I think that I’m having another one of those “life is going well so my subconscious has to dredge up worries” times again. Yesterday anxiety about the assault came up. It’s not totally unfounded as I might go to a sex party on Saturday with N. and Davey and this woman N.’s dating. As always I have worries about running into the dickwad who assaulted me. But then I was thinking that perhaps the anxiety is coming up because I’m going to go play with my couple for the first time in a long time tonight. And while I know them and feel comfortable with them, I haven’t had any bdsm play in ages and maybe that’s made me a little anxious.
Despite this anxiety I’m starting to feel defiant - and not willing to hide. I’ve avoided putting my pseudonym and references to my old blog on this blog, but this morning I said, “Fuck it.” and now identify myself in the profile section. I’m even considering naming the man who assaulted me (complete with link to his blog). I’m not sure it’s worth the hassle but I’ve really done myself a disservice by not being forthright about it from day one. After what he did to me he doesn’t deserve to be anonymous. He’s the one who should be ashamed. Not me.
I’m not sure if I’m going to that party on Saturday night (N. is waiting to hear back from his date for that night) but I think that if it turns out everyone’s up for it then I should go, despite the anxiety. I need to get my life back and not let fear keep me from having a good time. Fuck it. I’m going to have good life and just ride out the occasional anxiety. As I’ve learned from dealing with some anxieties in therapy, usually the fear before something is far worse than the event actually happening. Someday I might run into the guy who assaulted me. And I will come out of it okay. I’m sure of that.
Good girl. I really like this decision, as long as it’s not too triggery for you.