Despite some epiphany over the route to take to get better and move on from the assault, of course doing so will be an ongoing process. Reading Hiromi’s blog entry yesterday got me worked up into a right lather of “bitterness that other victims should exist at all.” Ever since the assault I have far more rage than I’ve ever had in my life. I’m fucking angry. I’m angry at anyone who forces themselves upon anyone else. I want to knock their fucking heads in. I realize that of course I have a right to be angry, and that it’s understandable to be angry, but that doesn’t make it any easier to live with. I definitely have to find some way to work through or channel this rage. Doing my own art therapy comes to mind, as I did a couple of sculptures after the assault to help me work through what happened. Doing things that make me feel talented, accomplished and therefore worthwhile and strong and superimposing those good feelings over the bad ones is another idea. I threw myself into some crochet this morning to get my mind off things. At least I’m accomplishing something with my energy when I do that.
I am a worthwhile person, dammit. I hate the fact that this event undermines my self-esteem so much. I didn’t deserve what happened to me, and it was wrong. It doesn’t matter if the guy who did it to me knows that it was wrong or not. I AM A WORTHWHILE PERSON. I have much to offer this world, and letting him take that away would be giving away more power to him than he took in the first place.
Sometimes, feeling angry makes me feel weak. It makes me feel controlled by the anger. But right now I feel like my anger is strength. The strength to go on and not let myself be defined by this one event. I suppose it’s all in how you channel it and use it. Activism would be a good route to go right about now. Protesting and marching for women’s rights. Shouting at the top of my lungs to bring attention to the subject of sexual violence.
It’s really funny that the time I was raped doesn’t affect me half as much as the assault did. I suppose it comes from having been in a situation where I trusted, and then having that trust broken. Trust wasn’t developed in the situation where I was raped (it was a date rape situation, I barely knew the guy). There’s also the fact that I blocked the experience out of my head and hadn’t realized I was raped for about nine months after the fact, and still don’t remember many details. Whereas I remember the assault vividly. Perhaps it’s just that the rape was so many more years ago, nearly a decade now. Perhaps it’s not as bad because in some way I can understand someone wanting to have sex with me and pushing me into doing it despite my protests. I can’t understand why someone would stick a speculum inside me and then keep it in there after I said it was hurting me. I can’t understand the sick mind that thinks that’s okay. I suppose I don’t want to. None of this makes sense or is fair and that’s what’s so hard to live with. Somehow I have to find what steps will help me live with it and use my strength for good.
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