Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but MasterDoc will be traveling for much of September. (He’s taking advantage of JetBlue’s offer for unlimited flights for a month for $599.) I will see him roughly once a week – on the nights when he’s back in town to go to work. This weekend I’ve been trying to savor every second and get in as much kinky sex as possible.

I had to be patient through a football game on Saturday night, but the patience paid off. When MasterDoc had gotten himself settled in the bedroom he called me in. He had DeeDee on the phone and she was going to listen in. She suggested that he use the new canes on me – she had gotten the impression from this blog that I wanted that. And yes, it’s one of those things I had mixed feelings about – I wanted to feel the cane (the lightest one anyway!) but I was a bit afraid of it.

So he talked to DeeDee via speaker phone as he got me on the bed and warmed up my ass spanking me with his hands. I was eagerly anticipating the cane and once warmed up he gave me what I hoped for. He used it fairly gently, he  later said that he used it at about 2/3rds of its potential. It left lovely red stripes on my ass which unfortunately I didn’t get to see. Some strikes were pleasurable, some made me squeal and pull back. But overall, I really enjoyed being caned. I’m sure it will be quite some time before I’m able to take the third cane we got – the thickest and sturdiest. We talked about this after, and I had to say that I’m sure that cane will hurt plenty, and like the sick freak that I am I will love it!

He fucked me from behind and made me beg for it. I was so horny and yearning to be fucked that I lost my usual shyness to say dirty things and I had no problem declaring that I wanted his cock inside me. He made me say that I’m a dirty slut. He made me beg for a while before he’d put his cock in. Instantly, I was hot and stimulated. I wish I could adequately find the words to describe a penis sliding into my aroused and engorged pussy. The thrill that comes from the feeling of it sliding in and touching the sides of my tingling cunt, filling me up.

He fucked me hard and smacked my ass a few times during. He did a lot of dirty talk – probably to make sure DeeDee had something good to listen to over the phone besides my moaning. I love when he talks dirty though. When I begged to come he made me beg for a moment and then let me come. At the sound of his voice telling me, “Come,” I am hurled forward into orgasm. I don’t know if I’m getting better at not squeezing his cock our or if he’s getting better at keeping it deep inside as I orgasm – but lately he stays inside me much longer than he used to. When his cock was pushed out he slapped my cunt while I kept coming. Lately he makes me come for so long I’m not sure I can keep coming at that point. Usually I’m having a hard time breathing, but meanwhile I feel absolutely amazing as I come hard.

I rested after coming and MasterDoc talked to DeeDee, trying to help her come. He made her watch some snowballing porn (i.e., women taking a guy’s come and passing it between their mouths). He had watched some earlier and that was what got me in the mood. It’s one of those things that I find disgusting on one level, but so frickin hot on another level. DeeDee did NOT sound happy about watching it and the idea that he plans to have her and I do it. He told her that she could come, but she’d have to do it while watching a snowballing porn. Ooh meanie! He’s done that sort of thing with me before (piss play). He’s skilled at desensitizing you to things you’re put off by. I start out repulsed by something, but after months of threatening to do it to me, I start to see it as erotic – BECAUSE it’s dirty, disgusting and therefore it’s fucking hot for him to make me do it. It’s very much a power exchange type of play.

On Sunday, I was still horny and I hoped that we might play a little before he headed out for the afternoon. He’s talked about canceling his cable and internet while he’s away this month, and I asked what we’d do for porn without any internet. He pointed out that he has dvds – and then impishly said he had the Japanese one with the Vienna sausages. Now, I’ve been teased with this story of the Vienna sausages since I started dating him. All I knew to this point was that the porn was really nasty and disgusting. He has a can of Vienna sausages on hand to tease submissives with. I finally asked him to tell me just what it was they do with the Vienna sausages in the porn. He asked if I really wanted to know, and he would be on the verge of telling me and then go, “Nah.” I ultimately begged him to tell me as my own thoughts of what it could be were getting pretty disgusting, and I really just wanted to know what the hell it was about. And he told me: in the film they put Vienna sausages up the submissive’s ass. Then they have her poop them out – and they reach in, pull out the sausages and have her eat them. Ewww!!! (No mixed feelings on that scene – I don’t want to do it!) I said that I thought maybe they put the sausages up a guy’s ass and made her eat them out of his ass. MasterDoc thought that was a great idea and I knew I’d made a big mistake telling him that. He started teasing me mercilessly. I tried to save myself by pointing out that I don’t eat beef, so therefore I won’t eat the sausages. He said, “Chicken Vienna sausages!” I said fine, if he could find some – thinking that’s something that’s just not made.

Oh shit. I was wrong. He found them online quickly. Shit. “Damn you amazon.com!” I cried. “Damn you!”

Luckily, the shipping for a case of them was nearly as much as the cost of the case of Vienna sausages. Phew. I decided not to hate amazon so much after that. But he searched further and there are other, cheaper, options for getting a hold of chicken Vienna sausages. Urgh. I now live in mortal fear of him getting his hands on some.

Ever since he played the snowballing porn the night before, I wanted him to come in my mouth. I mentioned this many times Sunday morning and eventually it sounded like I might get my wish. I wasn’t totally sure it would go the way I wanted it to when he took an extra bath to wash his ass extra well. I thought for sure he’d make me lick his asshole while he jerked off. I was in a very subby mindset that day, so I might have been less turned off about analingus than usual. He went off into the bedroom and told me that he’d call on me in about 15 minutes or so.

When he did call me in, he told me to put on my collar. I entered the bedroom, excited, and put my collar on. He looked me in the eye and told me to get in the right mindset. I stood with my hands behind my back and said, “Yes, Sir.”

“So you said you wanted my come in your mouth,” he said archly.

“Yes, Sir.”

