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A Beating that Soothed my Soul

Published

Nadia

on July 29, 2009

in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, depression, dom, emotions, flogging, kink, masochism, sadism, sexuality, spanking and submissive

. 0 Comments

On Monday, I was feeling a bit blue. Suddenly biology got the better of me and I yearned for a baby. Me, the woman who for years proclaimed she didn’t want children, now suddenly yearns for one. I think it has a lot to do with being 36. My friend said I’ve got “the baby rabies” and she sure is right.

So I felt blue about it - not sure if, when or how I will have a child. I chatted online with MasterDoc and told him that I needed a beating. He was having dinner with his daughter that night, but if I wanted to hang out at his place until he was done he would give me a good beating when he got home.

He got home earlier than he planned, and so there was plenty of time for the beating. He got my collar and a bunch of implements and had me kneel on a pillow on the living room floor, leaning over the arm chair. My body was in the mood for a beating - most of the blows that fell on me felt soothing and rhythmic. He alternated flogging, bare hand spanking, the crop, etc. His hands can sometimes be the harshest implements. I would get into subspace and feel lulled by the strikes. But then he’d ramp it up a bit, and pain would set in - stinging pain. I’d start moaning and crying out. He’s excellent at judging how far he can push by listening to the noises I make.

He had me lean up a bit and he took the flogger to my upper back. It’s a solid thud that reverberates through my chest. I wondered if perhaps this would manage to bruise me, but unfortunately I was totally mark-free the next day. He spanked my ass more and returned to my upper back again later. The beating felt cleansing, soothing, and put me in a delightful sub space. He would stroke my back with his hand now and then, sometimes feel between my thighs to see if I was wet. I felt distinctly aroused and at times like I could come with only the slightest of stimulation to my genitals.

When he was done, about 10 minutes later, he was a little winded (it’s work!) and sat down on the other arm chair. I stood up and faced him, and shyly asked if I could have a cuddle. While the beating is therapeutic, I do need a bit of aftercare to complete the process. I squeezed into the chair with him, and my butt felt divinely sore. (When I got up later he pointed out how very red it was.) I was giddy and feeling romantic as I cuddled up to him. Vanilla people can’t comprehend, but that beating was an intimate, loving, sexual experience for me. I didn’t have an orgasm or any of the “usual” types of sexual stimulation, but I felt satisfied after. I woke up the next morning in a great mood.

Tonight, talking on the phone with MasterDoc I pointed out that as of tomorrow (Thursday) it is exactly 2 years since the day we met. “That’s so sweet, that’s romantic!” he exclaimed, followed by, “Remind me to piss in your mouth to celebrate.”

I burst out laughing. For while he surely will piss in my mouth one day, this was hopefully one of those times he says it for affect.

Ageism and Sexuality

Published

Nadia

on July 1, 2009

in feminism, musings, sex, sex parties, sexuality and swinging

. 1 Comment

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been forced to confront my own ageism. You can’t date (and swing with) someone 18 years your senior without getting a good long look about your ingrained thoughts on aging and sex. We live in a society where older people, particularly older women, are desexualized. A woman past menopause is seen as fairly asexual. And it’s assumed that older men can’t get it up, but they can sometimes be “dirty old men” leering at attractive young women (which is considered kinda gross but expected - at least men get to retain some sex drive!).

What’s up with that? Our sexuality doesn’t automatically turn off at a certain age. I read a letter to Dear Abby a short while ago from a couple in their 80s who are enjoying a robust sex life, and they wanted to know how to keep their kids and grandkids from dropping by unannounced while they’re having sex. I thought this was fantastic. But when I saw a woman, probably in her mid to late 60s at the party we attended last Saturday, I thought (and said to MasterDoc), “Oh my god that woman’s so old!” MD didn’t take kindly to that comment seeing as he’s about 10-15 years away from that woman’s age. I tried to back track, “But, she looks like someone’s grandmother. I don’t expect someone’s grandmother to be at a swing/bdsm party.” He asked me, “Why not?” And I had to pause. Why not indeed?

