Archive for the 'assault' Category

Infuriation

Published
by
Nadia
on September 14, 2008
in assault
. 0 Comments

There are plenty of things in this society that infuriate me, but the one on my mind today is the fact that in the case of a rape or assault the benefit of the doubt is inevitably given to the perpetrator. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encountered people not wanting to get involved, not wanting to condemn what is illegal, not to mention damaging behavior. When a woman actually has the strength to speak out she finds apathy and an unwillingness to acknowledge her experience staring back at her. I truly believe we live in a society that condones sexual violence against women. (I won’t get into how awful it is that men don’t even feel like they can admit to having been raped or assaulted, as a woman I speak from a woman’s experience.) The burden of proof is put on the woman to prove what has happened to her, and even when people have been around when it happens they STILL aren’t willing to speak up for what’s right.

It’s no mystery to me why so many women do not report rapes and assaults. When you get people just sticking their head in the sand you start to reevaluate your decision to speak up. Sure, what happened to you was wrong, but does it matter knowing that if no one else will acknowledge that it even happened? The benefit of the doubt goes to the perpetrator - so the victim gets to experience both being victimized and being ignored. And that infuriates me. It’s easy to get away with a sexual assault. Not so easy to get over having been assaulted.

A Moment of Schadenfreude

Published
by
Nadia
on August 10, 2008
in Uncategorized and assault
. 2 Comments

I never thought this day would come. Finally, FINALLY people are speaking out about how fucked up the guy who assaulted me is. (Here, here, here and here.) I was so alone right after the assault as no one would call this guy on his fucked up behavior. (No one in the local scene anyway. I had lots of wonderful support from friends on the internets and outside the scene. Yes, I’m talking about you Curmudgeony, as well as Davey and others. I appreciate you all.) People made excuses for him, someone was even mean enough to tell me I was crazy (this was one of his girlfriends). I suffered greatly because I refused to shut up about what this guy did to me. I was too afraid to name him at the time, but I realize now that it took a lot of strength to keep talking publicly even when he was angry with the reaction my blog readers were giving his actions and he was treating me like shit behind the scenes. Finally his alcoholism is being discussed. Finally the carefully constructed persona is coming down. Maybe now someone will acknowledge what he did to me.

A friend from that time wrote me yesterday, pretty much apologizing for not sticking up for me more. I felt so happy to hear from her. Losing her friendship in the aftermath of the assault was something I was very sad about. She always acknowledged what he did was wrong, but like most people she hesitated to be really vocal about what happened. It feels really good to reconnect with her and let bygones be bygones. I’m glad that there’s something he took from me (her friendship) that I’ve now gotten back. In seeing his downfall, I also feel like some of the power he had over me has been taken back as well. I feel like I’ve gotten a part of myself back. As I’ve told S., I’d like to spend some time alone today with that part I’ve gotten back, so I can appreciate it and celebrate it.

Schadenfreude is what they call it. I feel an overwhelming sense of schadenfreude. (Leave it to my German ancestors to come up with a word that means taking pleasure in someone else’s pain.) I feel so happy today, happier than I’ve been in a long time. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel like a huge amount of healing has happened for me in just one day. I feel like crying with relief. Three plus years of suffering somewhat silently has ended.

I believe in karma now. And as they say, karma’s a bitch, Jefferson. While in therapy to deal with the assault my therapist pointed out that alcoholics step over the line over and over again, and that what he did to me was not the only time he’d step over the line. That truth is clear to me now.

The Negative Side of Sex

Published
by
Nadia
on June 20, 2008
in assault
. 3 Comments

Continuing on with the theme of facing the negative side of sex head on, I’m inspired today to write about a discussion I’ve had via email on Collar Me with another sub. We got on the topic of the assault I suffered about three years ago. (She’s unfortunately been through something similar.)

For those of you who haven’t read my old blog, or read far back on this blog, I was sexually assaulted at a play party by the party host. For the first time ever he decided to play with me, and he decided to use a speculum as a sex toy. I wasn’t comfortable with that but in the spirit of trying new things I figured if I didn’t like it I could just ask him to stop. After all, that had always seemed like the un-transgressed rule of the parties - no means no. So he put it in and it hurt. And I told him, “That hurts, take it out.” He not only ignored my request, but when someone else reiterated what I said he shook his head no and shifted the speculum inside me, which only served to jab me further. I started to panic, looked at a friend I had there that night for help, unfortunately said friend was otherwise engaged and I panicked further. I decided that this was going to stop right then and there and shouted out my request for everyone to hear. That stopped the guy in his tracks. After he removed the speculum, I slapped his arm (not as hard as I should have) and ran off to the bathroom where I burst into tears. It was a very traumatic incident for me, which wasn’t made any better by people that night wanting me to “make up” with him and hug him (the LAST thing I wanted to do) and then later making excuses why it happened. “He was drunk.” Yeah, like that’s a good excuse for ignoring someone’s wishes to stop and traumatizing them. I tried talking to him afterward but he took exception to my calling it assault and insisted it was just an “accident.” Soon, he was doing his best to convince everyone else that I was crazy. Anyway, I stopped going to those parties (Since I called him on his bullshit he told me I was uninvited. I had no intention of going back to his place ever again anyway.) I severed ties with everyone I knew from the parties. And I then spent the better part of two years trying to work through what had happened. I really feel like I should have saved my therapy bills and sent them to him to pay. He owes me that much, the bastard.

