Diary of a Kinky Librarian

In his essay,  “Why I Write,” George Orwell lists the reasons why anybody writes:

I think there are four great motives for writing, at any rate for writing prose. They exist in different degrees in every writer, and in any one writer the proportions will vary from time to time, according to the atmosphere in which he is living. They are:

(i) Sheer egoism. Desire to seem clever, to be talked about, to be remembered after death, to get your own back on grown-ups who snubbed you in childhood, etc., etc…..

(ii) Aesthetic enthusiasm. Perception of beauty in the external world, or, on the other hand, in words and their right arrangement. Pleasure in the impact of one sound on another, in the firmness of good prose or the rhythm of a good story….

(iii) Historical impulse. Desire to see things as they are, to find out true facts and store them up for the use of posterity.

(iv) Political purpose – using the word “political” in the widest possible sense. Desire to push the world in a certain direction, to alter other people’s idea of the kind of society that they should strive after.

I can see these four impulses in me when I blog. Certainly, something every blogger hopes for is to become known, to have a lot of readership, to get linked to from bigger bloggers’ blogs. We want to feel like we’re important, popular and that people want to read what we have to say. I wasn’t very popular when I was younger, and certainly I can see the desire to be popular has never completely gone away. So we’ve got egoism – check.

While I’m not a phenomenal writer, I do take delight in a well-turned phrase, in a sentence that captures the moment so perfectly. I love when I’ve created a record of a wonderful time in my life, or used the blog to express difficult feelings. I like being able to go back and remember where I’ve been and what (who) I’ve done. And so we have aesthetic enthusiasm and historical impulse.

The fourth is certainly very clear on this blog – I want to promote healthy sexuality, STI awareness and understanding of alternative sexualities. I want to open up people’s minds to sex positivity. There’s way too much negativity and fear in sexuality in the United States, I hope to be one of the many voices that help change that.

Orwell’s long been one of my favorite writers, and I think he really hit the nail on the head with this one.

This entry is kinda random and I couldn’t come up with a title.

I got to see MasterDoc again on Sunday evening. My depression is still lingering although being around him helped cheer me up some. Again, he gave me lots of lovely orgasms, which helped my mood. We fucked with me on top and after I had gotten myself on the edge of orgasm, but before I broke down and begged to come, he told me to come. I came and my body convulsed with pleasure. After my vaginal muscles pushed his cock out I kept coming and spasming. He held me close to him and slapped my ass a bit and I just kept right on coming. It is absolutely amazing what he can do to me.

He had me get the archer wand and my bullet vibe. I rubbed the vibe against my clit as he slid the cool glass along the opening to my cunt. He gently slid the bulbous end into me. I could feel it against my g-spot as he jiggled it in and out. Before long I was moaning and desperate to come. He gave me the command, and I came long and hard. I had to try to stifle my screams as it was late but it was so hard to quiet down. I was lost in multiple amazing orgasms. He’s very good to me.

He fucked me some more from behind, then he lubed up my asshole and played with it while he fucked me. He planned to fuck me up the ass but somehow he couldn’t get the right spot. He pushed against me but it wouldn’t go in. It felt like he was just slightly off from the opening. I’m a little sore from the pushing. He decided it wasn’t worth the effort since it wasn’t going in easily. He apologized for the soreness when I told him about it last night. With him there’s definitely a difference between intentional pain and unintentional pain.

I have such a peculiar life. I’ve been spending about three nights a week at MasterDoc’s lately. I feel very much at home in his place, and of course I feel at home in my actual home. I spend nearly as much time at his place as I do at home. This poly thing is certainly different – different men, different nights, different abodes. I regularly pack an overnight bag, and I go to work from different places on a regular basis. I’m not complaining one bit, as I’m very happy. But it’s definitely unconventional and I realize that. It’s a strange life to be living out of a backpack a few nights a week. I’ve kept toiletries at MasterDoc’s for a while now, so I don’t have to pack everything I need every time I go over there. It feels like a second home. I don’t know how he’s going to react to me saying that, as recently I accidentally referred to going to his place after work as “going home” and he was a bit taken aback by that. (Quite honestly, any place I’m staying/going to after work can be referred to as “home.” It’s like work and home are opposites. If I’m not at work, then I’m at “home.”) I certainly do feel at home at his place, but I never forget that it’s not my actual home. My home is where my stuff is, and where I pay rent, and where I share life with Davey. But it’s kinda nice to feel at home at two places, just like it’s nice to feel loved by two men. I like this poly thing.

