Category Archive for ‘libido’ at Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I write here often about having really hot sex with MasterDoc. After all, people want to read about really hot sex. But I think it might help things be in perspective if I finally sat down and told you about sex we had last weekend. I wasn’t feeling especially horny and MasterDoc wasn’t in the mood to give foreplay. So I went into it not feeling worked up or aroused. He had me lube myself up and play with myself, but still I wasn’t feeling all that hot. He asked if I was ready to be fucked, and since I was adequately lubed I said yes. He fucked me, and it felt good but it didn’t get me close to orgasm. After he did that, he lay beside me, stroking his cock while he told me to play with myself. I got aroused but it was still at a low level. He told me to get to the point where I can come, and I was kinda sorta there (but not quite). So when he came, squirting on my hip, and gave me permission to come, I didn’t. Pfft. So yes, MasterDoc and I are quite capable of having so-so sex.

But thankfully that’s not the norm.

I spent Friday at MasterDoc’s and he worked on finding a couple to play with for the night. It seemed like we had a couple lined up when they canceled. I was glad because I was feeling like I wanted to be alone with him. You know how sometimes you just want alone time with someone? I also felt a little triggered, and I didn’t feel okay about the idea of having sex with a complete stranger, which is funny because all too often I think that’s really hot. But I think what triggered me was the mention of us splitting up into separate rooms. It triggered a fear in me related to having been assaulted and raped and I flipped out at one point - this was even after the couple had canceled. I feared what could happen if I was alone with some guy I know nothing about, after all I’ve had experiences when men didn’t stop when I told them to. I spent a little time crying, spent some time cuddling with MasterDoc. I hate that this comes up for me sometimes, but I can’t really know when it’s going to happen.

Thankfully the evening got better. I got the evening alone with MasterDoc like I was hoping for, and we fucked for a while. I got very, very close to orgasm, but he didn’t let me come while he was fucking me. We lay next to each other after, me a little bit further down on the bed so he could watch porn on the laptop. He had me get the Nea and play with myself. I was horny but as he was watching the porn I wasn’t as engaged in it as I would have been if he had been interacting with me. I told him this and he says, “You don’t think I know that?” He starts talking dirty to me, asking me if I’m ready to come. The sound of his voice gets me hot and soon I’m at the point where I could come. At this point I was laying down near his cock as I had sucked it for a while. He keeps talking to me, making me feel like a dirty girl, and I respond by breathing more quickly and yearning for orgasm. He keeps stroking his cock and as he gets to the point of coming, he tells me to come. This time I come as soon as he gives me permission and I even squirt on the bed as I do so. He comes all over my shoulder and we orgasm simultaneously. Things were back to normal.

I’ve been on the lower dose of prozac for nearly two weeks now, and there’s been an improvement with my libido. I’m still not feeling 100% myself, but we’ll see how it goes from here. I’m happy to report that vanilla sex is becoming fun again. I think in the months when I was numbed by the medication, the intensity of something like bdsm or public sex could cut through the layer of numbness I had, but loving, vanilla sex could not. But now I’m responding more, which means really good things for my relationship with Davey considering he and I don’t do bdsm together. Another indication things have gotten better is that I was so totally on the edge the other day when MasterDoc had me use my bullet vibe while we entertained a stranger. I’ve had a hard time getting to the edge and riding it in recent months. I was so close to coming that my vaginal muscles twitched a bit as I took the vibe away from my clit. I could have had an explosive orgasm at that point. Orgasm denial might get a little bit challenging for a change - I hope! (It’s been pitifully easy for me to not come in recent months.)

Of course with the lowered dose also comes more emotions. I actually teared up for the first time in months a few nights ago. (I haven’t been able to cry in ages.) I’m feeling so much more now than I did on the high dose of prozac. It’s nice but it can be a little intense at times. I’m just now realizing how emotionally intense it can be to submit to someone. It seems like nice casual “playtime” at the outset, but I’ve grown quite attached to MasterDoc even though we’re not in a traditional sort of relationship. (I sometimes refer to him as my other boyfriend, but really Dom/sub describes what we have going on.)

I saw MasterDoc for my usual Friday and we put on show for someone. The usual - me being Dom-ed, flogged, fucked, etc. in front of a total stranger. I should maybe keep track of how many people have seen my naked body, but then considering how many people can be around at swing clubs I think it’s too hard to keep track of that sort of thing. Suffice it to say many people have seen me naked. As I said before, I was better at getting to the edge orgasm-wise so it was really fun when I played with the bullet vibe or MasterDoc fucked me. He let me come (he’s so good to me) and it’s nice to be feeling more of it again. (I wonder, can we lower my dose further? Of course then I have to worry about the effect that could have on my depression, the whole reason I’m on prozac in the first place.)

It’s nice to feel like I’m almost having a mini sexual awakening. I hope this improves further, or I’ll be talking to my doctor about options. (Wellbutrin sounds like it’s a good option.)

I went for a walk with Davey today. I’m working on getting past laziness so I get exercise in. That’s the hardest part. I’m eating healthier for the most part and not pigging out on stuff. But the exercise - I’m so bad about exercising. Ugh.