Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Yesterday marked 2 years since the day MasterDoc and I first met in person. We didn’t get freaky that day but a couple of days later we did, and I blogged about him for the first time on August 2, 2007. One of the reasons I love having a blog is that I can read back and reminisce. If you read that old entry you’ll see that I said I wasn’t “wildly physically attracted to him” at first and he has never let me live that line down.

“There was that time you said I was fugly,” MasterDoc often brings up.

“I never said you were fugly! You’re not fugly!” I have since admitted that it wasn’t so much his looks not being for me but the fact that he was so much older than me. Yes, I realize that’s not much better. Ha ha. But I never thought he was fugly. Ever. And of course now that I love him dearly looking at him can turn me on something fierce. He is phenomenally sexy.

So you’d think we’d fuck like rabbits in commemoration of our first meeting, but he was tired and achy, and by the time we were naked and in bed I was tired as well. In the end, I went down on him for a while, and then he caressed me and “accessorized” while I masturbated with the Acuvibe Mini. I squirted on my Liberator Throe and was thankful I made sure to put it down under me first. Orgasms make me happy, and I was happy. Some nights full on sex just isn’t in the cards. And while I was really horny earlier in the day, I was totally content with how things went because, as I said, I was tired as well. We got in some quality cuddling time too.

Two happy years in my first D/s relationship. And hopefully there will be many more.

Another webcam shot, as I can’t access my old hard drive just yet.

Visit Osbasso to see everyone else’s Half Nekkid Thursday photos!

On Monday, I was feeling a bit blue. Suddenly biology got the better of me and I yearned for a baby. Me, the woman who for years proclaimed she didn’t want children, now suddenly yearns for one. I think it has a lot to do with being 36. My friend said I’ve got “the baby rabies” and she sure is right.

So I felt blue about it – not sure if, when or how I will have a child. I chatted online with MasterDoc and told him that I needed a beating. He was having dinner with his daughter that night, but if I wanted to hang out at his place until he was done he would give me a good beating when he got home.

He got home earlier than he planned, and so there was plenty of time for the beating. He got my collar and a bunch of implements and had me kneel on a pillow on the living room floor, leaning over the arm chair. My body was in the mood for a beating – most of the blows that fell on me felt soothing and rhythmic. He alternated flogging, bare hand spanking, the crop, etc. His hands can sometimes be the harshest implements. I would get into subspace and feel lulled by the strikes. But then he’d ramp it up a bit, and pain would set in – stinging pain. I’d start moaning and crying out. He’s excellent at judging how far he can push by listening to the noises I make.

He had me lean up a bit and he took the flogger to my upper back. It’s a solid thud that reverberates through my chest. I wondered if perhaps this would manage to bruise me, but unfortunately I was totally mark-free the next day. He spanked my ass more and returned to my upper back again later. The beating felt cleansing, soothing, and put me in a delightful sub space. He would stroke my back with his hand now and then, sometimes feel between my thighs to see if I was wet. I felt distinctly aroused and at times like I could come with only the slightest of stimulation to my genitals.

When he was done, about 10 minutes later, he was a little winded (it’s work!) and sat down on the other arm chair. I stood up and faced him, and shyly asked if I could have a cuddle. While the beating is therapeutic, I do need a bit of aftercare to complete the process. I squeezed into the chair with him, and my butt felt divinely sore. (When I got up later he pointed out how very red it was.) I was giddy and feeling romantic as I cuddled up to him. Vanilla people can’t comprehend, but that beating was an intimate, loving, sexual experience for me. I didn’t have an orgasm or any of the “usual” types of sexual stimulation, but I felt satisfied after. I woke up the next morning in a great mood.

Tonight, talking on the phone with MasterDoc I pointed out that as of tomorrow (Thursday) it is exactly 2 years since the day we met. “That’s so sweet, that’s romantic!” he exclaimed, followed by, “Remind me to piss in your mouth to celebrate.”

I burst out laughing. For while he surely will piss in my mouth one day, this was hopefully one of those times he says it for affect.

And yet again I fall behind in blogging. I get frustrated when I try to recount things that have happened a few days ago, as details that would have been included had I blogged immediately after are lost.

