Archive for the 'dom' Category

Not Another Play-by-Play

Published
by
Nadia
on June 11, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, blog, blow jobs, dom, emotions, masochism, musings, orgasm denial, sex, spanking and submissive
. 0 Comments

As I sit down tonight to write about the fantastic sex I had last night, I think of how some days I get bored writing about sex. Mind you, I don’t get bored having sex. But some days it feels like I say the same thing over and over here, “Blah blah blah, penis in vagina, blah blah blah, moan, writhe, pant, gasp, blah blah blah, not allowed to come for a while, blah blah blah, amazing orgasm.”

Again, I repeat that doing all this isn’t the least bit boring. Oh no. It’s fantastically exciting. But writing about it some days makes me wanna snooze.

So instead of a play-by-play, I’m going to reflect here on some thoughts I had last night and some moments that were particularly hot/intense. We had sex twice, my collar was on, although even when we forget to put my collar on I fall into sub mode when we have sex. MasterDoc is pretty relaxed when my collar is off, but there’s the understanding that even without my collar sometimes there’s times where my added respect is warranted. For example, when he gives me a direct order. Or when we’re getting down and dirty in bed. That’s when I either put in the “Sirs” myself or he reminds me. I know that some people always call their Dom or owner “Master” or “Sir” but I’m very happy to be in a more relaxed relationship. I do, however, have to work harder on making use I use the honorific “Sir” when my collar is on. As much as I love submitting to him, I can have a hard time with remembering “Sir.”

I’m only human, and some days/moments submitting is hard. I don’t feel like doing what he’s asking of me, or I’m cranky, or I’m feeling rebellious. But sometimes, things are just the opposite. Last night I was delighted to submit to him, delighted to wear the collar. Being his sub felt so right. I didn’t want to take the collar off. I felt so happy and thankful that my submissive side has been fulfilled by this relationship with MasterDoc. I’ve never had a D/s relationship before, I’ve only played prior to this, but it feels so good.

And not only does it fulfill a part of me, submitting is also incredibly hot. I kept thinking last night how the fact that whenever he wants a blow job, he can just tell me to do it and he gets one - this is really hot. Vanilla guys have to sometimes persuade their girlfriends to blow them, a Dom merely requests what he wants and get it. And that power is sexy. The fact that he controls my orgasms makes my arousal more intense. I had a blissful period of time last night, when I was on all fours, hugging a pillow and being fucked from behind, where I was in such ecstasy and yet such tension wanting to come. He really pushed me last night, and I bit my thumb, moaned, opened my eyes every now and then (and then they’d roll back into my head). He really kept me on the edge for an extended period of time. And when I came I worked hard to not let my muscles push him out - I did quite well although controlling that results in a strange sort of orgasm. I come, but it’s in fits and spurts.

Earlier, I rode him, my legs weary from exercise but my spirit being willing enough to propel me up and down on his cock.

After I’ve come, I’m speechless. The only speech I manage to regain quickly is the ability to say, “Thank you, Sir.” Then I lay down and bask in the afterglow - and catch my breath. As I cuddled up close to him last night I thought, “Life is good. I’m happy.”

(We used a new riding crop I got to review last night, and the pain was part of the pleasure for me. A review will come along shortly.)

The Rest of the Weekend

Published
by
Nadia
on June 2, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, dom, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, porn, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting and submissive
. 0 Comments

My mood improved over Saturday. By Saturday evening I was feeling reasonably sociable and our friend V. came over.  She had a new flogger that her friend made from salvaged material (rubber) and she wanted to try it out. She had tried it with her girlfriend, but there was an issue with controlling it. She wanted to have MasterDoc try it since he’s much more experienced with floggers. It quickly became clear that the strands were too long and that was the issue. After a moment’s hesitation, V. agreed that he could cut the flogger down a bit. Eight inches or so later, the flogger was much more manageable. MasterDoc used it on V.’s butt for a while, then I got a turn. Man it stung!

On Sunday he and I went out to lunch and otherwise spent the day around his place. After I finished my required Wii Fit, I went to see MasterDoc who was lying in the bedroom, watching porn. We hadn’t necessarily planned to have sex just then, but he was inspired by a bit of the porn - the submissive was tied up (suspended but on her feet) with a magic wand at her clit. She was given two minutes to come. He had me get the magic wand out, put my collar on and get undressed. He teased me with the wand until I was aching to come. Then suddenly he said, “You have two minutes to come all you want. Go.” Instantly I started to come, screaming and quivering. I kept right on coming for the full two minutes, and it was hard to stop myself when he told me to stop. It felt amazing. Next he asked me if I was ready to be fucked. Oh yes please! He had me get the Liberator Wedge to put under his ass and I got on top for a ride. I was all wet from coming just moments before. We hadn’t had sex in two weeks and it was heavenly to feel his cock inside me.

