Archive for the 'anxiety' Category

Calm, Serene

Published
by
Nadia
on July 19, 2009
in anxiety, assault, emotions, optimism, recovery and trauma
. 0 Comments

I’m feeling much, much better today. After my post yesterday I talked to MasterDoc. It wasn’t easy for me to open up, but I am so very glad I did. I cried, he held me and listened. He promised me that he would never let anything like that happen to me again. And I know that having his protection has made a huge difference in my being able to swing again. Even when I get to go to a party without my collar, and choose my own partners, it really helps to have MasterDoc there because I know he watches out for me. (And it’s sad to say, but he does a better job looking out for me than I do.)

I am still bewildered to get an apology from someone who was there that night. I never expected such a thing to happen. I suffered so much pain the past four years thinking that no one from that night would ever say to me, “What happened to you was wrong,” that they would never express support. If there are others out there who feel the same way, I hope that they come across me again and don’t hesitate to tell me. It does make a difference knowing that that vile dickhead who assaulted me is not supported by everyone. (These days it looks like he’s supported by fewer and fewer people all the time. Huzzah.)

I like the word survivor for someone who’s come through sexual assault/abuse/rape. It is how I see myself, I am not a victim, I am someone who survived something I never should have gone through. But I am a happy, smart, sexy woman with a lot to bring to this world. While I get the feeling of being alone, in reality I am supported by such a huge circle of people. I am lucky. I will prevail.

The Past Comes Back Again

Published
by
Nadia
on July 18, 2009
in Uncategorized, anxiety, assault, depression, emotions, recovery and sex parties
. 2 Comments

I’m afraid this isn’t going to be an erotic post. I’ve been feeling triggered the past couple of days and so I’m not in a good mind-space right now. When I say triggered, it’s in reference to the sexual assault that happened to me four years ago. Sometimes I can talk to friends about it and be fine, but sometimes it triggers all sorts of horrible feelings. (If you want details, you can search for the category “assault” on this blog.)
So these feelings have been lingering - fear, anxiety, depression, feeling unsafe, feeling unsettled. I feel like I want to talk about it with someone, but I get so paralyzed with fear that I won’t be listened to again, that I won’t get my feelings validated. So I’ve spent today feeling paralyzed and introverted with depression. It’s not rational, but it’s overwhelming.

However, it’s not all been bad. Last night, MasterDoc decided that in my current state, since it was on my mind anyway, it was the appropriate time to show me an email that was sent via him, for me, about a month ago. Someone on fetlife discovered my profile, enjoyed my blog, but had a nagging feeling he had met me. Digging back in my blog it came to him - he was there the night I was assaulted.

He went through MasterDoc because he didn’t want to contact me out of the blue, didn’t want to be triggering, didn’t want to upset me. But he really, really wanted to be able to say - I’m sorry. He wanted to apologize for not speaking up, for not realizing that things were indeed as bad as they were. It was his first sex party you see, and so when others there defended the issue saying everything was merely a “misunderstanding” he uncomfortably accepted that. He didn’t know any better.

In the midst of my current angst, I have had waves of blessed relief. Relief that someone there has finally said that what happened to me was wrong, and that they are sorry it happened. Relief that my feelings have been validated. It’s something I didn’t really ever expect to happen. First, last summer my friend from that period wrote to apologize for not speaking up more, and now this. Amazing. Validation is so important.

I don’t want to downplay the support and love I received during that period of time from my boyfriend Davey, my friend Christopher, and various other friends who weren’t there that night either. But I had to sever all ties with anyone I knew from those parties because no one would say what happened was wrong. (The aforementioned female friend did think it was wrong, but she wasn’t prepared to get into a whole shit storm with the guy who assaulted me. I have to say that it takes just a simple apology for me to forgive people who were there. It’s not an easy situation to be in, you don’t want to believe that you just witnessed something that will change a person’s life forever. They’re human. While I felt very alone during that period, I can understand that it’s not easy to speak up about. People make mistakes. Apologies do a lot to heal.)

