Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I think sexual energy and creative energy are related. Since getting my mojo back I feel like blogging far more and I’ve started noticing the lack of creativity in many of my posts. They read like a play by play of what I got up to, but there’s no color, no feeling to it. Maybe I’ll change this as time goes on.

I find myself in an introspective mood tonight. I’m quick to blame it on being tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. But then I was sorta in this mood by the time I went to bed last night.

I find myself musing about feminism and bdsm – more specifically how it’s possible to be a feminist and a submissive at the same time. The two seem to be mutually exclusive. I’m quick to point out that outside the bedroom I’m not very submissive at all, quite stubborn and opinionated actually. So perhaps that’s where the division lies – I get hot and bothered by submitting sexually but in my daily life I’m not a submissive woman. Now of course, all this sounds like me grasping at straws to find the feminism in my behavior. “Well now, I might submit in the bedroom but otherwise I’m all feminist! No, really I am!!” I start arguing that being able to express your sexuality however it comes is a feminist act – not letting my sexual desires be dictated by conservative, heteronormative, vanilla society. If I get off on submitting then by all means I should get off that way. But I suppose sometimes I realize that you can’t say that my act of submitting is feminist in and of itself. But I am a feminist who submits sexually. I suppose that’s the distinction. I’d be curious to hear others’ views on this subject.

One way to look at it is that as a strong feminist the idea of submitting to a man’s (or a woman’s) whim is kinky by definition. I don’t see it as the normal order of affairs. I don’t see it has how I “should” be in my day-to-day life. But as a “liberated” woman I choose to play that way. And really it all comes down to choice.

I don’t really even know why I’m arguing this point, as I don’t see the two as having to be mutually exclusive. Just like I don’t see the nerdy, intellectual side of my personality to be at odds with the sexual, slutty part. V. has been asking me how the two sides of my personality get along, and I answer “quite well” as I don’t see them as distinct personalities, but parts of the whole of who I am. Why can’t you be nerdy and someone who works well with kids AND be someone who’s totally into her sexuality and free about it?

This entry is probably just one long, incomprehensible ramble, but it’s what’s going through my head. That and economic theory as MasterDoc had me reading up on why socialist economics don’t work. (He’s libertarian and quite keen to get this anarcho-socialistic person over to his way of thinking. And I have to admit that my political thinking has no basis in economic theory as I have little to no knowledge about it. I can see the flaws in socialism and anarchy, but then I’m cynical enough to think that every political system has glaring flaws. Still, I really enjoy learning about economics from him as I’d rather be knowledgeable in my political views than completely ignorant. I guess it’s time I learned about economics even though the idea of it bores me to tears. Anyway, the nerdy side of my personality really appreciates being with a man who stimulates me intellectually and who seems to respect my intelligence. All my favorite men get me thinking. Heck, all my favorite people get me thinking, one of the things I like about V. so much is that she’s very intelligent.)