He had been laying on his side, leaning a bit forward. At that point he rolled his body back a bit and revealed small puddles of his come on the Fascinator Throe. He instructed me to come over and lick his come up. I got on hands and knees on the bed and bent down, dragging my tongue through the drops of come. He told me he wanted to see at least one string of come coming out of my mouth but the drops would disperse in my saliva really quickly. I licked slowly and carefully. Upon request, I stuck my tongue out for him to see. He told me to go, “Mmm good!” and I did, with more enthusiasm than I once did. And he told me to swallow.

It hadn’t been quite what I fantasized, but being in a subby mindset I was happy for whatever he gave me. I was happy to be his cum slut, licking his come off the blanket. He had me remove my collar and we got up.

In the living room, he came over to kiss me, and I playfully stuck my tongue out at him – encouraging him to give me a deep kiss. He called me a wise guy and made me put my collar on again and get on hands and knees on the bed. He gave me some sharp whaps with the lightest cane. I’d whimper sometimes. It was short, and when he was done he had me take my collar off and told me, “Now, that wasn’t a punishment. It was a treat.” I said, “Thank you, Sir.” and was a very happy girl indeed.

I will miss him this month.

My mind is reeling with dirty, dirty things. I think I will spend a lot of time writing kinky erotica while he’s gone.

Last night MasterDoc and I went to a couple of different parties – one was hosted by a local bdsm group at a bdsm club, and the other was a bdsm-themed party at a swing club.

We arrived early at the bdsm club and wandered around. I wore my new leather waist cincher for most of the evening. The cincher is a little like being in bondage all the time. There wasn’t really any playing going on and there were lots of single guys there. We hung out for a while, wandered the club and eventually settled in the back of the dungeon. MasterDoc had me lift my skirt and pull my panties down so he could bend me over a medical exam table and spank me. He used his hands and the riding crop – I had kinda hoped he’d try out one of the new canes we got last weekend. He worked at it for what seemed like a while, and I was definitely in subspace by the time the spanking was part way through. Much of the time, the pain was immediately sublimated into pleasure, other times, it hurt. It’s really interesting how the body/brain can process pain sensations in different ways. What hurts like hell one day can feel like a massage the next. My head was down the whole time, but I could tell that there were people watching my bare ass get spanked. I like knowing there’s a crowd watching, although I will generally keep my eyes closed. I was in a such a great space mentally that I didn’t really want the spanking to end. But end it did and we went off in search of food.

The food wasn’t quite ready yet, so we wandered around some more. At one point I sat down in a chair and MasterDoc sat on some bondage equipment, higher than me. At that moment it would have been so hot to have some sort of mind fuck domination thing – having him over me and me having to look up to see him was hot in and of itself. I was really into the Dominance/submission thing last night. I crave it lately. Earlier, when we were walking to the club from the car, MasterDoc would tell me crisply to watch my step at times, and I thought to myself that the way he said it was something I would take kindly to only from him. It someone else took control like that and took care of me I probably would have been miffed. I would have told them that I’m not a child and I can take care of myself walking down the sidewalk. But with him it was suddenly a part of our dynamic.

After the buffet at the bdsm club, the party organizer set up speed dating – the bdsm version. We entered as a couple. The first woman we spoke to seemed enthusiastic about play, but didn’t pick us when all was said and done. There were a couple of butchy Dommes there and I thought it would be interesting to be properly dommed by a woman. I’ve been the bottom for sub/switch women before, but I’ve never actually played with a Domme. But, the women we indicated we’d like to play with apparently didn’t opt to play with us. Oh well.

We went on to the next party, being held at a swing club we used to go to pretty regularly. There were a lot of people there but only a few playing. The host of the party said he had a violet wand and we both perked up. I’ve never used one before. I was told to remove my clothes and I lay down on a massage table. I was told to hold onto a metal square attached to the wand – when someone else would touch me, they (and I) would get a shock. Next the square was placed under my butt cheek and I was tapped with an all metal flogger – every touch would cause a spark, a tingle. I would shriek and giggle – it was somewhere between a tickle and a shock. The power was kept pretty low, so I’d be curious to see what it would be like a little higher. Sometimes it hurt. Bystanders started poking me on the arm to feel the electricity for themselves. It’s kinda funny how much it made me giggle.

After the host left us, I relaxed on the table for a moment. A young woman came over to us and said to MasterDoc, “She’s so pretty.” (About me) She was pretty cute herself and she was invited to touch me if she liked. She was a bit shy at first but soon was groping me. MasterDoc got the acuvibe out and used it on my clit. He teased me and I wanted to come soon enough. Our new ladyfriend wanted to bite me so after asking she bent down and bit my stomach lightly. She sucked on my nipples a bit and MasterDoc continued stimulating me with the acuvibe. Soon I was writhing and moaning and begging to come. He let me come, and jeez, I was like a mad woman. I was writhing on the table, screaming out, flinging my arms above my head and grasping the edge of the massage table. He kept the vibe on me and I just went from orgasm to orgasm – it definitely felt like forced orgasm as I was made to keep coming even when I was a little out of breath. Oh god, it was divine. Really amazing.

He had me get dressed and we wandered around a bit more. Our new friend wandered off herself. Eventually we came to settle in a back bedroom and MasterDoc was going to have me suck his cock and then he’d fuck me. But our ladyfriend from earlier found us, and she joined us on the bed. She wasn’t comfortable playing with MasterDoc but she was keen to play with me. Next thing I know she’s fingering me and I’m rubbing my clit. MasterDoc gave me a little face slap and after a while of letting things build up I asked to come – and I came really hard with her fingers inside me. Again, I was reeeeeeally happy.

After I had recovered, I turned my attention to the lady beside me. I started caressing her full breasts and she pulled her top down to expose them. With her urging, I pinched her nipples and sucked on and bit them. Eventually I put my right hand over her crotch and I could feel her damp panties. I played with her clit while  continuing playing with her breasts. I figured that my advances were quite welcome, so I slid a hand into her panties to touch her clit directly. She was really wet.

