Diary of a Kinky Librarian

It’s been bothering me that the post that got the most comments is the post where I was angry with MasterDoc. Oh I don’t mean to say that it bothers me that people care and want to see me happy; I appreciate in particular my blogger friends’ quickness to “defend” me. But I think what people outside of my life can’t know, unless I tell them, are all the wonderful things about MasterDoc that make me happy to be with him. Yes, he pushes my limits (and sometimes my buttons) now and then, but 99% of the time he is wonderful, and pushing limits is part of power exchange. That angry post elicited a very nasty comment, which I chose not to post, tearing down MasterDoc, from someone who ostensibly doesn’t know him. And that bothers me.

But like most people, I’m inclined to be the most vocal when I feel unhappy. Isn’t it fucked up that as humans we get all quiet when we’re happy but vocal when we’re not? Sure I convey to you all the hot sex and wonderful orgasms, but there’s much more to my relationship with MasterDoc than that. It’s not all about the sex.

He takes his role as my Dominant seriously. He watches out for me. He often notices I’m getting depressed before I even notice it. He keeps tabs on my emotional state pretty much continuously. If I get a pensive look he’s quick to ask me what I was thinking, and to press if I’m reluctant to say. I need that. I keep so much inside me when I’m down, I need to learn to talk about my problems and deal with them rather than avoiding them and stewing on them. And it’s not only mental well-being that he watches out for - I felt sick last week, some stomach trouble, and he was quick to ask me all his doctor questions to try to figure out what was wrong and recommended what I should do about it. (It helps to have a Dom who’s a doctor.) Even though I was angry with him at the time, I felt really thankful that he was there to help me regardless of my cranky mood and behavior. All I have to say is that I’m not feeling well and immediately he’s concerned and wants to help - whether the trouble is physical or mental. He’s like this with pretty much all the women in his life - submissives, lovers, friends. (MasterDoc almost exclusively has women in his life. lol)

When we’re out playing in public, he keeps a close eye on what other guys around me are doing and he’s quick to stop someone from unauthorized touching. He sizes up potential playmates and makes prudent decisions as to who is allowed to play with me. Last weekend when we had the other Dom visit, MasterDoc checked in on me many times that evening.

I may do a lot for him as a submissive, but he thanks me all the time, I mean ALL THE TIME for the things I do to help him around his place. He is always appreciative. He’s always complimenting me on how efficient I am and saying sweet things like, “You’re the bestest!”

Which brings me to another thing I love about him - he’s human. He doesn’t pretend to be perfect, and I don’t pretend that he’s perfect. A few years back I looked for a Dom on CollarMe, and I was unhappy with what I found. Way too often the Dominant men were full of themselves, took themselves too seriously and had to behave like they’re “lord and master of the universe” every second of interacting with me. MasterDoc has a sense of humor. We laugh a lot. He can be charming and adorable and say silly things like, “You’re the bestest.” He doesn’t worry about it making him seem less Dominant. He has a very silly sense of humor and that goes well with mine. While I’m always his submissive, things are pretty relaxed much of the time. We hang out, watch DVDs together, play games, all sorts of “normal” things. It’s not “suck my cock bitch!” 24/7. We have my collar to help denote when I need to be especially in the mindset, but most of the time he’s very cool about being a Dom. He might ask me to go get him a drink, but he will tell me that it’s not important to go right away, that I can wait until the next commercial. His every whim doesn’t have to be catered to the second it appears. (I would suppose some Doms would say he’s too soft with me, but I feel like he’s just the right amount of ‘domliness’ for me.) If I’m about to do something and he asks me to do something else I will ask him if it’s okay to do what I was planning on doing first, or if he needs me to do what he asks right now. Usually he will say that what he wants can wait a minute. But I can trust that if he wants it done right away that it’s important that it gets done right away.

I also appreciate that he doesn’t expect me to me perfect. All the time I forget things he’s asked me to do - unintentionally, I can just be a space cadet much of the time, and he doesn’t punish me for it he just prods me again to do it. I may get a mild scolding but he doesn’t make me feel terrible for making a mistake. After going to the car twice in one evening for things he had forgotten there, I joked that if I should outlive him (likely considering our age difference) and look for another Dom someday, that I will look for one without ADD. But you know, I soon realized that a Dom without ADD might not appreciate how easy it is to forget things and how unintentional it can be. I’m never going to be perfect, after all, who is, but he tries to help me improve by talking to me calmly and rationally. I love his rationality. I get so caught up in emotions and he’s like a calm port in a storm. He’s very patient with me.

He’s also a wonderful cuddler. His arms feel so solid and comforting to be in. We make time for cuddling quite a lot. He’s very loving when he’s not beating the crap out of me. *grin* He’s very attuned to my limits and we’ve never played with a safeword - I’m sure that will surprise people. But he pays close attention to me and my reactions when we play, and he knows when to stop and when he can press on. A couple of months back I was in a depression and started bawling my eyes out during a scene - and he knew when to stop and just hold me and let me cry. (And we had discussed prior how I would like to cry during a scene, I thought it would be very cathartic.) Now as we said before he’s not perfect, but he always pays attention to the effect his behavior has on me and adjusts it if something didn’t work well the first time. (For example, after we sorted out the issue last week, he made a comment that his one regret was pushing me during a time when we hadn’t seen each other for days and weren’t going to see each other for days. Pushing me a bit when I’m going to see him the next day is different than pushing me when it will be days before we can talk. He notices these things and files them away for future reference.) He understands that sometimes submission is difficult and things need to be talked out. He’s always up for a talk. And unlike me, who usually tries to hide behind the internet, he makes a point of talking in person, so that after the rough patch has been dealt with we can cuddle and feel good again.

When I’m at his place he takes care of my basic needs - he always pays for food. He picks up things at the store that I would like. He’s very generous not only with his time but with money as well. After all, I work full time, I could reasonably be asked to pay my half of any meal. But he recognizes that I earn less than him and that his feeding me is a huge help. He takes care of me on so many levels. If I need a hug he will go out of his way to see me if he can.

When you have a blog, it’s all too easy to make yourself look good and your Dom out to be a big meanie-pants. But I have my flaws, and there’s things about me which MasterDoc deals with with amazing patience. Neither of us is perfect, but we are happily imperfect together.

So, um, why don’t y’all comment on some of the other posts, too?