I’m not ashamed to talk about my struggle with depression. Not any more ashamed than I would be if it were something like diabetes I was talking about. I look at it as a chronic illness I have learned to live with. Sometimes it’s easy to deal with and I feel fine, other times it comes around again and I have to struggle.

It’s not easy being a good submissive when you’re depressed. When mired in depression it’s hard to find the energy to take care of yourself, much less take care of your Dominant. I find myself in a bad headspace and I have a much harder time controlling my tongue and emotional responses. Submission requires a measure of self-control as well as the control of your Dom. As a good and obedient submissive I’m expected to be respectful and watch my tone when speaking to him, but when I’m depressed it’s much harder to do so.

I struggled with the beating on Friday because of where my head was. In the heat of it I felt angry, resentful and just terrible. I cried out more than usual and louder than usual because of how I felt. I put my hands out to cover my thighs when it hurt rather than taking it like I would have normally. I felt the urge to fight rather than submit. But despite having a hard time with it, it certainly wasn’t a traumatic event. My relationship with MasterDoc is such that even when I’m in a bad mood I know deep down that he watches out for me. He didn’t dish out anything that day that I couldn’t truly take, and as I sobbed uncontrollably he held me and gave me the aftercare I really needed. I’m sure it’s hard for someone outside the lifestyle to understand, but his beating me that day was done out of love and a desire to help me feel better. I often feel calmer and more centered after a good beating. Unfortunately I was depressed enough that it took more than that that afternoon. But I think somehow I needed to have the fight beaten out of me. I needed to be broken down so I could just cry and feel the horrible feelings inside me. I’m sure a few people would question my feminist credentials at this point, but emotions are complex things. Submitting isn’t necessarily a weakness. Being broken down can mean something bad, or it can be the opportunity for you to let go of negative feelings and then be rebuilt again, better than before. I won’t sob uncontrollably around everyone, but in the context of a scene it felt okay to let go and feel what I was feeling. It was a safe environment for me. I knew that he would take care of me.

Depression is hard on any relationship, but in the D/s dynamic it can be particularly hard. After all, MasterDoc is used to being able to control me -  and that includes making me feel better when I’m down. When I linger in a depressed state, and I can’t even explain what I’m depressed about (because I don’t know), I’m sure it makes him feel powerless. I know it makes him worry about me. I worry that the depression will cause problems between us. When depressed I feel down on myself and start thinking that my significant others would be better off without me. When I’m not depressed I realize that that judgement is up to them, not me. But depression clouds judgement and makes it hard to act maturely and rationally. On Friday night, instead of trying to be seductive when MasterDoc was focusing on my friend, or at least pulling him aside to explain that I needed attention and was having a hard time, I just curled up, withdrew and sulked. In my foggy mental state I couldn’t figure out how to constructively convey what I needed. I was afraid to speak up because I figured he would just tell me I was being whiny. But I shouldn’t underestimate him. He could tell that I really was in a bad place mentally and not being a pain in the ass intentionally. He took the time to take care of me, to pay attention and to give me orgasms to make me feel good physically and mentally. I’m really thankful I have him in my life. I’ve always needed someone who was strong enough to deal with my getting depressed and being mentally ill. It’s not an easy thing to live with – whether you’re the one who’s depressed or your lover is the one who’s depressed. But he’s strong, and because of that I feel like it’s okay for me to sometimes be weak around him.

