Archive for the 'assault' Category

Calm, Serene

Published
by
Nadia
on July 19, 2009
in anxiety, assault, emotions, optimism, recovery and trauma
. 0 Comments

I’m feeling much, much better today. After my post yesterday I talked to MasterDoc. It wasn’t easy for me to open up, but I am so very glad I did. I cried, he held me and listened. He promised me that he would never let anything like that happen to me again. And I know that having his protection has made a huge difference in my being able to swing again. Even when I get to go to a party without my collar, and choose my own partners, it really helps to have MasterDoc there because I know he watches out for me. (And it’s sad to say, but he does a better job looking out for me than I do.)

I am still bewildered to get an apology from someone who was there that night. I never expected such a thing to happen. I suffered so much pain the past four years thinking that no one from that night would ever say to me, “What happened to you was wrong,” that they would never express support. If there are others out there who feel the same way, I hope that they come across me again and don’t hesitate to tell me. It does make a difference knowing that that vile dickhead who assaulted me is not supported by everyone. (These days it looks like he’s supported by fewer and fewer people all the time. Huzzah.)

I like the word survivor for someone who’s come through sexual assault/abuse/rape. It is how I see myself, I am not a victim, I am someone who survived something I never should have gone through. But I am a happy, smart, sexy woman with a lot to bring to this world. While I get the feeling of being alone, in reality I am supported by such a huge circle of people. I am lucky. I will prevail.

The Past Comes Back Again

Published
by
Nadia
on July 18, 2009
in Uncategorized, anxiety, assault, depression, emotions, recovery and sex parties
. 2 Comments

I’m afraid this isn’t going to be an erotic post. I’ve been feeling triggered the past couple of days and so I’m not in a good mind-space right now. When I say triggered, it’s in reference to the sexual assault that happened to me four years ago. Sometimes I can talk to friends about it and be fine, but sometimes it triggers all sorts of horrible feelings. (If you want details, you can search for the category “assault” on this blog.)
So these feelings have been lingering - fear, anxiety, depression, feeling unsafe, feeling unsettled. I feel like I want to talk about it with someone, but I get so paralyzed with fear that I won’t be listened to again, that I won’t get my feelings validated. So I’ve spent today feeling paralyzed and introverted with depression. It’s not rational, but it’s overwhelming.

However, it’s not all been bad. Last night, MasterDoc decided that in my current state, since it was on my mind anyway, it was the appropriate time to show me an email that was sent via him, for me, about a month ago. Someone on fetlife discovered my profile, enjoyed my blog, but had a nagging feeling he had met me. Digging back in my blog it came to him - he was there the night I was assaulted.

He went through MasterDoc because he didn’t want to contact me out of the blue, didn’t want to be triggering, didn’t want to upset me. But he really, really wanted to be able to say - I’m sorry. He wanted to apologize for not speaking up, for not realizing that things were indeed as bad as they were. It was his first sex party you see, and so when others there defended the issue saying everything was merely a “misunderstanding” he uncomfortably accepted that. He didn’t know any better.

In the midst of my current angst, I have had waves of blessed relief. Relief that someone there has finally said that what happened to me was wrong, and that they are sorry it happened. Relief that my feelings have been validated. It’s something I didn’t really ever expect to happen. First, last summer my friend from that period wrote to apologize for not speaking up more, and now this. Amazing. Validation is so important.

I don’t want to downplay the support and love I received during that period of time from my boyfriend Davey, my friend Christopher, and various other friends who weren’t there that night either. But I had to sever all ties with anyone I knew from those parties because no one would say what happened was wrong. (The aforementioned female friend did think it was wrong, but she wasn’t prepared to get into a whole shit storm with the guy who assaulted me. I have to say that it takes just a simple apology for me to forgive people who were there. It’s not an easy situation to be in, you don’t want to believe that you just witnessed something that will change a person’s life forever. They’re human. While I felt very alone during that period, I can understand that it’s not easy to speak up about. People make mistakes. Apologies do a lot to heal.)

