Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I helped out on the circulation desk this afternoon, and received the following phone call.

Me: Hello _____ Library.
Lady: Is this the library?
Me: Yes
Lady: Well I borrowed this book from you, I borrowed [Book Title] and everything was fine, I was reading it and it was fine until page 82 when there were vomit stains all over it. I mean, it looked horrible, it looks like someone vomited all over the page.”
Me: I’m sorry to hear that. Just return the book and let the person at the circulation desk know that the book needs to be taken out of circulation.
Lady: Well and then there was the other book I borrowed. I have a report to write on Jackie Robinson, for black history month see, (never mind February is over and this is clearly an older adult) and I got to this page and it looked like someone peed on it. I mean it was disgusting.
Me (remaining calm and non-chalant): Really? Well bring both those books in and let us know they need to be taken out of circulation.
Lady: I mean, I never expected to borrow books that have been peed and vomited on! I mean this is outrageous. I can’t believe this. [pause] Well, can I get another copy of the book?
Me: Yes, we can get you a copy from another library.
Lady: This is just so shocking to find books that have been peed on and vomited on! Has this ever happened to you before?
Me: No, ma’am.
Lady: Well it has now! What time are you open to tonight?
Me: We’re open until 8:30.
Lady: Ok so I’ll bring these books in today. Do you have a computer? I need to type my black history month report. Do you have a computer I can use?
Me: Yes, as long as there’s a free computer when you come in we have computers you can use.
Lady: Does it cost anything?
Me: No, ma’am.
Lady: Oh good so you have a computer I can use. Okay well I’ll come in later.

I couldn’t make this stuff up. I thought for a while that it was a prank - or that someone was testing our customer service. I warned my coworkers who were working the evening shift that this nutcase called and was planning on coming in and when my day was over I hightailed it out of there before she showed up. My coworker said, “Did you ask how she knows it’s pee and vomit?” No I didn’t think to ask that. I did wonder though if this woman had done this herself. I’m curious to hear how this panned out, if the woman even came in.