I spent Friday with MasterDoc. It was a quiet day for the most part and unfortunately I’ve been dealing with depression again. My mood was a pretty negative one, and so when we got down to fooling around I wasn’t really in the right mindset. I sucked his cock for a while but my jaw hurt and I was feeling cranky. He said that he knew what I really wanted, and that was a beating. I hoped that it would release some endorphins and help me feel better. My mood was really taking a nosedive, so when he had me kneel in front of the chair in the living room, and then said something a bit harsh (though for the life of me I can’t recall what he said), I started to cry a little bit before he even laid a finger on me. And so once he started spanking me the tears just continued to come. He hit me pretty hard and pretty long. He used the strap on me and the heavy flogger. He gave my upper back a good hard flogging. While at the time it seemed rough and hard to take I think ultimately it was cathartic to have a good hard beating. I cried a little throughout.  I had long said that I’d like to cry during a beating or spanking, and that it would be cathartic. It wasn’t quite like I had imagined it to be. I really felt down and stressed and emotional.

He had me sit down in front of the chair and he took to slapping my thighs with the strap and my pussy with his hand. The strap on the thighs hurt so much I cried out and covered my thighs with my hands and really burst into tears. He held me, telling me I was a good girl and telling me to breathe more slowly. It took a few minutes for me to calm down and in the heat of the moment I felt wretched. He asked if I could use a cuddle and I said that I could. We went to the bedroom and lay down, I continued to cry as he held me. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and escape the world at that point. He had hit me hard enough to bring blood to just below the surface of the skin on my ass, something he hadn’t done before. Initially it seemed that the beating didn’t help my mood, but after I had some time to cry and rest I did feel much calmer afterward. Still, my mood wasn’t fantastic. I felt really needy.

We went out that night with a friend of ours and on one level it wasn’t great to have a friend along since I really needed attention. However, I did enjoy having her there and once I got some attention I was able to enjoy her company more. We ended up in the bdsm room where MasterDoc put her on the spanking bench and gave her a spanking. He had me join in on rubbing her ass at the outset, then I sat down to watch as he spanked her. I was feeling whiny and needy and since my thoughts were so negative at that point I worried that I would be totally forgotten and ignored. I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.

MasterDoc checked in with me and I was able to articulate what was going on – I felt like I needed more attention than usual rather than less attention and I was in an awful mood being ignored. He finished up with my friend then came over to me on the bed. He had me get naked and told me to get out a toy to get me off. I took out the magic wand. He plugged it in to the wall and put it to my clit. He also played with the archer wand inside me. My friend licked and stroked my breasts while he did this, and in no time I was begging to be allowed to come. He had me hold off for a little but when I was given permission, I came really hard and he kept up the vibration on my clit. I thought my head was going to explode, I just came and came and came. I screamed and I think I drew a bit of a crowd. I just got lost in the orgasms. He doesn’t usually have me come for so long. Afterward, he and my friend said it was wonderful to watch me as I came. I squirted a bit as I came.

MasterDoc decided to fuck me, and had me get on my hands and knees. (Our friend wandered off and found someone to play with/fuck.) He didn’t get his cock inside me but instead fingered me, and again I was begging for release. He had me come over and over again and I felt just completely amazing. That man is just amazing with what he can do to my body. At any point in time he is capable of making me feel so incredible. We took a break, then he decided to fuck me as I was on my back. I was so turned on and so close to orgasm the entire time. I tried holding off on asking to come for as long as I could. I didn’t come that round, but then he fucked me from behind again and I finally broke down and begged, “Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please may I come, Sir?”

He let me come and for quite a while my vaginal muscles didn’t push his cock out. I kept screaming and moaning as he fucked me. It was so wonderful to be given so many orgasms. Eventually I pushed him out (I hate when that happens). As we lay on the bed, me catching my breath, I couldn’t stop telling him how wonderful he is and thanking him for letting me come. I felt amazing.

We took a break and hooked back up with our friend. After a little while we ended up in the back room and MasterDoc gave our friend a taste of the TENS unit. He put one pair of electrodes on one breast and had me put the other pair on her other breast. He fiddled with the controls and I stroked my friends’ breasts, neck, and hair. She didn’t mind it when it was on her breast, but he put a couple of the electrodes on her pussy at first and she had a harder time dealing with the pain from that. As he played with the controls for the electrodes on her breasts I could see he was enjoying turning the juice up and down. It’s easy to forget he’s a bit of a sadist as in many ways he’s really, really sweet. But at times like that it’s clear he enjoys inflicting pain. He continued to play with the controls, but then also slid some fingers into her pussy and fingered her. He brought her to a loud orgasm (I think she was louder than me, which is really saying something). All in all she enjoyed the TENS unit but didn’t like it so much on her pussy.

