Archive for the 'dom' Category

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“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive and trust. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut. He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

Saturday Interlude

Published on March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized, anal, blow jobs, cunnilingus, dom, masturbation, orgasm on command, sex and sex toys. 0 Comments

A funny after comment on my Pain and Healing post: MasterDoc wasn’t feeling “into” it that day. He says that it’s one of maybe only two times he’s fooled around with me because I needed it and despite his lack of interest in that moment. Damn, imagine how hot it would have been if he were into it as well? I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful Dom who will take care of me when I’m depressed.

Saturday we fooled around and both of us were into it. I took a little bit to warm up – I may be frequently horny but I do need foreplay. It was a very casual sort of dalliance, he decided not to put my collar on. I hungrily sucked his cock for a while then he positioned himself between my legs and licked my clit.

He doesn’t go down on me often, but when he does he’s quite good at it. Now for those who are easily squicked, yes I have my period just now but as usual I used an instead cup and washed off down there right after inserting it. It seems like he goes down on me more frequently when I have my period, but I don’t have hard stats to back that up. I wonder if it’s a pheromone sort of thing.

He teased me with his lips and tongue. I lay back, closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling. I don’t come often from oral, but he really worked me up. He interspersed the oral attention with the magic wand, even trying to put his tongue on my clit while leaning the vibrating wand against his tongue. (Left his tongue feeling numb!) He pressed the wand hard against my clit and told me to come. I came at his command as usual, and I apparently pulled his hair while coming. I was only vaguely aware of my doing this.

We were going to fuck with me on top, but his cock didn’t cooperate. (He had forgotten to take a “happy pill” (aka viagra) and sometimes under these circumstances his cock doesn’t work as we want it to.) We rested a bit, and I stroked his chest. He got hard again and decided to fuck me from behind. It felt good, but alas he wasn’t fully hard so it wasn’t up to its usual amazingness. That was absolutely fine with me.

He really wanted to come, so I gladly played with his ass while he jerked off. We had gotten a couple of insertables ready to put in his ass (condoms on the toys), but as I massaged his ass and anus he came pretty quickly. I love how when I keep massaging him afterwards he twitches several times. Before MasterDoc I hadn’t really known that the stimulation shouldn’t just end when the guy has ejaculated. Now I know better.

His Hands and My Body Make Beautiful Music Together

Published on February 24, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, blow jobs, cunt, dom, edge play, horny, kink, masturbation, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys and submissive. 2 Comments

I hadn’t seen him for a few days and I’ve been so horny for him lately.

We were in bed, touching each other. I indulged my senses in the feel of his fingers along my body, in the scent of him, in the texture of his chest hair. I love the way my body reacts to his touch. He knows just where to touch me – non-errogenous zones – to work me up and arouse me. Massaging where hip meets thigh, firmly stroking my thighs, calves. We had some sort of hot porn on, but now, a few days later, I can’t recall what it was.

He fucked me doggy style. I bucked my hips back to meet him and started moaning from the stroking of his cock inside me. We fucked for a while, and I didn’t orgasm although if he had given permission I could have. Despite this I was still pretty damned happy. Which is saying a lot for a goal-oriented slut like myself.

As he lies next to me, he takes my right nipple into his mouth and sucks on it hard. His tongue toys with the areola and he uses suction to pick my breast up away from my supine body. I gasp and roll my hips as he does this. I run my fingers through his wavy hair.

At this point I was totally lusting after him. I was hungry for his touch, his caresses. I twined my fingers in his chest hair and ran my hands down his body. I massaged his inner thighs and he told me how good that felt.

After languorously playing with my nipple, he went back to playing my body like an instrument. I stroked my slick clit as he teased me and told me dirty things. I came hard with my fingers on my clit, but it was his talk and touch that made the orgasm really happen. I came two or three times that evening – without fucking. He clasped my throat at one point and I wasn’t sure if I loved or feared the fuzziness that came over my vision.

We fucked again later and he let me use the magic wand on my clit. I love feeling the buzz on my clit while I feel his thick cock fill me up. I fuck him frantically trying to control how fast he thrusts in and out of me. He ultimately controls it, however, no matter how hard I try. I come, and come, and come when he gives me the word.

It seemed like we were pretty much over playing but I was still lusting hard. I licked and kissed his chest, stroking him all over. I played with his inner thigh and the lower portions of his ass. I know this feels good to him. He tugged at his cock until ready to come. In the meanwhile I positioned my mouth nearby and licked my lips, hungrily longing for his come in my mouth. I kept eagerly springing forward in the hopes that he was ready to spurt. I looked like those women in porn films that are open mouthed and licking their lips in lust over some guys’ cock. I thought it seemed a bit overdone when I’ve seen it in porn but perhaps I just hadn’t had the right guy in front of me before. I wanted his cock in my mouth.

