Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I never thought this day would come. Finally, FINALLY people are speaking out about how fucked up the guy who assaulted me is. (Here, here, here and here.) I was so alone right after the assault as no one would call this guy on his fucked up behavior. (No one in the local scene anyway. I had lots of wonderful support from friends on the internets and outside the scene. Yes, I’m talking about you Curmudgeony, as well as Davey and others. I appreciate you all.) People made excuses for him, someone was even mean enough to tell me I was crazy (this was one of his girlfriends). I suffered greatly because I refused to shut up about what this guy did to me. I was too afraid to name him at the time, but I realize now that it took a lot of strength to keep talking publicly even when he was angry with the reaction my blog readers were giving his actions and he was treating me like shit behind the scenes. Finally his alcoholism is being discussed. Finally the carefully constructed persona is coming down. Maybe now someone will acknowledge what he did to me.

A friend from that time wrote me yesterday, pretty much apologizing for not sticking up for me more. I felt so happy to hear from her. Losing her friendship in the aftermath of the assault was something I was very sad about. She always acknowledged what he did was wrong, but like most people she hesitated to be really vocal about what happened. It feels really good to reconnect with her and let bygones be bygones. I’m glad that there’s something he took from me (her friendship) that I’ve now gotten back. In seeing his downfall, I also feel like some of the power he had over me has been taken back as well. I feel like I’ve gotten a part of myself back. As I’ve told S., I’d like to spend some time alone today with that part I’ve gotten back, so I can appreciate it and celebrate it.

Schadenfreude is what they call it. I feel an overwhelming sense of schadenfreude. (Leave it to my German ancestors to come up with a word that means taking pleasure in someone else’s pain.) I feel so happy today, happier than I’ve been in a long time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like a huge amount of healing has happened for me in just one day. I feel like crying with relief. Three plus years of suffering somewhat silently has ended.

I believe in karma now. And as they say, karma’s a bitch, Jefferson. While in therapy to deal with the assault my therapist pointed out that alcoholics step over the line over and over again, and that what he did to me was not the only time he’d step over the line. That truth is clear to me now.