party) so I tried to get past those feelings. It took me a little while though.

After hanging out for a bit, he put me on the cross and started spanking, and flogging me. I already had bruises from the day before and I think they got even more pronounced after the second beating. (MasterDoc doesn’t like putting bruises on top of bruises, and he’s the doctor so I trust his thoughts on this. He hadn’t remembered/realized that I was bruised from the beating on Friday.) I was still in that sweaty, icky state of mind so I didn’t enjoy it as much as I usually do. The flogging with the heavy flogger felt good, but I was so preoccupied with feeling icky. Now, sweaty sex can be cool but I don’t like feeling sweaty and sticky before the sex has even happened, especially if said potential sex could be with new people.

Here’s a photo of my bruises for you all to enjoy:

I had a couple of drinks and we wandered around a bit. We ended up in the open area with all the mattresses on the floor. We fooled around a bit but I was having a hard time still. Things changed when we talked about the idea of staying or going home, and I made a firm decision that I wanted to stay and try to get in the right mindset. I was going to try my best. MasterDoc gave me my bullet vibe and had me play with myself. He sucked on my nipples, drawing one up into his mouth and lifting the breast with the suction. I managed to, finally, get in the right frame of mind.

He decided to do sixty-nine and had me straddle his head. I sucked his cock until it was nice and hard. He played around with putting the bullet vibe in his mouth while going down on me. It was interesting but I couldn’t quite tell what he was doing. Sucking his cock helped get me more in the right mindset… it’s kinda comforting, like having a pacifier. lol It gives me something to focus on – I found it comforting on Friday when we had that guest over. He had me get on top and ride him, and that’s when I really got into the sex. I wish the club wasn’t so loud (loud music) because I was moaning like crazy but who the hell could hear it? I begged him for permission to come and he had me beg louder so people could hear. I said it loudly and he gave me permission and of course I had an orgasm. He got himself firmly inside me just as he gave permission, because my vaginal muscles have that “auto-eject” feature when I come. We relaxed a bit after, by this time being truly sweaty.

I don’t think we played more after that, although we did watch some hot action go on between two hot women. (Although we debated whether the women were paid to be with the guy they were with.) There was some hot girl on girl action to watch, and another woman joined in at one point (her man left sitting on the sidelines, poor guy).

When he decided to head home, another trip to peep show booths was in order. The stores near the swing club are decidedly more relaxed about the whole “one person per booth” rule. We went into a booth and put in a dollar. He had me sit in the seat and go down on him while he pushed the button to get the window shade into the next booth to go up. I could feel the guy from next door try to stroke my ass through the slit in the wall. I think this was the hottest part of the evening though, I felt so naughty blowing him in front of a complete stranger in a peep show booth like that. Then he had me stand up, pull my pants and panties down, and he fingered me while the guy watched. The guy put his dick through the slit in the wall and MasterDoc asked if I wanted to stroke him. I said sure, and really enjoyed the idea of stroking the cock of some totally anonymous guy. I probably made his night. MasterDoc fingered me until I was so close to coming, and then he didn’t let me come. We headed home.

In the morning I did some cleaning after breakfast. He inspected my bruises and took a couple of photos (not the one here, I had Davey take that one). Because of the bruises he decided that we would fuck rather than have any sort of beating today. We went into the living room and put porn on. I sucked his cock until it was hard. Then he had me use my bullet vibe to get myself warmed up for him. When I was ready to be fucked, he took me from behind. I kept playing with the vibe on my clit while he fucked me (turns out he had neglected to tell me to turn it off, but he really had intended me only to use it to get warmed up). I got so hot, and so horny. I desperately wanted to come. I begged to be allowed to come. I pleaded. I rode the edge for so long. But no luck. I had forgotten to thank him for my orgasms on Friday, so for punishment I wasn’t allowed to come today. We tried a couple more positions, and were doing a sort of reverse cowgirl while he sat in a chair, and he (somewhat cruelly) said that if I could come in that position I was allowed to come. There was no way this was happening as my knees couldn’t support me in the position. I couldn’t keep going for more than a minute, let alone get myself to the point of coming. *sigh* Frustration. I cursed my bad knees afterwards. He fucked me some more over the couch, but it was just about time for me to head home to Davey.

When I got home to Davey, I told him he needed to take photos of my bruised ass. This of course led to sex (hey I was nearly naked already). We fooled around, fucked, and I still desperately wanted to come, but it was not happening. Finally, we hit upon the right combination – bullet vibe on my clit and a finger up my ass. Yes. Sweet release!

MasterDoc and I did a show for the first time in a while. I was a little surprised because his back is still bothering him. But we had a guest over yesterday afternoon, and of course I didn’t know about it until just before.

My pain tolerance was a bit low, which of course is a bad thing when he’s Domming me in front of an audience. He spanked me a whole lot, and had me look the guy in the eye. It’s really hard for me to look people in the eye while I’m being used. I don’t know that I find the use humiliating so much as having to make eye contact during it. I have to struggle to look people in the eye when he tells me to. It seems so intimate in a way – locking eyes with someone. I don’t feel comfortable doing it with someone I’m not already comfortable with. I tend to be low on eye contact in social situations as well. On the other end of the spectrum, when we’re playing in front of an audience I frequently look MasterDoc in the eye as it makes me feel more relaxed and comfortably under his control. I feel safer and more secure when I make eye contact with him.