He came in my mouth and I sucked on it while holding the come. Instead of his usual request for me to dribble out his come he had me spit into a glass. He threatened to have me drink it but thankfully saved me from it… that night. He keeps talking about me snowballing with DeeDee.

Later he wanted to come again – something that pretty much never happens. I was getting tired by this time, but I did as Sir told me and got pillows so I could kneel on the floor and play with his cock as he reclined on the couch. He came into my mouth again. There wasn’t much come this time, but I was glad that he was satisfied. I went to bed with a smile on my face.

Überdom

Published on January 21, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, dom, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, spanking, squirting and submissive. 1 Comment

Lately, with DeeDee being MasterDoc’s submissive and Stacina being a playmate, I get to enjoy seeing him Dom other women. It’s a lot of fun even to watch. Last night, while I was in bed submitting to him (collar on) he was also he was teasingly trying to mindfuck Stacina a little via text message on his phone. He had come up with an activity for next week when we see her, and he was teasing her about it by not telling her what it is. Her curiosity was met with more teasing. It was hot to witness. (And hey, she was complicit in teasing me weeks back when she and MasterDoc talked online while I waited for his attention.)

He put his phone down for a while, and had me turn onto my stomach. He used the riding crop and the wooden paddle on my ass and thighs. I had cringed when he told me to get out the wooden paddle, as it’s harsher than the leather one. I was in a good mindset though, and I found the spanking to be highly erotic, as it gradually got more intense. The sensation wasn’t painful for much of it, but when it did get painful I was totally turned on by the idea that wow, this man has such power over me that I will let him hurt me. Sometimes impact play is about the sensation and endorphin rush that ensues, but other times it’s about the submission. It’s about doing something to give him pleasure. Only recently have I started to be able to believe that his yin to my yang is really possible, i.e., he derives pleasure from the pain he gives me just as I derive pleasure from receiving it. I’ve always understood masochism, but not being especially sadistic I had a harder time truly believing that nice people could gain pleasure from my (or others’) suffering. But somehow lately it’s clicked for me that it’s hot on both ends (and not just something nice the Dom does for the sub), and I find myself turned on even more knowing that I’m giving him pleasure by my submission and letting him do with me as he wishes.

I was smart and had plugged in the Hitachi magic wand beforehand, and he said, “You’re learning!” as he grabbed it to use on me. He teased my clit, moved the wand around my nether lips and had me writhing. I kept trying to get my clit against the vibrations and press it harder when it was there. He used the paddle on me some more, and then resumed teasing my clit. I thought to myself that it must be such a turn on to see a woman writhing and moaning desperately under your hands. At that moment I was so wanton and slutty that I wouldn’t hold back my cunt’s yearning one bit. He gave me more crop on my ass and the back of my thighs.

I kept moaning and writhing, straining to rub my clit against the vibrating wand. He held me on verge of coming. My mouth was slack and open and I just kept moaning and moaning.

He stopped short of letting me come. He had me turn over. He takes the wooden paddle to my tits and inner thighs. He slaps my pussy and then grabs the crop to use on me as well. He takes up the vibrator again and teases me some more. Then he lubes up the Ella dildo (review coming soon) and slides it into my pussy. He takes it out, puts more lube on, and asks if it’s well lubed. He fucks me with it slowly, then quickly. He moved the head of the dildo around my cunt. He pressed it into my g-spot – which was ultimately what pushed me over the edge. He told me to come, and I came super hard as he fucked me with it. He kept me coming and coming despite the fact that after a while I was gasping for air. I didn’t think I could come any more but he kept stimulating me and I kept coming. He relaxed for a brief moment, then placed the magic wand on clit. Immediately I came again intensely. I squirted a puddle under me. The orgasms were fucking amazing.

After I’ve recovered, he has me put on porn. I found some sex swing porn online and he had me get up on hands and knees to fuck me. As I was so aroused from earlier, the fucking was made up of more wonderfulness and hanging on the edge of orgasm. He fucks me a long time and finally I break down and ask permission to come. He made me beg for it, which was even hotter. “Please Sir, may I come? Oh please, please. I want to come Sir, please!” He must have been satisfied with my begging as he let me come, and again he kept forcing the orgasms out of me until I collapsed on the bed.

I was exhausted, and very, very happy.

The Depression and Insecurity Struggle

Published on January 1, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, anger, anxiety, caning, crazy, depression, derangement, dom, emotions, mental illness, neurosis and sex. 1 Comment

This entry was started last weekend – twice. I fell into a deep depression on Saturday and I’ve taken my time figuring out how much about it I want to share.

