Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Yesterday marked 2 years since the day MasterDoc and I first met in person. We didn’t get freaky that day but a couple of days later we did, and I blogged about him for the first time on August 2, 2007. One of the reasons I love having a blog is that I can read back and reminisce. If you read that old entry you’ll see that I said I wasn’t “wildly physically attracted to him” at first and he has never let me live that line down.

“There was that time you said I was fugly,” MasterDoc often brings up.

“I never said you were fugly! You’re not fugly!” I have since admitted that it wasn’t so much his looks not being for me but the fact that he was so much older than me. Yes, I realize that’s not much better. Ha ha. But I never thought he was fugly. Ever. And of course now that I love him dearly looking at him can turn me on something fierce. He is phenomenally sexy.

So you’d think we’d fuck like rabbits in commemoration of our first meeting, but he was tired and achy, and by the time we were naked and in bed I was tired as well. In the end, I went down on him for a while, and then he caressed me and “accessorized” while I masturbated with the Acuvibe Mini. I squirted on my Liberator Throe and was thankful I made sure to put it down under me first. Orgasms make me happy, and I was happy. Some nights full on sex just isn’t in the cards. And while I was really horny earlier in the day, I was totally content with how things went because, as I said, I was tired as well. We got in some quality cuddling time too.

Two happy years in my first D/s relationship. And hopefully there will be many more.

MasterDoc spent a while, perhaps a month? two? I’m not sure, talking online with a potential sub from a few states away. This past Monday, she had the opportunity to visit, and from what I understand they had a really fun time, all day long, while I was at work. Of course, while at work I didn’t really want to hear about the good time they were having with the Hitachi Magic Wand while I was stuck at my job, but I am glad that they had fun. That night, I went over to MasterDoc’s and joined them. This was the first time I’d met DeeDee, and since she and I didn’t talk online I knew very little about her. I found myself feeling a bit shy, which may seem a bit unusual considering the amount of total strangers I’ve fucked. But I think perhaps the fact that she would be someone who’d come around again made me nervous. With a one-off person if I don’t like them or they don’t like me it doesn’t matter much. But if someone’s going to be a submissive to MasterDoc it’s certainly preferable if we get along. I may have also been shy because I knew that she didn’t have experience with women, although granted she had a strong curiosity. At any rate, we got along well.

MasterDoc was practically giddy, he was so happy to have two lovely women attending to him. As he had DeeDee suck his cock (I’m told she’s skilled at it innately) he grinned at me and had me come in for a hug. It’s funny, because MasterDoc, as a Dom, will play the misogynist pretty often. (Such as, “Eh, next time I let the cunt take the bus!”) But in reality, he loves women. Absolutely loves them. All his close friends are women, he spends his free time pretty much exclusively with women, and he loves wooing new women. When surrounded by women, MasterDoc is in his element. And he is very good at making women feel special, even while fucking them roughly and calling them cunt. Underneath the faux-misogynist comments, which could be misunderstood by someone who doesn’t know him, he’s a gentleman. Very much a gentleman. I hope I didn’t just reveal his deep, dark secret.

Back to the story: MasterDoc was really happy, and it was nice to see him so glad. While I felt shy that night and it took some urging to get me involved, ultimately it was really fun sharing cock sucking duties with DeeDee, and the two of us massaged his body. I enjoyed watching him fuck her. I get a certain pleasure from seeing him with another submissive woman, because the things he says during are the same things he says to me – and I can put myself in her place easily. I was also involved, as I used the Acuvibe Mini on her clit while he fucked her.

