Comments on: Sticking Point

By: wryonlife

wryonlife — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 11:01:10 +0000

I really have to comment here. I commend you for airing your dirty laundry, so to speak. I’m sure others will identify, as this type of conflict is quite common. Sometimes the lines between play and reality become blurry. It sounds like there are deeper things at stake than the use of her toys. If you would be open to a little constructive feedback, I think you both stand to gain from the benefit of outside perspective. Please keep in mind I’m not taking sides, and I’m not going to play subtle. This might hurt a little, but I promise, it’s for your own good

Nadia, I hope you aren’t using this forum as a pass- ag way of convincing your dom to see the light. It is YOUR job to hold your boundaries. If they are not respected, change the situation. Take your toy bag and go home if that is what is necessary. You have the right to your feelings. You have the right to negotiate rules and boundaries. What happens in the bedroom is play, pretend, acting out roles. The illusion of dominance is given by your choice to submit. If you make the choice consciously, and submit because you love and trust your partner, that’s sexy and empowering. If you submit unwillingly and against your better judgment, that is just caving under pressure, perhaps internalizing the social programming we get as women to be doormats. Emotions are the way our inner selves send messages to our outer selves. That means you feel this way for a reason, and your toys represent something that you need, whatever that is. Step up and decide right now that you will stick to your guns, that your feelings are valid, and you will not allow yourself to be belittled by anyone, doms included.

Doc, you are pushing so hard for the reaction you feel she SHOULD be having. Why? What is this really about for you? Do you realize that your ego is denying, in fact trivializing the reaction that your loved one is PRESENTLY experiencing? Words like “absurdly selfish” are blaming words. Inappropriate for negotiating relationship boundaries. The best dom is not necessarily the one who whips the hardest, and submission is not about your pleasure at the expense of hers. The chocolate bar analogy is irrelevant. We all have emotions. Whether those emotions are rationally justified is a separate issue from the need to have their existence validated. She is trying to express a need to you, and you are hiding behind your dom role. The D/s is a component of the relationship, not the relationship itself.

Unless you have willingly and expressly agreed otherwise, I do not see how it is appropriate to negotiate the boundaries of a relationship while still “playing” D/s roles. Both Dom and submissive are equal when it comes to laying out the rules, being heard, and having feelings respected. In my opinion, you should work to find agreement as to where the play ends and your relationship begins. If you truly listen to each other, Im sure you can create some clear and fair poly/ play rules that work for everyone. Good luck!

By: moe

moe — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 06:55:56 +0000

um if chocolate gets broken, it’s still good. if toys get broken, they’re no good to anyone anymore. it’s kinda messed up to push a known boundary and then scold your submissive for not letting you walk all over said boundary. from a submissive: i’d be pissed if someone i didn’t particularly like got to play with my toy before i even got a chance. but then again my D isn’t involved with anyone else so maybe that’s a jealouse monster rearing its head in me. just sayin…

By: MasterDoc

MasterDoc — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:09:27 +0000

If you had a yummy chocolate bar and left it in your dom’s apartment and he took it and shared it until it was all gone, you would have legitimate cause to be upset; no chocolate left for you=mean dom.
Now suppose you had a magic bag from which anyone could take chocolate bars. Every time you took one another one appeared in the bag. You left that bag in your dom’s apartment and he preceeded, for his pleasure and satisfaction, to supply his friends with chocolate for the enjoyment of him and his guests.
Shouldn’t you be happy to be able to supply him with yummy chocolate? Yes it is your bag so you theoretically have the right to deny your dom such use. But how absurdly selfish would you have to be to deny him what costs you NOTHING? Have you NO eagerness to please him?
Nadia: you are NOT to post any more on this topic until we have talked.

By: Coy Pink

Coy Pink — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 21:10:09 +0000

Yeah, what they said. I really couldn’t have said it any better than Lilly and R. Him not respecting your wishes about YOUR property is very disrespectful. I hope you’re able to come to an agreement on this issue. Sounds tough.

By: Lilly

Lilly — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 20:23:26 +0000

My comment is actually from two people. Myself, and R. My thoughts are similar to his. You’re submissive, not his slave. Your personal property is yours, and he has no right to demand it. I can’t find any excuses for such behavior, nor any good and valid reasons. You GIVE your submission to him. It’s not something he takes from you. It never should be unless you sign a slave contract. Did you? No. Then you still have every right. He would respect your use of the safeword, wouldn’t he? Same thing.

That ends my portion of the comment. Now, on to R.

“Nadia, A true Master/Mistress truly has no power. He/She only has what YOU the submissive give them. If Master over-steps your safe bounds, then you have moved from submissive to slave. You are nothing more to him than property now and a something, not a someone. No longer a relationship. Master has turned to owner. Do not allow this to happen if you are not comfortable. Then again, Master should know your limits and have anticipated this already. Obviously, he either doesn’t know you as well as he thinks he does -or- no longer views you as a part of him. A submissive, yes. But still and always should you be an equal.”

Back to me. *sigh* yet another reason I think R is just all sorts of wonderful.