If my site goes funky over the next few days, it’s because work is being done on it. Hopefully this will lead to an even better experience for my readers.
Since I knew that I’d have a lot of alone time this weekend, I arranged for a couple of dates to keep me busy. I wrote a tiny bit about the one Friday night that was successful. The one Saturday night was a little less so.
It wasn’t a bad date by any stretch. The guy was nice, intelligent, not bad looking, good company, a reasonably decent kisser (but not exceptional) and pretty far left politically (like myself). I could conceivably date him and enjoy it. I made out with him, and I could feel stirrings in my crotch that could have led to sex if I hadn’t vowed to behave myself this weekend.
But he’s not poly, he’s a guy who recently ended a long relationship so he’s looking for casual dating just now. Now these things (poly/casual dating) are not mutually exclusive. However I do wonder what could happen if down the road he decided that he wanted more with me. Now that would put me in a real pickle because I sure as hell ain’t giving up my other relationships. I am definitely not going to be monogamous. My very first poly experience (before I knew the word/concept of polyamory) went badly when my first ever girlfriend decided that she wasn’t okay after all with the guy I had been dating for over a year before I met her. Things got really sticky. I didn’t want to split with either and in the end I ended up lying to her for a while – I was still dating him but said I had stopped. It was a very long distance relationship (New York – London) so it was easy to just sweep the boyfriend under the carpet when she came for a week-long visit. I do think this duplicity ultimately contributed to the downfall of my relationship with the guy – even after I had maneuvered things with the girlfriend where I got her to break up with me. (Man, when it comes to women I’m such a friggin’ guy.)
The other thing that made me less inclined to see Saturday’s date again is that he’s very vanilla. And while I don’t need kink 24/7 I would feel more comfortable with someone (like my date from Friday) who is kink aware and can understand aspects of the lifestyle. The clashing of vanilla/kinky eroticism has led to difficulties between me and Davey – ones that I still struggle with. I didn’t want to put myself – or another person – in that situation again.
So while I made out with him, I did end the date relatively early (I had been out late the night before and claimed fatigue). I kept putting off rejecting him throughout the date, but as we said goodbye at the train station and he asked if I wanted to see him again, I was honest. “Well, I’m on the fence because you’re really nice and I enjoyed spending time with you, but I think that I’d rather date someone who is actually poly and kink-aware.” He took it well, which speaks well of him. I made sure to add to his dating profile a nice rating, so that other women can know that he seems like someone who’s worth a try – just not someone who quite fits me.
Rejecting someone is so hard when they’re a decent person. If he were a rude lout it would have been so much easier to tell him – no, this isn’t going anywhere.
You are a sweet and ethical woman, Nadia. And gracious.
It’s great that you thought enough of him to be honest. Maybe you can remain friendly.
I just posted this to Twitter, but realized that you won’t see it, so here it is for you.
BarristerLarry@NadiaWest Terrific posting and it speaks to people of all persuasions of kink and vanilla. Thanks.
I love the gracious, honest way in which you handled that. I have difficulty rejecting someone myself–I will take this as a lesson!