So while this letter was welcome and very healing in many ways, I’m still feeling triggered today anyway. It can take a while to get past it. I went out last night with MasterDoc and our friend S., and I just felt really unsafe and clingy towards MasterDoc. I couldn’t enjoy myself as much as I wanted to. I was really afraid of getting sexually involved with a man I didn’t know.I did manage to let MasterDoc know that I really needed to be taken care of.

Hopefully after writing this and getting my thoughts organized I’ll be able to talk with MasterDoc about this.

Struggling with Polyamory

Published
by
Nadia
on March 23, 2009
in Uncategorized, anxiety, commitment, depression, derangement, happy, non-monogamy and poly
. 2 Comments

I’ll have postings later about sexy stuff. Right now I’m deep in thought about polyamory. Those who follow my twitter will know I went through an emotional maelstrom this weekend when I felt as if my heart had been broken. What had happened is that I had been dreaming of living with MasterDoc and he made it clear that this wasn’t going to happen. He also pointed out that while he loves me, my love for him is probably a bit more intense. The biggest problem lay in my reading of this, rather than what was said. I read it as, “I don’t really love you all that much, nor do I really want to be with you.” And thinking this absolutely broke my heart. I’ve fallen deeply in love with MasterDoc and I can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life, loving me back.

After 24 hours or so of crying, agony, and talking with MasterDoc, the issue managed to subside. Somehow he phrased things differently when we spoke on Saturday night than he had when we spoke on Friday night. And I came to realize that he loves me. He really does. And that my not moving in with him might not be entirely personal - he has various reasons for it. Some of the reasons are personal, and I will get to them in a minute.

Through all this talking also came up the fact that while focusing on MasterDoc I’ve really given Davey short shrift. I haven’t focused on my relationship with him in a while and that’s not fair - and not terribly poly of me. I really hurt Davey recently when I mentioned wanting to go live with MasterDoc rather than him. It seemed like I was intent on pinning down MasterDoc for a monogamous relationship and abandoning Davey and that’s not really something I want. I need to stop treating Davey like shit and start realizing how lucky I am to have two wonderful men in my life. They’re very different from each other, but both love me a great deal. Somehow I had forgotten exactly what polyamory was about - loving, genuinely loving, more than one person. I need to find a balance, and maybe then I can start working on the issues in my relationships with MasterDoc and Davey.

I have issues with jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity. These are ugly things and it doesn’t feel good to admit to them. I’m better able to be happy for Davey when he’s spent time with someone new who he likes, much less so with MasterDoc. Clearly, I’m more secure in my relationship with Davey. (Um, I could really be accused of taking him for granted.) But of course if I want poly to work (and I want to date other people myself) then I need to learn how to deal with these issues. Long ago I decided I didn’t like one of the other women who MasterDoc dates. Now I had met her once or twice and we didn’t really click, but the dislike came from something totally else - I felt threatened that maybe she wanted MasterDoc all to herself. I felt threatened that she would take him away from me some day. I’ve nursed this dislike along, rather than dealing with the real issue and it’s something that’s done nothing but make me unhappy and make MasterDoc unhappy.

It’s time for me to learn to deal with my insecurity. Insecurity is at the root of all my jealousy and possessiveness issues. I feel like I’m not good enough and so the person I love will decide to leave me for someone “better.” I act all clingy and jealous as a result and no one’s happy in the end. MasterDoc is very much a polyamorous person. It’s his true nature. He enjoys spending time with many women, and loving more than one at a time. I have to deal with this. I have to find a way to not feel insecure and to genuinely feel happy for him that he’s seeing someone cool and different. Polyamorists generally call this feeling compersion. But as long as I’m wallowing in jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity I feel nothing but miserable when he spends time with someone new. I’ve come to terms with him sometimes spending weekends with the woman I decided I didn’t like (disliking her rather unfairly as you can see) but when someone new comes along I freak out. A few weeks back when I was dealing with all sorts of issues that put my pussy out of commission, MasterDoc had the chance to invite over a woman who he had met at a couple of parties. I was so bent out of shape over this. I was angry because I hadn’t been able to have sex in a week, we had to cancel Dark Odyssey, and dammit, I wanted to have fun. And also, I worried, what if she’s a better submissive than I am? What if he falls in love with her? Will he leave me?