He had me show this man my cunt at various stages. That was humiliating. But then in some small way I get off on humiliation, so mind you this isn’t really a complaint. But I’ve found that even when you get off on humiliation or pain the things being done to you do feel humiliating or painful. It’s just that you get wet from it at the same time. It’s strange. I am a strange kinky girl. He had me put my leg up on the arm of the chair where the man was sitting and spread my cunt wide for him to see. I found myself looking at MasterDoc as much as possible as it can be uncomfortable having some strange man closely inspect your bits and like I said before, it’s grounding for me to look at him.

He had me get myself worked up with a toy (my bullet vibe, I’ve now bought an extra one so I can keep it at MasterDoc’s and have one at home and one at his place). They both watched while I played with myself. I was given permission to come and I came hard. (I really need to come up with another phrase other than “I came hard” I use it waaaay too much. Any ideas?)

He gave me a good spanking with various implements, which hurt, and then had me show my cunt to the man again. By this time I was wet. He had me suck his cock off and on during the show and that was comforting when I didn’t have to make eye contact with the man. But of course he told me to look at the man while I sucked cock, look at him and pretend I’m in a porn movie and he’s the camera. My eyes kept wandering away from the man’s face. I kept struggling to keep myself looking at him.

MasterDoc spanked me some more and decided to fuck me. At one point he asked the man for his input on which hole to fuck and he voted for the ass, but in the end we ended up with vaginal fucking. When my head’s down and ass is up I can lose myself in the fucking and not feel so self conscious. It’s funny, I really do like exhibitionism, but sometimes I can feel shy or embarrassed while doing it. But I still like doing it.

Yesterday is notable as the first time my ass blistered from a spanking. According to MasterDoc there were little blisters on my ass right after. They faded pretty quickly, as they were gone a few hours later when we looked again. Today my ass is bruised and sore and I kept thinking about being spanked all day whenever I sat down. *grin*

Yesterday afternoon, I get a text message at work, “Call me when you can plz.” It’s from MasterDoc. I text him back that I’ll call when I get home from work.

I get home and call him, and it turns out he’s called in sick to work because he’s hurt his back. Since he knows Davey is playing soccer he asks if I’d be willing come over to take care of him for a couple of hours. Now my brain is saying, “Noooo. I want to sit on my ass and go on the internet.” But I agree to come over because after all, I wasn’t extraordinarily tired or anything like that and being his submissive I am supposed to serve him. It was phrased as a request and not a direct order, so had I been genuinely tired and whatnot I think I could have gotten away with saying no.

On the way over my brain was whining. “I just got home from work. I want to relaaaax.” But I worked on getting myself into the right mindset. I care about MasterDoc, he needs my help, and I am going to serve him as best I can. I got to his neighborhood and went to the grocery store for some salad since he said we needed some with dinner. By the time I got to his place, I had quelled the whining in my brain for the most part.

He was laying on the sofa when I got there, and moved cautiously into a seated position since his back hurt. We said hello and had a quick cuddle. He had me put my collar on. The first task was to gather the dirty dishes that were accumulating and get them in the dishwasher. I didn’t listen carefully and started the dishwasher even though he said not to start it just yet. Doh. Minor boo boo. He had me sit with him for a few minutes. Being a Dom has its perks and he had me suck his cock for a while. I got kinda horny but I knew that it was going to be all about him that night.

I put together dinner for the two of us. Then I got to sit and watch Cash Cab with him for a bit while we ate. After dinner came the laundry gathering and helping him clear off his bed. (His place is cluttered at the best of times.) His back started hurting again so we stopped the straightening. I found that I was happier to help him out than I thought I would be. I’m a bit lazy and selfish by nature, but I think I do well having a Dom because it gets me to get off my lazy butt and to think about someone else for a change. It’s a good feeling to be productive and helpful, it’s just that my default setting is to kill time on the internet instead of being productive. You can ask Davey, I’m spoiled and tend to try to get away with as much as I can until I feel bad and compensate for my selfishness. I pay a lot of lip service to egalitarianism but I’ve spent my life having men do things for me. You’d think I’d turn out to be a Domme with that profile. But I think being a sub helps because I’m so bad at self-discipline. (And not good at disciplining others either, thus the utter lack of Domme capabilities.) I do well with someone enforcing some discipline into my life. Someone who won’t let me get away with playing the princess.

It was nearly time for me to leave. The last fifteen minutes were spent helping MasterDoc get off. (You didn’t think I’d get through this entry without some sort of sex involved, did you?) He had me use the magic wand on his ass/the area behind his testicles while he jerked off. At one point he asked if this was boring.

“Do you want an honest answer?” He did and I gave him an honest answer. It was kinda boring. Things got more interesting though when, at one point he beckoned me over for a kiss. And for once I had a bright idea, I started kissing and licking his shoulder, then his chest. I kept this up (along with the vibe on his nether regions) until he came. It was truly hot (and not boring).

It was time for me to go home. I got him a wet washcloth and cleaned up the mess, then got him comfy in bed with pillows under his knees. He thanked me many times that evening for coming to take care of him and I told him it was my pleasure. And you know what? I actually did enjoy it.