Yesterday I was acutely aware of what at turn on it is for him to have control over when I orgasm. As I rode his cock I got more and more turned on thinking about how much I wanted to come, but that I wasn’t allowed to as of yet. I kept moaning and breathing heavy, fucking him frantically, feeling his cock slide in and out of me as my clit rubbed up against his tummy. At one point he slapped my face a few times and called me a whore. Jesus, that turned me on even more. I kept hoping he’d do it again. He made me promise that if I was allowed to come that I wouldn’t let my vaginal muscles push his cock out. I knew how hard that would be but I whimpered, “I promise I’ll try my best, Sir,” as I was desperate to come. Initially it worked, I focused on controlling my vaginal muscles while also letting myself orgasm. I struggled with it and ultimately got the point where I said, “Oh I can’t help it anymore!” and my muscles clenched down and pushed his cock out. Since he had said I was only allowed to come as long as his cock was inside me he ordered me to stop right then. The command didn’t sink in and I came for another few seconds, which he was not happy with. He asked me about it after to make sure it wasn’t me willfully disobeying, and I didn’t do it intentionally.

Since MasterDoc’s been sick lately, I didn’t really think we’d have more sex later on, but we did. Lucky me! The BDSM porn from before was put on again, and I reached down into my panties and played with myself - thinking how hot it must be to see a woman who is so horny that she will just lose herself in playing with her pussy. I would steal glances at MasterDoc stroking his cock, and at the porn. I worked myself up into a frenzy and hoped that my masturbating in front of him turned him on. He had me get lube and a condom and he fucked me from behind. There was much moaning and whimpering from me as it seemed to last forever. Oh dear god, it feels amazing and frustrating at the same time. When I have vanilla sex with someone, there’s this build up to orgasm and then an orgasm. It’s pretty quick. But with submitting to MasterDoc I’m held in state of all-consuming arousal for an extended period of time. I had such a hard time holding back. He fucked me hard and made me desperate to come. When I came, I squirted and fell forward after his cock was pushed out of me. I kept coming, and he kept stroking my back, grabbing my hair and touching me to prolong the feeling. I later had the thought that it must feel amazing to be able to make me come like that - intense orgasms even while there’s no direct genital contact.

After rest, there was some more fucking. This time I was on my back. I was pleasantly surprised at MasterDoc’s stamina considering he’s been sick and having back pain lately. Usually, after we fuck I’m in this blissful state where I curl up against him and stroke his chest… my arousal not abating. I get hopeful that my touching him and kissing his chest will get him to fuck me again, and very often I’m successful. (Of course, it is more than likely true that he wants to fuck some more and it’s not just my desire that fuels it.) On Sunday night I didn’t want to be too aggressive though, as I knew he hadn’t been feeling well. But he fucked me for a while and let me come - slapping my pussy to keep me coming (and squirting).

Now, three wonderful fucks in one day would have been enough to make me VERY happy. But he decided to fuck me again, this time with me on top. He reached around and slapped my ass which just drove me wild. I’m very lucky to have a Dom who wants to have sex over and over in an evening. By the time the evening was over, I was grinning like an idiot and amazingly happy. Good sex cures my depression pretty much every time - I haven’t felt depressed since.

I noticed that evening the feeling of intimacy that comes from being submissive to someone (over a long period of time). It’s not quite there in vanilla sex. My pleasure is directly tied to his pleasure and choices as to what we do, and as such that’s extremely intimate.

He asked me, “So was that worth waiting two weeks for?” Hell yes!

The Start of the Weekend

Published
by
Nadia
on May 30, 2009
in D/s, bdsm, depression, dom and emotions
. 0 Comments

(I’m back dating this entry to Saturday, when I actually wrote it. Shortly I’ll follow this up with an entry on how much better the weekend got.)

I was hoping to have more sexy stories to share with you, but unfortunately last night my back bothered me a great deal and I was depressed. I discovered yet another reason why it’s wonderful to have a doctor for a Dom, he can use his knowledge of anatomy to give you one fantastic back massage. He really presses and digs in where it needs to be loosened up and I feel much better immediately afterward.

I think I’ve been nursing a bit of a depression for at least several days now, but it didn’t dawn on me until last night. I felt incapacitated by the depression (and the backache didn’t help). I started to feel guilty that I wasn’t taking care of MasterDoc like I should (his back was bothering him and he’s still coughing and sick). So then I was adding depression about my lack of ability to fulfill my submissive duties to the depression I already had. MasterDoc is really perceptive though, and he knew to ask if my problem was just the physical part of my back hurting or if there was a psychological aspect as well. I cried a bit, not really entirely sure why I’m depressed. (This is why the illness of depression is so fun - you feel sad and miserable and have no idea why!) Work has been stressful for a long time now, that’s about all I can think of. My eating has gotten to be terrible (lots of junk) and I’m feeling more and more demotivated to exercise.

Now granted, if my back hadn’t hurt (it was iffy all day but then vacuuming MasterDoc’s living room pushed it over the edge) I probably would have had sex with him and the orgasms would have made me feel much better both physically and psychologically. But we didn’t get that far. MasterDoc was wonderful, making me laugh as best he could and making sure I knew that I’m loved. When I said that I felt bad about feeling bad, he said, “Oh no! We’ll have none of that! You can feel bad all you want but no feeling bad about feeling bad!” Teehee. I hate that I needed taking care of last night, but thankful that MasterDoc understands that I can’t control my depression. He took care of me and I’m really grateful for that.

