Diary of a Kinky Librarian

If my site goes funky over the next few days, it’s because work is being done on it. Hopefully this will lead to an even better experience for my readers.

Since I knew that I’d have a lot of alone time this weekend, I arranged for a couple of dates to keep me busy. I wrote a tiny bit about the one Friday night that was successful. The one Saturday night was a little less so.

It wasn’t a bad date by any stretch. The guy was nice, intelligent, not bad looking, good company, a reasonably decent kisser (but not exceptional) and pretty far left politically (like myself). I could conceivably date him and enjoy it. I made out with him, and I could feel stirrings in my crotch that could have led to sex if I hadn’t vowed to behave myself this weekend.

But he’s not poly, he’s a guy who recently ended a long relationship so he’s looking for casual dating just now. Now these things (poly/casual dating) are not mutually exclusive. However I do wonder what could happen if down the road he decided that he wanted more with me. Now that would put me in a real pickle because I sure as hell ain’t giving up my other relationships. I am definitely not going to be monogamous. My very first poly experience (before I knew the word/concept of polyamory) went badly when my first ever girlfriend decided that she wasn’t okay after all with the guy I had been dating for over a year before I met her. Things got really sticky. I didn’t want to split with either and in the end I ended up lying to her for a while – I was still dating him but said I had stopped. It was a very long distance relationship (New York – London) so it was easy to just sweep the boyfriend under the carpet when she came for a week-long visit. I do think this duplicity ultimately contributed to the downfall of my relationship with the guy – even after I had maneuvered things with the girlfriend where I got her to break up with me. (Man, when it comes to women I’m such a friggin’ guy.)

The other thing that made me less inclined to see Saturday’s date again is that he’s very vanilla. And while I don’t need kink 24/7 I would feel more comfortable with someone (like my date from Friday) who is kink aware and can understand aspects of the lifestyle. The clashing of vanilla/kinky eroticism has led to difficulties between me and Davey – ones that I still struggle with. I didn’t want to put myself – or another person – in that situation again.

So while I made out with him, I did end the date relatively early (I had been out late the night before and claimed fatigue). I kept putting off rejecting him throughout the date, but as we said goodbye at the train station and he asked if I wanted to see him again, I was honest. “Well, I’m on the fence because you’re really nice and I enjoyed spending time with you, but I think that I’d rather date someone who is actually poly and kink-aware.” He took it well, which speaks well of him. I made sure to add to his dating profile a nice rating, so that other women can know that he seems like someone who’s worth a try – just not someone who quite fits me.

Rejecting someone is so hard when they’re a decent person. If he were a rude lout it would have been so much easier to tell him – no, this isn’t going anywhere.