Saturday night was a usual night in for us. We lay on the bed and watched some kinky porn on the laptop. He lays on his side in front of the laptop, I lay with my head down the other end of the bed and my legs spread so that my pussy is within reach/sight of him. I could feel myself getting aroused, and he asked me why I wasn’t touching myself. I don’t know, sometimes I just enjoy getting horny watching the porn. He used the Acuvibe Mini on me as I continued to watch the porn intently. I was getting really worked up when, unfortunately, the Acuvibe began to run down. The vibrations slowed in intensity. It was barely noticeable to him at first, but I could tell the difference immediately. Sadly, I haven’t yet figured out exactly how long the Acuvibe runs on a single charge. I put it aside and recharged it the next day.

He decided to fuck me then, and I’m pretty sure I was wet. I felt eager for his cock to be inside me. I’m on hands and knees and he fucks me, bringing me to the edge of orgasm. The familiar moans I make when really aroused escaped my lips. I’m sure he knows from the sounds that I could come at pretty much any time. He keeps fucking me, teasing me, while he watches the porn on the laptop.

I start begging for orgasm. It’s just a few short “please” out of my mouth at first, but it soon builds to actual begging. I’m about ready to explode when he tells me to come – and he shoves his hard cock deep inside me and holds it in there as my pussy starts to contract. I’m coming, but also worried that my pussy might push him out. The harder I come, the more my vaginal muscles clamp down. I love feeling him push against me, keeping his cock inside for as long as possible. Alas my muscles win out and push his cock out, so he slaps my pussy, keeping me coming. I start to squirt quite a bit, and he quickly grabs the Fascinator Throe to put under me. It was a little bit late, the sheets got wet, but the Throe did suck up a lot of the moisture.

I was exhausted by the time he had me stop coming. I managed to fall forward onto the bed and rest for a few minutes while I tried to gather my wits about me. “Thank you, Sir,” I told him when I was capable of speech again.

After a short rest, he had me suck his cock hard through the condom that was still on. I’m quite the eager little cocksucker these days and I loved doing it. He had me get on top for a ride and I rode his cock until he gave me permission to come. I was a very happy girl after all this.

On Sunday, he gave me a sybian ride in the afternoon because he was planning to cam with DeeDee that night and my role in that was to pleasure him until he came. He’s amazingly good at manning the controls of the sybian. He made me come and come, timing the orgasms I had. I was well nigh exhausted when he stopped – I’m sure he could tell I was tiring out. It turns out I had been coming only for 2 solid minutes. He thinks we need to work me up to longer. I gingerly climbed off the sybian and collapsed on the floor. I lay there for a while after, while DeeDee called and told us a story about another Dom she had been chatting with online.

That night things didn’t go quite as planned as DeeDee’s daughter was home and she was unable to cam. Instead, he watched porn while I pleasured him. I started out sucking his cock – I can’t get enough of it lately and I love seeing just how far down my throat I can get it. Next, he had me move so I was on the other side of him. He stroked his cock while I used my lubed fingers to massage his ass. He likes a firm massage of the muscle of his buttocks and the area around the anus. He next had me lube up the Love Pacifier and slowly slide it into his ass. I played with it, pressing it towards his prostate. He gave me instructions and I followed, and it was such a great payoff when he came. I keep on playing with his ass while he comes and he quivers and keeps coming for a while. Since I was behind him, I didn’t get to see the cum shoot out of him but I could still tell he had a really nice orgasm. I was able to go to bed that night with a sense of satisfaction.

I’m sure if you read sex blogs, you’ve heard nothing but good things about Liberator’s products. I enjoyed the Scoop/Wedge combo I received a while back (and use the Wedge pretty regularly), I love the Escape I bought and use it regularly. Now I have another Liberator product I’ll use all the time – their sex blanket, the Fascinator Throe.