I shyed away from sex, and basically had a monogamous life with Davey, despite our being polyamorous in name. Davey, bless his soul, was really patient when I’d be triggered again during sex and have trouble continuing. I dealt with all manner of post traumatic stress. It still crops up from time to time, but I’ve managed to work through much of it and return to my slutty ways. But I have to say I feel really glad that I go to parties with MasterDoc as I trust him to always watch out for me and to always be in control of the situation. I can relax and enjoy myself because I have him there with me. He keeps a keen eye on everything that’s going on.

Anyway, that’s the back story. In my email exchange with this other sub, we got on the topic of experiencing some of the trauma again, but on your own terms this time. For her, it took the form of watching a horrific rape scene from a movie. (I couldn’t bring myself to watch it.) But I’ve thought a few times recently, that perhaps having some sort of scene with MasterDoc using a speculum might be therapeutic in a way. I trust him. He knows me well and would watch out for my well being. And afterwards, I could be cuddled and held by someone who cares very much about me. It would be a very different experience than the assault. It would be a way of re-experiencing it, but on my own terms. Having control of the situation might help take some of the power away from the traumatic experience I had.

I’ve read that rape victims often involve themselves in (play) rape scenes as a way of dealing with what happened to them. Having something happen on your terms can empower you and help you move past what’s happened. Now, I’ve been raped as well but that was 10 years ago and doesn’t have the sting the assault has, probably because it happened in England and the odds of me running into the perpetrator ever again are slim to none. Also, I didn’t have a confrontation with the guy afterwards where he denied what happened. Whereas I run into the online presence of my assaulter all the time (he blogs on a few sex blogs and he’s on FetLife. I go to read new and interesting sex blogs and of course he’s linked on about half of them.) I don’t know that re-experiencing the event on my own terms will completely close the door on my anxieties and bitterness, but it might help take some of the sting away. I’ve spent the past three years trying to lessen the sting. I’m bitter that it seems that it will never completely go away. My entire life changed in one night. I want a heartfelt apology and admission of what was done to me, but that will never happen. So I continue to try to find ways to dampen down the pain.

Bad Week

Published
by
Nadia
on March 6, 2008
in assault and depression
. 0 Comments

I’m having a rough week. Friday night triggered memories of the assault in me and so I’ve been dwelling on it. It doesn’t help that at the end of this month marks three years since it happened, and this is a notable anniversary because after this I can’t report it to police. Time will have run out. In a way, it will be a relief, because then I can stop berating myself about how I should watch out for other women and report this man, all the while knowing that my own sanity is what I really need to watch out for. Reporting him would probably yield nothing and I’d be left feeling even more angry and frustrated than I do now.

Then with all my dwelling it dawned on me that next month marks 10 years since I was raped. What a banner year of anniversaries, eh?

To top all this off I don’t think my lowered dose of prozac is agreeing with me. I’m terribly depressed, even having thoughts of suicide and self-mutilation. I took a sick day today to call my shrink and see if I can sort things out. Mostly I’ve just slept the morning away but I did talk to my psychiatrist and I’m going to be back on the higher dose for the time being (after I’m feeling stable again, then we’ll try one day on higher, one day on lower, as an attempt to put my blood levels at some point in between the higher and lower doses).

I’m feeling angry and resentful that the sexual traumas in my life still affect me. I feel that they’ve left me emotionally and permanently disabled. I resent the fact that my relationships with decent men in my life can be touched by the assaults at unexpected times. (Triggers have occurred with Davey, and others, so it’s not just the nature of the play MasterDoc and I engage in. Really, anything can trigger it. There are times when I’m in public and I freeze inside because I’ve seen a man around the same age, build and hair color of the guy who assaulted me with a speculum.)

The problem with when I’m this depressed is that I withdraw and I don’t talk about what’s going on. I’m happily surprised that I took it upon myself to call my psychiatrist. I’m dismayed that I took a sick day because that means it’s really bad. I’m now going to spend the rest of the day reining in thoughts of suicide and hurting myself and just escape into playing The Sims2. And I hope that taking a higher dose of medication today will help lift my mood somewhat.