He had us lay next to each other on the mat on the floor, and play with ourselves. He used the crop on our thighs for a bit and took a set of nipple clamps and joined one nipple on each of us to the other woman’s nipple. He toyed with the chain between them, and the pain felt divine. Then he encouraged us to touch each other with our free arm. I didn’t know exactly what he meant, so I just dove in and started massaging her clit. Hee hee. While I was shy in some ways I certainly broke the ice there! DeeDee played with my breasts. She commented on how different it was to feel another woman’s breasts. She touched my cunt and asked me to tell her what I liked since she was new to this. I told her that fairly direct contact on my clit is good, and she was a little unsure where precisely the clit was. MasterDoc got into teacher mode and gave her an external female anatomy lesson – using me as the model. I’m sure she’s not the only adult woman who isn’t well-versed in female anatomy, and that is sad. It’s still so taboo that if you don’t run in sex-positive circles (or you’re not experienced at being bisexual or lesbian) you might not get the chance to learn this. She rubbed my clit, and MasterDoc added some lube. He slid his fingers inside me, and soon my eyes were closed and I was breathing heavy and moaning. It’s nice to have both penetration and clitoral stimulation at once. They continued, MasterDoc probing at my g-spot, until I asked permission to come. As usual, I came loud and long.

DeeDee thanked me after and said that I made her first time with a woman very comfortable. And I was thrilled to hear that, I like people to feel comfortable.

She had to go a short while later, and MasterDoc and I had dinner after she left. Later on, he decided that he wanted to come, and I played with his ass until he stroked himself to climax. I must be growing up a little and becoming less self-centered, because I genuinely derived great pleasure out of helping him come. Seeing him feel really good felt really good for me. Perhaps I’m finally getting over being a bit of a pillow princess.

I think sometimes I hesitate to wax poetic about being in a state of submission. I’m deliriously happy when I’m really in subspace but it seems to be antithetical to my feminist beliefs sometimes that I don’t like admitting to those feelings.

Sometimes it’s hard to sit down and blog about the sex I’ve had. How many ways can I say I had terrific orgasms? I also feel a little like a braggart, considering MasterDoc and I work so well in bed together. We had great sex again last night, it was composed of the usual parts – my enthusiastically giving him a blow job, him keeping me on the edge of orgasm for what seemed like forever. It’s at the point now where I get turned on just being pressed up against him. I stroked his body all over, and he complimented me on how good I can make him feel with my hands. I’ve learned his favorite spots and I pay attention to what my hands feel and where it feels right to linger. I’m sure my touching him, while pressing my breasts against his back, while I start to breathe heavy in his ear is a turn on.

While I was horny last night I was also feeling a bit lazy. But like a good little submissive I got up and sucked his cock when he told me to. I love making it hard with my mouth. I love those rare occasions where he gasps from my sucking as far as I can get it into my mouth. I do my best to get all slobbery and wet, licking and sucking, burying his cock in my mouth. He told me to get myself wet, and surprisingly while I was really turned on I wasn’t wet yet. I used a little lube and put a condom on his cock. He had me get on top.

I fucked him and I think the secret to a good fuck when you’re on top is just feeling how wonderful the cock feels inside of you, frantically rubbing your clit against his body, thrusting up and down on the hard cock. At times I felt a little physically tired, but my horniness and desire to please kept me going. When I felt tired I’d focus on approaching orgasm and soon I’d lose track of how tired my legs felt from rocking back and forth on top of him. I moaned and panted, so so close to orgasm. He told me to pace myself, that he didn’t want me to beg to come too soon. It was hard to pace myself when it felt so good. At one point I gasped out how good his cock felt inside of me. While I’m desperate to come it does feel absolutely amazing while he’s fucking me. He asked me if I’m his whore and I responded, “Yes, Sir, I’m your whore.” He continued with calling me a whore and god did it turn me on even more. I fucked him for what seemed like forever, but finally he let me come, with the warning that I was to make sure his cock doesn’t get pushed out. So I had to orgasm, while controlling my vaginal muscles. It was a challenge but I managed to come hard yet not push his cock out. Eventually it got pushed out, but I lasted a while.

It takes me a little while to calm down after an orgasm like that. I take deep breaths and I hold him close to me. The sex was so good last night I thought at times that possibly he would come from it. That is highly unusual. Unfortunately he didn’t come but feeling like he might was another incentive to keep on going past my physical limits.