I’m leaving out the many bits that added up and led to this but I ended up crying hysterically (yes, truly hysterically. I was gasping for air because I was crying so hard) at MasterDoc’s and being totally contrary, depressed and angry for the better part of the day. Bless MasterDoc’s patience. He did all he could to try to shake me out of it but I was unshakable for much of the day. He tried caning, which just pissed me off. *chuckle* He tried a firm hand, taking control, telling me to get my collar and get up and do some chores. That didn’t work. I was so weighted down with depression that I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t move. And when I finally got up to go use the bathroom I struggled to get to my feet and amble down the hall. It was a feeling much like when you’re heavily sick with flu and you feel like you’re moving through molasses.

But he kept at it, kept talking to me. Kept trying to reason with me through my tears. (He’s nothing if not a reasonable, rational man.) Eventually the core was reached – I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. All the rest is window dressing for this one core truth. Sure there are times when I’m not depressed when I feel worthwhile, but depression makes me feel utterly useless and unlovable. I’ve struggled with this since late childhood.

Sometimes via writing this blog I get people telling me I’m sexy, exciting, wonderful, attractive, etc. At those times the little low self-esteem voice in my head quotes the following bit from a Neil Finn song, Truth:

“They have showered me with riches /and they say that I am worthy of their love and their attention/ but they still don’t know the truth.”

I figure why believe someone who only knows me through the blog? Even though I am extremely candid here someone still can’t know me entirely with all my foibles and full-on flaws. I can’t accept compliments. Not really. I grew up thinking that if I felt good about myself then I was being egotistical and that I should always know my flaws and work on them. (Maybe this is a residual Catholic thing?) When I started coming out of the depression on Saturday, started being more reasonable at least, MasterDoc listed a bunch of things he likes about me; and I didn’t recognize the person he described. I didn’t think it could be me. But at the same time it felt so good to be told I’m loved and wanted.

As I was slowly recovering emotionally, I had a revelation. I finally understood age play. I had always been among the camp of “that makes me really uncomfortable but I won’t interfere with two consenting adults playing how they want to play.” But jeez, Saturday night I wanted nothing more than to be taken care of like a little child. I wanted to abdicate all responsibility. I wanted to be told when to brush my teeth and go to bed. I wanted to be held and petted and told I’m loved. It was a struggle for me to do tasks MasterDoc asked me to do, having any responsibility felt like too much for me to handle. I really felt like I needed to be taken care of. I did get petting from MasterDoc and told that I’m loved, but I didn’t get the full level of being controlled and taken care of. Oh well. That’s not what our relationship is like.

By the next day I was feeling calmer and no longer suicidal. I’ve struggled with dips into depression this week but have ultimately ended the week on a stable note. Wednesday night, while MasterDoc caned me, he made me repeat after him, “I am incredibly lovable.” He made me say it a few times and made me promise that I would remember that. We talked a little about how I came to feel this way when I was young, and having a mother who was moody and wildly unpredictable had a lot to do with it – i.e., one day I’d say “good morning” and she’d be loving and we’d bake cookies, but another morning I’d say the same exact thing in the same exact way and she’d bite my head off. As MasterDoc and I talked, he asked if I had ever tried to diagnose my mother. (I have an educational background in psychology.) I haven’t really, but immediately I said that she must suffer from depression like I do. And MasterDoc wondered aloud if I ever realized that these issues were my mother’s own or if I internalized them and blamed myself. And you know, until last night, at age 37, I never had the thought that these issues were my mother’s, and not my fault. I blamed myself from a young age. I thought that I made her mad or sad.

Somehow, I forget how, he came up with the idea of a time out next time I snap at him – time facing the corner to cool down and think. I think it’s interesting how a lot of what I’m getting out of our relationship in recent weeks is sorta parenting my inner child on things I missed out on when I actually was a child. I don’t doubt that my submission has some roots in wanting to be loved and pleasing. I think it could be really healing to try to please someone who is capable of being pleased for a change.

MasterDoc continued to say wonderful things to me all evening, working on bolstering my self-esteem. I’m trying to figure out how to accept the compliments. He feels a little offended that, in a way, I should think so little of his opinion of me as to not believe it. But it’s not that his opinion is off, it’s that I just can’t think about myself rationally sometimes.

We did eventually have sex, and while I came hard as always (rowr!) I was slow to warm up by that time as he bounced between watching porn on the computer and watching basketball on tv. I had been ready for fooling around after the caning but the sex didn’t come til much later. I didn’t complain, and he pointed out that I’m patient. He fucked me, and the ensuing hard orgasm helped my already improving mood. As we watched an assfucking porn afterward, I told him that it made me want to be fucked up the ass. And yes, he fucked me up the ass then. Very hot. I lay back after each fucking and felt utterly content.

