Archive for the 'mental illness' Category

Submission and Depression

Published
by
Nadia
on October 26, 2008
in depression, mental illness and submissive
. 1 Comment

I’m not ashamed to talk about my struggle with depression. Not any more ashamed than I would be if it were something like diabetes I was talking about. I look at it as a chronic illness I have learned to live with. Sometimes it’s easy to deal with and I feel fine, other times it comes around again and I have to struggle.

It’s not easy being a good submissive when you’re depressed. When mired in depression it’s hard to find the energy to take care of yourself, much less take care of your Dominant. I find myself in a bad headspace and I have a much harder time controlling my tongue and emotional responses. Submission requires a measure of self-control as well as the control of your Dom. As a good and obedient submissive I’m expected to be respectful and watch my tone when speaking to him, but when I’m depressed it’s much harder to do so.

I struggled with the beating on Friday because of where my head was. In the heat of it I felt angry, resentful and just terrible. I cried out more than usual and louder than usual because of how I felt. I put my hands out to cover my thighs when it hurt rather than taking it like I would have normally. I felt the urge to fight rather than submit. But despite having a hard time with it, it certainly wasn’t a traumatic event. My relationship with MasterDoc is such that even when I’m in a bad mood I know deep down that he watches out for me. He didn’t dish out anything that day that I couldn’t truly take, and as I sobbed uncontrollably he held me and gave me the aftercare I really needed. I’m sure it’s hard for someone outside the lifestyle to understand, but his beating me that day was done out of love and a desire to help me feel better. I often feel calmer and more centered after a good beating. Unfortunately I was depressed enough that it took more than that that afternoon. But I think somehow I needed to have the fight beaten out of me. I needed to be broken down so I could just cry and feel the horrible feelings inside me. I’m sure a few people would question my feminist credentials at this point, but emotions are complex things. Submitting isn’t necessarily a weakness. Being broken down can mean something bad, or it can be the opportunity for you to let go of negative feelings and then be rebuilt again, better than before. I won’t sob uncontrollably around everyone, but in the context of a scene it felt okay to let go and feel what I was feeling. It was a safe environment for me. I knew that he would take care of me.

Depression is hard on any relationship, but in the D/s dynamic it can be particularly hard. After all, MasterDoc is used to being able to control me -  and that includes making me feel better when I’m down. When I linger in a depressed state, and I can’t even explain what I’m depressed about (because I don’t know), I’m sure it makes him feel powerless. I know it makes him worry about me. I worry that the depression will cause problems between us. When depressed I feel down on myself and start thinking that my significant others would be better off without me. When I’m not depressed I realize that that judgement is up to them, not me. But depression clouds judgement and makes it hard to act maturely and rationally. On Friday night, instead of trying to be seductive when MasterDoc was focusing on my friend, or at least pulling him aside to explain that I needed attention and was having a hard time, I just curled up, withdrew and sulked. In my foggy mental state I couldn’t figure out how to constructively convey what I needed. I was afraid to speak up because I figured he would just tell me I was being whiny. But I shouldn’t underestimate him. He could tell that I really was in a bad place mentally and not being a pain in the ass intentionally. He took the time to take care of me, to pay attention and to give me orgasms to make me feel good physically and mentally. I’m really thankful I have him in my life. I’ve always needed someone who was strong enough to deal with my getting depressed and being mentally ill. It’s not an easy thing to live with - whether you’re the one who’s depressed or your lover is the one who’s depressed. But he’s strong, and because of that I feel like it’s okay for me to sometimes be weak around him.

Beating Depression

Published
by
Nadia
on October 12, 2008
in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, bdsm, depression, flogging, masochism, mental illness, orgasm denial, sex, spanking and submissive
. 1 Comment

I’m prone to depression, have been since I was young. These days, I’m happy most of the time - I have the proper medication and feel on an even keel usually. But on Friday night I hit a rough patch and was severely depressed. I have no idea what brought it on but I had been feeling very anxious earlier in the day. It could be thanks to a change in medication, could just be hormonal. Whatever it was, I was seriously depressed. I spent the better part of two hours crying, not knowing why I was crying. I was a mess. MasterDoc hugged me and was wonderful to me, but he wasn’t feeling well himself so he wasn’t up to beating me. I know it sounds strange, but the two of us knew that was something that would turn my mood around. I got up the next morning and went to work, still feeling wretched.

I went back to MasterDoc’s that night after work and picked up some ice cream on the way. Yup, I was looking to self-medicate. Thankfully, MasterDoc felt better and he decided that we would spend the evening in and a beating would ensue since I was feeling so bad. We had ice cream, then dinner, then he had me put my collar on and get on my knees by a chair in the living room. He had me put the blindfold on and he sat in the chair in front of me. He put clothespins on my nipples and flicked the clothespins with his fingers. He had me bend over the chair. Using his hands and other implements he really beat on my ass. My pain tolerance was good and so the sensation mostly felt soothing and good. Yes, I know I’m a strange girl. It’s amazing how wonderful pain can make me feel. It’s counter-intuitive to react that way but it’s just how I am. He beat me for a while, even taking the heavy flogger to my upper back for a bit. It’s a bit like meditation to be beaten - you get into this other mental state, which is usually referred to as subspace. He was fairly rough with me, but I felt better and better as the beating went on.

