Diary of a Kinky Librarian

MasterDoc encouraged me not to post this, to keep my blog completely sex-positive. But I find that I feel better being an activist for the reality of sex. I don’t really see this sex-negative, I see it as widening awareness about what can naturally occur as part of sex. After this I’ll go back to regaling you with tales of hot kinky sex. But for now, humor me and file this under “Nadia’s STI activism.” I’ve provided many links for you to find further information, or to back up things I’ve said.

I’ve debated writing about this topic on this blog, even though I was quite open about it on my old blog three years ago. The thing that tipped the scales for me was when I asked Jane’s Guide to update the link to my review, and rather than finding the review for my librarianbabe.blogspot.com blog that predated this one, they found the old review from my kinkylibrarian.blogspot.com blog, and there they mention that I’m open about my life with herpes. And so I decided to be open about it yet again.

As I’ve said before, I believe in writing about the good and the bad when it comes to sex. I can’t think of another sex blog mentioning sexually transmitted infections (STIs) any time recently. But the fact is STIs are a risk of having sex. How big of a risk depends on many things, such as consistent and correct condom use, how accurate your partner’s STI testing was, how honest they are about their status, how many partners you have, etc. If you’re serious about avoiding STIs then I suggest strict monogamy with lots of testing before becoming sexually active with each other (even that’s imperfect as testing is imperfect, there’s also the fact that most (nearly all) people catch HSV-1 orally in childhood, so oral sex is nearly always going to carry a risk). If you’re going to be a slut, you’re going to be exposed to herpes and HPV, probably many times. (Exposure does not automatically mean infection.) Both are prevalent enough that the odds are you’ve fucked someone who has one or both. They may very well not have known they had it. It’s estimated that 70-90% of people who have herpes don’t know they have it. 1 The guy who gave it to me swore that he had been tested for “everything” but here’s the catch: a) he could have been lying, b) he could have been honest but not known that his testing for “everything” didn’t include a herpes test (frequently doesn’t get included unless you know you’ve been exposed or have an active outbreak), or c) his test could have produced a false negative. In the 10 years I’ve had herpes I’ve tested both negative and positive for it. You can imagine what I think about the veracity of tests.

Herpes is relatively common (2, 3) with HSV-2 estimated being in 20-25% of the population; HSV-1 is generally listed at around 90% of the population. Now type 1 is typically found orally and type 2 is typically found genitally, but with the prevalence of unprotected oral sex, rates of HSV-1 being transmitted to the genitals are on the rise. (HSV-2 rarely transmits to the mouth and when it does it usually produces no symptoms at all. 4) Rates of transmission in couples where one has HSV-2 and one doesn’t are typically reported at 3-5% per year (not including those on antivirals and those who use condoms, both of which enormously reduce, but do not eliminate the transmission rate). That’s a pretty small risk. 5 So if you’re a happy slut, I recommend you continue being happy, just use your head and realize that there IS a risk. You could very well some day be diagnosed with an STI. I get really fed up with those who are slutty/swingers and yet act like they can’t possibly have been exposed to herpes or HPV (or chlamydia or gonorrhea or HIV for that matter). When I was going to go to my first sex party, I asked the host how disclosure is usually handled, and he had no idea so he went to a mutual friend, a sex educator, for advice. Her long rant can be read here. It’s worth reading. Before that blog entry, I disclosed to every single potential partner. That’s 7 years of full disclosure. Most people are okay with the herpes thing, a few freak out and never talk to me again (um, you can’t get it by just saying to me, “Sorry but I’m not comfortable with the risk.”). After reading Jane’s opinion I opted to go to parties, not offer the information as I was undoubtedly not the only risk there (after I stopped going to Jefferson’s parties learned a guy I frequently fucked there had dealt with bouts of genital warts, so yes, I definitely wasn’t the only risk in town), but I always promised myself that if anyone asked I’d be honest. And you know what? No one ever asks. Ever. So I take a daily antiviral, and use condoms without fail and don’t have sex during outbreaks or symptoms. To the best of my knowledge I’ve never passed it along to anyone. (3.5 years with Davey and 1 year with MasterDoc and both are, as best we’re able to tell, herpes-free.) Of course, testing being what it is there’s no hard proof that that’s true. I continue to tell many of my partners. I can’t see myself trying to start a friendship or relationship with someone and not disclosing before sex. That would be a shitty way to start a friendship. But the few totally random people at sex clubs? I will tell if they ask. And as I said before, they never do. And if they’re not asking me they’re not asking the other person they just fucked. And they really have no idea or hope of having an idea of the STI status of their partners. If you’re a slut you are putting yourself at risk! Assume that your partner has everything and take what to you are reasonable precautions. I realize my philosophy on disclosure at parties is controversial, but know that there are people like me out there, not to mention the ones who would freely lie about their status or the many who just don’t know their status. (Kinda like the guy who gave it to me, while his testing claims are debatable his saying “I’ve had that before it goes away by itself,” when I spotted blisters on his penis show a distinct lack of brains on his part. If he didn’t have any thing why did he have recurring blisters on his penis??) Assess the level of risk you’re okay with and act accordingly. You are responsible for your own sexual health. Since my behavior has been condoned by both a sex educator and a doctor (MasterDoc) I feel like I’ve taken advice from the best possible, educated (least hysterical) sources.

As for those of you recently diagnosed with or knowingly sleeping with someone with herpes, please realize it is, for the vast majority of individuals, a minor skin infection. Catching it is hardly the end of the world. Part of why I speak up is to help lessen the stigma attached to STIs. Infectious diseases are a part of life. Life is a risk. I have decided that the risk that comes from having safer sex with multiple partners is worth it to me (and I have an increased risk of catching something else because I have herpes). It might not be to you. Educate yourself and make the decision. And everybody, please realize that most STIs are not as horrific as they are made out to be. They are sexually transmitted so immediately people are scandalized because of their method of transmission. But most are curable (chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and in recent years they say that HPV often clears on its own), some are quite preventable with condom use (HIV, hepatitis – definitely the ones you want to prevent) and just herpes, a minor infection, is still incurable and transmittable even with condoms. But then it’s transmittable via unprotected oral sex, and how many people do you know have protected oral sex?? Be an educated slut.