Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I’m having a rough week. Friday night triggered memories of the assault in me and so I’ve been dwelling on it. It doesn’t help that at the end of this month marks three years since it happened, and this is a notable anniversary because after this I can’t report it to police. Time will have run out. In a way, it will be a relief, because then I can stop berating myself about how I should watch out for other women and report this man, all the while knowing that my own sanity is what I really need to watch out for. Reporting him would probably yield nothing and I’d be left feeling even more angry and frustrated than I do now.

Then with all my dwelling it dawned on me that next month marks 10 years since I was raped. What a banner year of anniversaries, eh?

To top all this off I don’t think my lowered dose of prozac is agreeing with me. I’m terribly depressed, even having thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation. I took a sick day today to call my shrink and see if I can sort things out. Mostly I’ve just slept the morning away but I did talk to my psychiatrist and I’m going to be back on the higher dose for the time being (after I’m feeling stable again, then we’ll try one day on higher, one day on lower, as an attempt to put my blood levels at some point in between the higher and lower doses).

I’m feeling angry and resentful that the sexual traumas in my life still affect me. I feel that they’ve left me emotionally and permanently disabled. I resent the fact that my relationships with decent men in my life can be touched by the assaults at unexpected times. (Triggers have occurred with Davey, and others, so it’s not just the nature of the play MasterDoc and I engage in. Really, anything can trigger it. There are times when I’m in public and I freeze inside because I’ve seen a man around the same age, build and hair color of the guy who assaulted me with a speculum.)

The problem with when I’m this depressed is that I withdraw and I don’t talk about what’s going on. I’m happily surprised that I took it upon myself to call my psychiatrist. I’m dismayed that I took a sick day because that means it’s really bad. I’m now going to spend the rest of the day reining in thoughts of suicide and hurting myself and just escape into playing The Sims2. And I hope that taking a higher dose of medication today will help lift my mood somewhat.