So while this letter was welcome and very healing in many ways, I’m still feeling triggered today anyway. It can take a while to get past it. I went out last night with MasterDoc and our friend S., and I just felt really unsafe and clingy towards MasterDoc. I couldn’t enjoy myself as much as I wanted to. I was really afraid of getting sexually involved with a man I didn’t know.I did manage to let MasterDoc know that I really needed to be taken care of.

Hopefully after writing this and getting my thoughts organized I’ll be able to talk with MasterDoc about this.

2008 in Review

Published
by
Nadia
on January 1, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, assault, bdsm, best sex bloggers, caning, depression, edge play, exhibitionism, fisting, masochism, orgasm on command, pillow princess, piss play, sexuality and year in review
. 0 Comments

I didn’t have plans to do this, but I’ve seen some of my favorite bloggers post year end summaries for the past year and I decided to spend some time today reading through my entries to take a look at the year that was 2008. (I spent hours today re-reading my entries from this year. Damn, I write a lot!)

I started off the year having a great sex, albeit with the hindrance of prozac killing my libido and response. I didn’t consider myself a masochist at the start of the year, but in early February I changed that identification of myself. On the other hand, I started off the year bruising quite nicely, but now I barely bruise on my ass. I was also struggling with coming on command - not quite able to hold myself at a peak of arousal and not always able to come when permission was granted. Davey watched me get Dommed by MasterDoc and MasterDoc made me eat out of a bowl on the floor like a dog. MasterDoc and I continued doing shows for strangers.

In February I fucked a black guy for the first time in my life, and the entry was titled (at MasterDoc’s insistence) “BBC and Me.” My dose of prozac was lowered, which helped my libido and ability to come, but not by much (didn’t help my depression). MasterDoc decided we were going to lose weight together and we embarked on exercising and eating better. S. and I gave Davey a surprise threesome for his birthday.

In March I spent a lot of time reflecting on submission, what it means to me and why I do it. It’s been good to re-read those entries. I also waxed poetic about being face slapped. I suffered a bout of depression and clearly the lowered dose of prozac wasn’t adequate. It was also nearing the anniversary of the time I was sexually assaulted at a play party, and I still dwelled quite a bit on that.

In April I started off the month reflecting on why I enjoy public sex.  Davey, MasterDoc and I attempted double penetration but were unsuccessful (this is still true). I participated in sugasm for the first time. I wrote a bit about feminism and submission. We used a female condom for sex one time. I masturbated without permission and felt horribly guilty about it and confessed right away. At some point along the way I fell in love with MasterDoc. I had a challenging evening when we had a woman guest and I felt superfluous to the whole situation.

In May I proclaimed my average-ness. I started lusting after Photoshop and Dreamweaver to make my own site (I was still on blogspot at the time). And MasterDoc’s Puppy came for a visit. I had the first hint that maybe I could come without genital stimulation at some point. I purchased this domain and started trying to figure out how to get a blog up and running. I ended up going with wordpress, which I got installed for me.

My ass actually blistered a little bit after a spanking in June during one of our shows. I got called a pillow princess and reflected on my selfishness in bed, resolving to be less selfish. I discussed being assaulted three years ago at a play party and worked some more on dealing with the residual trauma from that. The swing club we frequent added a spanking bench, much to my and MasterDoc’s joy. I got swatted with a cane for the first time. I got good enough at riding the edge of orgasm that I could come when given the command (with genital stimulation).

I officially moved to kinkylibrarian.net at the start of July. (Looks like a few entries didn’t carry over when I made the switch. The old blog is still up, however.) I started talking about an interest in edge play like needle play and cutting. D.S. came for a visit and we had a very hot simultaneous orgasm. I contemplated many things like leading a double life, masochism and submission. I finally came without genital stimulation - and squirted too! I was on wellbutrin (in addition to prozac) for a little while by this time, and my sex drive had fully returned. I talked a little about early D/s experiences. I despaired over being denied orgasm, but was thrilled to have MasterDoc come in my mouth for the first time. MasterDoc and I had been seeing each other for a year by the end of this month.