While this woman’s wrinkled face gave away her age, she was in good shape and fashionably dressed. But even if she wasn’t, why the hell shouldn’t she experience and express her sexuality? Why was I putting her into this category of someone who shouldn’t be at a swing party? (I don’t go around thinking fat people shouldn’t be at swing parties, for instance. Lucky for me, seeing as I’m overweight.) It unfortunately comes down to my unconsciously buying into the societal idea that older people aren’t/shouldn’t be sexual. And there’s an added layer - we perceive older people being sexual as being “disgusting.” Why is that? Jeez, I hope that when I’m older I still have an active sex life. I don’t plan to dry up and wither away at age 60 or something. What is disgusting about an older person receiving pleasure? (We’re taught that only young bodies are attractive and that older bodies are unattractive.) While my brain still puts forth all these ageist ideas, at least now I’m looking at them, and pondering why I think that way and if I really should think that way.

It’s about time we let seniors be sexual. I’m going to work on my own negative reactions and try to overcome the stigma I’ve learned. I don’t expect it to improve over night, but it’s been gradually wearing away over the past couple of years.

Important Links

Published

Nadia

on February 1, 2009

in sexuality and stis

. 0 Comments

I’ve continued my series over at Best Sex Bloggers featuring reliable links for sex-related topics. So far there’s:

Sexuality

HPV

HIV

2008 in Review

Published

Nadia

on January 1, 2009

in D/s, Uncategorized, assault, bdsm, best sex bloggers, caning, depression, edge play, exhibitionism, fisting, masochism, orgasm on command, pillow princess, piss play, sexuality and year in review

. 0 Comments

I didn’t have plans to do this, but I’ve seen some of my favorite bloggers post year end summaries for the past year and I decided to spend some time today reading through my entries to take a look at the year that was 2008. (I spent hours today re-reading my entries from this year. Damn, I write a lot!)

I started off the year having a great sex, albeit with the hindrance of prozac killing my libido and response. I didn’t consider myself a masochist at the start of the year, but in early February I changed that identification of myself. On the other hand, I started off the year bruising quite nicely, but now I barely bruise on my ass. I was also struggling with coming on command - not quite able to hold myself at a peak of arousal and not always able to come when permission was granted. Davey watched me get Dommed by MasterDoc and MasterDoc made me eat out of a bowl on the floor like a dog. MasterDoc and I continued doing shows for strangers.

In February I fucked a black guy for the first time in my life, and the entry was titled (at MasterDoc’s insistence) “BBC and Me.” My dose of prozac was lowered, which helped my libido and ability to come, but not by much (didn’t help my depression). MasterDoc decided we were going to lose weight together and we embarked on exercising and eating better. S. and I gave Davey a surprise threesome for his birthday.

In March I spent a lot of time reflecting on submission, what it means to me and why I do it. It’s been good to re-read those entries. I also waxed poetic about being face slapped. I suffered a bout of depression and clearly the lowered dose of prozac wasn’t adequate. It was also nearing the anniversary of the time I was sexually assaulted at a play party, and I still dwelled quite a bit on that.

In April I started off the month reflecting on why I enjoy public sex. Davey, MasterDoc and I attempted double penetration but were unsuccessful (this is still true). I participated in sugasm for the first time. I wrote a bit about feminism and submission. We used a female condom for sex one time. I masturbated without permission and felt horribly guilty about it and confessed right away. At some point along the way I fell in love with MasterDoc. I had a challenging evening when we had a woman guest and I felt superfluous to the whole situation.

In May I proclaimed my average-ness. I started lusting after Photoshop and Dreamweaver to make my own site (I was still on blogspot at the time). And MasterDoc’s Puppy came for a visit. I had the first hint that maybe I could come without genital stimulation at some point. I purchased this domain and started trying to figure out how to get a blog up and running. I ended up going with wordpress, which I got installed for me.

