Diary of a Kinky Librarian

I’m a very lucky girl. I had a really nice day with MasterDoc yesterday. We fucked three times. I was allowed to come twice. He also flogged me for the first time in a while. I think my pain tolerance was pretty decent, as I could take the flogging pretty well except for when he’d get the same spot on my outer thigh over and over again. I find that one hit is bearable but when the same spot gets hit repeatedly it really hurts! He flogged my upper back a bit as well, something that he doesn’t do often. It’s a different sort of sensation than a butt flogging. I like it but I’m not used to it so it can be a bit harder to take. On the upper back even the little flogger is moderately thuddy (it’s stingy on the butt). On the butt, the fat back there seems to absorb more of the momentum of the flogger/hand/implement of your choice. But on the upper back you feel the reverberations of the hit through your chest.

The second time he fucked me, I was on the edge of the bed and he could have gone on fucking me for a long time in that position, but darn it, my lower legs started going numb from hanging over the edge of the bed. *sigh* Reality bites. If only life could be like the porn movies. Of course, porn movies are heavily edited and real life happens in real time. I hated to say that my legs were going numb as I was really enjoying the fucking! He had me get on top for a little while but we just lost the momentum.

Later, he decided to fuck me the third time (and I thought, boy this is my lucky day!). He had me put my collar back on (sometimes I have it on, sometimes off and the mindset/way we relate to each other is slightly different when the collar’s on than off. Maybe I’ll elaborate below.) We were both tired, so while he was of a mindset to really give me some foreplay, he was too tired so I got warmed up with my bullet vibe again. He’s ordered more lube, which I hope comes soon as I feel less stressed about getting wet when I have lube to fall back on. I really wish I had thought to bring some lube with me. If we had more lube, he just might have fucked me up the ass. It’s been a while since we’ve done that. After much teasing and begging, he allowed me to come a second time, but like last week I was instructed to make sure my vaginal muscles don’t push his cock out. It’s hard to come without letting those muscles contract! I can manage it but it’s not as intense or as much of a release when I can just relax and come. Maybe I can be trained to do that, however, so I don’t end up pushing penises out of me during sex. I’d much rather keep them in.

So, the collar. People in bdsm use collars in different ways to denote different things. In our relationship, I have a collar to wear when we’re truly in D/s mode. I always defer to him and try to remember to be respectful, but I can be more playful and more vocal of my opinions when I’m not wearing the collar. (I’m always his submissive, but sometimes I need to be more submissive than others.) I should remember to address him as “Sir” when I am wearing the collar. I find that I have a hard time with that, and it’s not out of a lack of respect at all, I just feel silly ending every sentence with “Sir”. When I have the collar on, I get into more of a submissive mindset. It helps center me and focus my purpose on serving him. For example, he generally has me put my collar on when he has me doing chores around his apartment.

The D/s dynamic is an interesting one. It’s certainly different than any other relationship I’ve had before. I find that I often have a hard time voicing my thoughts, and I wondered to myself today if it has anything to do with MasterDoc being a person in authority for me. I generally don’t speak up to people in authority, I’m always a little afraid of speaking up. Now MasterDoc has never given me any reason not to be open and honest with him, it’s just how I naturally react to someone in authority. Something for me to think about. Often something I mention in a post on collarme or fetlife will be something that I should be able to discuss with MasterDoc but until he sees the posting and addresses it I don’t bring it up. I find it so much easier to write about things I’m struggling with than to utter the words. No wonder I like the internet more than using the phone. I like being able to compose my thoughts and take the time to find just the right words, or at least the best words I can come up with.  Of course, sometimes I just want to discuss my thoughts and get random people’s input on things before I talk about them with someone I’m close to, thus talking on forums on those two sites. I spend a lot of time in my life being introspective, getting it out of me can be the hard part.