We rested a bit, some bdsm porn played in the background on the laptop. I lovingly curled up against him, enjoying the sounds of a beating coming from the computer. I actually started stroking my wet pussy without being prompted. I was so horny that I hoped we could fuck some more. He noticed me playing with myself and asked if I wanted to fuck again. “Yes, Sir!” He had me get on hands and knees and he fucked me hard – he told me again to pace myself but then he’d fuck me hard and deep making it virtually impossible to keep myself from the edge of orgasm. It was deliciously cruel the way he’d tell me to calm down and then he’d fuck me hard. He makes me into such a horny, desperate mess. He’d grab my hips and touch me in places he knew would keep me revved up. Again, he let me come as long as I didn’t push his cock out. And he kept fucking me hard and deep while I came. It’s so wonderful when he keeps fucking me while I come – I often wish my vaginal muscles weren’t so strong and didn’t have that “auto-eject” feature. Eventually he was pushed out, and he pushed me forward so I was laying on my stomach. I kept coming and he kept telling me what a good little whore I am. He knows where to grab me and touch me (and what to say to me!) to keep me going. I kept coming long after the vaginal stimulation had ended.

I already felt really lucky to fuck twice in one night, but I was definitely up for more fucking if he was. (For a 54-year-old guy he does a great job at keeping up with me!) He used my new toy on me (review to come) – a Don Wand Curved Purple Swirl glass dildo. Each bit of the swirl would bump against my vagina as it thrusted in and out. It felt really good. He had me use my bullet vibe on my clit and again he brought me to an amazing orgasm. I’m really getting curious to see myself on videotape because I go off into another world when I come. I make so many noises and I can imagine I make a lot of interesting faces. He fucked me again, this time while I was on my back. He slapped my face a few times, called me a whore again which just drove me wild. (Funny how if someone else called me a whore I might take exception to it, but I am his whore and I do what he wants, so it’s wonderful when he calls me that.) Again, we had amazing sex and he let me come after making me wait a while. God, I’m so spoiled and lucky. He makes me come and come over and over again. And I’m such a horny girl that I just keep wanting more and more. I can keep my fingers crossed that today might hold more pleasures in store.

I’ll have postings later about sexy stuff. Right now I’m deep in thought about polyamory. Those who follow my twitter will know I went through an emotional maelstrom this weekend when I felt as if my heart had been broken. What had happened is that I had been dreaming of living with MasterDoc and he made it clear that this wasn’t going to happen. He also pointed out that while he loves me, my love for him is probably a bit more intense. The biggest problem lay in my reading of this, rather than what was said. I read it as, “I don’t really love you all that much, nor do I really want to be with you.” And thinking this absolutely broke my heart. I’ve fallen deeply in love with MasterDoc and I can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life, loving me back.

After 24 hours or so of crying, agony, and talking with MasterDoc, the issue managed to subside. Somehow he phrased things differently when we spoke on Saturday night than he had when we spoke on Friday night. And I came to realize that he loves me. He really does. And that my not moving in with him might not be entirely personal – he has various reasons for it. Some of the reasons are personal, and I will get to them in a minute.

Through all this talking also came up the fact that while focusing on MasterDoc I’ve really given Davey short shrift. I haven’t focused on my relationship with him in a while and that’s not fair – and not terribly poly of me. I really hurt Davey recently when I mentioned wanting to go live with MasterDoc rather than him. It seemed like I was intent on pinning down MasterDoc for a monogamous relationship and abandoning Davey and that’s not really something I want. I need to stop treating Davey like shit and start realizing how lucky I am to have two wonderful men in my life. They’re very different from each other, but both love me a great deal. Somehow I had forgotten exactly what polyamory was about – loving, genuinely loving, more than one person. I need to find a balance, and maybe then I can start working on the issues in my relationships with MasterDoc and Davey.