We packed up and headed home. Somewhere in the course of the evening I lost the case with my medication in it, so we spent some time searching the club for that and my Nea. We never found either, but MasterDoc still needs to check his car. I’m really bummed about losing the Nea. We ended up taking a side trip to my apartment so I could get more medications. I was really tired by the time we got to his place and I went straight to bed. I had to get up and go to work the next day, but I’m due to go back to his place this evening. I was in a better mood yesterday after having all those orgasms, but I’m still feeling a little down. I’ll be glad for more cuddles tonight.

Just as I was feeling thoroughly unpopular that no one had tagged me for this meme, Scarlet Lotus, Dangerous Lilly and SubHeart all tagged me. (Granted, I think Scarlet and Lilly maybe did it because I bitched about being left out on twitter.) I seem to have this nagging sense of being on the outside of the sex blog community, but it’s probably just rampant insecurity on my part. Anyway, on with the meme. I hope after my bitching I can come up with something good.

The Rules:
-Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
-Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
-Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
-Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. My second toe is longer than my big toe on each foot.

2. The first time I went to a bdsm club was on a first date with a cross dresser. (Ok so I mentioned this a couple of entries ago.)

3. I once had sex in a burning building. (I really should look up where I posted about that before, but I’ll let you all ponder that without an explanation instead.)

4. Before I decided to become a librarian, I seriously considered becoming a sex therapist/educator instead. I still think about it from time to time and go looking at graduate programs in human sexuality online. Also, if the Kinsey Institute wasn’t in the godforsaken midwest I’d want to be a librarian there.

5. I’m left-handed.

(Hard to come up with these without giving out too much identifying information. Damn pesky need for some anonymity!)

6. I chose Nadia West for my pseudonym because as a little girl I wanted to be a gymnast like Nadia Comaneci (never came anywhere remotely close to being a gymnast, but I was so awed watching her perform) and West is an homage to Mae West.

7. As a child and teen, at various points I had aspirations to be a: nurse (like my mom and grandma), teacher of the blind and deaf, microbiologist, pizza maker (I loved watching them toss the pizza in the air!), a singer in a band, graphic designer, lyricist, poet, and more that I can’t remember.

Now for tagging people – I don’t think I can tag 7 people who haven’t already been tagged (or who I know well enough to know they’d not be annoyed by a meme) but let’s try. If you’ve already been tagged, my apologies. If you hate memes, then just ignore this.

Coy Pink (Drat, it turns out she’s been tagged. I forgot.)

A Little Cinful

Natty

Kaya

I have been known to talk about STIs (sexually transmitted infections) although not as often on this blog as my old blog. I’m very much an advocate for knowledge about transmission, risks, open discussion and a sane, compassionate approach to someone who has an STI. Fairly often there are threads on the discussion boards on collarme or fetlife where people talk about STIs and I find a pervasive attitude – there are many who will not play with anyone who does not have proof of a clear test to provide. I take issue with this for various reasons. Firstly, I take issue with notion that negative tests guarantee you don’t have something. Tests are imperfect. Please don’t read this to mean that tests are worthless – certainly regular testing is a good idea and treatment of anything that arises is advisable. However, a negative test does not guarantee that someone doesn’t have an infection. The example I like to use is how I’ve, from time to time, tested negative for herpes in the years I’ve had it. It’s possible for the virus to be dormant enough that it doesn’t show on a test. There’s also the issue that being tested “for everything” doesn’t necessarily include all STIs – herpes is frequently not automatically included in batteries of tests. (Not unless you have knowingly been exposed, and even then some doctors don’t think it’s worth testing unless you’ve had symptoms.)

