Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I’ve had a quiet weekend. Both Davey and MasterDoc are away, so I’ve spent a lot of time by myself. I worked yesterday, but then went to see my father afterwards. It’s so strange driving up there to visit - in some respects it feels like I’m going home again. But of course in many ways it’s changed and I think of the saying, “You can’t go home again.” The town I lived in for so many years has changed subtly (and not so subtly with the new, larger firehouse). It feels kind of familiar and yet peculiar to drive those roads I’ve driven so many times in my life.

My parents separated just before I moved out, and my mother moved out of the house about a week before I did. It’s strange not having her in the house. It’s strange going into the house entirely - from the front door on, because my dad has done so much work on the house since I’ve moved out. The front door is different, the stairs as soon as you walk in no longer have carpeting. The bathrooms have been completely redone. His girlfriend moved in a while later, and now her furniture makes the place feel different as well. So much of my grandmother’s furniture was taken when my grandmother died and my uncle practically ransacked the place. Going home makes me miss my grandmother more acutely. Hell, I even got to missing the family dog that was put to sleep several years ago.

It’s funny that it makes me sad and missing my old life there, because things in my family’s household were always dysfunctional. My mother and I would argue easily, my brother liked to shout to get points across and has real anger issues. (He has now estranged himself from the family.) In so many ways it’s been good that things have moved on, but it can be sad to let go of a time of your life. Driving home, I was bombarded with memories as I drove through town. So many times I’d been there, so many times I’d driven by. So many memories of people who are no longer in my life.

It was kinda nice to have a “normal” weekend for a change. I had dinner with dad and his girlfriend and then we played the card game Guillotine, which I brought along. It was nice to see my dad, even though I don’t feel like I can openly talk about MasterDoc there. (I slid his name and the phrase “my other boyfriend” into a conversation about games.) Dad was kinda freaked out when I came out as poly a few months back on the telephone. I want to have him meet MasterDoc sometime, but in some ways he can be conservative and I’m not sure he can handle poly. He’ll always respect the fact that I’m an adult and make my own decisions, but that doesn’t make him comfortable with those decisions. (Just like he’d never try to change my brother being gay, but he sees it as a choice, rather than inborn, and so while he won’t shut you out he doesn’t necessarily understand either.)

When I got home, to the apartment I live in now, I did feel like I arrived home. It’s kinda like there are three places I feel are “going home” when I go there - the apartment I share with Davey, my Dad’s house, and MasterDoc’s. It’s kinda lovely to feel at home so many places.

The visit to my dad’s house reminds me of a favorite Beatle song:

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all 

But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more 

Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more