He jerked off to come, and came in my mouth again. I sucked his cock while holding the come in my mouth and gleefully dribbled it out when he told me to. I think this is my current fetish. I hope that he’ll have me rub it over my breasts or something next time.

So as I head into the new year, I seem to be dealing with a bout of depression. Hopefully I will manage to work through it like I always have in the past. Having a loving Dom will certainly help. Having a loving Davey will help too, but I think part of me needs a bit of a challenge when it comes to being loved. I feel like I need to earn it, and Davey loves me virtually unconditionally. Not that MasterDoc doesn’t, but he criticizes constructively and gets me working on improving. I think I need to prove to myself that I have earned the love I receive.

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

Published on December 24, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, blog, dom, musings and show. 3 Comments

I receive a lot of compliments on this blog, and I appreciate them all. I put in the time and effort to write it. But I want to point out that the blog would be very, very different without MasterDoc. He comes up with the things we do, and it’s his deviant mind that provides the tales I relate here.

This reminds me of one of his favorite stories. Apparently he was out at a bdsm club years ago with his lady at the time. He did all sorts of hot, kinky shit to her and after, a guy comes over to her and says, “Wow, that was really hot!”

MasterDoc says to him, “Excuse me, but when you go to a magic show, do you compliment the wand?”

It’s time I pointed out the magician behind the magic here.

I can hear him now, “Aw babe, you didn’t have to do that.” But I’m sure at the same time he’ll be thrilled.

Coming

Published on December 23, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, blow jobs, dom, horny, kink, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, submissive and wishing box. 1 Comment

I’ve been feeling really subby the past day or so. While my insecurities scream from the back of my mind as usual, the sub in me has felt happy for MasterDoc to have fun with others when I’ve not been around. Being poly makes him happy. And I like seeing him happy. Perhaps I will manage to internalize this yet.

He had over our friend V. and our new kinky friend, Stacina, while I was at work yesterday. I certainly would have loved to be there to see V. fuck Stacina with a strap on than be at work. It sounded like it was hot. MasterDoc was then going to spend the remaining time fucking our new friend after V. had to go home but her back went out. Ever the gentleman, he set her up on the heating pad and took care of her. Of course, when I got to his place after work last night he was feeling a bit sexually frustrated. I was quite happy to be there to help him deal with the frustration.

Last night any little thing MasterDoc did that exhibited authority turned me on. When we got cozy in bed, he looked at my wishing box even though I haven’t added anything lately. (I did later that night however.) I told him that I couldn’t come up with new things to add, and he pointed out that it’s not just new things that go in there, but things that I wish we were doing more. Ah! I will keep that in mind. He read through each piece of paper and I realized that I couldn’t quite remember what was in there.

We watched some porn laying against each other, my back to his tummy and we both stroked ourselves. He reached over me and grabbed the magic wand, turned it on, and pressed it against my clit. I was so horny instantly and soon after he started he said that I can come as much as I like for the next minute.

I lost control completely as always. I squirted a little. I came over and over, being tossed like a ship on a stormy sea from one peak to the next. I can’t imagine what I look like at those moments. All I’m aware of is my entire body being gripped by orgasm. Body, brain, soul. He pulled the wand away after one minute.

I lay there recovering. And I remembered the all important, “Thank you, Sir,” in the aftermath of the orgasm he gave me.

He had me put the wedge under him and get on top but his cock wasn’t quite ready. Instead we cuddled and I stroked his cock. He talked dirty to me, taking control of the situation. He asks if I want to feel his cock inside me. Breathlessly I say, “Yes, Sir.” I moan a little and press my body against his. His cock is completely hard now and he decides on a change of plans – he has me get on hands and knees.

He fucked me while watching porn. While this was going on, I thought about how hot it is to be fucked while being somewhat objectified – for him to enjoy me while his attention is on the porn and I’m just there to plunge his dick into. I moan like crazy and could come at any second. After a good long fuck, he pulls out. He tells me: “Come” and I orgasm while he slaps my cunt. The come squirts out and splatters as he slaps. I come so hard that I start to worry I might pass out. My awareness goes hazy, it kinda fades in and out with the alternation of my breathing and holding breath. I keep saying this lately (at least to myself if not here), “I’ve never come this hard before!” like every time is even better than the last. I squirted again while coming.