Triggers

Published
by
Nadia
on November 17, 2007
in assault and trauma
. 0 Comments

While most days I’m a happy-go-lucky slut, there are still times when memories/feelings of the assault and the rape come up unexpectedly. It’s sometimes quite unexpected what will trigger these feelings. I’ve had feelings come up when seeing something named Jefferson (and there’s a hell of a lot of stuff in this country named after Thomas Jefferson), I’ve had feelings come up earlier this year fooling around with Davey and having a hard time reaching orgasm (and feeling like I’m an irreparably broken human being from the assault. I’ve ended up in tears over this a few times in the past couple of years.) This week, I had an instance when it felt like someone wasn’t listening to me, and it flooded back feelings of not being listened to when I was raped and when I was assaulted. Now, the reaction I had (panic, feeling unsafe) had very little, if anything, to do with the person who happened to be involved with the trigger. I trust the person involved with the trigger. Just as I trust Davey but still triggers have come up with him.

Unfortunately the person involved with this instance of triggering took things personally and was rather hurt that I seemed to not trust him. I instantly felt terrible for hurting his feelings and spent quite a bit of time crying that night. But the fact is, I can’t control these trigger reactions any more than a soldier coming home from war can control feeling panicked at loud noises. The people who happen to be around when I’m triggered don’t generally have anything at all to do with how I end up feeling. Little stupid things can make me feel triggered. I recognize this as simply post traumatic stress and figure I’ll have to deal with it off and on throughout my life. This is why rape and sexual assault are so damaging – they change a person forever. I can never go back to having the level of trust in humanity I had before those two events in my life. And this affects everyone in my life in some small way, whether they know it or not. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to the wonderful men who are in my life who wouldn’t ever hurt me or ignore my lack of consent. But this shit is abundant in our society and it pisses me off. We have legions of damaged women (and sometimes even men) who must try to dodge triggers right and left and get through their lives with some semblance of normalcy.

Thankfully, I spend most of my time not feeling triggered. It happens less and less as time goes on, and I’m better at identifying what’s going on and dealing with it than I was when the post traumatic stress first came on. (Right after the assault I couldn’t be out alone at night without feeling like something terrible was going to happen to me. And I wasn’t in a situation where I was out alone at night when the assault happened. I just felt unsafe all over.) I’d love to think that some day triggers won’t happen to me, but then I’m not naïve enough to think that’s the case.

Oh well, right now I’m post-trigger and I’m determined to have a wonderful time at my birthday gang bang this afternoon. Despite what’s happened to me I’m still a free-spirited sexual babe and I’m not going to let anything stop me from that (for long). Viva pleasure!

Silence

Published
by
Nadia
on October 21, 2007
in assault
. 0 Comments

Reading the chapter on rape in Cunt of course got me thinking about things that have happened to me. Inga Muscio makes the point that silence is what allows rape and assault against women to continue. She quotes Ursula K. LeGuin, “The power of the harasser, the abuser, the rapist depends above all on the silence of women.” And this is too true. I’ve never filed charges against the man who raped me or the man who sexually assaulted me at a sex party. A few months back I finally referred to Jefferson, the man who assaulted me, by name in this blog. That took me two years to do. For the rest of the time I was virtually silent. I was left to deal with the after effects of what he did to me while he went on with his life like nothing happened. I did speak up and confront him and others who attended his parties on what he did right after, but I got rebuffed as “crazy” because no one wanted to look at what had happened that night. I only wish I had been less scared and decided to file charges against him come hell or high water. I only wish I was less scared now.

I love Muscio’s idea that rape should be handled by what she calls “Cuntlovin’ Public Retailation” – in other words women should band together to publicly denounce rapists (en masse), to embarrass them at their homes, places of work, etc. We should not be silent as to what these men have done to harm and shame us. And we should stand up for any woman who’s gone through this as rape affects us all. Every person who has a cunt has to worry about going out alone at night, going out dressed seductively, just simply existing in the world we live in because at any given point in time a man can decide that he has to exert control by raping a cunt. The fact that this behavior is so terribly condoned by our society (yes, I feel that it’s condoned) disgusts me. You can bet such deep humiliation of men would not be tolerated in our society. But destroying a woman’s sense of safety, her sense of power over her life, that happens with only silence greeting it.

I’m tired of being silent. But of course I’m still afraid. If I wasn’t afraid I’d sit here and publish the real names of the men who’ve taken away my right to choose what happens to my cunt. I’d link to the one who has a blog. But even just putting his name up here terrifies me – even though very few people read this blog. It would have been really terrific had I published who did it on my old blog, read by 100 people a day, back when the assault actually happened. But I was even more afraid then than I am now. And so I remain virtually silent.