If you’re a woman who squirts, you know how much of a mess it can be when you do so. The pillow under your ass, the towel you put down – all get soaked. Towels have a tendency to soak through with a really good squirt. The mattress and sheets get wet – it’s a mess. But with the Fascinator Throe, you just put it down and it slurps up all the moisture. Really. It’s waterproof in the middle – and the outside is a soft microfiber (shag also available) on one side and satin on the other. Moisture does not get through to your pillow/mattress/sheets. It’s bloody amazing. Not only is it soft and lovely to lay on, but it provides an impermeable barrier. You can have sex on your nice sofa without worry, just put the Throe down.

To wash, you toss it into the washing machine and dryer. Simple! So whether you need to soak up lady juices or guy cum, the Throe is there to do the job. It’s available in many colors, but I got black to match my Escape and Scoop/Wedge.

Special thanks to Liberator for letting me review this!

Still can’t access my new photos off my old laptop. So for now I’m playing with my new built in webcam. (No, don’t ask me to cam with you.)

Visit Osbasso to see everyone else’s Half Nekkid Thursday photos!

MasterDoc and I played a bit last night. My mind has been racing lately with really dirty, fucked up fantasies. I keep hoping for stuff I don’t really hope for. I guess I should explain that. Lately I find that I get hot thinking about MasterDoc making me do things I don’t really want to do. In the back of my mind is a secret wish for him to get out the clover clamps, or pee on me and such. It seems like the dirtier and more intense, the more I want it. And yet, I’ve been so afraid to ask for it because then I have to endure stuff I’m not fond of. But of course, the hot part is that I’d be doing it because he makes me do it. I want to feel fear. I want to feel the strain of forcing myself to do something I detest. I want to feel that he truly has control over me.

He stroked my body and played with my nipples a bit. He caressed my face just before coming up with the wicked idea that he’ll take me to see his Domme friend sometime soon. She’s apparently quite the sadist, and he says that he’d like to see how far I have to be pushed before I beg for it to stop. With him I might feel like I’m letting him down if I beg to stop (on rare occasions I have though… once or twice) so it might be better with his friend. Of course he’d be there to be a part of things, probably stroking my face, helping me breathe slowly to take as much of the pain as I can.

And while this scares me, and I know I’ll be nervous when it comes to pass, I am also wildly turned on by this.

Heh, I remember the days when I didn’t consider myself a pain slut. I just didn’t have the right person to play with before I think.

He slapped my face a bit and played with my body some more. He looked at me, said, “You’re smiling too much. Thinking good thoughts?” Just as I got the words, “Yes Sir” out, he started slapping my thighs. Not lightly, but really hard so that I tensed up and my face scrunched up in pain. He told me I didn’t have enough fear. After the thigh slaps and some pussy slaps, I certainly wasn’t smiling any more.

He started playing with my clit and got between my legs to lick it. Oh I shivvered with delight. His tongue, slowly lapping at my clit, felt amazing. My breathing became shallow and I could feel the slow climb to orgasm start. I think it’s ridiculous that some people say Doms don’t/shouldn’t do oral on their subs. I am putty in his hands as he licks my cunt. He lay next to me, and played with my clit with his fingers. He’d dip down into my wetness to make sure that my clit stayed properly lubricated. My eyes closed involuntarily and my breath came in short pants. This went on for a while, and I could feel myself ready to come. When he told me I could come, I cried out and came hard. He kept playing with my cunt and I was uncontrollably turned on under his expert fingers. I orgasmed for quite a while. He seemed happy that he got me away from the magic wand for a change and that I came no less hard using just his fingers.

We took a break, and when we started up again I got to suck his cock. Lately I find myself getting really turned on and really into sucking his cock. I moan with delight, slurp, salivate and get as active as possible in sliding my mouth up and down the length of his shaft. I find lately that I yearn for him to grab my head during and make me choke on his cock. My fantasies have been getting decidedly rougher and more intense.

He had me get on top for a ride and I stroked his cock with my pussy by moving my hips back and forth. I get lost in what I’m doing, and soon all that exists for me is my cunt, and his cock and perhaps my clit rubbing against this tummy. It seemed like I rode him for a long time, keeping my arousal high but not coming. When I was allowed to come, my cunt pushed his cock out and I fell forward onto him and continued coming as he held me. I do wish my cunt wouldn’t push his cock out though – coming while filled up is a wonderful feeling.