Today I’m still feeling blue for no good reason. My back is a little better although rather stiff. I did some yoga this morning (after MasterDoc suggested it the night before) which helped get me moving. Hopefully tonight I’ll get out of this funk long enough to have sex - it’s been nearly two weeks now!

A Beautiful Moment of Submission

Published
by
Nadia
on May 10, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, dom, happy and submissive
. 0 Comments

I think sometimes I hesitate to wax poetic about being in a state of submission. I’m deliriously happy when I’m really in subspace but it seems to be antithetical to my feminist beliefs sometimes that I don’t like admitting to those feelings.

I had a beautiful moment Friday, it struck me so much that I felt I had to give it its own entry here. MasterDoc and I had just had sex in the living room, I still had my collar on and he went and lay down on the couch. And for me, the most perfect thing I could do just then was curl up on a blanket that was on the floor next to the couch. Nothing made me happier at that moment than to lie there, beneath him on the floor, and await the next time he wanted/needed me. I couldn’t see the television (porn) from where I was, so I stared off into space. But I was so amazingly happy to lie there. I felt calm, at peace, focused.
I don’t recall what he said to me, I know he asked me if I was watching the tv and I said that no, I couldn’t see it but I was happy. I can’t remember what he called upon me to do, but I was thrilled when he called upon me next. It was like the fulfillment of a deep need I had at that moment.
Unfortunately I’m not in that state all the time. I was pretty spoiled growing up. My family wasn’t rich by any stretch, but I never really wanted for anything. (I later learned my Dad would sacrifice by going without lunch so I could have things like Star Wars action figures and smurfs.) And if I wanted something, like ice cream, I could usually get my Dad to go out and get it for me that day. My relationship with Davey is a lot like my relationship with my Dad. He tends to spoil me. There’s the spoiled part of me that loves it. But then there’s a part of me that loves the fact that MasterDoc doesn’t spoil me in the same way. (He’s always saying he spoils me, and I suppose in some ways he does - he gives me lots of orgasms, for which I’m really thankful.) I have such a funny love (I don’t know if hate is the correct opposite word, it’s too strong, but I’ll use it) hate relationship with service. Part of me loves how Davey spoils me. Part of me loves how MasterDoc won’t let me get away with that. If I want ice cream (or better yet, if HE wants it) I’m the one sent out to get it. I don’t get to be lazy.
Sometimes in day to day life I’m far removed from subspace. Earlier Friday, we were moving our cars (gotta love alternate side of the street parking rules in NYC) and MasterDoc wanted me to park by him so we could pull my car up a bit later on when he went out to the store so we could ensure that I occupied two spaces so he could have a decent space when he got back. By the time we got to where we were going to park, someone else had already parked and there was just one space available. MasterDoc pulled up beside me and motioned to me to park further up the hill where there was space for two cars. I got all cranky - why go park up there? It’s further away. If someone else moves nearby when I’m taking up two spaces our plan won’t work, etc. Basically, I thought the plan for taking up two spaces wouldn’t work. For the rest of the day, he gave me a hard time about my attitude in that moment. “Would it really kill you to park a block farther? Was I really asking that much of you?” No, he wasn’t but the spoiled me didn’t want to comply.
We went out to lunch later in his car, and he found another place, closer to his building, where two cars could fit so he sent me to get my car. I still thought the idea was silly and likely not to work like we planned, but this time I tried to make up for before by getting my car without complaint. It can be hard to comply when I don’t agree with something. I’m strong willed in many ways. While submission can bring me so much happiness and peace sometimes it’s an uphill struggle. Submitting can be so freeing, but I also battle with the idea that I should be independent, think for myself completely.

MasterDoc

Published
by
Nadia
on December 11, 2008
in Uncategorized, dom, emotions and musings
. 4 Comments

It’s been bothering me that the post that got the most comments is the post where I was angry with MasterDoc. Oh I don’t mean to say that it bothers me that people care and want to see me happy; I appreciate in particular my blogger friends’ quickness to “defend” me. But I think what people outside of my life can’t know, unless I tell them, are all the wonderful things about MasterDoc that make me happy to be with him. Yes, he pushes my limits (and sometimes my buttons) now and then, but 99% of the time he is wonderful, and pushing limits is part of power exchange. That angry post elicited a very nasty comment, which I chose not to post, tearing down MasterDoc, from someone who ostensibly doesn’t know him. And that bothers me.

But like most people, I’m inclined to be the most vocal when I feel unhappy. Isn’t it fucked up that as humans we get all quiet when we’re happy but vocal when we’re not? Sure I convey to you all the hot sex and wonderful orgasms, but there’s much more to my relationship with MasterDoc than that. It’s not all about the sex.