My ass actually blistered a little bit after a spanking in June during one of our shows. I got called a pillow princess and reflected on my selfishness in bed, resolving to be less selfish. I discussed being assaulted three years ago at a play party and worked some more on dealing with the residual trauma from that. The swing club we frequent added a spanking bench, much to my and MasterDoc’s joy. I got swatted with a cane for the first time. I got good enough at riding the edge of orgasm that I could come when given the command (with genital stimulation).

I officially moved to kinkylibrarian.net at the start of July. (Looks like a few entries didn’t carry over when I made the switch. The old blog is still up, however.) I started talking about an interest in edge play like needle play and cutting. D.S. came for a visit and we had a very hot simultaneous orgasm. I contemplated many things like leading a double life, masochism and submission. I finally came without genital stimulation - and squirted too! I was on wellbutrin (in addition to prozac) for a little while by this time, and my sex drive had fully returned. I talked a little about early D/s experiences. I despaired over being denied orgasm, but was thrilled to have MasterDoc come in my mouth for the first time. MasterDoc and I had been seeing each other for a year by the end of this month.

In August I started participating in Half Nekkid Thursday, which I’ve done sporadically since. I struggled a bit with being a submissive and really opening myself up to someone - including giving MasterDoc my passwords to a few sites. We went to a hot (HOT) pool party. I started blogging over at Best Sex Bloggers. I spoke out about STIs and education. I had a very hot round of anal sex with MasterDoc, where I asked for more lube but then came really hard when he fucked me without adding lube. I enjoyed a moment of schadenfreude when I got to watch the online downfall of the guy who assaulted me (Jefferson). I don’t think I’ve blogged about the assault since - the experience of seeing him called on his bullshit by so many people really helped me heal a great deal.

September started out with me adding Babeland as an affiliate. (Still hasn’t netted me any money, but I still feel good about promoting that business.) I made the list of Top 100 Sex Bloggers. I also started reviewing toys, first for Lelo then for Babeland. Davey and I had a foursome while on vacation. MasterDoc and I gave an impromptu show one afternoon, then saw a couple in the evening. It dawned on me that our little shows technically make me a sex worker. I saw D.S. for one last time before he moved to San Francisco. I added Vibe Review as an affiliate at the end of the month.

In October, I put a toy into MasterDoc’s ass for the first time. I also wrote the terrific line, “I was a horny mass of sluttiness at that point.” I continued to try to get my head around the idea of him pissing on me. I wrote a little about dealing with depression while being submissive and how a beating can really make me feel better. MasterDoc made me come by slapping my clit. I talked about my early sexual and bdsm experiences. I had a bout of depression and cried during a scene - really cried - for the first time.

By November I could come at MasterDoc’s command quite well. I got philosophical about how change is an integral part of life. I came and squirted from being spanked at a swing club and later that night got fucked up the ass in public for the second time. One evening I became so turned on that I couldn’t turn off - and that ended up being the night that MasterDoc peed on me for the first time. I was so turned on and so deep into submission that I came as he peed on my clit. I went to the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar party and met a bunch of fellow bloggers. I also participated in Pleasurists for the first time. I come some more from pain and come again without being touched at all.

I started off December feeling cross with MasterDoc, but things were soon resolved and I wrote a post about how wonderful he is. He had a Domme-in-training come by for lessons and she fucked me with a strap on. The next night, a Dom came over with his three submissives and we had a fun bdsm orgy of sorts. I fisted a woman for the first time. MasterDoc figured out that he could use my new anal beads as a whip. Yikes. I fell ill with a stomach virus and actually turned down sex one day. But we used that time to go over my bdsm checklist and see what limits could be pushed in the future that perhaps we’ve been neglecting. We finished off the year going to a gangbang party last weekend.

All-in-all it’s been a hot year and I’ve come a long way with coming on command. I enjoyed reviewing my year via my blog but jeez, I really was at it for several hours. Thank you all for reading and I hope to have more adventures in 2009.