In August I started participating in Half Nekkid Thursday, which I’ve done sporadically since. I struggled a bit with being a submissive and really opening myself up to someone - including giving MasterDoc my passwords to a few sites. We went to a hot (HOT) pool party. I started blogging over at Best Sex Bloggers. I spoke out about STIs and education. I had a very hot round of anal sex with MasterDoc, where I asked for more lube but then came really hard when he fucked me without adding lube. I enjoyed a moment of schadenfreude when I got to watch the online downfall of the guy who assaulted me (Jefferson). I don’t think I’ve blogged about the assault since - the experience of seeing him called on his bullshit by so many people really helped me heal a great deal.

September started out with me adding Babeland as an affiliate. (Still hasn’t netted me any money, but I still feel good about promoting that business.) I made the list of Top 100 Sex Bloggers. I also started reviewing toys, first for Lelo then for Babeland. Davey and I had a foursome while on vacation. MasterDoc and I gave an impromptu show one afternoon, then saw a couple in the evening. It dawned on me that our little shows technically make me a sex worker. I saw D.S. for one last time before he moved to San Francisco. I added Vibe Review as an affiliate at the end of the month.

In October, I put a toy into MasterDoc’s ass for the first time. I also wrote the terrific line, “I was a horny mass of sluttiness at that point.” I continued to try to get my head around the idea of him pissing on me. I wrote a little about dealing with depression while being submissive and how a beating can really make me feel better. MasterDoc made me come by slapping my clit. I talked about my early sexual and bdsm experiences. I had a bout of depression and cried during a scene - really cried - for the first time.

By November I could come at MasterDoc’s command quite well. I got philosophical about how change is an integral part of life. I came and squirted from being spanked at a swing club and later that night got fucked up the ass in public for the second time. One evening I became so turned on that I couldn’t turn off - and that ended up being the night that MasterDoc peed on me for the first time. I was so turned on and so deep into submission that I came as he peed on my clit. I went to the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar party and met a bunch of fellow bloggers. I also participated in Pleasurists for the first time. I come some more from pain and come again without being touched at all.

I started off December feeling cross with MasterDoc, but things were soon resolved and I wrote a post about how wonderful he is. He had a Domme-in-training come by for lessons and she fucked me with a strap on. The next night, a Dom came over with his three submissives and we had a fun bdsm orgy of sorts. I fisted a woman for the first time. MasterDoc figured out that he could use my new anal beads as a whip. Yikes. I fell ill with a stomach virus and actually turned down sex one day. But we used that time to go over my bdsm checklist and see what limits could be pushed in the future that perhaps we’ve been neglecting. We finished off the year going to a gangbang party last weekend.

All-in-all it’s been a hot year and I’ve come a long way with coming on command. I enjoyed reviewing my year via my blog but jeez, I really was at it for several hours. Thank you all for reading and I hope to have more adventures in 2009.

Night and Day

Published
by
Nadia
on November 23, 2008
in Uncategorized, assault, libido, sex and squirting
. 0 Comments

I write here often about having really hot sex with MasterDoc. After all, people want to read about really hot sex. But I think it might help things be in perspective if I finally sat down and told you about sex we had last weekend. I wasn’t feeling especially horny and MasterDoc wasn’t in the mood to give foreplay. So I went into it not feeling worked up or aroused. He had me lube myself up and play with myself, but still I wasn’t feeling all that hot. He asked if I was ready to be fucked, and since I was adequately lubed I said yes. He fucked me, and it felt good but it didn’t get me close to orgasm. After he did that, he lay beside me, stroking his cock while he told me to play with myself. I got aroused but it was still at a low level. He told me to get to the point where I can come, and I was kinda sorta there (but not quite). So when he came, squirting on my hip, and gave me permission to come, I didn’t. Pfft. So yes, MasterDoc and I are quite capable of having so-so sex.

But thankfully that’s not the norm.

