It’s all too easy for me to forget that most of the world doesn’t think like I do about relationships. Last night I saw a friend I haven’t seen in years (she lives across the country) and while on the outside she’s gothy and unconventional, her idea of relationships is pretty conventional. She has this very nice boyfriend who she’s planning on moving out to the east coast for. I asked her when she’s planning on moving, since I’m the one established friend she has in the area, and she furtively pointed to her ring finger to denote that she’s moving once her boyfriend has gotten her an engagement ring. The idea of waiting to be with someone, of measuring their commitment by a ring is such a foreign idea to me. It’s not that I’m casual with my relationships, not at all, after all, Davey is the first boyfriend I seriously considered living with (and thereby have lived with). But marriage is so far out of my realm of thinking that it strikes me as odd when someone I know wants to get married. Personally, I see it as an outdated institution that’s hardly necessary for happiness and commitment.
Of course, I’m happy that my friend has met someone she wants to be with, and he seems like a very nice (and musically/creatively talented) guy and I’m all for them being together and being happy. I just don’t get the marriage thing. I certainly won’t hold it against her if she marries - that would be ridiculous. Nor would I ever try to talk her round to my way of thinking. It’s just a behavior that makes me scratch my head. Very few relationships in life last forever. Friendships come and go, relationships work for a while then stop working. People change. Davey and I are realistic about the fact that we might not be together forever. While things are going so well we of course hope it lasts forever, but you never know where life will take you. Davey’s been married and as he seeks to get a divorce from his ex finalized he often gripes about how easy it is to get married but how difficult it is to dissolve that legal union. If it was as easy to dissolve it, I might not be so against it. It seems like the legal system is determined to keep you married once you’re there. Society pressures us to do it and then makes it difficult to get out of.
I can understand wanting to have some sort of committment ceremony to declare your love for someone. And I can see legally contracting to partner up to own property together, raise children, etc. but I can’t see these things being requirements. I loathe the fact that marriage is expected of us. I might not mind the idea of it if it weren’t so damn expected. Even though “living in sin” isn’t as taboo as it once was, I still end up bearing people’s expectations that I’m waiting for the ring, that I’d be happier if Davey and I would tie the knot. But I’m perfectly happy with our current situation. I’m happier with Davey than I’ve ever been, and we’re non-monogamous and not married. To hell with the idea that you need those two things to be happy.
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