Secondly, it is possible to play with someone with an STI and keep the risk to an acceptable level. Dismissing someone out of hand just because they have herpes, or HPV, or even HIV really eliminates a lot of good people from your life right off the bat. I’ve often said that the stigma against STIs is far worse than the STI itself (in my mind, this is true more for herpes or HPV or one of the treatable bacterial infections, rather than HIV which is a serious infection). People treating those with STIs like they’re pariahs, untouchable, bad people, etc. is really unacceptable. I made a poor choice with someone who was dishonest at one time in my life and I was unlucky enough to catch something. But you know what? Herpes is a really minor skin disease. People’s attitudes towards it are really blown all out of proportion. On a recent thread on fetlife someone pointed out that their partner wasn’t comfortable having intercourse with them because they had dormant HSV (herpes simplex virus), but this same partner had nearly died in a motorcycle accident, and yet he still rides his motorcycle. It’s funny to me the grand risks that people will take, but when it comes to an STI they flip out. It is possible to have sex with someone with an STI and not catch it. Condom use is very helpful. People being open and honest with each other, so that the one with an STI feels comfortable bringing up any outbreaks, symptoms, etc. in a non-judgmental environment, will go a long way towards preventing infection. I’m not saying you should ever take a risk with someone who is actively presenting symptoms of an STI – have them get treated, get the outbreak to clear up, get the warts removed before having sex. BUT, speaking as someone who has had sex with people who have HPV, it’s not an automatic deal breaker for me.  As long as we’re both not presenting symptoms at that time, I use condoms and take the risk (and as of my last test results I was negative for HPV). And with so many people the minor risk of infection is so worth spending intimate time with them. It’s possible to take care of your sexual health, while taking calculated risks. If you look at transmission rates for a variety of STIs they’re really not nearly as bad as you are led to believe. I’ll have to ask MasterDoc for the link, but he found stats about HIV transmission and the odds, even when one partner definitely has HIV, of catching it are not huge. Transmission via oral sex is actually quite unlikely. (Not impossible, but unlikely.)

We live in a society where anti-sex sentiment pervades, and the fear tactics used when discussing STIs are just anti-sex propaganda. Yes, there’s a risk. Yes, it’s great if you prevent catching anything because it’s a drag to have an STI. But no, your life will not end, you do not become a bad person, you are not “dirty” if you catch something. And no, you will not then pass it on to all your future sex partners. I’ve lived 10 years with herpes and to the best of my knowledge no one has caught it from me. I take an anti-viral daily, I know my body and avoid sexual contact when I have symptoms and I use condoms consistently. I’ve slept with a lot of people since catching it, and no one has come back to me to say they’ve got it. (I stay on friendly terms with many exes, so I would hear from many past partners if something came up.) When you look at the stats for sero-discordant couples (one has herpes, the other doesn’t) the transmission rate after one year of unprotected sex is only around 3-5%. I hope that my being open will help some people realize that the stigma against those with STIs is really unfair, and grounded in an irrational sense of fear. Just because something is transmitted via sexual contact does not make it a worse infection to get. Ignorance breeds fear – read up on non-biased studies of STIs and get to know what the real risks are.

Talking with Davey today, I was reminded of one bdsm/fetish relationship that I would have forgotten to mention! I dated a cross-dresser several years ago. He was into bdsm too (again, a sub who I switched with a little) and owned a wonderful array of bdsm gear. There was the spreader bar, the face harness with the leather gag that could be snapped on, the pvc maid’s outfits (gotten for him, but the open breasted one looked far better on me), various things for impact play, etc. I can’t remember all the stuff anymore. I’m still friendly with this ex-boyfriend and one time while out with a group of friends (i.e., I was drunk) I cornered him and asked what I had been dying to ask – does his wife know about the cross-dressing and bdsm? “We don’t talk about that,” was his response. Made bold by the alcohol in my system I told him that if he was looking to unload any of this bdsm equipment, to please keep me in mind. So far he hasn’t contacted me about that. Damn.

My first trip to a bdsm club was my very first date with this guy. It certainly goes down as the most interesting first date I’ve ever had. We met at La Nouvelle Justine (is that even around any more?) a bdsm-themed restaurant in New York City. He was in drag and I have to admit his legs looked better than mine. *sigh* We ended up stopping by his apartment so he could change shoes, then we went to a TV bar and hung out with a bunch of other transvestites. Next, we went to Paddles, a bdsm club, my first ever trip to a bdsm club – on a first date! We only made out in the corner but it was fun all the same. He and I would visit Paddles various times through out our relationship (just under two years), pretty much always with him in drag. I was the first girlfriend of his to know about the cross-dressing. Despite times when he’s been a dick to me, I haven’t opened my mouth and told our mutual friends about it at all. I feel good having taken the high road. We played around with bondage and spanking. I remember one time he spanked me to the point where I had to invoke a safe word. The unfortunate thing is that he stopped everything after that. Meanwhile I was in a state where I would have LOVED to have been just taken and ravished right then and there. Somewhere on my computer is a photo of my red ass from that spanking.

