I don’t have an exciting story to share from the weekend, unfortunately. On Saturday MasterDoc kept me waiting about our plans, and I went a little (ok, a lot) off the rails. It turned out that while on the surface it was him not calling me when he was due to, it was ultimately down to a bunch of extenuating circumstances. I wound myself up as I’m so good at doing (unfortunately) and got really angry and hurt at not hearing from him in a timely manner (at the root of this was insecurity). I got so wound up that I left a couple of angry voicemails when I couldn’t reach him. Dialing while angry and over-emotional = not such a good idea. I was deranged enough to go so far as to say I was on the verge of never seeing him again. God, can you imagine the level of regret I’d feel the next day if I had said I didn’t want to see him again? I’d have been desperately unhappy with that irrational decision and would go crawling back, begging for forgiveness. I’m glad I didn’t take it that far, but he was certainly hurt by my saying that much.
We made up that night, however, and both apologized for our part in the scenario. He also calmly explained the circumstances that came up that prevented him from calling me. While I can get emotional and irrational for periods of time, ultimately I’m a rational person (once I calm down). The main reasons for him not calling were that his phone died on him and his tub accidentally overflowed to the point where he had to worry the downstairs neighbors were going to come banging on his door. He had a crisis that had to be dealt with immediately, and he didn’t get my calls because his phone was out of power and had to recharge. As I said, extenuating circumstances.
I felt, and still feel to some extent, rotten for hurting him by going so far as to say I nearly didn’t want to see him again. It was a ridiculous thing to say as he means so much to me. I can’t picture my life without him. I was angry, insecure and not thinking clearly. I overreacted. I regret what I said.
Thankfully, as I mentioned before we talked and worked things out. I hope I never manage to go off the rails like that again, but I know I’m prone to such outbursts when feeling insecure. For some reason I’m really insecure where MasterDoc’s concerned. I don’t get that way with Davey or D.S. I’m all happy, poly, “go have fun sweetie” with them. This is definitely something to think about and try to figure out. I don’t like being an insecure nutcase - ever. It’s not a happy place to be.
We did have sex on Sunday, but MasterDoc decided to make it low key. I begged him to let me come while he was fucking me on top, and he said no. I accepted this as I knew I had upset him the night before. I didn’t think he was going to let me come at all that day. A little while later he had me get on top. Again I got all worked up and on the edge of coming and this time, without my asking, he suddenly told me, “You can come now.” And the fantastic thing is I did come right then, as soon as he gave me permission. It was amazing to have a hair trigger response like that. Maybe my working on riding the edge while masturbating is working. One can only hope.
I feel relieved that things are sorted out with MasterDoc. I wish I could take back what I said on Saturday night, but the best I can do is apologize and not do it again.
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