I’m a bit nervous now that I’ve started to voice my twisted fantasies here. While I yearn for them I also am a little afraid of them, and I think the fear is part of what makes me aroused.

I’m feeling much, much better today. After my post yesterday I talked to MasterDoc. It wasn’t easy for me to open up, but I am so very glad I did. I cried, he held me and listened. He promised me that he would never let anything like that happen to me again. And I know that having his protection has made a huge difference in my being able to swing again. Even when I get to go to a party without my collar, and choose my own partners, it really helps to have MasterDoc there because I know he watches out for me. (And it’s sad to say, but he does a better job looking out for me than I do.)

I am still bewildered to get an apology from someone who was there that night. I never expected such a thing to happen. I suffered so much pain the past four years thinking that no one from that night would ever say to me, “What happened to you was wrong,” that they would never express support. If there are others out there who feel the same way, I hope that they come across me again and don’t hesitate to tell me. It does make a difference knowing that that vile dickhead who assaulted me is not supported by everyone. (These days it looks like he’s supported by fewer and fewer people all the time. Huzzah.)

I like the word survivor for someone who’s come through sexual assault/abuse/rape. It is how I see myself, I am not a victim, I am someone who survived something I never should have gone through. But I am a happy, smart, sexy woman with a lot to bring to this world. While I get the feeling of being alone, in reality I am supported by such a huge circle of people. I am lucky. I will prevail.

I’m afraid this isn’t going to be an erotic post. I’ve been feeling triggered the past couple of days and so I’m not in a good mind-space right now. When I say triggered, it’s in reference to the sexual assault that happened to me four years ago. Sometimes I can talk to friends about it and be fine, but sometimes it triggers all sorts of horrible feelings. (If you want details, you can search for the category “assault” on this blog.)
So these feelings have been lingering – fear, anxiety, depression, feeling unsafe, feeling unsettled. I feel like I want to talk about it with someone, but I get so paralyzed with fear that I won’t be listened to again, that I won’t get my feelings validated. So I’ve spent today feeling paralyzed and introverted with depression. It’s not rational, but it’s overwhelming.

However, it’s not all been bad. Last night, MasterDoc decided that in my current state, since it was on my mind anyway, it was the appropriate time to show me an email that was sent via him, for me, about a month ago. Someone on fetlife discovered my profile, enjoyed my blog, but had a nagging feeling he had met me. Digging back in my blog it came to him – he was there the night I was assaulted.

He went through MasterDoc because he didn’t want to contact me out of the blue, didn’t want to be triggering, didn’t want to upset me. But he really, really wanted to be able to say – I’m sorry. He wanted to apologize for not speaking up, for not realizing that things were indeed as bad as they were. It was his first sex party you see, and so when others there defended the issue saying everything was merely a “misunderstanding” he uncomfortably accepted that. He didn’t know any better.

In the midst of my current angst, I have had waves of blessed relief. Relief that someone there has finally said that what happened to me was wrong, and that they are sorry it happened. Relief that my feelings have been validated. It’s something I didn’t really ever expect to happen. First, last summer my friend from that period wrote to apologize for not speaking up more, and now this. Amazing. Validation is so important.

I don’t want to downplay the support and love I received during that period of time from my boyfriend Davey, my friend Christopher, and various other friends who weren’t there that night either. But I had to sever all ties with anyone I knew from those parties because no one would say what happened was wrong. (The aforementioned female friend did think it was wrong, but she wasn’t prepared to get into a whole shit storm with the guy who assaulted me. I have to say that it takes just a simple apology for me to forgive people who were there. It’s not an easy situation to be in, you don’t want to believe that you just witnessed something that will change a person’s life forever. They’re human. While I felt very alone during that period, I can understand that it’s not easy to speak up about. People make mistakes. Apologies do a lot to heal.)

So while this letter was welcome and very healing in many ways, I’m still feeling triggered today anyway. It can take a while to get past it. I went out last night with MasterDoc and our friend S., and I just felt really unsafe and clingy towards MasterDoc. I couldn’t enjoy myself as much as I wanted to. I was really afraid of getting sexually involved with a man I didn’t know.I did manage to let MasterDoc know that I really needed to be taken care of.