After I’ve recovered, he says he wants to come, and I think that means I’ll be behind him playing with ass like most times. He says no, that I will help from in front. I focus in on his cock as he strokes it and I massage his ass and thighs. I become almost mesmerized watching him up close. When he’s nearly ready to come, he has me put my mouth over his cock and I feel the head in between my lips. He comes and I feel it spurting out of his cock and onto my tongue. A few quick spurts and I can feel the come resting on my tongue. He has me hold the come and his cock in my mouth for a while. He tells me to suck and more drops come out of his cock into my come-filled mouth.

I show him the cum in my mouth and he tells me to let it dribble out. It dribbles out too fast at first but I still had some in my mouth and did it more slowly the second time. He liked watching the come dribble out of my mouth. I liked being the dirty whore who held his come in my mouth and drooled it all over after. I later added to the box that I want to have him come in my mouth more often, that I want to be made to play with his come. I enjoyed that so much I was smiling like the Cheshire cat after.

Sex Worker Literati

Published on December 4, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, blogs, dom, drunk, intellectual freedom, musings, sex, sex work and sex work awareness. 1 Comment

Even when I’m not having sex, I’m often listening to stories about sex, talking about sex, or reading about sex. Last night I went to Sex Worker Literati in Manhattan, hosted by Audacia Ray and David Henry Sterry. If you live near NYC you really should go. I had a wonderful time.
I met up with Diva and Tess beforehand for some inexpensive food picked up at the cheap dumpling place down the street. ($3 for dinner and I didn’t even finish it!) and brought to one of their usual bars for drinks with dinner. I got to meet Lucy Vonne for the second time and overall had a wonderful bit of hanging out with everyone. Later on, Twisted Monk showed up, and I got to meet him this time whereas I had only seen him at the sex blogger calendar party. I felt kinda left out though, as I was the only one there without a smart phone/touch screen. I’ve always been really behind with my cell phones. It was only 1 or 2 years ago that I finally got a phone with a camera in it. Yup, call me the cell phone luddite. I’m lusting after an iPhone right about now, but not sure on my librarian salary if I can afford the monthly data charge. I got to hear from Diva about some new and exciting plans she and Tess have. (Of course, I will keep schtum about these until they unveil their ideas. But they’re good ideas as always.)

Twisted Monk is nice, funny, sexy and cute. Damn. No wonder the man can make a living as a pro Dom. (He talked about this for his part of the readings last night.) Of course, his main claim to fame is his popular bondage rope company.

The readings were funny, enlightening and made me really think about why I support sex worker rights. We’re fed stereotypes by the media, but people aren’t stereotypes – they’re people. Sex workers are multi-dimensional human beings, regardless of what you think about the “morality” of sex work. I am happy and proud to have known a variety of sex workers in my life – they’ve been intelligent, (and often quite educated), nice and fun people to be around. When I first had the pleasure of meeting Audacia Ray she was doing sex work and working on her master’s degree. (I was working on my master’s degree at the time too, and wishing I had the cojones and business acumen to get into sex work. It would have paid much, much better than my part-time paraprofessional library jobs alone. But yes, there was the whole illegality thing to consider.) Heck, a while back I realized that MasterDoc and I getting paid to do our bdsm shows makes us sex workers. While we are among the privileged ones, (not all sex workers are middle to upper-middle-class and college educated) I still think the point must be made that sex workers are human beings, and as such they should not be treated like so much trash left out on the street. (It might even be helpful to remember that sex worker clients are human beings as well. And as all the political/religious sex “scandals” have shown, they are often people you already know.)

Making prostitution illegal has never stopped prostitution from going on. The only thing it really manages to do is make prostitutes more vulnerable. They become easy targets for the dregs of society as they can’t exactly go to the police when they’ve been blackmailed, assaulted, raped, and possibly someone has tried to kill them. I think the whole illegality of prostitution is rooted in sexism, homophobia and transphobia – after all, most sex workers are women, men who sell themselves to men, and transgender people. They are part of groups of people already marginalized by society and already vulnerable. If heterosexual men could make a living by selling their sexual favors, do you think that prostitution would be illegal? It’s just an opinion, but I don’t.

While I’m not a libertarian, I think I tend to like them since they’re usually quite supportive of all sex work being legal. (I’m kinda politically unaffiliated, having come from an extreme left/liberal ideology and was once fond of socialism (not anymore) and anarchy (still to a certain extent).)

So while having a fab time last night I was tweeting up a storm. As always, tweeting from my luddite’s phone is one-sided. After tweeting about the joys of chocolate martinis I received a text from MasterDoc saying, “not TOO much booze babe.” Darn. I had planned on one more drink, but I got a soda instead. It was cute when I told Monk about this as he tried to help me think of a loophole, “What if someone else bought you a drink?” Nothing like a Dom trying to help you circumvent your Dom. Hee hee. I said no, he would still be unhappy if I drank too much.