After my relationship with him, again I dated a few guys and maybe there was some light bondage but nothing much. None of the relationships lasted all that long. In 2002, however, I met a couple on a herpes dating site. They were both into bdsm, she a sub, him a dom, and we chatted for a couple of months getting to know each other. Eventually I got to meet them and I went back to his place with them that very first night. (Yes, I’m a little crazy. I was terrified on the way over that they were psychos and I’d end up killed.) We would get together to do bdsm play every now and then. Often, I would drive over to his place, call them on my cell phone when I was nearly there, and they’d give me instructions for when I walked in. I was to get naked, put on the blindfold on the sofa, and the cuffs on my wrists and wait. Several minutes later they’d come out of the bedroom. They’d do different things to me – he of course enjoyed seeing me and her make out, they’d take turns spanking me, various experiences. I think he once had us drink champagne out of a bowl on the floor. It was a lot of fun but I often felt like the guest sex toy. I’d see them every few months off and on until last year. They’ve since broken up, and I’m not allowed bdsm play with anyone but MasterDoc now. (The last time I saw them, shortly after I had started seeing MasterDoc, they used a big dildo on me without warming me up at all, and it left me with soreness problems for weeks afterwards. After that MasterDoc was not so keen on letting me play with them. Actually, he was never keen on it, but he was letting me ‘grandfather’ in various people I was intimate with before I met him.)

I think I’ve covered all my bdsm experiences pre-MasterDoc at this point. I might have forgotten one or two, but the most memorable ones have been captured here. Too bad I didn’t keep a blog all along. The stories I’d have details for! My memory gets fuzzy all too quick. 2005 was the first time I went to a sex party – and I went as a single woman. I had become friendly with Audacia Ray through our blogs, and she had a friend who was also a blogger (and turned out to be a real dickhead, i.e., the guy who assaulted me) who hosted sex parties in his apartment. So only knowing Audacia from her blog and from meeting her once, I went to the party all by myself (knowing only her) and had a fantastic time. My sluttiness had finally found an outlet with casual sex parties. The number of lovers I have had since then is exponentially more than I had had before. I had always loved sex, but it took me a while to embrace being a slut.

I recently asked readers for questions or topics they’d like to see covered here. One that came up was the idea of my experiences before MasterDoc. I certainly had plenty of sexual experiences before him, but he’s my first actual Dom. I dabbled in bdsm prior to meeting him, and knew for a while that I’d like to find a Dom (but found that so many of them on collarme were full of themselves). My first bdsm experiences go back, well actually they go way back to my teen years. Now, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned here before that I was a virgin until my 18th birthday. I didn’t even kiss a boy until I was 17 and a half. So what experiences did I have in my teens you may ask? I would play with bondage and blindfolds when I masturbated. I’d tie my wrists together as best I could and then masturbate with my hands bound. It’s not easy doing self-bondage and you have to leave it fairly loose so you can get yourself out of it, but I still got a little thrill from doing it. I knew even then that it was something I wanted to try one day when I had a partner. I kept things like old bathrobe sashes that I could use to tie myself up with.

My first boyfriend and I played around a bit, I think I’ve written about that on here. We tried a little bondage, a little spanking, some power exchange role play (both of us switching). I loved being on the submissive end of the power play, but the hard part was that he did too. We didn’t get deeply into anything, but we played around with lots of experiences – real and fantasy. We played around once that we were total strangers who met at a bar and went home with each other and fucked. I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near an experience like that in real life at that age (a good thing, I’m sure) but I was curious to try new things and have varied experiences. First boyfriend and I would spend a lot of time trying to come up with stuff we’d never tried before (and it was all new) and then doing it. We weren’t successful with anal sex – I didn’t accomplish that til much later. And since he was a boy he couldn’t help me with the whole bisexual experience. (I was open with him about my desires. I later found out in a round about way that he had those sorts of desires too, but he was never open with me about them. Oh except for how he’d say that if he was gay he’d be into Patrick Swayze. Even then I kinda knew the translation was that he was into Patrick Swayze.) I eventually slept with a woman when I was 28. (That’s a little tale in and of itself.)

