Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I have been known to talk about STIs (sexually transmitted infections) although not as often on this blog as my old blog. I’m very much an advocate for knowledge about transmission, risks, open discussion and a sane, compassionate approach to someone who has an STI. Fairly often there are threads on the discussion boards on collarme or fetlife where people talk about STIs and I find a pervasive attitude - there are many who will not play with anyone who does not have proof of a clear test to provide. I take issue with this for various reasons. Firstly, I take issue with notion that negative tests guarantee you don’t have something. Tests are imperfect. Please don’t read this to mean that tests are worthless - certainly regular testing is a good idea and treatment of anything that arises is advisable. However, a negative test does not guarantee that someone doesn’t have an infection. The example I like to use is how I’ve, from time to time, tested negative for herpes in the years I’ve had it. It’s possible for the virus to be dormant enough that it doesn’t show on a test. There’s also the issue that being tested “for everything” doesn’t necessarily include all STIs - herpes is frequently not automatically included in batteries of tests. (Not unless you have knowingly been exposed, and even then some doctors don’t think it’s worth testing unless you’ve had symptoms.)

Secondly, it is possible to play with someone with an STI and keep the risk to an acceptable level. Dismissing someone out of hand just because they have herpes, or HPV, or even HIV really eliminates a lot of good people from your life right off the bat. I’ve often said that the stigma against STIs is far worse than the STI itself (in my mind, this is true more for herpes or HPV or one of the treatable bacterial infections, rather than HIV which is a serious infection). People treating those with STIs like they’re pariahs, untouchable, bad people, etc. is really unacceptable. I made a poor choice with someone who was dishonest at one time in my life and I was unlucky enough to catch something. But you know what? Herpes is a really minor skin disease. People’s attitudes towards it are really blown all out of proportion. On a recent thread on fetlife someone pointed out that their partner wasn’t comfortable having intercourse with them because they had dormant HSV (herpes simplex virus), but this same partner had nearly died in a motorcycle accident, and yet he still rides his motorcycle. It’s funny to me the grand risks that people will take, but when it comes to an STI they flip out. It is possible to have sex with someone with an STI and not catch it. Condom use is very helpful. People being open and honest with each other, so that the one with an STI feels comfortable bringing up any outbreaks, symptoms, etc. in a non-judgmental environment, will go a long way towards preventing infection. I’m not saying you should ever take a risk with someone who is actively presenting symptoms of an STI - have them get treated, get the outbreak to clear up, get the warts removed before having sex. BUT, speaking as someone who has had sex with people who have HPV, it’s not an automatic deal breaker for me.  As long as we’re both not presenting symptoms at that time, I use condoms and take the risk (and as of my last test results I was negative for HPV). And with so many people the minor risk of infection is so worth spending intimate time with them. It’s possible to take care of your sexual health, while taking calculated risks. If you look at transmission rates for a variety of STIs they’re really not nearly as bad as you are led to believe. I’ll have to ask MasterDoc for the link, but he found stats about HIV transmission and the odds, even when one partner definitely has HIV, of catching it are not huge. Transmission via oral sex is actually quite unlikely. (Not impossible, but unlikely.)

We live in a society where anti-sex sentiment pervades, and the fear tactics used when discussing STIs are just anti-sex propaganda. Yes, there’s a risk. Yes, it’s great if you prevent catching anything because it’s a drag to have an STI. But no, your life will not end, you do not become a bad person, you are not “dirty” if you catch something. And no, you will not then pass it on to all your future sex partners. I’ve lived 10 years with herpes and to the best of my knowledge no one has caught it from me. I take an anti-viral daily, I know my body and avoid sexual contact when I have symptoms and I use condoms consistently. I’ve slept with a lot of people since catching it, and no one has come back to me to say they’ve got it. (I stay on friendly terms with many exes, so I would hear from many past partners if something came up.) When you look at the stats for sero-discordant couples (one has herpes, the other doesn’t) the transmission rate after one year of unprotected sex is only around 3-5%. I hope that my being open will help some people realize that the stigma against those with STIs is really unfair, and grounded in an irrational sense of fear. Just because something is transmitted via sexual contact does not make it a worse infection to get. Ignorance breeds fear - read up on non-biased studies of STIs and get to know what the real risks are.