He takes his role as my Dominant seriously. He watches out for me. He often notices I’m getting depressed before I even notice it. He keeps tabs on my emotional state pretty much continuously. If I get a pensive look he’s quick to ask me what I was thinking, and to press if I’m reluctant to say. I need that. I keep so much inside me when I’m down, I need to learn to talk about my problems and deal with them rather than avoiding them and stewing on them. And it’s not only mental well-being that he watches out for - I felt sick last week, some stomach trouble, and he was quick to ask me all his doctor questions to try to figure out what was wrong and recommended what I should do about it. (It helps to have a Dom who’s a doctor.) Even though I was angry with him at the time, I felt really thankful that he was there to help me regardless of my cranky mood and behavior. All I have to say is that I’m not feeling well and immediately he’s concerned and wants to help - whether the trouble is physical or mental. He’s like this with pretty much all the women in his life - submissives, lovers, friends. (MasterDoc almost exclusively has women in his life. lol)

When we’re out playing in public, he keeps a close eye on what other guys around me are doing and he’s quick to stop someone from unauthorized touching. He sizes up potential playmates and makes prudent decisions as to who is allowed to play with me. Last weekend when we had the other Dom visit, MasterDoc checked in on me many times that evening.

I may do a lot for him as a submissive, but he thanks me all the time, I mean ALL THE TIME for the things I do to help him around his place. He is always appreciative. He’s always complimenting me on how efficient I am and saying sweet things like, “You’re the bestest!”

Which brings me to another thing I love about him - he’s human. He doesn’t pretend to be perfect, and I don’t pretend that he’s perfect. A few years back I looked for a Dom on CollarMe, and I was unhappy with what I found. Way too often the Dominant men were full of themselves, took themselves too seriously and had to behave like they’re “lord and master of the universe” every second of interacting with me. MasterDoc has a sense of humor. We laugh a lot. He can be charming and adorable and say silly things like, “You’re the bestest.” He doesn’t worry about it making him seem less Dominant. He has a very silly sense of humor and that goes well with mine. While I’m always his submissive, things are pretty relaxed much of the time. We hang out, watch DVDs together, play games, all sorts of “normal” things. It’s not “suck my cock bitch!” 24/7. We have my collar to help denote when I need to be especially in the mindset, but most of the time he’s very cool about being a Dom. He might ask me to go get him a drink, but he will tell me that it’s not important to go right away, that I can wait until the next commercial. His every whim doesn’t have to be catered to the second it appears. (I would suppose some Doms would say he’s too soft with me, but I feel like he’s just the right amount of ‘domliness’ for me.) If I’m about to do something and he asks me to do something else I will ask him if it’s okay to do what I was planning on doing first, or if he needs me to do what he asks right now. Usually he will say that what he wants can wait a minute. But I can trust that if he wants it done right away that it’s important that it gets done right away.

I also appreciate that he doesn’t expect me to me perfect. All the time I forget things he’s asked me to do - unintentionally, I can just be a space cadet much of the time, and he doesn’t punish me for it he just prods me again to do it. I may get a mild scolding but he doesn’t make me feel terrible for making a mistake. After going to the car twice in one evening for things he had forgotten there, I joked that if I should outlive him (likely considering our age difference) and look for another Dom someday, that I will look for one without ADD. But you know, I soon realized that a Dom without ADD might not appreciate how easy it is to forget things and how unintentional it can be. I’m never going to be perfect, after all, who is, but he tries to help me improve by talking to me calmly and rationally. I love his rationality. I get so caught up in emotions and he’s like a calm port in a storm. He’s very patient with me.

He’s also a wonderful cuddler. His arms feel so solid and comforting to be in. We make time for cuddling quite a lot. He’s very loving when he’s not beating the crap out of me. *grin* He’s very attuned to my limits and we’ve never played with a safeword - I’m sure that will surprise people. But he pays close attention to me and my reactions when we play, and he knows when to stop and when he can press on. A couple of months back I was in a depression and started bawling my eyes out during a scene - and he knew when to stop and just hold me and let me cry. (And we had discussed prior how I would like to cry during a scene, I thought it would be very cathartic.) Now as we said before he’s not perfect, but he always pays attention to the effect his behavior has on me and adjusts it if something didn’t work well the first time. (For example, after we sorted out the issue last week, he made a comment that his one regret was pushing me during a time when we hadn’t seen each other for days and weren’t going to see each other for days. Pushing me a bit when I’m going to see him the next day is different than pushing me when it will be days before we can talk. He notices these things and files them away for future reference.) He understands that sometimes submission is difficult and things need to be talked out. He’s always up for a talk. And unlike me, who usually tries to hide behind the internet, he makes a point of talking in person, so that after the rough patch has been dealt with we can cuddle and feel good again.

When I’m at his place he takes care of my basic needs - he always pays for food. He picks up things at the store that I would like. He’s very generous not only with his time but with money as well. After all, I work full time, I could reasonably be asked to pay my half of any meal. But he recognizes that I earn less than him and that his feeding me is a huge help. He takes care of me on so many levels. If I need a hug he will go out of his way to see me if he can.