These little freakouts wind up making me miserable and MasterDoc pretty unhappy as well. I need to learn to deal with these feelings and to be more confident in myself (i.e., he loves me and isn’t going to leave me just because he has a nice time with some other nice woman). I need to learn to identify my jealousy and insecurity so I can deal with these feelings rather than freaking out, or trying to put limits on what MasterDoc can do (not going to happen!). He pointed out that there’s no way I could live with him as long as I have these issues running rampant. What if I came home and he was fucking another woman on the living room floor? Would I deal with it well and just say, “Hey have fun!” and go amuse myself off in the bedroom for a while? (Heh, I think I’d be more likely to see if I could join in, but anyway…) Or will I have a hissy fit and feel terribly inadequate and insecure? MasterDoc is going to fuck other women. He is going to date other women. This is a fact of being with him. If I lived with him and he decided to invite over that woman I’ve decided to dislike, what would I do? Would I graciously leave them to enjoy time together while I found other things to occupy my time? At this point in my life that is highly doubtful. How on earth could I ever live with him while I react like this?

So I’m determined to do a few things. I’m determined to learn to identify my jealousy and deal with it appropriately. (It will certainly take some trial and error.) I want to try to learn how to feel compersion. After all, I want my partners to feel good when I’ve had a nice time with someone else. It will make both myself and my partners happy if I can feel ok with them spending loving time with others, and hell, I want to be happy, not miserable. I’m going to try to get over my irrationally intense dislike of this other woman. I may never become best buddies with her, but I aim to feel neutral about her and her spending time with MasterDoc. I’m going to try to pay more attention to issues I’m having with Davey rather than giving up (MasterDoc has decided to intervene and try to do what he can to help). All this is a mountain of hard work, but god, if I want these men in my life I need to learn to be a better person. If I want to be poly, and I do, I need to learn that my partners being happy is cause for me to be happy, even if I’m not the one making them happy at that point in time. This will take time. In the meanwhile I’m going to do what any good librarian does and research the topic of polyamory and jealousy. I’ve dug out The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities and re-read the chapter on jealousy. I’m going to look through Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships for more advice. And I’m going to talk to other poly people I know to see how they deal with these things. I want my relationships to work. I need to get to working on them.

Sticking Point

Published
by
Nadia
on December 2, 2008
in D/s, anxiety, dom and submissive
. 5 Comments

I try to write honestly here about D/s. I try to relate my experiences with it - the good and the bad. This week I hit a rough spot when MasterDoc told me that he was going to use my brand new underbed restraints with someone else. I had a problem with this for two reasons - 1) I want to be the first person to use any new toys of mine. After all, it’s mine and what I want should count for something, and 2) I am obligated to write a review of these restraints for Babeland, and should anything go awry with the first use how could I try them out and review them afterward? He knew this would bother me because I’m not friends with the woman he was going to use them with, but he didn’t realize just how upset I’d become. I was eaten up all the rest of Friday thinking about this and how much I didn’t want it to happen. I called him that night to convey that I was “really really upset” and he agreed to not use the restraints. However, we have a talk planned next time we have a chunk of time together. When I talked about it a little online with him the other night (I was in an all-around grumpy mood, ready to pounce on anything bothering me. Being premenstrual undoubtely plays a part, although it’s certainly not the only reason.) he told me that he expected me to change my attitude dramatically.

“So you want me to say it’s fine that you use them with (this woman)?”

