Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I’m not seeing MasterDoc this weekend, so there’s no new adventures to tell. But I do feel like blogging so I’ve decided to write about some subjects that are near and dear to my heart. Yesterday I talked about masochism, today I want to talk about submission.

I’m strong. I’ve dealt with a lot of shit in my life and come out the other end. I’ve battled depression, I’ve dealt with having a mother who’s not very good at mothering and is perhaps a tad bit mentally abusive. I’ve dealt with the pain of a slipped disc in my back (which put me in the hospital once in college and put me out of commission for a week just three years ago). I’ve lived with debilitating migraines since pre-adolescence. (Magnesium is my miracle cure, however.) I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve dealt with rejection - repeatedly. Now I’m not claiming to have lived through anything extraordinary, but even so, I have a toughness that sees me through hard times. My motto has become, “I’ll come out of this, I always do.” Whenever I hit a dark patch I remind myself of that, and somehow I do always come through.

Ok we’ve determined that I’m strong, I’m capable, I can take care of myself. But, I like to submit. I don’t think submitting takes away from my strength, in fact it often requires a great deal of strength to submit to someone else’s wishes above your own. I don’t submit to just anybody, however. I have to have a great deal of respect for the person I’m submitting to. I had an 18 year old Dom write me on fetlife a while back, and I couldn’t resist saying (in my head, in a baby talk voice), “Oh how cute! The little 18 year old Dom wants to meet me!” Obviously there’s a lack of respect there on my part. He could be a wonderful Dom one day, but in order to gain my utmost respect someone has to have some life experience to back it up. I do sympathize with young Doms, because you have to start somewhere, but at 35 I’m not going to let a teenager have control over me.

For many years, I would only date people close to my age. It’s just been a year or so that I’ve dated men much older than me. And I think MasterDoc being older than me helps instill more confidence and respect in me. He has life experience. He has experience being a Dom. He’s super smart and very educated. While I see myself as smart and educated, I definitely see MasterDoc as being smarter and more educated than me. And that is really an ideal situation for me to submit within. If someone’s going to Dominate you and have control over your life, they need to be someone worth submitting to. Having MasterDoc’s guidance benefits my life.

What do I get out of submitting? Because really, who does anything without some sort of motivation? When I submit I find humility within myself. I find that part of me that takes joy in doing for others. I can let go and not stress over making decisions. I get to experience an amazing kind of trust. I get to test my strength by doing things I find difficult because I’ve been ordered to do them. I find myself more accountable for my actions. I have to practice sticking to agreements. And when I’ve been good and lived up to my half of the bargain, I get to feel good that I’ve pleased someone I have a great deal of respect for. I have to be honest, with myself and with my Dom.

Now really, what part of being honest, trustworthy, strong, self-sacrificing is bad? When I submit I don’t give up self-control… I augment it with the control of someone else. I have to work at being my best. It gets me to stop being so self-centered. If anything, being submissive helps me tap into the strengths I have. I don’t know where the idea that submissive = weak comes from, but it’s not the reality of the situation. I don’t see subs as weak, I see them as deferring to someone even stronger than they are. I need a man who is stronger than I am. And as a smart, capable feminist that man has to be someone extraordinary. Perhaps next I’ll talk about what I think makes a good Dom (and wax poetic about how wonderful I think MasterDoc is). *grin*