I spent Friday at MasterDoc’s and he worked on finding a couple to play with for the night. It seemed like we had a couple lined up when they canceled. I was glad because I was feeling like I wanted to be alone with him. You know how sometimes you just want alone time with someone? I also felt a little triggered, and I didn’t feel okay about the idea of having sex with a complete stranger, which is funny because all too often I think that’s really hot. But I think what triggered me was the mention of us splitting up into separate rooms. It triggered a fear in me related to having been assaulted and raped and I flipped out at one point - this was even after the couple had canceled. I feared what could happen if I was alone with some guy I know nothing about, after all I’ve had experiences when men didn’t stop when I told them to. I spent a little time crying, spent some time cuddling with MasterDoc. I hate that this comes up for me sometimes, but I can’t really know when it’s going to happen.

Thankfully the evening got better. I got the evening alone with MasterDoc like I was hoping for, and we fucked for a while. I got very, very close to orgasm, but he didn’t let me come while he was fucking me. We lay next to each other after, me a little bit further down on the bed so he could watch porn on the laptop. He had me get the Nea and play with myself. I was horny but as he was watching the porn I wasn’t as engaged in it as I would have been if he had been interacting with me. I told him this and he says, “You don’t think I know that?” He starts talking dirty to me, asking me if I’m ready to come. The sound of his voice gets me hot and soon I’m at the point where I could come. At this point I was laying down near his cock as I had sucked it for a while. He keeps talking to me, making me feel like a dirty girl, and I respond by breathing more quickly and yearning for orgasm. He keeps stroking his cock and as he gets to the point of coming, he tells me to come. This time I come as soon as he gives me permission and I even squirt on the bed as I do so. He comes all over my shoulder and we orgasm simultaneously. Things were back to normal.

Infuriation

Published
by
Nadia
on September 14, 2008
in assault
. 0 Comments

There are plenty of things in this society that infuriate me, but the one on my mind today is the fact that in the case of a rape or assault the benefit of the doubt is inevitably given to the perpetrator. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encountered people not wanting to get involved, not wanting to condemn what is illegal, not to mention damaging behavior. When a woman actually has the strength to speak out she finds apathy and an unwillingness to acknowledge her experience staring back at her. I truly believe we live in a society that condones sexual violence against women. (I won’t get into how awful it is that men don’t even feel like they can admit to having been raped or assaulted, as a woman I speak from a woman’s experience.) The burden of proof is put on the woman to prove what has happened to her, and even when people have been around when it happens they STILL aren’t willing to speak up for what’s right.

It’s no mystery to me why so many women do not report rapes and assaults. When you get people just sticking their head in the sand you start to reevaluate your decision to speak up. Sure, what happened to you was wrong, but does it matter knowing that if no one else will acknowledge that it even happened? The benefit of the doubt goes to the perpetrator - so the victim gets to experience both being victimized and being ignored. And that infuriates me. It’s easy to get away with a sexual assault. Not so easy to get over having been assaulted.

A Moment of Schadenfreude

Published
by
Nadia
on August 10, 2008
in Uncategorized and assault
. 2 Comments

I never thought this day would come. Finally, FINALLY people are speaking out about how fucked up the guy who assaulted me is. (Here, here, here and here.) I was so alone right after the assault as no one would call this guy on his fucked up behavior. (No one in the local scene anyway. I had lots of wonderful support from friends on the internets and outside the scene. Yes, I’m talking about you Curmudgeony, as well as Davey and others. I appreciate you all.) People made excuses for him, someone was even mean enough to tell me I was crazy (this was one of his girlfriends). I suffered greatly because I refused to shut up about what this guy did to me. I was too afraid to name him at the time, but I realize now that it took a lot of strength to keep talking publicly even when he was angry with the reaction my blog readers were giving his actions and he was treating me like shit behind the scenes. Finally his alcoholism is being discussed. Finally the carefully constructed persona is coming down. Maybe now someone will acknowledge what he did to me.