I kept up my ministrations and soon had fingers in her cunt. She told me that she could take more than two fingers in her cunt, and I took the feedback as instruction. I worked first three, then four fingers into her wet pussy. I curled my fingers up towards her g-spot and stroked. Her vagina would contract, and then push out a bit and it was frequently changing. It was difficult to keep fingering her but I kept it up until my arm was exhausted.

Unfortunately, she hadn’t come by that time. And I was disappointing her by stopping. After a bit of a rest, however, I had her scoot over a bit so I could sit on her other side and use my other hand. I worked my four fingers in and out of her until she came. I could feel her vaginal muscles clench my hand as she came. She was a happy camper after.

She left us after a bit, and MasterDoc asked how tired I was. It was getting late, but I was still enthusiastic about fucking as we hadn’t done that yet. He fucked me from behind, and a small group of people gathered to watch. I was so aroused at this point that every thrust felt amazing. I begged to come and when I was allowed to, I came long and loud. It took a little while before my vagina managed to do the eject thing it does. MasterDoc then slapped my pussy to keep me coming and I came and came. Wow. Did I mention that I was really happy last night?

MasterDoc’s cock was still hard and so we fucked again, this time with him on top (and more people watching). I was off in another world. I came loud and long again for the fourth time that night.

We headed home, and I was so sleepy after the excitement of the evening. I felt into a deep sleep until the alarm went off to get me up for work the next afternoon.

MasterDoc and I got a late start leaving his place, so we arrived late at the convention center. The first class was in progress around that time, so we opted to wander the space and look around, check out the play equipment and briefly look at the vendors. Then we went to the hotel and got settled. We went out to dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant – I was wearing a low cut top by that time. My cleavage got some double takes at the restaurant. After dinner, we went back to the hotel and met up with DeeDee. The three of us went downstairs to the meet and greet in the hotel lobby, but none of us were very good about striking up conversations with new people, so we went over to the play space in the convention center.

Walking in was magical – it was like some grand, perverse, adult Disneyland. Huge suspension frames towered overhead, and the music added to the atmosphere. MasterDoc was being very attentive to DeeDee as she’s very new to all this; apparently (I know now) he was concerned that it would be overwhelming and freak her out. I however had a hard time with being relatively ignored despite realizing that yes, she was new and could use some attention. After all, despite my experience in bdsm and playing in public, I was overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people around at the event. I had also earlier voiced my preference that he and I attend this event alone, since it was the first large scale kink event we had managed to get to. So Friday evening, I had a meltdown. I felt ignored and so frustrated with the idea of being ignored the entire weekend since I was the “experienced one.” I grumpily sniped at MasterDoc a bit and he pulled me aside to discuss the issue. He decided that the three of us would play, and the focus would be on me to help soothe my feelings of being ignored. Unfortunately, at this point I was in such a negative headspace that I couldn’t get into it. He had me lay down, naked on a futon and he and DeeDee played with my body a bit. Now, none of this unhappiness is personal to DeeDee – I like her a great deal; she’s a nice, smart, attractive lady who has always been respectful of the relationship I have with MasterDoc. I’m glad that she and I are becoming friends. The issue I was having was not her fault. MasterDoc tried to make me come with the acuvibe, but my head just kept mulling over how I felt frustrated that DeeDee would have to be included in everything we did that weekend – that I wouldn’t have the time alone to play or cuddle with MasterDoc that I wanted. And this alone time was important to me, because even though I’ve had a lot of fun with MasterDoc and DeeDee together, it does change the dynamics of the situation. So as this scene went on, I couldn’t come and when MasterDoc slapped my thigh it really hurt and I nearly started crying. I could not get into the right headspace. We ended up scrapping the scene, and walking around watching the various play going on around us. Back at the hotel, MasterDoc and I had a good talk.

Saturday morning I was feeling better, especially since MasterDoc had reassured me the night before that he and I would have some play time alone that night. After breakfast, we went to a piercing/needle play class. It was a 301 level course, but I hadn’t seen any lower level piercing course and I was really keen to learn about play piercing so we went. The demo model is clearly experienced in this sort of play as she never once cried out in pain as she got jabbed with needles, or the needles were twisted around in her flesh, or the inserted needles were pounded against by the instructor. People who wanted to got to don gloves and give it a try on the model – MasterDoc gave it a go. Being a medical doctor, he has experience using needles, just not in this pervertable way. I was keen to try it myself, but as a bottom. They lay me down on a table and prepped my arms with disinfectant. MasterDoc slowly pierced the flesh of my upper inner arm with a few needles. It hurt, but I could handle it. Then the instructor of the class came over and jabbed me with needles and thumped against the painful area with the needles still in. Yikes. For the rest of the weekend I referred to hear as the mean lady who had hurt me. (Grin.) I bled much more on the side that she did, and after a particularly harsh jab from her, I cried out, “Ow! Don’t let her do that!!” My arm bled a bit on that side, but I’m not fazed by a little blood. MasterDoc helped me clean up and recover after. I was a bit irked by the fact that the instructor was so focused on “Well this is a 301 level course,” that she didn’t listen when MasterDoc explained that while that’s true, I was totally new to needle play. He asked her not to get too rough with me and she didn’t listen. So much for consensual. Funny thing is, later on the side MasterDoc did bruised quite a bit and the other side barely did. But the other side still hurt more.

I did have some endorphins flowing afterwards, and I needed a bite to eat. DeeDee had joined us by this time and she had a protein bar in her bag which helped me come back down to earth. When I was ok, I left them to attend a panel discussion on how to make a living doing bdsm.  MD and DeeDee went to “rope bondage for the knot challenged.” (MasterDoc is surprisingly not good with rope, by his own admission.) The panel discussion was lively and featured Dr. Clockwork, Lee Harrington, John Baku, Jay Wiseman and Nina Love. I was taken by Lee Harrington’s sense of humor and skill at leading a panel discussion.

