I had a realization at work the other day. I lead a double life. The life I have at work, the life my parents know about, the life the neighbors see is very different than what my personal life really is. In reality, I’m dating three guys. In reality I’m MasterDoc’s submissive. In reality I’m in love with two men. In reality I’m a slut who loves to have sex as well as write about it.
Now it’s not that the rest of my life isn’t real. I think the reason I had never thought of my life being a double one is that it all fits together for me. The woman who goes out to swing clubs at the weekend and gets spanked in front of strangers is the same woman who gives reference assistance at the library during the week. It’s all integrated for me, but of course it’s not integrated for all who know me. While my co-workers might think I’m a bit quirky (and really, what librarian isn’t?) they have no idea that I’m a polyamorist. They don’t know I’m kinky. But the fact is, they don’t need to know.
While it can be disconcerting leading a double life, it really is necessary. I think we all compartmentalize to some degree. Vanilla people don’t talk about their sex lives at work either. I doubt any personal bloggers want people they work with coming across their blog. (Which of course begs the question, why blog? But there’s something about writing to resonate with others, to connect with like minded people. And in my case, to be an exhibitionist and turn people on.) The internet has blurred the lines between public and private in recent years, but while I talk about my private life on sites like FetLife and this blog, I do keep them separate from my work life. I’d never blog at work. I never check my FetLife or CollarMe mail at work. I think the question of being open about my life comes up in conjunction with my polyamory. If someone at work asks about my boyfriend, do I tell them that there’s really two guys I’m talking about? (While I date D.S. I don’t consider him a boyfriend per se.) All along Davey’s been the “official boyfriend” but what about MasterDoc? He’s just as important to me as Davey is.
Still, it’s probably not worth it to shake up people’s views. Then again, if no one is out about being poly then people who aren’t can easily pretend it doesn’t exist. I have a renegade streak inside me that wants to be open about appropriate aspects of my life. My sex life is not appropriate, but perhaps my relationships are. At any rate, even being open about being poly wouldn’t stop my life from being a double one, but perhaps that’s not dishonest, that’s just now life is lived. And besides, it’s fun to have a dirty little secret.
As we discussed I view your difficulty as analogous to that of gay people 30 years ago. At that time a gay person almost always was in the closet. If asked, he would usually pretend to be going on dates or have a purely fictitious girlfriend.
Poly is at a similar stage now; you have to pretend to have only ONE man in your life.
This too shall hopefully pass.
Until then it is annoying but fortunately nothing more.
It’s a really good observation that monogamous vanilla people do not discuss their sex lives at work.
I’ve worried sometimes if by not “coming out” with a public declaration to co-workers that my marriage is an open one or that I am a kinkster is somehow dishonest, because people presuppose that a married co-worker is monogamous and vanilla. But as against that, a specific disclosure without there being some request would seem to impose on one’s co-workers personal information that they might not really care to know. Maybe like MasterDoc says, one day there won’t be presumptions. I work in a pretty liberated office and don’t “pretend,” … mostly people don’t ask and I know some have wondered and asked co-workers, who is the woman in the other picture on the desk, that’s just gone up recently, a different woman than the wedding picture.
My view is if you don’t specifically ask ME, I’m not going to tell you merely because I know you’re curious and asked someone else about it. Anyway, very thoughtful post! (and it fun to embrace something that is different than the norm of how one is perceived).