Diary of a Kinky Librarian

While most days I’m a happy-go-lucky slut, there are still times when memories/feelings of the assault and the rape come up unexpectedly. It’s sometimes quite unexpected what will trigger these feelings. I’ve had feelings come up when seeing something named Jefferson (and there’s a hell of a lot of stuff in this country named after Thomas Jefferson), I’ve had feelings come up earlier this year fooling around with Davey and having a hard time reaching orgasm (and feeling like I’m an irreparably broken human being from the assault. I’ve ended up in tears over this a few times in the past couple of years.) This week, I had an instance when it felt like someone wasn’t listening to me, and it flooded back feelings of not being listened to when I was raped and when I was assaulted. Now, the reaction I had (panic, feeling unsafe) had very little, if anything, to do with the person who happened to be involved with the trigger. I trust the person involved with the trigger. Just as I trust Davey but still triggers have come up with him.

Unfortunately the person involved with this instance of triggering took things personally and was rather hurt that I seemed to not trust him. I instantly felt terrible for hurting his feelings and spent quite a bit of time crying that night. But the fact is, I can’t control these trigger reactions any more than a soldier coming home from war can control feeling panicked at loud noises. The people who happen to be around when I’m triggered don’t generally have anything at all to do with how I end up feeling. Little stupid things can make me feel triggered. I recognize this as simply post traumatic stress and figure I’ll have to deal with it off and on throughout my life. This is why rape and sexual assault are so damaging – they change a person forever. I can never go back to having the level of trust in humanity I had before those two events in my life. And this affects everyone in my life in some small way, whether they know it or not. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to the wonderful men who are in my life who wouldn’t ever hurt me or ignore my lack of consent. But this shit is abundant in our society and it pisses me off. We have legions of damaged women (and sometimes even men) who must try to dodge triggers right and left and get through their lives with some semblance of normalcy.

Thankfully, I spend most of my time not feeling triggered. It happens less and less as time goes on, and I’m better at identifying what’s going on and dealing with it than I was when the post traumatic stress first came on. (Right after the assault I couldn’t be out alone at night without feeling like something terrible was going to happen to me. And I wasn’t in a situation where I was out alone at night when the assault happened. I just felt unsafe all over.) I’d love to think that some day triggers won’t happen to me, but then I’m not naïve enough to think that’s the case.

Oh well, right now I’m post-trigger and I’m determined to have a wonderful time at my birthday gang bang this afternoon. Despite what’s happened to me I’m still a free-spirited sexual babe and I’m not going to let anything stop me from that (for long). Viva pleasure!