A friend from that time wrote me yesterday, pretty much apologizing for not sticking up for me more. I felt so happy to hear from her. Losing her friendship in the aftermath of the assault was something I was very sad about. She always acknowledged what he did was wrong, but like most people she hesitated to be really vocal about what happened. It feels really good to reconnect with her and let bygones be bygones. I’m glad that there’s something he took from me (her friendship) that I’ve now gotten back. In seeing his downfall, I also feel like some of the power he had over me has been taken back as well. I feel like I’ve gotten a part of myself back. As I’ve told S., I’d like to spend some time alone today with that part I’ve gotten back, so I can appreciate it and celebrate it.

Schadenfreude is what they call it. I feel an overwhelming sense of schadenfreude. (Leave it to my German ancestors to come up with a word that means taking pleasure in someone else’s pain.) I feel so happy today, happier than I’ve been in a long time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like a huge amount of healing has happened for me in just one day. I feel like crying with relief. Three plus years of suffering somewhat silently has ended.

I believe in karma now. And as they say, karma’s a bitch, Jefferson. While in therapy to deal with the assault my therapist pointed out that alcoholics step over the line over and over again, and that what he did to me was not the only time he’d step over the line. That truth is clear to me now.

The Negative Side of Sex

Published
by
Nadia
on June 20, 2008
in assault
. 3 Comments

Continuing on with the theme of facing the negative side of sex head on, I’m inspired today to write about a discussion I’ve had via email on Collar Me with another sub. We got on the topic of the assault I suffered about three years ago. (She’s unfortunately been through something similar.)

For those of you who haven’t read my old blog, or read far back on this blog, I was sexually assaulted at a play party by the party host. For the first time ever he decided to play with me, and he decided to use a speculum as a sex toy. I wasn’t comfortable with that but in the spirit of trying new things I figured if I didn’t like it I could just ask him to stop. After all, that had always seemed like the un-transgressed rule of the parties - no means no. So he put it in and it hurt. And I told him, “That hurts, take it out.” He not only ignored my request, but when someone else reiterated what I said he shook his head no and shifted the speculum inside me, which only served to jab me further. I started to panic, looked at a friend I had there that night for help, unfortunately said friend was otherwise engaged and I panicked further. I decided that this was going to stop right then and there and shouted out my request for everyone to hear. That stopped the guy in his tracks. After he removed the speculum, I slapped his arm (not as hard as I should have) and ran off to the bathroom where I burst into tears. It was a very traumatic incident for me, which wasn’t made any better by people that night wanting me to “make up” with him and hug him (the LAST thing I wanted to do) and then later making excuses why it happened. “He was drunk.” Yeah, like that’s a good excuse for ignoring someone’s wishes to stop and traumatizing them. I tried talking to him afterward but he took exception to my calling it assault and insisted it was just an “accident.” Soon, he was doing his best to convince everyone else that I was crazy. Anyway, I stopped going to those parties (Since I called him on his bullshit he told me I was uninvited. I had no intention of going back to his place ever again anyway.) I severed ties with everyone I knew from the parties. And I then spent the better part of two years trying to work through what had happened. I really feel like I should have saved my therapy bills and sent them to him to pay. He owes me that much, the bastard.

I shyed away from sex, and basically had a monogamous life with Davey, despite our being polyamorous in name. Davey, bless his soul, was really patient when I’d be triggered again during sex and have trouble continuing. I dealt with all manner of post traumatic stress. It still crops up from time to time, but I’ve managed to work through much of it and return to my slutty ways. But I have to say I feel really glad that I go to parties with MasterDoc as I trust him to always watch out for me and to always be in control of the situation. I can relax and enjoy myself because I have him there with me. He keeps a keen eye on everything that’s going on.