“Exactly!” he says, and declares the subject closed for the time being. Not willing to submit on this one I declare that I will start taking my toys home if this is how it’s going to be. He scolded me for continuing the conversation when he declared it over and told me I was to call him Sir throughout the rest of the time we spoke that night. Grrr. I did so, putting as much insolence into the word Sir as I possibly can via the internet. What’s this about submissives being compliant doormats? I can be stubborn. I can be combative. Sometimes I just don’t want to submit. I feel so strongly about this issue that I’m not willing to back down. Of course, this runs contrary to what he wants. I’m partly waiting in anticipation for the conversation, because I would feel better with this resolved somehow; however, I’m also afraid of it because odds are usually quite good that he will persuade me to let him have his way. But if he has his way with this topic, I will feel resentful and angry. Neither of which is conducive to a strong, happy relationship. Neither of which will produce a happy, willing submissive.
He’s used my toys before without asking me, and I objected. He managed to persuade me to let him with the promise that he’d replace anything lost or broken. But in some cases I don’t want to have to replace the toy in question. My crop was a birthday present for my 30th from two very dear friends of mine, and I doubt Babeland still carries that particular style crop. My crop is currently missing. Last time it went missing it was left at this woman’s house. I have no idea where it might be now, but I couldn’t find it around his place last I was there. I’m frustrated when my toys aren’t around to be used with me. They’re mine. It may sound selfish but dammit, this isn’t the playground where I have to make nice and share my toys with the other kiddies. I did not give up my rights to my possessions when I signed on to be his submissive. Clearly this is something for us to negotiate. (His initial argument, by the way, has been that I should be pleased to lend him something that will give him pleasure. I can’t feel pleased when it’s brand new and I haven’t had a chance to use it yet. I just can’t.)
So in the meantime I feel unhappy, because this really needs resolution and resolution is at least a few days off. I feel off-kilter in regards to my relationship with him. I saw him briefly today for the first time in over a week, and while I was happy to cuddle with him the issue at hand just gnawed at me. I’m so afraid of being coerced to submit to something I really don’t want to submit to. The main sticking point is the newness of the toy, although this brings up lots of contrary feelings in me and I start thinking about how I don’t want him to use my toys with someone I’m not friends with. I feel different when he wants to use the toys with S. I’m good friends with her and happy to lend a toy to her fun. This other woman is vaguely an acquaintance. I feel no connection to her. I don’t feel I should be obligated to share my stuff with her.
I’m sure he’ll have a stern comment to leave on this post. But my blog has always been a place where I’m supposed to be allowed to say what I think and not censor myself. I really needed to get this off my chest.

I can’t escape

Published
by
Nadia
on May 2, 2007
in anxiety and assault
. 0 Comments

While catching up on the sexy blogs I like to read (Bondage Blog, Spanking Blog and Eros Blog) I stumbled across the pseudonym of the guy who assaulted me. I can’t fucking escape him! Sounds like he’s still busy seducing much younger women. Whatta scuzz as someone once commented on this blog. (Still curious to know who left that comment. Anyone, anyone, Bueller?) I suppose he has to get them while they’re naive. Very few people on this planet disgust me like he does. Scum.

Otherwise I’m hanging in there. Still ups and downs with free-floating anxiety. My therapist has the theory that since things are going well and I’m feeling strong that my subconscious is dredging up stuff to deal with now that I have the strength. Doesn’t sound too far fetched actually. I’m trying to take the tranquilizer only when absolutely needed. Tempted to now after having the assault dredged up again, but I think I’m strong enough to ride this out. I refuse to let him lower my quality of life any more. Bastard.

Welcome to my Anxiety Closet

Published
by
Nadia
on February 25, 2007
in anxiety, latina and stress
. 0 Comments

I seem extra anxious this week. I worry about every little thing. Sometimes that worrying is rooted in a valid worry - i.e., the Irishman is married just as my gut feeling told me and I don’t know for sure if he’s telling the truth about it being an open marriage or if he’s lying to me. Other worries, are less rooted in reality.