When you have a blog, it’s all too easy to make yourself look good and your Dom out to be a big meanie-pants. But I have my flaws, and there’s things about me which MasterDoc deals with with amazing patience. Neither of us is perfect, but we are happily imperfect together.

So, um, why don’t y’all comment on some of the other posts, too?

Resolution

Published
by
Nadia
on December 4, 2008
in D/s, dom and submissive
. 0 Comments
So of course after my last emotional post, I have to follow up with the outcome of our talk. (It happened a day earlier than we thought it would.) Now, the way I couched things last time, MasterDoc sounds like a bit of an asshole, and people reacted accordingly. But lest you all wonder why the heck I’m with him, let me tell you about our talk. As he always is, MasterDoc was calm and easygoing when we discussed the issue. He sat down with my blog entry and went over it, point by point. And it became clear that my point of view was just that - my point of view - and not necessarily the crux of the matter.
He pointed out that really, once I called him up on Friday and said I didn’t want my restraints used, I had won. He agreed not to use them. Issue solved. He does respect the fact that I have some say in how my toys are used. All I had to do was state a strong preference. Part of the issue is that as a submissive I often feel like I have no power at all. When I come across something where I disagree with him, I get this internal struggle going on - the struggle between wanting to please him and wanting to keep myself happy. It’s tough. Would I have gotten so freaked out if I thought it wouldn’t bother him one iota for me to say no about using my stuff? It’s doubtful. He pointed out that he’s hardly going to cut me loose for feeling the way I do about my toys.
We discussed my reasons for not wanting him to use the restraints - and while he thinks the “being the first one to use them” defense is a little silly, he can agree to that. It might not matter to him but fine, it matters to me. But he pointed out that the odds of them breaking from one use was pretty slim. Ok, I have to agree to that. When we discussed my reasoning, I had to admit a huge part of the issue was the violent, visceral reaction I get to the woman he was going to be using them with. For some unknown reason, I feel threatened by her. Is there good reason for me to feel that way? No. But I have a strong reaction when she’s involved with things. This has happened before. Do I need to learn to deal with it? Yes. We’re poly and he has every right to see who he wants. He does his best to make sure I don’t have to spend time with her since he knows I don’t care for her (and even I have to admit I don’t have a good, rational reason to feel that way) but he will continue to spend time with her. And despite my reaction to her, I fully agree that my reaction shouldn’t have a bearing on his relationship with her. I would feel like crap if it did. It wouldn’t be fair. MasterDoc does not, ever, interfere with my relationship with Davey. He goes out of his way to not affect my relationship with Davey. I should give him the same respect.
As for the toy use, he pointed out that while I view it as this other woman using my toys, really and truly it would be him using them, for his pleasure. And since it costs me nothing to do so, why wouldn’t I let him use them? I’m not using them at the time. He’s not depriving me of their use. He understands that while I can admit that it costs me nothing, I do have a strong emotional reaction in this situation. He respects that but asks me to take a good long look at it and see if I can feel differently about it. He recognizes the fact that that could take a long time, or perhaps will never change. For now, I feel quite negatively about it. But from an objective standpoint I can see that, yeah, lending him my toys does not have any real impact on me. And as someone I hold dear why wouldn’t I be willing to lend them to him? I’ll take some time to look at my feelings about this and see what happens. He acknowledged the fact that if a toy has a sentimental value to it (i.e., my crop) that he should be told about that so he can behave accordingly (i.e., not likely to take it out of the house).
So ultimately, all I had to do was talk calmly with him and things could easily be resolved. (Heck, they were resolved when I said, “I don’t want you using my restraints with her.”) He’s a very calm man. Even when I get upset and angry he stays calm. I think he’s good for me in that he’s very rational, whereas I get over-emotional. Like they have always in the past, things were resolved to my satisfaction by simply talking to him. No need to raise voices, shed tears, feel eaten up inside.

Sticking Point

Published
by
Nadia
on December 2, 2008
in D/s, anxiety, dom and submissive
. 5 Comments

I try to write honestly here about D/s. I try to relate my experiences with it - the good and the bad. This week I hit a rough spot when MasterDoc told me that he was going to use my brand new underbed restraints with someone else. I had a problem with this for two reasons - 1) I want to be the first person to use any new toys of mine. After all, it’s mine and what I want should count for something, and 2) I am obligated to write a review of these restraints for Babeland, and should anything go awry with the first use how could I try them out and review them afterward? He knew this would bother me because I’m not friends with the woman he was going to use them with, but he didn’t realize just how upset I’d become. I was eaten up all the rest of Friday thinking about this and how much I didn’t want it to happen. I called him that night to convey that I was “really really upset” and he agreed to not use the restraints. However, we have a talk planned next time we have a chunk of time together. When I talked about it a little online with him the other night (I was in an all-around grumpy mood, ready to pounce on anything bothering me. Being premenstrual undoubtely plays a part, although it’s certainly not the only reason.) he told me that he expected me to change my attitude dramatically.

“So you want me to say it’s fine that you use them with (this woman)?”