Still

Published
by
Nadia
on August 18, 2007
in assault, bdsm, dom and sex
. 0 Comments

I’m still feeling triggered, although I’m trying to get back to the mindset I was in the past few days (that of thinking about delightful, naughty things to get up to). I realized that it would be best if I told MasterDoc the name of the guy who assaulted me so when he’s lining up people to fuck me he can avoid that particular person. Talk about triggers! Suddenly finding myself in a situation with that guy would freak me out to no end. I mean, if just reading his name sends me into a state of panic I can only imagine what encountering him would be like. I realize that some day I’ll probably run into him at a party somewhere. And I keep working towards being able to handle that and not feel freaked out. I’m at a much better place with it than I used to be but this most recent trigger underlines that I still have more work to do.

Before being triggered, I was thinking a lot about being submissive, something I hadn’t thought much about over the past couple of years. In recent months I even started questioning if I was still into being dominated. But after having fun with MasterDoc I realize that my submissive streak is very much still there, I just needed to find someone to bring it out again. The other day I was talking with him online and I said something saucy and he said, “You’ve just earned yourself one extra hard spanking.” And my little submissive heart soared. Of course, I realize that in the middle of the extra hard spanking I’ll be wondering why the hell I was happy about it (and begging for it to stop), but for now the idea turns me on. I’ve been hornier than I’ve been in a long time, and nearly all my naughty thoughts revolve around D&s. I’m so looking forward to playing with MasterDoc on Monday.

Haunted Yet Again

Published
by
Nadia
on August 17, 2007
in assault
. 0 Comments

Over at the Practical Polyamory blog I ran into the fact that Jefferson, the guy who assaulted me a couple of years ago, is presenting at an upcoming kinky conference. I guess I just have to live with the fact that this bastard is going to appear in the sex world, and I have to live with it. At the same time I wish I could post somewhere very visible what he did to me so people could know. Maybe a few would look at him differently then. Then again, sexual assault is condoned in this society so I doubt very many people would do a damn thing about it. The party goers and my supposed friends certainly didn’t. It just frustrates me that I’m going about my business, getting back to my slutty self and he keeps friggin popping up online. I hate him. But I have to admit, as time goes by it gets easier, little by little, to deal with. The triggering isn’t as intense as it used to be. And the fact is I finally feel strong enough to just name the dickhead instead of dancing around the issue.

Defiance

Published
by
Nadia
on July 13, 2007
in assault
. 1 Comment

I think that I’m having another one of those “life is going well so my subconscious has to dredge up worries” times again. Yesterday anxiety about the assault came up. It’s not totally unfounded as I might go to a sex party on Saturday with N. and Davey and this woman N.’s dating. As always I have worries about running into the dickwad who assaulted me. But then I was thinking that perhaps the anxiety is coming up because I’m going to go play with my couple for the first time in a long time tonight. And while I know them and feel comfortable with them, I haven’t had any bdsm play in ages and maybe that’s made me a little anxious.

Despite this anxiety I’m starting to feel defiant - and not willing to hide. I’ve avoided putting my pseudonym and references to my old blog on this blog, but this morning I said, “Fuck it.” and now identify myself in the profile section. I’m even considering naming the man who assaulted me (complete with link to his blog). I’m not sure it’s worth the hassle but I’ve really done myself a disservice by not being forthright about it from day one. After what he did to me he doesn’t deserve to be anonymous. He’s the one who should be ashamed. Not me.

I’m not sure if I’m going to that party on Saturday night (N. is waiting to hear back from his date for that night) but I think that if it turns out everyone’s up for it then I should go, despite the anxiety. I need to get my life back and not let fear keep me from having a good time. Fuck it. I’m going to have good life and just ride out the occasional anxiety. As I’ve learned from dealing with some anxieties in therapy, usually the fear before something is far worse than the event actually happening. Someday I might run into the guy who assaulted me. And I will come out of it okay. I’m sure of that.

Small World

Published
by
Nadia
on May 24, 2007
in assault and optimism
. 0 Comments

Yet again I’ve had the experience of someone I’m dating somehow knowing someone who knows the guy who assaulted me. I have to just accept that the local slut world is small enough that I’m going to stumble upon this guy’s name - if not run into him in person - now and then. I have to have a plan as to how I’m going to react when I run into this guy. (I want to punch him in the face, in an attempt to break his nose, but who knows if I’ll do that. I’ve never punched anyone in my life.)

The good side is that news of the assault is out to two guys I’m dating right now and both have been very supportive. I feel it’s like a litmus test to see how a guy reacts to the news of what happened to me.

This morning, I woke up determined to be happy and do good things. I can’t undo the bad that’s been done to me, but I can put some good energy out into the world to counteract that. I was sure to exercise, which makes me feel stronger physically and emotionally and I threw myself into my story time today at work. I am a good person. I can do good in the world. And to hell with the bad people out there - I’m gonna have a good life because I can.