Next, MasterDoc and I went to a class on consensual non-consent. I really liked how the myth of it being “the top can do anything they want to the bottom then and the bottom can’t safeword” was dispelled. Still, I’m curious about some consensual non-consent play. I need to explore why I’m interested and discuss it at length with MasterDoc before we do any.

We three had dinner and then went back to hotel for a nap and shower. DeeDee opted to stay in so MasterDoc and I could have some time alone – which I really appreciated. He and I went to play space and wandered around, watching the various play going on. I felt anxious to play and when MasterDoc commented on that choice of words (why not “eager” he asked) I explained that large crowds make me feel socially ill at ease and if we were actively playing I wouldn’t feel that. I wore a hot outfit that night – plaid schoolgirl skirt, fishnet stockings, red bra with black mesh top over it and black waist cincher. For our first play, he spanked and paddled me as I knelt on a futon. He had just bought a new paddle that day and this was the first time he had tried it out. I like it so far. He gave me a good hard spanking and then made me come with the acuvibe. After a short break, I stroked and sucked his cock to hardness (no penetration without condoms in the play space at Floating World, so I couldn’t just suck him hard w/o the condom on.) When he was good and hard I rode him until I had an amazing orgasm. As I came, he slapped my face roughly and called me whore – oh boy did that make me come harder. Even after my muscles had pushed his cock out I kept coming and convulsing as I lay against his chest.

We were both hungry by this time, so we went to the midnight buffet. Unfortunately this consisted of cold pizza and salad. Still, food was needed. We wandered around some more, watching. I saw some littles play and commented to MasterDoc how I don’t get it, but I did have to admit that it was cute when I watched it – just not what would turn me on. There were (human) ponies all dressed up, pulling carriage rides. I saw some beautiful suspensions. We looked for another space to play and pretty much everywhere was taken. Eventually I snagged another futon. This time he used the clover clamps on my nipples as I sat cross-legged facing him. Jesus do those things hurt. But I followed his orders to breathe deeply and slowly so I could manage the pain. I found that after a while the pain would subside and I’d feel all hot and aroused in my cunt. It would hurt again, however, and after a short while he took them off, having me take a deep breath as he released their grip on my nipples. Then he lay me down and used the acuvibe and archer wand (I love glass toys!) to make me come so hard I squirted and even dampened my skirt despite having pulled it up to my waist. He made me go back to the hotel with my skirt all wet – I wasn’t allowed to dry off all of my come.

After this wonderful evening, we went back to the hotel. At his suggestion I showered since I was more awake then than I’d be in the morning. We fell asleep and I slept soundly until MasterDoc’s alarm went off and he cuddled me to wake me up.

I’m enjoying a staycation this week, mostly knocking about the local area and crashing at MasterDoc’s. I thought I’d be home half the time, but I’ve ended up at MasterDoc’s more than I thought I would. I took myself out for afternoon tea today, and it was a lovely way to spend an hour (while reading). Today has been fairly relaxing. I’m going to do a little cleaning around MasterDoc’s, but nothing terribly taxing.
I had a hard time yesterday; Davey and I are having issues in our relationship and we had a difficult talk the night before. I don’t want to go into detail here, but I’m hoping we can work things out. Talking with MasterDoc and getting cuddles from him yesterday helped me get some focus on the issue. Plus, he gave me a beating I sorely needed.

Last night I was interviewed by The Oh Team for their online radio show. I’ve never been interviewed like that before but I had a good time and it was easy to talk since the topic was sex. Their podcasts are available free on iTunes, so be sure to give my episode a listen when it becomes available (8/17/09).  During the show, the hosts remarked that I should be spanked for having not listened to any of their shows before going on. I didn’t quite notice, since I was focusing on the interview at hand, but MasterDoc (who had been listening to the broadcast in the next room) ducked his head in and swung his hand back and forth, miming giving a spanking. Hee hee. I did point out to the hosts, however, that I was getting a beating that night from my Dom, if that made them feel any better.

So after the show, me and MasterDoc met up in the spare bedroom. He was feeling sorta cuddly at that moment so we cuddled for a bit, but he did manage to psych himself up for giving me a beating. I was definitely overdue for one – I’ve been out of sorts lately. The beating was fantastic – hands and floggers and the mean strap. He’d start out light, at a level where the beating is more like a massage, but then work up to something more intense, and the pain would start. He takes me into the pain zone, keeps me there a short while, and then backs off to a tolerable level. He’s very good at telling when I’m reaching my limit – I make noise when it hurts too much. Up and down the level of intensity goes until I’m in another place entirely – not only in my head, but I’m very much in my body as well. The outside world ceases to exist – it’s similar to meditation in that way.

He had me flip over and sit up, and he flogged my breasts and inner thighs. He snapped the flogger hard against my left nipple around three times, and the pain was something else. He took a moment, reminded me to breathe deeply, and then he flogged some more. It’s funny, when something really hurts I want it to stop, but then if he did stop, I think I’d be terribly disappointed.

He had me get back on hands and knees and beat me some more. I think I had fallen into the rhythm of the beating by this point, and mostly surrendered to whatever pain it brought me. He told me I could play with my cunt, so I did. I wasn’t sure if I could get my arousal up to a point where I could come, but then he prodded me, by telling me I could continue or stop. When given the choice I opted to continue – somehow his suggesting I stop suddenly turned me on to no end and I wanted to come. I rubbed my clit furiously with my right hand while supporting myself on my left arm. He beat me some more and the beating brought me even closer to orgasm. He gave me permission to masturbate to orgasm if I liked and hitting me just intensified rush of pleasure in my clit. The hitting helped me reach orgasm, and I was happily surprised to reach it that way, since I’m very much used to having a vibe on my clit and not using just my hand to get off. I stroked my clit feverishly as I came, I could feel my diva cup inside me as my vaginal muscles clenched around it. (I have my period.)