“Exactly!” he says, and declares the subject closed for the time being. Not willing to submit on this one I declare that I will start taking my toys home if this is how it’s going to be. He scolded me for continuing the conversation when he declared it over and told me I was to call him Sir throughout the rest of the time we spoke that night. Grrr. I did so, putting as much insolence into the word Sir as I possibly can via the internet. What’s this about submissives being compliant doormats? I can be stubborn. I can be combative. Sometimes I just don’t want to submit. I feel so strongly about this issue that I’m not willing to back down. Of course, this runs contrary to what he wants. I’m partly waiting in anticipation for the conversation, because I would feel better with this resolved somehow; however, I’m also afraid of it because odds are usually quite good that he will persuade me to let him have his way. But if he has his way with this topic, I will feel resentful and angry. Neither of which is conducive to a strong, happy relationship. Neither of which will produce a happy, willing submissive.
He’s used my toys before without asking me, and I objected. He managed to persuade me to let him with the promise that he’d replace anything lost or broken. But in some cases I don’t want to have to replace the toy in question. My crop was a birthday present for my 30th from two very dear friends of mine, and I doubt Babeland still carries that particular style crop. My crop is currently missing. Last time it went missing it was left at this woman’s house. I have no idea where it might be now, but I couldn’t find it around his place last I was there. I’m frustrated when my toys aren’t around to be used with me. They’re mine. It may sound selfish but dammit, this isn’t the playground where I have to make nice and share my toys with the other kiddies. I did not give up my rights to my possessions when I signed on to be his submissive. Clearly this is something for us to negotiate. (His initial argument, by the way, has been that I should be pleased to lend him something that will give him pleasure. I can’t feel pleased when it’s brand new and I haven’t had a chance to use it yet. I just can’t.)
So in the meantime I feel unhappy, because this really needs resolution and resolution is at least a few days off. I feel off-kilter in regards to my relationship with him. I saw him briefly today for the first time in over a week, and while I was happy to cuddle with him the issue at hand just gnawed at me. I’m so afraid of being coerced to submit to something I really don’t want to submit to. The main sticking point is the newness of the toy, although this brings up lots of contrary feelings in me and I start thinking about how I don’t want him to use my toys with someone I’m not friends with. I feel different when he wants to use the toys with S. I’m good friends with her and happy to lend a toy to her fun. This other woman is vaguely an acquaintance. I feel no connection to her. I don’t feel I should be obligated to share my stuff with her.
I’m sure he’ll have a stern comment to leave on this post. But my blog has always been a place where I’m supposed to be allowed to say what I think and not censor myself. I really needed to get this off my chest.

Unable to Turn Off

Published
by
Nadia
on November 14, 2008
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, dom, orgasm on command, piss play, sex and submissive
. 0 Comments

It was the most amazing sexual experience of my life. Sure he fucked me, sure I came that way, but it wasn’t until later that the really amazing thing happened. I became so turned on that I couldn’t turn off. Every single touch - whether I was touching him or he was touching me - set me on fire. He ran his hands along my body and each and every touch was capable of making me come. All he had to do was say the word.

After we fucked I helped him reach orgasm by stroking his ass and stroking his back. Every touch had me turned on. As I could feel him nearing his orgasm I felt like all he had to do was tell me to come and I would come right along with him.

We were cuddled together after both of us came, I was craving a cuddle and so I asked him for one. (It was like I couldn’t bear him not touching me.) My head lay on his arm and with his free arm he touched me. Just simple ordinary touches. Touch my shoulder, touch my clavicle, touch my arm, touch my hip, touch my head. I breathed heavy as if he were touching my cunt. He had so much power over me at that point. He had the power to turn me on by doing anything. Anything at all. Breathe against me and I shudder. Each touch was like a spark running through nerve endings to my cunt.

He’d whisper in my ear every so often, “How’s this for a cuddle?” My god I was so turned on. Finally, he said to me as he stroked me where hip meets thigh, “Come.” Instantly I came. I know that sounds cliche but truly, I came as soon as he said the word. I curled up as the orgasm grasped my body. I rode a wave of feelings that felt so good I almost couldn’t feel them - if that makes any sense. They were too intense to be able to process.

After, I snuggled up to him and I just didn’t want to stop. Just resting my hand on his chest turned me on. Even now he could tell me to come and I’d probably come. He has amazing power over me. And I have to say this was the most profound sexual experience of my life.

——–

After I wrote the first half of this blog entry, I hung out with him in the bedroom for a bit and I was still so turned on. I lay on the bed next to him and he leaned back so that his back was pressing into me and I gasped and moaned. It was torture. Every touch felt so good and so sexual. His cock got hard again (which surprised me because he usually says that once he’s come he won’t get hard again for a while). He started talking about pissing on me, knowing full well that in the state I was in I’d say yes to anything.

“Which would you prefer - being fucked but not coming or being pissed on and coming?” Oh god. It was hard to say it but I said I’d rather be pissed on and come. He kept talking to me, bringing me deeper into submission. “Are you gonna come when I piss on your clit?”