Anyway, that’s the back story. In my email exchange with this other sub, we got on the topic of experiencing some of the trauma again, but on your own terms this time. For her, it took the form of watching a horrific rape scene from a movie. (I couldn’t bring myself to watch it.) But I’ve thought a few times recently, that perhaps having some sort of scene with MasterDoc using a speculum might be therapeutic in a way. I trust him. He knows me well and would watch out for my well being. And afterwards, I could be cuddled and held by someone who cares very much about me. It would be a very different experience than the assault. It would be a way of re-experiencing it, but on my own terms. Having control of the situation might help take some of the power away from the traumatic experience I had.

I’ve read that rape victims often involve themselves in (play) rape scenes as a way of dealing with what happened to them. Having something happen on your terms can empower you and help you move past what’s happened. Now, I’ve been raped as well but that was 10 years ago and doesn’t have the sting the assault has, probably because it happened in England and the odds of me running into the perpetrator ever again are slim to none. Also, I didn’t have a confrontation with the guy afterwards where he denied what happened. Whereas I run into the online presence of my assaulter all the time (he blogs on a few sex blogs and he’s on FetLife. I go to read new and interesting sex blogs and of course he’s linked on about half of them.) I don’t know that re-experiencing the event on my own terms will completely close the door on my anxieties and bitterness, but it might help take some of the sting away. I’ve spent the past three years trying to lessen the sting. I’m bitter that it seems that it will never completely go away. My entire life changed in one night. I want a heartfelt apology and admission of what was done to me, but that will never happen. So I continue to try to find ways to dampen down the pain.

Bad Week

Published
by
Nadia
on March 6, 2008
in assault and depression
. 0 Comments

I’m having a rough week. Friday night triggered memories of the assault in me and so I’ve been dwelling on it. It doesn’t help that at the end of this month marks three years since it happened, and this is a notable anniversary because after this I can’t report it to police. Time will have run out. In a way, it will be a relief, because then I can stop berating myself about how I should watch out for other women and report this man, all the while knowing that my own sanity is what I really need to watch out for. Reporting him would probably yield nothing and I’d be left feeling even more angry and frustrated than I do now.

Then with all my dwelling it dawned on me that next month marks 10 years since I was raped. What a banner year of anniversaries, eh?

To top all this off I don’t think my lowered dose of prozac is agreeing with me. I’m terribly depressed, even having thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation. I took a sick day today to call my shrink and see if I can sort things out. Mostly I’ve just slept the morning away but I did talk to my psychiatrist and I’m going to be back on the higher dose for the time being (after I’m feeling stable again, then we’ll try one day on higher, one day on lower, as an attempt to put my blood levels at some point in between the higher and lower doses).

I’m feeling angry and resentful that the sexual traumas in my life still affect me. I feel that they’ve left me emotionally and permanently disabled. I resent the fact that my relationships with decent men in my life can be touched by the assaults at unexpected times. (Triggers have occurred with Davey, and others, so it’s not just the nature of the play MasterDoc and I engage in. Really, anything can trigger it. There are times when I’m in public and I freeze inside because I’ve seen a man around the same age, build and hair color of the guy who assaulted me with a speculum.)

The problem with when I’m this depressed is that I withdraw and I don’t talk about what’s going on. I’m happily surprised that I took it upon myself to call my psychiatrist. I’m dismayed that I took a sick day because that means it’s really bad. I’m now going to spend the rest of the day reining in thoughts of suicide and hurting myself and just escape into playing The Sims2. And I hope that taking a higher dose of medication today will help lift my mood somewhat.

Triggers

Published
by
Nadia
on November 17, 2007
in assault and trauma
. 0 Comments

While most days I’m a happy-go-lucky slut, there are still times when memories/feelings of the assault and the rape come up unexpectedly. It’s sometimes quite unexpected what will trigger these feelings. I’ve had feelings come up when seeing something named Jefferson (and there’s a hell of a lot of stuff in this country named after Thomas Jefferson), I’ve had feelings come up earlier this year fooling around with Davey and having a hard time reaching orgasm (and feeling like I’m an irreparably broken human being from the assault. I’ve ended up in tears over this a few times in the past couple of years.) This week, I had an instance when it felt like someone wasn’t listening to me, and it flooded back feelings of not being listened to when I was raped and when I was assaulted. Now, the reaction I had (panic, feeling unsafe) had very little, if anything, to do with the person who happened to be involved with the trigger. I trust the person involved with the trigger. Just as I trust Davey but still triggers have come up with him.