For once I didn’t keep going until he had to tell me to stop, I wound down slowly and brought my hand away from my clit. MasterDoc told me I could fall forward and I lay on my stomach, catching my breath and basking in the afterglow. He climbed into bed next to me, cuddled me, and I could feel the endorphins rushing through my veins. It was quite similar to taking a drug (like, say, ecstasy) and my mood was elevated and the feel of endorphins rushing around my body felt amazing. I wish everyone could understand how a beating can be soothing, invigorating, arousing and an act of love.

As an aside, at some point during the evening we commented on the idea of how I’ll be handy when MasterDoc is in his dotage and needs an adult diaper. Heh, I can’t remember exactly how we got on the subject, but it’s probably just as well I don’t share it. It dawned on me then, that a submissive would be more ready for such intimate care than, say, someone in a vanilla relationship. After all, in my vanilla relationship, if we use an anal toy, you wash it if it’s been in your ass. But in a D/s situation, the sub washes it regardless. After being so intimate as to wash your Dom’s anal toys, to massage his ass in great detail to help him get to orgasm, and even having had a bit of his poo on your finger after having it up his ass, you’re quite set to do something like change an adult diaper. While some vanillas do know their partner’s ass pretty intimately, I think that level is more likely to exist in a D/s relationship.

Today I have a small bruise on one ass cheek – it’s really a pity that I don’t bruise anymore. I think there’s also a small bruise on my inner thigh. But nothing like the colorful marks that were left when he first started beating me two years ago. (I still bruise easily on my arms and legs when I bump into things – I’m a total klutz – but my spanking zone doesn’t really bruise anymore.)

I spent a little time with MasterDoc this weekend, after spending some much needed alone time. He’s spending as much time with his daughter as possible before she heads off to college, so that left me with time on my hands this past weekend, as Davey was away visiting another girlfriend for the weekend. While I’m prone to depression when I spend a long time alone, this time I really enjoyed myself. Granted, towards the end of the time I was getting restless, bored and lonely. But I got some stuff done around the house, including going through all my clothes to bag up things I don’t wear anymore. I hit Trader Joe’s for the first time in ages. Now my closets and dresser are neat and I have spectacular things to snack on. Huzzah!

I was hoping we’d go out Saturday night, but MasterDoc decided to stay in. He gave me a wonderful intense spanking using the riding crop. Initially I couldn’t tell what he was hitting me with – had he picked up a cane? When I eventually saw it it made sense, and as we were without a crop for a while I forget that it’s in his arsenal of toys now. I was enjoying the sensation but not close to orgasm when he said to me, “Come.” Wow, that was difficult. I focused my thoughts on orgasming and in less than a minute I managed to eke one out. It wasn’t as intense as an orgasm would be if I was fully aroused at the time, but through sheer will I managed it. He’s trying to train me to come via different sensations. I have certainly come from just a spanking before, but I wasn’t expecting it so I was thrown off a little. I think the ideal situation would be if I could eventually just come on command from a cold start. May or may not happen, but one can dream and strive.

He checked his email when we took a break and he found out about a party going on that night. I had already taken my sleeping medication by this time, so I wouldn’t be able to stay awake if we went out. He wondered if he could get someone to go with him. I was bummed because I had wanted to go out, had taken my medication as early as I did due to his request, and was horny and wanted sex with orgasms that weren’t eked out in the heat of stress. (Yes, I’m a demanding slut.) He encourages me to put his desires first some of the time, but I’m only human, and being ditched at the last minute really would have sucked. Ultimately he stayed in with me, for which I was very thankful.

He fucked me a little later, doggy-style, and I was so aroused that eventually I had to give in and beg for orgasm. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to come then and not have the fucking continue a bit longer, and I said that I wanted it to continue. Actually, I don’t think “said” is the right word – I gasped out my hope that he would keep fucking me. He kept going and I was going nuts on the edge of orgasm. When he let me come, I came hard and his cock got pushed out. He slapped my pussy, fingered me a bit as I continued to come. He grabbed the Acuvibe Mini that was laying on the bed and pushed it against my clit – oh holy mother of Jesus! – I came harder than I can remember in a while. And that’s saying A LOT. He kept pressing against my clit with the vibrator and I kept pressing back desperately trying to keep my clit in contact with it while I came. Afterwards, I was totally spent.

On the non-sexual side of things, my issues around jealousy and insecurity came up again. I’m sure some monogamous folks would say, “Well maybe you want to be monogamous.” But I have to say despite my insecurities, I really don’t want to be monogamous. Too bad I’m not a Domme as my ideal situation would be me gallivanting around with multiple partners and my lover being mono to me. But, uh, definitely not going to happen when one is a submissive! I do like knowing that MasterDoc is happy – and I know that having a variety of lovers, and enjoying flirting and chasing (and fucking) new women, is something that makes him happy. It’s in his nature. I do not expect it to ever change. And I can understand wanting variety as I do too. So that leaves me with trying to find a way to not be so insecure, not be so afraid of being abandoned. I need to find ways to keep myself busy when I have free time and thereby not get too upset if I can’t see MasterDoc for a while. (I mean, I love spending time with him, so not seeing him will never be a happy prospect, but I need to find ways to keep busy.) Davey is busy often with other girlfriends these days, I need to find myself someone else to spend time with.

Those of you who aren’t jealous types – how do you manage it? How do you process the idea of your love being with someone else when they could be spending time with you instead?

On Monday, I was feeling a bit blue. Suddenly biology got the better of me and I yearned for a baby. Me, the woman who for years proclaimed she didn’t want children, now suddenly yearns for one. I think it has a lot to do with being 36. My friend said I’ve got “the baby rabies” and she sure is right.

So I felt blue about it – not sure if, when or how I will have a child. I chatted online with MasterDoc and told him that I needed a beating. He was having dinner with his daughter that night, but if I wanted to hang out at his place until he was done he would give me a good beating when he got home.