Oh god. I wanted nothing more than to come at that point. I begged him for what he wanted to do to me - which was piss on me. A part of me couldn’t believe that I was doing so. But at that point anything he did to me was erotic. I even murmured at one point, “Anything. Anything you want,” and I meant it. He decided to fuck me for a bit and that only turned me on more. I could feel the length of his penis as he slid in and out of me. Every inch of flesh touching me was the most amazing stimulus I could imagine. He asked me if I came this way would I still be able to come when he pissed on me. I said yes, and it was definitely true.

It was like being high on drugs. I can’t even recall if he had me come while he was fucking me or not. Things just blurred into one another. He told me to keep myself at that level of arousal and come with him. I followed him into the bathroom and he had me get in the tub. I kneeled in the tub, rubbing my clit frantically, waiting for him to piss on me. He told me that when I felt his piss on me I was allowed to come. Oh god, talk about mixed feelings. Pissing on me grosses me out but I was so turned on that I wanted nothing more than to have him piss on me so I could come.

He was a little too hard to be able to do it, so he had me get out of the tub and sit on the toilet, continuing to play with myself. He wandered off and I sat there in a lustful daze. He came back a moment later and had me lay down in the cold tub. I got nervous at this point, because it was clear that he was actually going to do it. I think the chill of the tub woke me up slightly.

“Are you ready to come?” I started stroking my clit again so I was at the point where I could come.

“Yes, Sir.”

“You’re sure? You’re ready to come as soon as I piss on you?”

“Yes, Sir,” I gasped.

And he let loose and pissed on me, and I came. He covered my body in his urine. I knew I should shut my mouth but I was so lost in orgasm that I couldn’t keep it shut. I think he aimed at my mouth, trying to get piss in there, but thankfully I managed to escape that fate this time.

When it was all over I was laying in a cold tub covered in piss. He told me that I could get washed off. I got myself up, turned on the shower, still in a daze. I carefully washed myself, including my hair as it had gotten a little bit wet from the piss.

I never thought I would want him to piss on me, but he gets me into such a state that I will do anything. And it’s a little frightening. This is truly power exchange, as he has utter control over me at that point. I am his.

Impromptu Show

Published
by
Nadia
on September 20, 2008
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, dom, exhibitionism, orgasm denial and sex
. 0 Comments

Saturday started out quiet. I had plenty of time to catch up on blogging about the day before and MasterDoc worked on some organizing in his bedroom. It seemed like the whole day would just be us hanging out since we hadn’t heard back from anyone we had asked to see us. In the afternoon, I went to the store for some soda and got a call while I was there. It was from G., the lady who came to see us a couple of weeks ago who got her butt nicely reddened by MasterDoc’s hand. Apparently she and her hubby would be up to getting together tonight, so I said great and that I’d call her back once I got upstairs to talk to MasterDoc about timing.

I come home and tell MasterDoc and he says, “Great. Put on your collar.” Ok, I’m wondering why he suddenly wants me in my collar. He tells me that a guy who is interested in a show was in the area and he’d be over in ten minutes. Ten minutes! In that time period MasterDoc had to take a bath, I needed to shower, I was just getting dressed as the guy showed up. I took a couple of minutes to dry my hair and I put on a little makeup and made an appearance in the living room. In a very short period of time, the day went from being a little dull to being blogworthy thanks to two phone calls at just about the same time.

He had me get naked and suck his cock for a bit, and he was clearly still in the mindset of verbal humiliation. He had me look at the guy, which was difficult for me as always. MasterDoc had me lay down on the mat on the floor and he slapped my thighs a little as I played with my nea on my clit. Ouch. Then he decided to have me turn over and spank my ass, letting me continue using the toy on my clit. He not only used his hands and the slapper, he used the flogger on me as well - both on my ass and on my upper back. (As always avoiding the area around the kidneys because making your sub pee blood is not a good thing.) He had me turn over again, and play some more with myself for the audience. He asked if I wanted to get fucked and I said, “Yes, Sir.”

“Yes, Sir, what?” I really should know by now that I should say in full what it is I’m saying yes to.

“Yes, Sir, I want to get fucked.”

He made me wait for a little while, getting myself close to the edge of coming. Finally he came over and fucked me. We started out with me on my knees but I tripped and hurt my knee the other day, so I couldn’t do that for long. The guy suggested putting me on my back and so we fucked missionary style. The guy was allowed to hold my leg up while I was fucked. I had gotten myself close to coming while using the toy so I was on the edge of orgasm in no time. I begged for permission to come and wasn’t given it. He fucked me some more and I moaned out a plea to be allowed to come. He continued fucking me, not allowing me to come. I ached for orgasm at this point. He stopped fucking me and had me play with the toy a little more again.

I was close to orgasm from the toy when MasterDoc came over and started fingering me. I begged for orgasm again and this time he told me to come. Immediately I started orgasming. He had to put his hand over my mouth to quiet me since I screamed as usual. (I love me a loud orgasm. I lose myself in the moment and moan and scream out my pleasure.) I was a little sore from the night before (not enough lube and ended up bleeding in case you don’t remember). I bled a little again but I’m not terribly worried about it. It hurt a little while he fingered me but I still came anyway.