My sexual experiences in college were pretty standard, vanilla fare. I don’t recall doing any bdsm play during college. I can’t recall when I took up with the married guy (senior year? after college?), but I did play a little with a married guy I slept with off and on for a few years. Nothing much, just a little light Dom/sub type stuff. That was ultimately a situation that I was better out of. When I first met him he claimed to be separated from his wife, then he admitted to still being with her, then he went ahead and had another kid with her even though he’d bitch to me about how unhappy he was. Finally, just when things were winding down between us, his wife called me at work and confronted me. Whew. Not fun. That was the end of the married guy in my life. I’ve twice made the mistake of fucking cheating men, and ultimately neither situation was satisfying. I now have a rule that the spouse absolutely has to know about me or I won’t get into the situation (or won’t stay in it if I find out later that he’s lying).

As a young adult, after college, I still mostly had a vanilla sex life. There would be some light spanking or bondage with various boyfriends, but nothing that was truly a Dom/sub situation. I very briefly dated a guy who was into bdsm, but I had a long distance relationship with an Englishman then and the bdsm guy wasn’t keen on being with a woman whose heart was with someone else. Still, we had a couple of dates, we went to a movie and he fed me popcorn at the rate he decided and I struggled to keep up. I think he had me suck his fingers in the movie theater as well – a full theater I might add. He took the back of my head and lowered my mouth onto his thumb. I remember him feeling me up in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. We went to his place once and we played a little. He put nipple clamps on me for the first time, spanked me, etc. It was something I definitely enjoyed, although it might have been better with someone I had a connection with. He Dom-ed me over the phone a few times, and I remember being so turned on as I took my clothes off at home as his command and played with myself. He bought me a copy of The Story of O, which I still have.

I guess light bondage or spanking entered into many of my relationships, but not on the level I would have liked. I’d go through phases where I wasn’t as into kink, but I’d always come back to it inevitably. I think ultimately I’m more turned on by kinky sex than I am by vanilla sex, but I do enjoy vanilla sex. Finding a Dom has fulfilled a part of me that always yearned to be fulfilled. Eventually I hooked up with the couple I played with, and I would do bdsm play with them off and on for a few years. Details on that are for part two.

I’ve had a quiet week for the most part. Davey is working late and I won’t see MasterDoc again until at least Monday. I got permission to masturbate on Tuesday night and made good use of the Wahl massager. I’m a little frustrated that holding off on orgasm can sometimes result in a diminished orgasm for me. I get to the peak, and hold back, and then the arousal ebbs a little then I try to get back up to the peak and let myself come but it’s not as high as the last time. *sigh* I will keep working on this.

Last night I was horny enough to ask for permission to masturbate again – but MasterDoc had left his phone at home and wasn’t going to have it until this morning. I hoped to see him online but he didn’t come online last night, so I was left without permission. I was a good girl and just made due without masturbation.

I have a few ideas for blog entries cooking, but not sure about one of them. I figured I’d do this little update for the meantime.

‘”too many orgasms” painful begging’ (Too many orgasms – don’t I wish!)

“i fucked five guys” (I did once upon a time, at a play party. But that was on the old blog.)

‘fucked from behind at party bent over sofa’ (Ah, reminds me of the time MasterDoc fucked me up the ass at a swing club while I was bent over the back of a sofa.)

‘big tits babe librarian’ (Again, people searching for my tits!)

‘fucking librarian pics’ (Ooh gotta get some of those at some point.)

‘www.kinky old ladies’ (???)

‘gangbang librarian’

People looking for how-to and advice land here:

‘how to get aroused on command’ (Still working on that one.)

‘what it feels like to suck a cock with a condom on it’