He got home earlier than he planned, and so there was plenty of time for the beating. He got my collar and a bunch of implements and had me kneel on a pillow on the living room floor, leaning over the arm chair. My body was in the mood for a beating – most of the blows that fell on me felt soothing and rhythmic. He alternated flogging, bare hand spanking, the crop, etc. His hands can sometimes be the harshest implements. I would get into subspace and feel lulled by the strikes. But then he’d ramp it up a bit, and pain would set in – stinging pain. I’d start moaning and crying out. He’s excellent at judging how far he can push by listening to the noises I make.

He had me lean up a bit and he took the flogger to my upper back. It’s a solid thud that reverberates through my chest. I wondered if perhaps this would manage to bruise me, but unfortunately I was totally mark-free the next day. He spanked my ass more and returned to my upper back again later. The beating felt cleansing, soothing, and put me in a delightful sub space. He would stroke my back with his hand now and then, sometimes feel between my thighs to see if I was wet. I felt distinctly aroused and at times like I could come with only the slightest of stimulation to my genitals.

When he was done, about 10 minutes later, he was a little winded (it’s work!) and sat down on the other arm chair. I stood up and faced him, and shyly asked if I could have a cuddle. While the beating is therapeutic, I do need a bit of aftercare to complete the process. I squeezed into the chair with him, and my butt felt divinely sore. (When I got up later he pointed out how very red it was.) I was giddy and feeling romantic as I cuddled up to him. Vanilla people can’t comprehend, but that beating was an intimate, loving, sexual experience for me. I didn’t have an orgasm or any of the “usual” types of sexual stimulation, but I felt satisfied after. I woke up the next morning in a great mood.

Tonight, talking on the phone with MasterDoc I pointed out that as of tomorrow (Thursday) it is exactly 2 years since the day we met. “That’s so sweet, that’s romantic!” he exclaimed, followed by, “Remind me to piss in your mouth to celebrate.”

I burst out laughing. For while he surely will piss in my mouth one day, this was hopefully one of those times he says it for affect.

Where to start? A little while back MasterDoc had a potential submissive listen in on us fooling around via the phone. I can’t find the entry where I mentioned it, but I did mention it here. Anyway, her name is DeeDee. She lives a few states away and has been talking to MasterDoc online a great deal. It’s interesting to get glimpses into their interactions; It brings me back to when I first met MasterDoc. He just had her fill out the BDSM check list (there’s many online this is just one) recently to see what she likes, what limits she has. (I was relieved that she rated analingus a 2 – it’s lower on the list of desirability for me!) I do get moments of insecurity (cuz, you know, I’m a horribly insecure person), but ultimately she seems cool and I’m sure we’ll have fun together.

Tuesday night, he decided to have her listen in as we played. He encouraged me to be much more vocal than usual – something he realizes is hard for me – and I did my best to vocalize what I was feeling. It was easier to make noises than to speak words, but I did manage a few words from time to time. He went into the next room to start the phone call, and left me laying on the Liberator Escape in the living room. I thought to myself that he’d probably like it if I was warmed up when he came back, so I started stroking my clit.

He came back in with his phone set to speaker. I could hear DeeDee on the other end. He had me get on hands and knees, and he started spanking me. I tried to be louder with my reaction noises than usual. He hit pretty hard for a while so it wasn’t hard to be noisy. He’d talk to DeeDee now and then, and I’m pretty sure she was playing with herself at the other end. MasterDoc had me sit up. He had me suck his cock for a while, and it’s great when he’s got someone listening on the phone, because he becomes very verbal about how good it feels and how I know what he likes. Definite ego boost. After he was good and hard (he was pretty hard to start with), he gave me the blindfold and I put it on, sitting cross-legged on the mat. He announced that he had nipple clamps in hand. He gently scolded me for not bringing the clover clamps and pointed out that he wants me to learn how to take them by now. He went to put the clamp on one nipple, but the screws were set so the clamp was pretty loose. He didn’t play around with the tightness, but instead started slapping the inside of my thighs. I had been kinda looking forward to the nipple clamps, I almost wished that I had brought the clover clamps. Lately I find myself fantasizing about the clover clamps, but still too scared to put them out as the toy of choice.

He had me lie down on my back, and he sat between my legs, slapping my thighs and pussy every now and then. I wish I could remember in more detail what he said to DeeDee, it was all pretty damn hot. (This is why I rued having to work the next day and not having time to blog this right away!) He fingered me – finding just that right spot inside. He knows how to work my g-spot really well and I was moaning and begging for orgasm in no time. “Please may I come, Sir!” I sometimes wish he would take over my g-spot like that more often – it’s amazing. He teased me into a frenzy. When he let me come, the orgasm and blindfold combination nearly made me feel like I had blacked out. All capacity to think was stopped and I came hard, very hard. And he kept me coming for what seemed like a very long time. When he had decided I had enough, I caught my breath and we could hear DeeDee on the other end of the phone. He had given her permission to come when I came, and we could still hear her coming. He tried to tell her to stop just then, but I don’t think she heard him right away. He repeated himself until he was heard, and it sounded like it was hard for her to stop. (I know that feeling!)

Next he had me get him really hard again. He asked DeeDee how she thought he should fuck me, and she suggested my getting on top and riding him. I got the Liberator Wedge and put it under his ass and got on top of his throbbing cock. It felt so good to have him deep inside me, and I think having DeeDee listen made it even hotter. I moaned, and cried out and told him how good it felt. When he let me come, again I came long and hard. I wondered to myself if he was trying to impress DeeDee with how hard and long he could make me come, but he didn’t realize that he had me come any longer than usual. After I had finished, I stayed on top of his cock, and he brought the phone to his ear to hear DeeDee coming hard on other end. I stroked his chest as he listened, knowing that he’d want me to make him feel good. He told her, “That’s it. Come. Come DeeDee.” I hope that his voice telling her that makes her come harder like it does me.

DeeDee is due to visit MasterDoc for the first time on Monday. I may get to meet her Monday night myself.