Now on the outside, it looks like I simply submitted to MasterDoc and did as he wished. But in my head went a whole thought process:

“Aw man! I wanted another drink! How much is too much alcohol? I’m not feeling all that drunk. Could I justify one more drink as not being too much? I think MasterDoc would be unhappy with me having four martinis in one night though. And I could never lie to him. Damn. Ok, I won’t have another.” It’s a struggle. In the end, however, I thought MasterDoc’s point of view was right. I was perfectly happy that I didn’t go for one more drink. He was watching out for me. Granted, one more drink probably wouldn’t have made a HUGE difference, but I really did not need another.

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Coming up is the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers on December 17th. Please, let’s promote the idea of sexual freedom for all and safety for ALL workers. And to support the work of Sex Work Awareness, please buy a NYC Sex Blogger Calendar (there’s a special offer there for the month of December from Audacia Ray).

Pee-Shy

Published on November 30, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, caning, dom, edge play, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, piss play, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, show, spanking, squirting, submissive and sybian. 3 Comments

I was feeling extra shy and anxious about the show MasterDoc had planned this morning. I knew that the guy coming liked to watch women pee; he had watched DeeDee on one of her recent visits. I am super pee-shy. I get anxiety just from trying to pee in a crowded public restroom – and that’s from within a stall where I’m by myself. MasterDoc joked with me today that he wondered what my mother managed to do to me when being potty trained that I should have such anxiety issues. Max Lagos asked me on twitter why I was pee-shy. I know intellectually that we all pee, it’s no big deal, it’s merely releasing waste liquid from your body. But somehow at a deep subconscious level I feel anxious about it. It’s embarrassing. It’s something that’s supposed to be totally private. I hated hearing about DeeDee’s experience. Just hearing about it was painful.

MasterDoc reassured me that it’s not a big deal if I couldn’t manage to do it. He tried to allay my anxiety but I still thought to myself, “I need drugs! Now! Tranquilizers! Alcohol!”

When our guest showed up he asked me how the library business was. I figured MasterDoc had mentioned what I do, or the blog or something, but our guest told me that he had seen me before a while ago. It must’ve been one of the shows earlier on in my relationship with MasterDoc. I did panic for a few moments wondering if I knew him from where I work. I think I just eventually got to the point, as I was sucking MasterDoc’s cock, that I was in for a penny, in for a pound and should just go with it. Whoever this guy is he already knew I’m a submissive slut.

MasterDoc had me go back to suck his cock for a while. I had been in the middle of doing that when our guest buzzed the door. I did lots of deep throating when I went back to sucking him, and focused totally on the blow job. He had me take his cock out of my mouth for a moment and look up at him while he stroked my cheek with his cock. He had me take the head just a little bit into my mouth, still looking at him. Eye contact with MasterDoc is hot for me, but eye contact with others is really difficult.

MasterDoc bent me over the scoop on the floor. He asked if I wanted to be bound with the wrist and thigh cuffs and I said yes. Even though the position might have potentially been uncomfortable I was keen enough to try it because I’ve craved bondage. He beat me with two of the canes, the two floggers. I focused on breathing in order to deal with the pain. He told me to look at our guest, and I could barely fix my eyes on him for more than a split second. I kept closing my eyes and looking down. Eye contact is harder for me than many other things. Pee on me. Make me lick your ass. But please don’t make me make eye contact with someone I don’t know. With my anxiety level already high, it was exceptionally hard.

Apparently the flogger left a nice pattern on my upper back and the canes left a nice pattern on my butt. Unfortunately there was no camera handy. MasterDoc dipped his fingers into my cunt to see if I was wet, and I was so wet you could hear the squishing. He caned me some more and then released me from the bonds. I kept laying face down over the scoop because I didn’t want to see our guest.

MasterDoc had me sit face up with legs spread, but he let me wear a blindfold. I used my bullet vibe on my clit, and as usual I felt turned on knowing there was an audience but not being able to see said audience. MasterDoc had me turn back over. He lubed up my ass with his finger in case he decided to fuck my ass. I rubbed the vibe against clit and moaned as he fingered my ass. He backed off a bit and said, “Show me how much you want it. Show me how much you want my cock.”

I was writhing and humping the vibe. He had me get up on my knees to get fucked from behind. After some thought as to which hole he’d take, he fucked my cunt. The blindfold allowed me to relax and focus on what was going on. When he let me come I squirt a huge puddle all over pillow and rug. (Next time I will hopefully remember the throe.) He kept me coming a good long time and I squirted more than once.