Sex for All

Published

Nadia

on August 24, 2008

in best sex bloggers, sex, sex parties and sexuality

. 0 Comments

Wrote an essay on the beauty of real bodies over at bestsexbloggers.com.

Natural Born Pervert

Published

Nadia

on August 31, 2007

in bdsm, kink and sexuality

. 0 Comments

I think that I was born kinky, just like I think that I was born bisexual. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t get aroused by kinky things (or have feelings of attraction and affection for boys and girls alike). I can remember as a child, being aroused by the fantasy of being kidnapped and tied up. I remember reading an article about the Patty Hearst kidnapping and being turned on by the image of her tied up in a closet and her captors pinching her nipples. I read and re-read that passage, secretly. (I was a precocious reader, I believe this article was in Reader’s Digest and I was still in elementary school - I think. I seem to remember reading it in the bedroom I had through elementary school.)

By the time I was in high school, I was collecting things like silk scarves that I could tie myself up with. I’d bind my wrists or ankles together and then masturbate (sometimes untying first as I’d need a spare hand or two to do so). I’d blindfold myself or gag myself. The sensation turned me on so much! The attempts at spanking myself fell far short of the fantasy, however. I had fantasies of being tied up, and fantasies of being spanked, fantasies of being raped, fantasies of being kidnapped. I knew that I didn’t truly want to be raped or kidnapped, but the idea of playacting that out with someone consensually got me really hot. Long before I ever had my first kiss or sexual experience with another, I was kinky. I’m not sure when I became aware that others felt like this too, or that it was perhaps a bit unusual to feel this way. I accepted it pretty much all along.

My first kinky experiences were with my very first boyfriend when I was 18. He and I explored a lot together sexually. I remember him domming me and my being so enthralled by it. (He was less so. He wanted to be dommed. I typically end up dating submissive men if they’re at all kinky.) We pretended that I was the maid to his wealthy man and he forcefully seduced me in my parent’s basement after everyone went to bed. He and I acted out a lot of fantasies, I don’t think I’ve dated anyone since who I explored so much with, but then he was my first. We liked doing things like having one of us pretend to be completely inexperienced (not that either of us was really experienced! lol) and the other would seduce the innocent one. We’d play with power differential situations, like one was the chauffeur and the other the employer when we’d be out fooling around in my car. We played around with bondage, me tied with my wrists over my head attached to the pipe coming out of the ceiling of the basement apartment he shared with his mom. Not so thrilling was the time we decided to include food and he put maple syrup on my torso. lol It was just a whole lotta stickiness. He had to untie me so I could shower off and we could stop laughing.

Right from the start of my sexual experiences I was eager to experiment with being kinky. And right from the start of my awareness of sexual feelings in myself I got hot over kinky things. It really seems to be how I’m wired.

More Random Musings

Published

Nadia

on August 29, 2007

in bdsm, feminism, musings and sexuality

. 0 Comments

I think sexual energy and creative energy are related. Since getting my mojo back I feel like blogging far more and I’ve started noticing the lack of creativity in many of my posts. They read like a play by play of what I got up to, but there’s no color, no feeling to it. Maybe I’ll change this as time goes on.

I find myself in an introspective mood tonight. I’m quick to blame it on being tired, I didn’t sleep well last night. But then I was sorta in this mood by the time I went to bed last night.

I find myself musing about feminism and bdsm – more specifically how it’s possible to be a feminist and a submissive at the same time. The two seem to be mutually exclusive. I’m quick to point out that outside the bedroom I’m not very submissive at all, quite stubborn and opinionated actually. So perhaps that’s where the division lies – I get hot and bothered by submitting sexually but in my daily life I’m not a submissive woman. Now of course, all this sounds like me grasping at straws to find the feminism in my behavior. “Well now, I might submit in the bedroom but otherwise I’m all feminist! No, really I am!!” I start arguing that being able to express your sexuality however it comes is a feminist act – not letting my sexual desires be dictated by conservative, heteronormative, vanilla society. If I get off on submitting then by all means I should get off that way. But I suppose sometimes I realize that you can’t say that my act of submitting is feminist in and of itself. But I am a feminist who submits sexually. I suppose that’s the distinction. I’d be curious to hear others’ views on this subject.