Friday, MasterDoc and I did something we haven’t done in a long time – we did a show. I can’t really remember how long it’s been – months – and I don’t have the patience to sift through old blog entries to figure out exactly how long it’s been. Suffice it to say, a long time. Without telling me, because he doesn’t usually tell me, he posted an ad online that asks if people want to come learn about bdsm.

My sinuses were bothering me that morning, so my first reaction was negative. But after I woke up a bit more and had some time to adjust to the idea, I was keen on it.

MasterDoc spends a good amount of time sifting through the men who respond to his ad. (I have to ask him, has a woman ever responded?) After years of doing this with a variety of subs I’m sure he’s worked out well how to tell who is ok to come and who is not. He had a nice young Irishman come over. I have to say, it was easy to hang out with the guy, a little less easy to be slutty in front of him because he was so darned nice. But I managed to get properly into subspace. And he seemed to enjoy himself a great deal.

MasterDoc frequently starts with having me suck his cock (this after some chit chat and gathering info on what the guy is interested in seeing). It’s a good way to start, I can bury my face in his crotch and forget that there’s someone watching. I can get into the beginnings of subspace with the simple act of sucking his cock. It’s easy until he makes me turn and look directly at the guy. I always feel shy when I have to engage with the guy at all. He had me look at the guy, and MasterDoc took his cock and slapped it against my open mouth a few times. Very slutty. He knows how hard it is for me to make eye contact. But doing it even though it’s hard for me is part of my submission.

Next, he had me kneel in front of a chair and take my pants down. My pants and panties around my knees, I knelt and leaned over the chair. He demonstrated spanking me, and flogging me. He really went at it – but it turned me on. He had me set up some toys ahead of time, and my folly was putting out the small leather flogger – it really stings when he flings it from hip to hip. I swear, the skin on my hips is more sensitive than the skin that’s on my butt.

Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I enjoyed it a great deal. He commented on how my ass turns nicely red these days when he spanks me. He had me get on the chair (it’s a recliner) and show my pussy to our guest. It’s funny how I feel shy, and yet I do it without any real hesitation. I really am an exhibitionist. MasterDoc got a towel to put down in case I came. He had me play with some toys and I used the Fun Factory Bloomy I just got. I’m really fond of it already. It curves up into my g-spot and the outside bit rubs against my clit. At one point MasterDoc got me to take my hands away, and he commented on how slutty it looks with the toy sticking out of my cunt. He wants a picture of that. He gave me the Acuvibe Mini and I used it on my clit. I got really worked up, but then he started slapping the inside of my thighs. He asked me if I was ready to come, and I had to admit that I wasn’t quite there. “I’ve been hitting you to hard to come,” he commented, and that was precisely the issue. Some pain hurls me closer to orgasm, and some pain is just too much to eroticize – and the level of pain that is one or the other varies from day to day.

He had me get on the Liberator Escape on the floor. I used the Acuvibe Mini on myself and got really worked up. He made me look at the guy and show him how much I wanted to get fucked. I could tell the guy really took pleasure in watching me get myself worked up. MasterDoc asked a few times, “Do you want to get fucked?” And every time of course my answer was, “Yes, Sir, I want to get fucked.” I was so aroused that my begging for cock was very real at this point. I had myself on the edge of orgasm, and having someone watch really added to the hotness factor.

He had me put a pillow under my ass, and he got down on the floor mat to fuck me. The guy got up to get a better view of the fucking. I was lost in desire. MasterDoc made me beg for orgasm, and I really came hard when he let me. I squirted, and felt the hot liquid run down my ass onto the pillow. The guy hadn’t quite seen the squirting, but when I got up the pillow had a large wet spot on it. After, MasterDoc talked a little about the idea that men judge women based on what they look like during orgasm – i.e., that the different faces (and, I’d presume, noises) women make are attractive to different men. I had never thought about that before. I know myself, that watching a woman during orgasm can be an amazing experience. Men are fun to watch too, but their orgasms seem to be over much more quickly. A woman’s orgasm can go on for a while.

The guy seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself. And I enjoyed the fact that my sluttiness turns people on. With the money from the show, MasterDoc treated me to sushi that night.

I had a mostly quiet weekend, which is strange when you learn that I went to a bdsm/sex party on Saturday night with MasterDoc. Of course, this is not so strange when I mention that I had my period, and spent the night freaked out about my Instead cup leaking. Those things don’t do too well during heavy flow days (for me).

I did get to ride the sybian and ended up being the first person naked, I think. I find this thrilling, stimulating and a bit embarrassing. It’s strange to be naked in front of a room of strangers and acquaintances. It’s naughty and definitely a turn on. I find that I can’t necessarily look at the people around me, but I like knowing they’re there. I like that MasterDoc enjoys us being the center of attention. I used the flat top to the sybian since I’ve had trouble with using the dildo attachment while wearing a cup (the cup ended up pinching me – no fun). This was the first time I rode the sybian without a dildo attachment. But considering much of the sensation comes from the vibration and from my clit grinding against the nubby pad, the dildo wasn’t much of a loss.

MasterDoc teased me mercilessly. He’d ask others in the room if they thought I should be allowed to come, and apparently they said no! So he teased me some more, more than he had ever done before. I was in a frenzied state. He had me begging for orgasm, all the while making sure I begged loud enough for others to hear. I was the wanton, aroused slut begging for sexual release. Eventually he let me come, and I was loud and rocketed into another world. I found myself humping the machine desperately, moaning, clutching at MasterDoc’s legs in front of me. I get a little spastic at the time of orgasm on the sybian. I’m also completely unintelligible.

I had to actually ask him to stop, as I started developing a headache. Asking him to stop is rare, and getting a headache from orgasm is pretty rare for me as well. MasterDoc took care of me, going upstairs with me to get a drink and then he put me on the sofa while he went off in search of some acetaminophen for my headache. I appreciated the fact that he took the time to see to me when I wasn’t feeling well. He’s good to me. (When he’s not being sadistic, that is!)