After a rest, MasterDoc decided to put me on the sybian since I had been a good girl this weekend. But I first tried to nonchalantly ask if I could go use the bathroom. MasterDoc picked up on my attempt at passing it by him and right away asked me, “What for?” When I said I had to pee I covered my face with my hands and felt embarrassed. But there was no letting me off. The two men followed me into bathroom. I was instructed to sit on the toilet leaning back, with my legs spread. I tried to pee, really I did. MasterDoc asked me if I’d prefer looking at him or eyes closed. Definitely eyes closed! Our guest ran the water faucet in the sink. That didn’t help. I couldn’t help but laugh when MasterDoc added in the bathtub faucet. I struggled with trying to relax my sphincter. I shifted my weight around, put my hands up to my face; I was really fidgety. They eventually left me alone but I’m wasn’t supposed to go without letting them know. I still couldn’t pee. Several more minutes passed, and MasterDoc came in to tell me that our guest had said to let me off the hook about peeing, and get me on the sybian. MasterDoc let me pee without an audience but with my anxiety level so high I still had some trouble. Eventually, I managed to get a little out and I rejoined them in the living room.

We got me situated on the sybian. MasterDoc told me that as I’m working up to coming I can look down or at him, but when I’m ready to come I have to look at our guest as I ask permission until MasterDoc gives me permission to come. I find that even with sybian cranked up I can’t overcome my anxiety over making eye contact. It’s clear to MasterDoc that I’m overwhelmed by anxiety when I don’t come or even seem all that close to coming. He finally gives me permission to just come, and even then it takes several seconds before I can truly orgasm. I bury my head in his chest and hump the sybian as I come.

Our guest leaves after this, telling me he likes my smile as he says goodbye. I’m so embarrassed I can barely look him in the eye. I curl up on the sofa with the throe over me while MasterDoc walks him to the door. I’m feeling a little like I’m in shock, or having a touch of PTSD. I think it’s just that extreme anxiety will cause me to get a little triggered. After some talking with MasterDoc about the experience and how I felt, I calmed down and the bad feelings went away. I wonder if it would have helped to have me pee in front of MasterDoc before trying a stranger. I can pee in the same room as Davey or MasterDoc, but I have only once in my life had someone actually watch me pee. (And that was totally not erotic to me and I had a hard time then too. It was about 10 years ago with the guy who was my boyfriend at the time.) It made it even harder knowing that they (MasterDoc and guest) would enjoy seeing my embarrassment and struggle with this task. MasterDoc was not at all upset with me for not being able to do it, but the experience was stressful on the whole. Luckily, we went out for tea (sandwiches, scones and a large selection of teas to choose from) after and this very urbane meal helped me feel more centered and relaxed.

MasterDoc asked me if the experience was at least hot, and I had to admit that I was too anxious to feel turned on. The caning turned me on. Using the bullet vibe on myself turned me on, but any eye contact or pee attempts freaked me the hell out. I was feeling a little bit hot about the idea before our guest arrived. But with someone there I don’t know, I was overly anxious.

Friday

Published on November 29, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, bisexuality, dom, embarrassment, exhibitionism, flogging, humiliation play, kink, masochism, orgasm on command, restraints, sadism, sex parties, sex toys, squirting, submissive and wax play. 2 Comments

We had quite a busy evening Friday night. MasterDoc booked a couple to come over for show before we were to head out to a party. I’m not used to doing shows in front of couples, or women. Both parties in the couple are Dom inclined. They were nice people and nice looking people. We got to chat a bit and then got on with the show.

MasterDoc had me take my pants off and spread my legs in the recliner. On some levels I have no trouble being bottomless in front of other like-minded individuals. But spreading my legs and being the only slut in a state of obvious arousal can be humiliating. But as we know, a little humiliation is hot to me. MasterDoc used the Acuvibe on me. I closed my eyes as it was easy to deal with the little embarrassment that way. It also helped me to focus on feeling good. He had me hold the vibe to my clit, and he came over with a flogger to my thighs. My pain tolerance is a strange thing, fairly tied to my level of arousal. While sometimes I yell out because something he does hurts, other times it makes me so totally hot. Friday night was the latter.

Warmed up a little, he had me lay over the Liberstor Scoop (rounded side). He used his hands on me (which can sometimes be more vicious than an implement. The man has large hands.) and the flogger, maybe the cane too? I was totally into the sensation of being beaten that night. He reached between my legs and ran the vibe over my cunt. Then, he grabbed a candle and lit it, but the surprise factor was ruined when someone in the couple piped up, “Hot wax!” He dripped it over my ass and thighs. I’m glad he’s gotten into wax play again lately. I had missed it. He had me turn over and he ordered me to sit with legs spread. I instinctively put my hands behind my head. He tortured me with hot wax on my thighs, even pushing my thighs open wider with his foot to reach that ultra-sensitive spot. MasterDoc used the Acuvibe on me to make me come. Some embarrassment led me to not come quite as hard as I usually do, but mental focus helped me psych myself up into coming as hard as was possible. I squirted a little bit and certainly did come. (I make a point of not faking orgasms. However, I will psych myself up more into something if my physical responses aren’t up to par on a given day.) I think a lesser orgasm for me is probably still much more intense than a regular orgasm for some women.