One way to look at it is that as a strong feminist the idea of submitting to a man’s (or a woman’s) whim is kinky by definition. I don’t see it as the normal order of affairs. I don’t see it has how I “should” be in my day-to-day life. But as a “liberated” woman I choose to play that way. And really it all comes down to choice.

I don’t really even know why I’m arguing this point, as I don’t see the two as having to be mutually exclusive. Just like I don’t see the nerdy, intellectual side of my personality to be at odds with the sexual, slutty part. V. has been asking me how the two sides of my personality get along, and I answer “quite well” as I don’t see them as distinct personalities, but parts of the whole of who I am. Why can’t you be nerdy and someone who works well with kids AND be someone who’s totally into her sexuality and free about it?

This entry is probably just one long, incomprehensible ramble, but it’s what’s going through my head. That and economic theory as MasterDoc had me reading up on why socialist economics don’t work. (He’s libertarian and quite keen to get this anarcho-socialistic person over to his way of thinking. And I have to admit that my political thinking has no basis in economic theory as I have little to no knowledge about it. I can see the flaws in socialism and anarchy, but then I’m cynical enough to think that every political system has glaring flaws. Still, I really enjoy learning about economics from him as I’d rather be knowledgeable in my political views than completely ignorant. I guess it’s time I learned about economics even though the idea of it bores me to tears. Anyway, the nerdy side of my personality really appreciates being with a man who stimulates me intellectually and who seems to respect my intelligence. All my favorite men get me thinking. Heck, all my favorite people get me thinking, one of the things I like about V. so much is that she’s very intelligent.)

Musings

Published

Nadia

on August 29, 2007

in sex and sexuality

. 0 Comments

I’m going through one of those periods in my life where my sex life has taken over. Time spent at work or elsewhere is just time killed until the next time I can get up to something naughty. Each work day is just gotten through so I can get to the weekend or the next play time. Now this doesn’t mean I have sex every day - I don’t. (Surprised?) But that sex is the foremost thought in my brain. I’m kinda frustrated at work right now so that probably plays into this. The sex is infinitely more fun than the work day.

Last night I was thinking about the fact that while this is a blog of my sex life, I don’t always write about sex with Davey. I’ve noticed this before and I think it’s probably down to a couple of reasons. First, naughty, out-of -the-mainstream sex makes for more interesting blog material than vanilla sex with someone you love and are with regularly. (I note the times it’s particularly hot or passionate, but as is the tendency with established relationships, it’s frequently routine.) And second, sometimes I like keeping sex with Davey between us. Despite my exhibitionistic tendencies, I suppose there’s some stuff I like to keep private. Not much, but some. I doubt that my getting all mushy about Davey would make for stimulating reading anyway. I’m not all about getting laid. Sometimes sex is about passion and getting off, but sometimes it’s about being intimate with someone you love. Yes, the slut has a heart.

Thoughts

Published

Nadia

on August 21, 2007

in dating and sexuality

. 0 Comments

I’ve got a lot of blog ideas floating around my head at the moment, just things that I’m thinking about. I’ve thought about the theory that women who are promiscuous are that way because of low self-esteem. I don’t think that’s true in my case. I seem to have more sex and more adventurous sex when I’m feeling confident. If I’m feeling depressed or insecure I shy away from sex. This theory sounds too much like an excuse to put down sexual women to me. “Oh, if she likes a lot of sex she must have issues, because, well women aren’t highly sexual.” What a crock of bull.

One theory I might have to give some thought to, however, is that sex is my drug of choice. In order to feel super-great and get a rush some people take drugs, some drink, some jump out of airplanes. Me? I have sex and act in an exhibitionistic way. I don’t have sex to get people to like me, I have sex because it feels good physically and mentally. I don’t do it to bolster my self esteem although being desired by a lot of people certainly doesn’t hurt my self-esteem. The point of it for me is that it feels good and those good feelings are enough of a reward for me to keep doing it. So long as I have safer sex and don’t put myself into dangerous situations it seems to me a far healthier option than doing drugs. No artificial chemicals being put into my body.