Unfortunately the person involved with this instance of triggering took things personally and was rather hurt that I seemed to not trust him. I instantly felt terrible for hurting his feelings and spent quite a bit of time crying that night. But the fact is, I can’t control these trigger reactions any more than a soldier coming home from war can control feeling panicked at loud noises. The people who happen to be around when I’m triggered don’t generally have anything at all to do with how I end up feeling. Little stupid things can make me feel triggered. I recognize this as simply post traumatic stress and figure I’ll have to deal with it off and on throughout my life. This is why rape and sexual assault are so damaging – they change a person forever. I can never go back to having the level of trust in humanity I had before those two events in my life. And this affects everyone in my life in some small way, whether they know it or not. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to the wonderful men who are in my life who wouldn’t ever hurt me or ignore my lack of consent. But this shit is abundant in our society and it pisses me off. We have legions of damaged women (and sometimes even men) who must try to dodge triggers right and left and get through their lives with some semblance of normalcy.

Thankfully, I spend most of my time not feeling triggered. It happens less and less as time goes on, and I’m better at identifying what’s going on and dealing with it than I was when the post traumatic stress first came on. (Right after the assault I couldn’t be out alone at night without feeling like something terrible was going to happen to me. And I wasn’t in a situation where I was out alone at night when the assault happened. I just felt unsafe all over.) I’d love to think that some day triggers won’t happen to me, but then I’m not naïve enough to think that’s the case.

Oh well, right now I’m post-trigger and I’m determined to have a wonderful time at my birthday gang bang this afternoon. Despite what’s happened to me I’m still a free-spirited sexual babe and I’m not going to let anything stop me from that (for long). Viva pleasure!

Silence

Published
by
Nadia
on October 21, 2007
in assault
. 0 Comments

Reading the chapter on rape in Cunt of course got me thinking about things that have happened to me. Inga Muscio makes the point that silence is what allows rape and assault against women to continue. She quotes Ursula K. LeGuin, “The power of the harasser, the abuser, the rapist depends above all on the silence of women.” And this is too true. I’ve never filed charges against the man who raped me or the man who sexually assaulted me at a sex party. A few months back I finally referred to Jefferson, the man who assaulted me, by name in this blog. That took me two years to do. For the rest of the time I was virtually silent. I was left to deal with the after effects of what he did to me while he went on with his life like nothing happened. I did speak up and confront him and others who attended his parties on what he did right after, but I got rebuffed as “crazy” because no one wanted to look at what had happened that night. I only wish I had been less scared and decided to file charges against him come hell or high water. I only wish I was less scared now.

I love Muscio’s idea that rape should be handled by what she calls “Cuntlovin’ Public Retailation” – in other words women should band together to publicly denounce rapists (en masse), to embarrass them at their homes, places of work, etc. We should not be silent as to what these men have done to harm and shame us. And we should stand up for any woman who’s gone through this as rape affects us all. Every person who has a cunt has to worry about going out alone at night, going out dressed seductively, just simply existing in the world we live in because at any given point in time a man can decide that he has to exert control by raping a cunt. The fact that this behavior is so terribly condoned by our society (yes, I feel that it’s condoned) disgusts me. You can bet such deep humiliation of men would not be tolerated in our society. But destroying a woman’s sense of safety, her sense of power over her life, that happens with only silence greeting it.

I’m tired of being silent. But of course I’m still afraid. If I wasn’t afraid I’d sit here and publish the real names of the men who’ve taken away my right to choose what happens to my cunt. I’d link to the one who has a blog. But even just putting his name up here terrifies me – even though very few people read this blog. It would have been really terrific had I published who did it on my old blog, read by 100 people a day, back when the assault actually happened. But I was even more afraid then than I am now. And so I remain virtually silent.