I have issues with jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity. These are ugly things and it doesn’t feel good to admit to them. I’m better able to be happy for Davey when he’s spent time with someone new who he likes, much less so with MasterDoc. Clearly, I’m more secure in my relationship with Davey. (Um, I could really be accused of taking him for granted.) But of course if I want poly to work (and I want to date other people myself) then I need to learn how to deal with these issues. Long ago I decided I didn’t like one of the other women who MasterDoc dates. Now I had met her once or twice and we didn’t really click, but the dislike came from something totally else – I felt threatened that maybe she wanted MasterDoc all to herself. I felt threatened that she would take him away from me some day. I’ve nursed this dislike along, rather than dealing with the real issue and it’s something that’s done nothing but make me unhappy and make MasterDoc unhappy.

It’s time for me to learn to deal with my insecurity. Insecurity is at the root of all my jealousy and possessiveness issues. I feel like I’m not good enough and so the person I love will decide to leave me for someone “better.” I act all clingy and jealous as a result and no one’s happy in the end. MasterDoc is very much a polyamorous person. It’s his true nature. He enjoys spending time with many women, and loving more than one at a time. I have to deal with this. I have to find a way to not feel insecure and to genuinely feel happy for him that he’s seeing someone cool and different. Polyamorists generally call this feeling compersion. But as long as I’m wallowing in jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity I feel nothing but miserable when he spends time with someone new. I’ve come to terms with him sometimes spending weekends with the woman I decided I didn’t like (disliking her rather unfairly as you can see) but when someone new comes along I freak out. A few weeks back when I was dealing with all sorts of issues that put my pussy out of commission, MasterDoc had the chance to invite over a woman who he had met at a couple of parties. I was so bent out of shape over this. I was angry because I hadn’t been able to have sex in a week, we had to cancel Dark Odyssey, and dammit, I wanted to have fun. And also, I worried, what if she’s a better submissive than I am? What if he falls in love with her? Will he leave me?

These little freakouts wind up making me miserable and MasterDoc pretty unhappy as well. I need to learn to deal with these feelings and to be more confident in myself (i.e., he loves me and isn’t going to leave me just because he has a nice time with some other nice woman). I need to learn to identify my jealousy and insecurity so I can deal with these feelings rather than freaking out, or trying to put limits on what MasterDoc can do (not going to happen!). He pointed out that there’s no way I could live with him as long as I have these issues running rampant. What if I came home and he was fucking another woman on the living room floor? Would I deal with it well and just say, “Hey have fun!” and go amuse myself off in the bedroom for a while? (Heh, I think I’d be more likely to see if I could join in, but anyway…) Or will I have a hissy fit and feel terribly inadequate and insecure? MasterDoc is going to fuck other women. He is going to date other women. This is a fact of being with him. If I lived with him and he decided to invite over that woman I’ve decided to dislike, what would I do? Would I graciously leave them to enjoy time together while I found other things to occupy my time? At this point in my life that is highly doubtful. How on earth could I ever live with him while I react like this?

So I’m determined to do a few things. I’m determined to learn to identify my jealousy and deal with it appropriately. (It will certainly take some trial and error.) I want to try to learn how to feel compersion. After all, I want my partners to feel good when I’ve had a nice time with someone else. It will make both myself and my partners happy if I can feel ok with them spending loving time with others, and hell, I want to be happy, not miserable. I’m going to try to get over my irrationally intense dislike of this other woman. I may never become best buddies with her, but I aim to feel neutral about her and her spending time with MasterDoc. I’m going to try to pay more attention to issues I’m having with Davey rather than giving up (MasterDoc has decided to intervene and try to do what he can to help). All this is a mountain of hard work, but god, if I want these men in my life I need to learn to be a better person. If I want to be poly, and I do, I need to learn that my partners being happy is cause for me to be happy, even if I’m not the one making them happy at that point in time. This will take time. In the meanwhile I’m going to do what any good librarian does and research the topic of polyamory and jealousy. I’ve dug out The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities and re-read the chapter on jealousy. I’m going to look through Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships for more advice. And I’m going to talk to other poly people I know to see how they deal with these things. I want my relationships to work. I need to get to working on them.