Tonight, I should be used by three people - MasterDoc, G. and G’s husband, Max.

After the show today, I had the thought that I’m actually a sex worker. I don’t always get the cash that comes from doing the shows but I do get treated to dinner afterwards. While doing the shows satisfies a kink and isn’t “work” in the traditional sense, I do need to make sure it’s as hot as possible for the guy paying to watch. I’ve been attracted to sex work, because the idea of getting paid for something I love to do is a really cool idea. I’ve stayed away from it because of the legal concerns but of course there’s nothing illegal about  getting paid to be dominated and fucked in front of someone. Of course, while I think this is cool I also realize that I should keep it to myself as plenty of people would be upset by it - like my job, my parents, etc. I’m not doing anything illegal but still there’s a stigma against sex work of any kind.

Slow Night; Good Orgasm

Published
by
Nadia
on September 20, 2008
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, dom, exhibitionism, sex parties, slut, spanking and submissive
. 0 Comments

After having the guest over in the afternoon, we went out that evening to a swing club. I was really horny and so glad to be having such a sex-filled day. Unfortunately, the club was slow. At one point I was one of only two women in the club. Now, granted, this is the perfect set up for MasterDoc to give me that gang bang he’s always threatening. But I guess he didn’t find enough guys suitable (he had his eye on three guys, but one turned out to be a jackass), or he didn’t feel in the mood to do it. We cuddled a bit in the back room (the one with the spanking bench) and at first that’s all we were going to do. But we got an audience of one guy stroking himself and so MasterDoc decided to flip me over and spank a bit. He started out caressing my ass and stroking my back. I had tensed up waiting for a spank but instead I got petted. I relaxed into it and enjoyed the sensation.

He had me pull my pants half down, so I was naked from waist to knees, as I lay face down on the bed. He started spanking me with his hand. He slapped quite hard but I was into it last night. It hurt but I was enjoying the pain. He slapped my ass for quite a while, I’m sure it got all red. I could hear a small gathering of an audience behind me. It sounded like the audience was into watching me get hit, and this only fueled his spanking harder. I was surprised at how long and hard he hit me, but I enjoyed being the submissive and trying to take all I could. He got out the leather slapper and slapped my ass some with that, turning it over to the whip end a couple of times. The spanking went on for a while, with me crying out when the pain got to be too much. It seemed like he went on forever. Just when I thought maybe he’d stop, just when he complained I was making his shoulder hurt, he would keep on going. My ass stung. The audience sounded like they were really enjoying watching a slut get spanked hard. Eventually, he stopped and had me get dressed. One guy talked with MasterDoc after about the local bdsm club and bdsm play in general.

 We wandered around the club a bit more, still next to no couples there, mostly single guys. After a break we found ourselves in the exhibitionists’ room. (Go figure. Would you ever expect us to be there?) We lay down on the bed and guys gathered around to watch. I sucked MasterDoc’s cock for a while. We made out a bit. It was all very sexy and slow moving. I really got into it. He had me play with my new toy (the nea) and get myself worked up and close to the edge. He’d finger me, then take his fingers out and have me lick them to wet them. He commented at one point about how the audience seemed to like that. He’d slide them in me, get me worked up, then take them out and have me lick them thoroughly to wet them. He asked me at one point if I needed lube and I said I was fine. It turned out later I probably should have had some lube (I bled a bit) but we all know that I tend to like things rough. In the heat of the moment I was having a good time while guys crowded around to watch him finger me. He’d slap my thighs in between fingering my cunt. I got so worked up and started begging to come. He made me say it louder, so the crowd could hear me. “Please let me come, Sir!”

“Are you a filthy slut?”

“Yes, Sir, I’m a filthy slut.”

He didn’t let me come right away, but instead kept fingering me while I kept playing with the nea on my clit. I was so worked up, and he’d say to me, “That’s it, keep it on the edge. Good girl.” I so wanted to come! He was working my g-spot inside and I wondered if maybe I would squirt when I came. I’d open my eyes every so often and see the men huddled around watching. One guy was stroking his cock while watching me. While I get a little shy (i.e., I can’t keep my eyes open) I do love being the center of attention. MasterDoc had me totally focused on my cunt and clit and I begged again to be allowed to come. After waiting a bit more, he let me come and I screamed out in pleasure. My muscles clenched and I’m surprised I didn’t squirt. I came and came and came. It was a really earth-shattering orgasm.

Afterward, breathless, I managed to get out a, “Thank you, Sir.” I lay down for a bit, catching my breath. The guy who had had his cock out said that he really enjoyed watching and would love to “be a part of your (MasterDoc’s) circle.” He implied that he would be glad to submit too and MasterDoc just thanked him and declined. MasterDoc had me give the guy a hand, however, and I stroked his cock for a while while other guys watched. Eventually MasterDoc decided that he had had enough and we got dressed. We hung out for a while longer, but things never picked up. I was still a horny girl, but I had had wonderful orgasms, so I couldn’t complain. *grin* We went home, getting bagels on the way as usual, and hung out for a while at home before getting to sleep.