Hopefully after writing this and getting my thoughts organized I’ll be able to talk with MasterDoc about this.

MasterDoc spent a while, perhaps a month? two? I’m not sure, talking online with a potential sub from a few states away. This past Monday, she had the opportunity to visit, and from what I understand they had a really fun time, all day long, while I was at work. Of course, while at work I didn’t really want to hear about the good time they were having with the Hitachi Magic Wand while I was stuck at my job, but I am glad that they had fun. That night, I went over to MasterDoc’s and joined them. This was the first time I’d met DeeDee, and since she and I didn’t talk online I knew very little about her. I found myself feeling a bit shy, which may seem a bit unusual considering the amount of total strangers I’ve fucked. But I think perhaps the fact that she would be someone who’d come around again made me nervous. With a one-off person if I don’t like them or they don’t like me it doesn’t matter much. But if someone’s going to be a submissive to MasterDoc it’s certainly preferable if we get along. I may have also been shy because I knew that she didn’t have experience with women, although granted she had a strong curiosity. At any rate, we got along well.

MasterDoc was practically giddy, he was so happy to have two lovely women attending to him. As he had DeeDee suck his cock (I’m told she’s skilled at it innately) he grinned at me and had me come in for a hug. It’s funny, because MasterDoc, as a Dom, will play the misogynist pretty often. (Such as, “Eh, next time I let the cunt take the bus!”) But in reality, he loves women. Absolutely loves them. All his close friends are women, he spends his free time pretty much exclusively with women, and he loves wooing new women. When surrounded by women, MasterDoc is in his element. And he is very good at making women feel special, even while fucking them roughly and calling them cunt. Underneath the faux-misogynist comments, which could be misunderstood by someone who doesn’t know him, he’s a gentleman. Very much a gentleman. I hope I didn’t just reveal his deep, dark secret.

Back to the story: MasterDoc was really happy, and it was nice to see him so glad. While I felt shy that night and it took some urging to get me involved, ultimately it was really fun sharing cock sucking duties with DeeDee, and the two of us massaged his body. I enjoyed watching him fuck her. I get a certain pleasure from seeing him with another submissive woman, because the things he says during are the same things he says to me – and I can put myself in her place easily. I was also involved, as I used the Acuvibe Mini on her clit while he fucked her.

He had us lay next to each other on the mat on the floor, and play with ourselves. He used the crop on our thighs for a bit and took a set of nipple clamps and joined one nipple on each of us to the other woman’s nipple. He toyed with the chain between them, and the pain felt divine. Then he encouraged us to touch each other with our free arm. I didn’t know exactly what he meant, so I just dove in and started massaging her clit. Hee hee. While I was shy in some ways I certainly broke the ice there! DeeDee played with my breasts. She commented on how different it was to feel another woman’s breasts. She touched my cunt and asked me to tell her what I liked since she was new to this. I told her that fairly direct contact on my clit is good, and she was a little unsure where precisely the clit was. MasterDoc got into teacher mode and gave her an external female anatomy lesson – using me as the model. I’m sure she’s not the only adult woman who isn’t well-versed in female anatomy, and that is sad. It’s still so taboo that if you don’t run in sex-positive circles (or you’re not experienced at being bisexual or lesbian) you might not get the chance to learn this. She rubbed my clit, and MasterDoc added some lube. He slid his fingers inside me, and soon my eyes were closed and I was breathing heavy and moaning. It’s nice to have both penetration and clitoral stimulation at once. They continued, MasterDoc probing at my g-spot, until I asked permission to come. As usual, I came loud and long.

DeeDee thanked me after and said that I made her first time with a woman very comfortable. And I was thrilled to hear that, I like people to feel comfortable.

She had to go a short while later, and MasterDoc and I had dinner after she left. Later on, he decided that he wanted to come, and I played with his ass until he stroked himself to climax. I must be growing up a little and becoming less self-centered, because I genuinely derived great pleasure out of helping him come. Seeing him feel really good felt really good for me. Perhaps I’m finally getting over being a bit of a pillow princess.