MasterDoc likes having sex in the living room. He can multi-porn in the living room – porn on the tv, porn on the laptop. He had two exercise mats when I first met him that he’d use for sex on the floor. One of the mats is gone now, and the other is a bit narrow for some good doggy-style fucking. So when I saw that Liberator had the Escape on sale I thought that would be the perfect addition to his living room. So I decided to splurge and MasterDoc persuaded me to get the king size by offering to pay a little towards the purchase. Now when we put on shows for people interested in bdsm we have a nice, large, cushy space to play. The microfiber cover feels so nice and velvety. Yes, I know I don’t have to review this product since I bought it myself, but I like sharing information about sex toys/furniture with my readers. After all, if I’m going to buy something expensive I sure as hell want to know ahead of time if it’s any good.

So last night we tried out the new mat (even without multi-porning – we were in the middle of watching a movie when we decided to pause it and fool around, so there was just porn on the laptop). He had me set up the laptop on the mat and I immediately went looking for porn. I decided on one called “Alice BDSM anal fuck.” Why yes, I was trying to hint at MasterDoc that I wanted anal, why do you ask? There had been some kissing, cuddling, stroking and whatnot while we were watching the movie, so I was pretty turned on by the time we got down to playing. He had me suck his cock for a while, getting it hard. I like when he grabs firm hold of my hair while I’m going down on him.  We fucked for a bit with me on top and I had a fantastic orgasm while he stroked my body in strategic places. We took a break.

I kept watching the porn, mesmerized and MasterDoc notices everything, “Would you liked to get fucked up the ass?” Yes please! So it was on with another condom and I lubed up my ass in the meantime. He barely got it in and got a few thrusts going, but his cock wasn’t quite hard enough for ass fucking. He relaxed on the couch while my ass yearned to be played with. He stroked himself, and decided that he’d like to come. Not only was he going to come but I was to catch his come in my mouth, and instead of swallowing it right away I was to hold it in my mouth to show him. I played with his ass while he stroked his cock, when he said it was time, I put my mouth up to his cock. Jets of come shot out onto my tongue. When he was finished coming, I showed him the come on my tongue. He then let me swallow it.

I lay back on the mat, still horny. (I can be insatiable at times lately. Once you get me going I just want to keep going and going and going.) I slowly make my way over to the toy bag, and pull out the bullet vibe. “May I masturbate, Sir?”

“You want more??” He let me, and had me get out a toy of my choice before I started. I went for the archer wand. (I love that toy. Just love it! The firm round glass balls at either end are perfect for nudging against my g-spot.) While I used the bullet vibe on my clit he lubed up the wand. He made his way over to between my legs and while I jerked off he slid the wand inside. He thrust it up against my g-spot and I was ready to come in no time. He gave me permission to come and come I did – the firm glass of the wand felt amazing inside me (and my auto-eject pussy didn’t push it out). The combination of wand and clitoral vibe is wonderful. Just wonderful. Finally, this horny slut was satisfied.

At some point in the evening, MasterDoc told me I was a really good fuck. This made me smile. Apparently I’m getting better and better at knowing how to please him and get him off. And he never fails to make me come hard – it’s a win-win situation. I’m very happy.

It’s so good to be feeling healthy again. I’m still a little congested but my doctor gave me a clean bill of health yesterday. Hooray! Just in time for the weather to get warmer around here. Granted, the temperatures in the 40’s we had yesterday aren’t exactly warm, but compared to the cold snap we had recently it was downright balmy. And it’s supposed to be warmer today and even warmer tomorrow. Hooray! More cold is expected over the weekend, but hopefully it will be the last snap before spring really gets here.

I love spring. It’s my favorite season, but we hardly get it in the northeast. It tends to go from cold to hot in a few short weeks. I love when it’s cool, but not cold, out and plant life starts springing to life again. It makes me feel happy, calm and a wee bit amorous.

Nothing much going on on the dating front. Still in touch with the Irishman, haven’t heard from the Latina and haven’t heard from the married guy (the one I knew was married…. the Irishman is the one I hadn’t known) but I emailed him today to say hi. I wonder what out of this will just peter out and what will actually turn into something. Time will tell. (A hackneyed phrase if there ever was one!)