Diary of a Kinky Librarian

The week seems to be going downhill, in stark contrast to how happy and optimistic I felt last weekend. Granted, I think having memories of the assault triggered have put me in a funk, and I’m probably looking at this much more darkly than I should. I just want to move on and not have it affect my life anymore!

I mentioned to J. how the assault came up in conversation with L. and his email back included the sentence, “Tell me more about the assault.” So now I’m thinking, “Great, this will somehow be a strike against me. He won’t want to fool around with someone who is willing to say that someone assaulted her. He’s probably worried that one wrong move and I’d say the same thing about him.” And that’s not the case. I’ve been coerced and pressured into sex more times than I can count, but I only count one time as rape and one time as assault. Both those instances were clearly above and beyond the others. At least with pressure and coercion I made the choice to give in. There was still choice involved. With the rape and the assault, my option to choose was taken away from me.

I’m a world-class worrier, like my grandmother was, so telling me to just chill and not worry won’t work. I’m trying to stop worrying. I know I’m making this into a bigger deal than it probably is. I wish I could just put that goddamned assault behind me permanently. All that work in therapy, I seemed to be much better (hell, I’m horny as I sit here and write this - something I didn’t feel much of for a while) and now it’s come up to the surface again, like a floating mass of pond scum from the depths. I need an extra strong filter to get rid of it, asap.

I just want to be my happy-go-lucky, slutty, horny self again. I’m almost there - in some ways I’m there. But I need to get past these current hurdles.