I got an email from the Latina. A long friendly one where she takes the time to address anything I mentioned in my last email from a few days ago. She addresses one issue and at first I read it as her being ok with the idea of some risk. I was overjoyed and ran into the kitchen to tell Davey. But then, I started overthinking her words and wondered if I read it right. I had Davey read the email and he insists I’m just being paranoid. I’ve re-read the email and half the time I think I’m being paranoid the other half of the time I think I interpreted her words wrong the first time. *sigh* She leaves in a few days on vacation, so I hope that I hear back from her before then so I can put my fears to rest and know what the deal is.

I’m such a worrier. I hate this. I used to scoff at my grandmother when she’d worry about any and everything, but meanwhile I’m not all that different than she is. I think I’m going through a particularly anxious time right now, and that at another point in time I’d be on a more even keel. I’m starting to wonder if my meds are exactly right for me or if they need further tweaking. Or better yet, if I just need to find a way to work through being anxious all the time.

Downhill

Published
by
Nadia
on February 21, 2007
in anxiety, assault, rape and stress
. 0 Comments

The week seems to be going downhill, in stark contrast to how happy and optimistic I felt last weekend. Granted, I think having memories of the assault triggered have put me in a funk, and I’m probably looking at this much more darkly than I should. I just want to move on and not have it affect my life anymore!

I mentioned to J. how the assault came up in conversation with L. and his email back included the sentence, “Tell me more about the assault.” So now I’m thinking, “Great, this will somehow be a strike against me. He won’t want to fool around with someone who is willing to say that someone assaulted her. He’s probably worried that one wrong move and I’d say the same thing about him.” And that’s not the case. I’ve been coerced and pressured into sex more times than I can count, but I only count one time as rape and one time as assault. Both those instances were clearly above and beyond the others. At least with pressure and coercion I made the choice to give in. There was still choice involved. With the rape and the assault, my option to choose was taken away from me.

I’m a world-class worrier, like my grandmother was, so telling me to just chill and not worry won’t work. I’m trying to stop worrying. I know I’m making this into a bigger deal than it probably is. I wish I could just put that goddamned assault behind me permanently. All that work in therapy, I seemed to be much better (hell, I’m horny as I sit here and write this - something I didn’t feel much of for a while) and now it’s come up to the surface again, like a floating mass of pond scum from the depths. I need an extra strong filter to get rid of it, asap.

I just want to be my happy-go-lucky, slutty, horny self again. I’m almost there - in some ways I’m there. But I need to get past these current hurdles.

Post Post Post Traumatic Stress

Published
by
Nadia
on February 20, 2007
in anxiety, stress and trauma
. 0 Comments

As recent as early Monday, I blogged here that “life is good.” Today I feel like life is shit.

No, that’s not entirely true, but I’m feeling free floating anxiety that threatens to keep me awake tonight despite medication to help me sleep. One degree of separation from the man who assaulted me was too close for comfort. And wondering where J. (the Irishman) has gone to as he hasn’t emailed me since Saturday even has me feeling dark.

I fucking hate drama. Maybe I’d be smart to not date. Just stick with Davey and have done with it. But then I don’t think that would make me happy either. I keep reminding myself that nothing ventured is nothing gained but it feels like I keep hitting a wall every time I try to venture out into the world. Home seems so safe and secure and the outside world threatens to intrude.

I’m sure I’ll get through this (thank the non-existent god I’m medicated). But I just want to be happy for once without anxiety intruding. It’s starting to feel like I’m hard-wired for anxiety and post traumatic symptoms. Little triggers are around every corner. It’s been nearly two years now, why the fuck aren’t I just over this?? One little thing sets off a chain reaction and I fall down. Boom.

I hope I manage to sleep tonight. Drowsiness is starting to set in, so maybe there’s medicated hope.