After working me over for a bit (time was limited), MasterDoc gave the woman in the couple a sybian ride. She’s quite cute, and fond of dominating women, so I hope we will see her (and her gentleman) again.

The sybian saw a lot of action Friday night.

We went to a new play party – or new to us anyway. The host of the party had friended us on Fetlife. Play parties always being an expense to consider, MasterDoc had me write to the host and offer to bring his sybian in exchange for the two of us being comped. (Please, don’t assume a doctor makes an obscene amount of money, it’s not always true.) And luckily that was perfectly cool with the host.

When we arrived at the party, we set the sybian up. I got to chat with a really nice young queer guy who was dying of curiosity to try the sybian. MasterDoc assured him that he had tried it himself (despite being terminally straight, he loves anal stimulation) but I think the guy doubted MasterDoc’s hetero point of view. The party had a nice variety of people there. The host is black, and the proportion of black people there was much higher than most kink events I’ve been to. In general, most people were pretty nice and friendly. It was a great atmosphere. The only bit of diversity that seemed missing were obvious lesbians. Most women seemed to be bi, but unlike the clearly queer guys there didn’t seem to be any clearly queer women.

I got a second chance to try the violet wand. I like it and wish we could afford one (those things are expensive!) But it was a pretty casual thing while we were standing around and the owner of the wand happened to plug it in near us and start using it on (willing) people.

The space had three rooms and a common area, we never made it into the dance room. I prefer being able to talk to the people around me, unless I’ve specifically gone out to dance. In the quietest room, a fem Dom who had been talking to us earlier came in and reached out to caress both me and MasterDoc as we sat side by side on a table. She had some toys that we haven’t used: a braided flogger and a dragon’s tail. To quote John Mellencamp, it “hurts so good.” As I stood with my pants down and head on the table, MasterDoc came up next to me and talked me through breathing slowly and controlling my breathing to control my response to the pain. It hurt, but with appropriate breathing I could manage. MasterDoc took a turn with the braided flogger – owie. It requires a different technique than he’s used to with a regular flogger so it hurt more when he did it. He used the magic wand on me as our new friend flogged me.

My ass was nice and red and sore after. The room we were in had mirrors so I got a good look. Next came the sybian ride. As usual, I was the first one at the party since other women were tentative about trying this machine out. I had my usual screaming orgasm – it went something like this: “Oh god, oh god, oh fuck, oh fuck, *scream* oh fuck, fuck, fuck, oh yes, oh god.” (Lather, rinse, repeat.) It felt like the orgasms were wrenched out of me. (I wonder if my uncoordinated grasping at MasterDoc during this is what led to the loss my new bracelet. I really have no idea when during the night I lost it.) After, a guy who had witnessed it told me, “Please, don’t hold back. You should let us know how you feel!” I was fucking loud.

Besides me, and the lady earlier in the evening, six ladies enjoyed a ride on the sybian. The first lady, begged for a second ride and MasterDoc gave it to her. She would have gone for round three if she was permitted. She convinced her sister sub to take a ride, and she (a lovely, tall, curvy, African-American lady with glasses and pigtails) looked like a woman possessed as she came. Their Dom handcuffed the first lady for her ride (I think that’s hot!). Every woman was a satisfied customer. One told her boyfriend “fuck you” as she came uncontrollably on the sybian. Funny thing is she’s the one lady to find MasterDoc on fetlife and thank him for the ride. One guy worried about how he’d measure up to the machine, but I assured him that despite my love for the sybian, I still want MasterDoc’s cock on a regular basis.

The only drawbacks to the party was that there was no where to fuck (it was a space rented from a theatre company), the music was really loud, the space quite crowded and you couldn’t bring beverages into the rooms where you played. But it was one hell of a fun night!

On the way home, I was desperate for a pee. As we walked through the cold to his building, MasterDoc teased me a little. We got inside, and he went to the elevator – and merely rested his hand by the button! Argh! Then as we waited for the elevator he came up behind me, reached around and pressed my tummy by the bladder. Evil, evil man! In the apartment, he stood between me and the path to the bathroom. He is truly a sadist! It was a relief when I could finally go.