So I posted my displeasure about “popular NYC fetish party” on a board at Fetlife when the organizers were looking for input. The organizer got in touch with me and was really nice, trying to encourage me to come again and he’d introduce me to people in “the tribe.” However, I went on to explain that I felt really unwelcome there because of the emphasis on fashion. And his response was only, “well we have a dress code.”
I have no need for a dress code to make me feel kinky. Fetish garb can be lots of fun and I’m all for people dressing up if they like it, but the whole “you’re not really part of the lifestyle unless you dress up” attitude that was reflected in the thread on fetlife just really ticks me off. Dissenting views about the party were met with defensiveness, the following from one attendee:
“We need to remember too: the XXXXXXX is not everyone’s cup of tea. But, also too: XXXXX is a party that is for those who practice bdsm, who are fetishist, who are into the culture, (so if I’m not in a fetish costume I’m not “into the culture”??) the costumes, and just being around people who like to be kinky (um, I like to be kinky but I don’t wear fetish outfits, does this make me “not kinky enough”?)
Will there be wanna be’s; sure everywhere you go in life.
There are many bdsm lifestylers that do go to XXXXXX. There are many pro dommes that go to XXXXXX. There are many fetishist that go to XXXXXX. There are many who are weekend warriors that go to XXXXXX.
This community is one where: tolerance should be our number one goal.”
But a posting later on shows that tolerance in this community only goes so far, “Meanwhile there were the guys in khaki pants (not to mention the guy in brown…BROWN shoes!!!). I know they must have paid the full 30, but still…no attempt was made there.” Apparently tolerance only applies to those who can afford and want to wear elaborate fetish get ups. Tolerance comes to an abrupt ending if you don’t play by the fashion rules. It’s all about style over substance.
To me the whole thing is just horribly pretentious. I don’t have the money nor the need to shell out big $$ on a latex outfit. I do own a little bit of fetish wear (steel-boned corset, PVC dress) but I don’t need to wear it to know that I’m a submissive and that I’m part of the lifestyle. My kinkiness is not dependent on what I’m wearing (beyond my collar, and even that is not 100 percent necessary). To insinuate that dressing up is the only way to be part of the lifestyle is ridiculous. It’s the worst kind of NYC exclusionary “I’m more fetishy than thou” attitude.
I’m sure there are nice people at these parties. I’m sure there are some serious lifestylers. But the whole set up where costuming is more important than BDSM knowledge just begs to fill the place with wanna bes. I think I’ll keep on playing in places where it doesn’t matter what I’m wearing. The party also seemed to only want young people there, and hey, there are lifestylers who have lots of wonderful experience who are not 30 anymore. I’d take MasterDoc, who looks like a nice, middle-aged Jewish doctor, as a Dom any day over some neophyte who has the clothes but not the maturity and presence of mind to be a Dominant. Seeing MasterDoc in leather pants wouldn’t make me perceive him as more Dom, it would seem odd and out of character. He doesn’t need a fetish outfit to be in control and bring me to my knees.
I’ll continue being secure in my kinkiness without needing to dress up and have “the tribe” validate me. Sure the outfits look pretty, but what’s under the surface? I’ll continue to find other places to play. Please, if you’re kinky and you’ve encountered parties like this and felt totally out of place, know that it doesn’t mean you’re not kinky. Bruises and welts say more to me about kinkiness than 5-inch heels.
(Don’t even get me started on how, because alcohol is served at these parties, you can’t be totally naked. I mean, what’s the point of playing if you have to make sure your nipples are covered? Ugh. I’d rather stay home where I can be naked and get fucked.)
Hi! New to your blog but I saw your post on bestsexbloggers and I had a few thoughts to share…
I think there are a few reasons why places have dress codes, and I don’t think posturing is one of them. Though that does abound…
The first one I can think of is to keep out the lookie-loos. I’m not saying that you have to be in uniform for me to feel comfortable playing in front of you, but I always feel a bit uncomfortable when there is that lone guy in the corner in his street clothes. It makes me wonder what he’s doing… is he just more comfortable that way, is he new, is he a reporter, a cop, a voyeur? We’re not all exhibitionists. Some of us don’t want to play in front of people we don’t share kinky values with. Now the same guy with a bunch of others that seem to belong… comfort reestablished.
The second reason falls into line with why I think it’s unacceptable to wear pajamas in public. Though some people may not feel like getting dressed and being presentable (uh… me), I think it’s inappropriate to appear in public like you rolled out of bed. It seems like a love of comfort has replaced the idea that there are outdoor and indoor clothes. I think it’s silly that people have to be told that they should fix their hair, wear actual shoes, and generally look like they intended to go out, rather than that they were suddenly teleported into public. Similarly, I think dressing nicely at an event of any kind is a show of respect for the people you’re sharing space with. You don’t have to wear designer gowns at a cocktail party, but it’s not really cool to show up in jeans - even if that’s what makes YOU comfortable and happy. I think the same applies to some fetish events. I don’t think mandating latex and leather is fair, but I think requiring some kind of non-street clothes is perfectly reasonable. It is an event and the atmosphere is supposed to be a little more formal than someone’s living room. Besides… it should be coming off soon enough anyway.
I’m with you on the weird alcohol rules though… here in SF there are some places that will not allow alcohol of any kind. “It’s a dungeon, not a bar!” And I’m an adult, not a child; I can have a glass of champagne and still be safe. And who isn’t for nipples?