Diary of a Kinky Librarian

It’s funny that in the same few days I was questioning my ability to really be submissive, I got totally turned on by that link I found over at Bitchy Jones’ Diary. The idea of being trained properly got me really hot. And while there’s a part of me that is very independent, I really like the idea of being a properly trained slut. I sometimes get a little sad that I can’t totally and utterly submit sexually to MasterDoc (because if I were to do so I’d end up messing up my relationship with Davey, and I certainly don’t want to do that). But I do what I can to keep my submission from being half-assed. For instance, I have taken it seriously that I don’t masturbate without his permission. Davey has joked with me, “You could masturbate, I wouldn’t tell on you.” but doing that would really feel fucked up. I like being sub. Funny tidbit, yesterday morning I dreamt that I was starting to masturbate and in the dream I remembered that I wasn’t allowed to without MasterDoc’s permission, and so I stopped. (The dream then ended up with some sort of orgy in my parents’ front yard with MasterDoc spurring me on to be slutty and me worrying that my parents were going to come out of the house and find me in the middle of this orgy. Yeah, Freud would have a friggin’ field day with that. Still, the orgy part was hot. The main image I remember is a really hot woman with a hot, wet pussy.)

I sometimes wish that MasterDoc would be a little more strict with me. When we have an audience I mostly remember to address him properly but without an audience I get a little lax. I’d like to be properly trained so that I don’t forget. (On the other hand, one of the things I like about MasterDoc is that he’s not a 24/7 kind of dom and he doesn’t take himself too seriously.) I’d also like to work on taking more pain than I can currently take. I want to please him and be a sub, and not seem like just some casual playmate.

I guess there’s a part of me that realizes that many would consider me a kinky perverted freak at worst, and just a little silly for all my D/s playing at least. And that part of me is a little uncomfortable with how much I want to indulge in these fantasies. Last night I had another sexy dream and it was all about submitting and being fucked oh so slowly. Man, it was the best dream ever.