Anyway, that’s what’s floating around my head today. N. called me last night - just about when I was getting ready for bed. It’s funny how he makes time to talk to me when I don’t talk to him. I mean, he rarely calls me but I haven’t emailed him in a week and so he calls. It’s also interesting to note that one of his long-distance relationships has fizzled out and the woman he swings with is going away for two weeks, so no wonder he’s taking time to talk to me. He’d be woman-less without me for a couple of weeks. It might not be the reason he called, but it sure feels like it after he avoided time with me so much over the past couple of months. I think he really means to be a decent guy, but I’ve grown increasingly cynical about him. I don’t doubt that he enjoys my company (and not just the sex) but he seems to be in touch with me only when it’s convenient for him. Anyway we chatted for a few minutes about life in general and I did my best not to fall asleep as I was so tired after my busy morning and afternoon/evening at work. There was no mention of getting together over the weekend, which is just as well as Friday I have a date with that woman I was talking to (whoo hoo! and she seems eager to play) and Saturday Davey and I are hoping to spend time with two friends we haven’t hung out with in months.

Tulsa is A Slut backwards

Published

Nadia

on July 8, 2007

in N, non-monogamy, sex and sexuality

. 0 Comments

I’m really tired. But it’s a good tired. I’m tired because I had sex with both Davey and N. today. My afternoon was basically spent having sex and then having sex again. I feel like my old self in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel like I could have sex over and over forever if only my body wouldn’t get so damn tired. I feel like my (slutty) self.

I didn’t have sex with them at the same time, I had a date with N. and went to his place…. we alternated hanging out on the porch chatting with going to the bedroom and fucking. There wasn’t any air conditioning but thankfully today wasn’t quite as hot as they had predicted. Still, the sex was sweaty. And for some reason getting all sweaty during sex isn’t nearly as distasteful as getting sweaty during exercise, or walking around on a hot day. It’s actually kinda sexy.

For a 55-year-old man he has quite the stamina. He kept going (during the second round) long past when men half his age would keep going. I had a lot of orgasms. *grin* I’m so glad I finally met him and didn’t let his age get in the way. (I kept him at arm’s length for a year.) We have a lot of fun in bed together.

After the second round we went to shower (just like after the first round) and as I moved past him to get to the water in the shower he slid one hand between my ass cheeks and started fingering my asshole and then reached around with the other hand and stroked my clit and then fingered me. Wowza. I had quite an orgasm really quickly, trying to clutch the shower wall and hold myself up.

I left his place feeling really worn out, my legs were tired from being spread for so long. But even so, I still felt kinda horny. Ah yes, I was feeling like my old self.

I was hungry when I got home, so Davey and I had dinner and then relaxed in the living room. I kept feeling persistently horny, and hey, I like to make sure that Davey is taken care of - an important part of being poly is making sure things are okay with your primary relationship. Despite feeling so tired I sent Davey sexy IMs from the other end of the couch. Soon, we were in the bedroom and I was orgasming again. And again. And we had sex and I had some more orgasms. I’m a very satisfied and happy girl. And I’m feeling so comfortable in my sexuality again - it’s such a liberating feeling. I’m ready to take on the world sexually. Hee hee. I see my couple, D. & L., on Friday and I asked N. if he’d help me out with my double penetration fantasy sometime and he said yes. (There’s few things that I really want to try that I haven’t tried, double penetration is one of them. I’ve had a toy and a penis but not two penises. Obviously Davey is all to happy to help me with this fantasy.)

(The title of this post came from a conversation with N. today where he told me about how he told another lover of his that she should get a vanity plate with Tulsa on it, so that when people saw it in their rearview mirrors it would read …… Perfect for me as well! But I’m not into vanity plates.)