Later, I got to watch the party hostess ride the sybian. She goes for the largest phallic attachment it comes with. I’m always amazed as that dildo is too large to be comfortable for me. But she loves it and it’s fascinating watching a woman ride the sybian. I saw her humping the machine as she struggled to hold back from coming just as I did. MasterDoc took the controls for a while, then her fiance came over and she sucked his cock while riding. Her fiance took the controls and had her suck his cock as he sat in the chair in front of her. A woman is just in another world when she’s on that thing. It’s beautiful to watch her face contort as she’s taken over by ecstacy.

We got home late that night, and then on Sunday ended up sleeping half the day away. (Got up, had breakfast, went to lay down for cuddles and then both felt drowsy so we fell asleep for a couple of hours.) Sunday night, I wandered into the bedroom where I knew MasterDoc was preparing for some sex. He was on the phone with a new lady he’s been speaking with. He wanted her to listen in as he did things to me. I sucked his cock and he made more happy noises than usual so his new ladyfriend could hear on the other end. A little later, he slapped my inner thighs and pussy for a while – asking his ladyfriend if she liked that. He made me come using his hands and did his best to tempt her with the prospect of coming that hard. She only listened in for a while. I hope she enjoyed it. (She’s read this blog and enjoyed it, happy to say.)

He fucked me from behind, and made me into a moaning mess, desperate for orgasm. He let me come and kept me going with his fingers even after my vaginal muscles had pushed his cock out. I was very happy and quite satisfied.

On Monday I didn’t have to be at work til later (as did he) and we spent some time together in the morning. He had me suck his cock, and I tell you, I really get into it. Sucking his cock made me so horny! We fucked some more, him hitting my ass with the riding crop all the while. It felt good, but then my hips started to get tired (I was on top). I had to ask to stop, and sadly that meant the end of sex as it was getting late. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel anxious over not having reached orgasm. My arousal subsided easily unlike some times when it lingers until I’m able to come. I was just happy to have that intimate time with MasterDoc on a Monday morning, a time I don’t usually get to spend with him.

I’m reading a fantasy novel right now, suggested to me a while back by my friend Divasub. It’s called Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey. I’ve just come across the bdsm themes in the book, and now understand why she recommended it to me.

“Alone among angels, Kushiel understood that the act of chastisement was an act of love; and the sinner in his charge too came to understand, and loved him for it. He gave them pain like balm, and they begged him for it, finding in it not redemption, but a love that transcended the divine.”

This flowery prose seemed lovely to me when I read it this morning. Last night MasterDoc was wonderfully dominating and it was so what I needed.

At the start of the evening, we went looking for porn online and found a librarian porn video. I can’t find the link to it now, unfortunately. (UPDATE: MasterDoc gave me the link.) It was very amateur – just one camera angle. But the “librarian” (I think her glasses were meant to identify her as a librarian) wore a collar and wrist and ankle cuffs. There was a definite bdsm overtone to the video. And while going down on the guy, she put her hands between his legs to massage his inner thighs – just like I do with MasterDoc! We laughed and wondered if perhaps someone was inspired by our hijinks.

We tried out my new ceramic vibe. Unfortunately it was not as wonderful as I had hoped. I will review it later. I grabbed the acuvibe mini when told to get another toy and I used that to bring myself just about to the edge of orgasm. MasterDoc then had me stop, bend over the liberator scoop, and he fucked me from behind. He’d spank me every so often. It felt great and I wished that he’d let me come like that. He stopped, and started spanking me with my new crop. When that didn’t seem to be as hard as he’d like, he started spanking me with his hands. It went from painful to incredibly hot. I was on the verge of orgasm (he had me play with my clit at the same time) when he started hitting harder. He told me to come, but the pain had just crossed the threshold from stimulating to painful, so it took me a few seconds to be able to come. But I did manage. I’m surprised I didn’t squirt.

We took a break, and then he had me get on top and ride him. My knees were worn out from exercising earlier in the day, but I managed to ride for a while. I got close to orgasm, and he helped me along by asking if I was ready to come, “Right now.” Often, even if I’m not quite to that point his asking me that will put me on the edge. He told me to come, and I came. While I was coming he said, “Come now cunt, and I’ll piss on you when you’re done.” I decided that I had better enjoy my orgasm while I could, and I came really hard. I hoped that he had been just threatening the pissing. And as we cuddled after I thought perhaps that was the case.

I went to get ready for bed, and when I came back from the bathroom, he was holding my collar. “Put this on,” he said, “And come with me.”

He led me back to the door of the bathroom. It was clear that he hadn’t forgotten or threatened idly when he said he was going to piss on me. He told me to get in the tub, on my knees, and if the tub was cold well that was just tough shit. I did as I was told, wincing at the idea of what he was going to do to me. He made me say I was ready, and made me say that I wanted him to piss on me. I clenched my eyes shut as I couldn’t bear to look. He started to piss on me, and with my eyes closed I could sorta block out what it was, and just enjoy the feeling of warm liquid running over me. I could ignore the faint odor of urine and pretend it wasn’t pee. He told me to hold my tits up. I didn’t react fast enough and he ordered me to do it again. I did as I was told and he pissed all over my tits. The piss ran down my body and I was fairly drenched in it by the time he was done. I tell you, he had to have been saving that up all evening. It seemed to go on a long time.

I was feeling humiliated and stunned afterwards. He told me I could rinse off and he was kind enough to get me a towel to dry off after. I carefully rinsed myself off and patted myself dry. I found that I really needed a hug after that. Humiliation play can be pretty intense, and while I like it I definitely need a hug and reassurance of some sort afterwards. I found that while piss play was every bit as humiliating as I would imagine, I didn’t freak out or fall apart from it. Of course, I don’t know that I would have been so composed if he had pissed in my mouth.

While in theory I don’t like piss play, I have been craving some serious domination lately, and this really fit the bill. I wouldn’t let anyone else piss on me. Only he has that power over me.

I slept soundly last night. And a few minutes after waking I remembered, “Oh jeez! He pissed on me last night!”