He gave me the magic wand and had me use it on myself. I was so turned on from the beating. I kept pressing the vibrating wand into my clit. I asked for permission to come, but he didn’t let me right away. He kept beating me, sometimes it really hurt, but most of the time it was cathartic. My arousal grew as I continued to use the vibrator on myself. He finally gave me permission to come, and oh my god did I come hard and long. I felt like I could just keep coming forever. He gave me some lashes with the whip end of my slapper while I came - it’s really something else what I can take during orgasm. Pain that is usually too much is bearable somehow. Between the orgasm and the beating, I felt so much better afterwards. It’s like a miracle cure for my depression. I suppose it’s the endorphins that are released, but whatever it is, it works.

We hung out for a little while, watching tv and whatnot and he had me take my collar off. I felt subdued. A little while later he put some porn on we watched for a while. I felt entranced by the kinkiness going on. He told me to get myself warmed up, that he was going to fuck me. I used the little red vibrator on my clit and was hot and bothered again in no time. Despite not having the collar on, I felt like it was appropriate to call him Sir and so I did throughout the scene. We went to the bedroom and he fucked me while I lay on my back. I tried to hold off on asking for an orgasm, but eventually I gave in. He didn’t let me come then, and afterward he asked me to take even longer next time before asking permission. It’s so hard not to ask for permission, I get so incredibly worked up and on the verge of orgasm. Sometimes it feels like I won’t be able to hold back, but so far I’ve always managed to have enough self-control. I worry that someday I’ll slip. He finished fucking me and we cuddled a bit.

He had me lay on my side and he tried to enter me from behind. The angle wasn’t right so he said he guessed that he would just have to fuck me up the ass then. He had me lube up my ass to get it ready. It took some work to slide his cock in, the angle just wasn’t very good. I complained about the angle but he didn’t stop. It was uncomfortable, but his continuing on despite this got me so hot. I really do think I’m a bit wacko as pain can make me feel so good. In another context I’d have felt traumatized or violated, but with him I got wildly turned on and when he told me to come I came. Rowr. Very hot butt sex. Mind you, with someone else I might not have reacted so well. I think it makes a huge difference that I know he knows what he’s doing, and he wouldn’t truly hurt me - not in a bad way.

I snuggled up to his chest, but I was feeling really lusty so I started to caress his chest and lick it. He stroked his cock while I did this and I kept it up, feeling oh so passionate and sexual. He was breathing heavy and I did my best to make him feel good. When he came, he came all over my tummy. It was gooey. I was eager to take a shower at that point, but he said for that I would have to stay with his come on me. While it was gooey I was longing for a shower, but once it dried I kinda liked being a dirty girl with his come on me. In the end I slept with it on me and showered in the morning. Did I mention that by this point my depression was completely gone? I’m feeling much better, although I do feel like I could go for another beating. MasterDoc called me a greedy girl when I mentioned that.

Friday

Published
by
Nadia
on April 27, 2007
in mental illness
. 0 Comments

I’ve felt saner the past couple of days than I did on Wednesday night. That’s the way things have been going lately - mostly feeling okay interspersed with feeling like shit. I saw my shrink yesterday and he prescribed a tranquilizer to help me through the rough patches. I like the fact that we’re just adding something to be taken as needed rather than another daily medication to the list. And I think I feel better just knowing I have something to take when I feel scarily like crap. There’s an underlying anxiety when I feel bad lately. Tranquilizing it might work. We have another medication option if this doesn’t work, which it makes me feel better to know as well. Sometimes having options is all you really need. It’s also nice to know there’s people on my side helping me through this. When I was younger I was always alone in all this.

Impulses

Published
by
Nadia
on April 23, 2007
in crazy, impulses and mental illness
. 0 Comments

There must be something “off” with my meds. Today I admitted to my therapist (the only person I’ve admitted it to until now) that lately I get these random impulses/thoughts about killing myself. They’re really strange because I can easily rationalize why I don’t want to do that, but I’ll get a random thought like “Hey I could down all these pills easily.” or “I could drive my car off the road into a tree, just like that.” Or yesterday, I was in a restaurant and a cop stood near me with a thigh holster and I had the urge to just take the gun -not to hurt myself or anyone else, just to take it. It was a strong urge I had to fight. It makes no sense. It’s scary shit. Otherwise, I’m doing well. Yeah that sounds funny but in between these occasional lapses in sanity I’m doing well. Therapist and I think that it’s got to be med/chemical imbalance related because otherwise I’m really positive and things are going well (getting back to my old sexual, slutty self, but that’s another blog entry). Therapist offered to call my psychiatrist about it while I was there in therapy and I took her up on it. I just don’t want to deal with it so I’d be likely to just wait until my psych appointment next Monday rather than try to get something earlier. Now I’m trying to get a morning appointment before work sometime this week. And I’m trying to keep my head together.

I met up with the Irishman today and I was scared to wait for him at the train station because I read a story about someone jumping in front of a train nearby yesterday. I was scared I’d get that impulse again and do something rash. I did wait on the platform for him, but I made a conscious decision to sit away from the edge and keep myself ON the platform. I didn’t get the urge, but I was plenty anxious worrying that I would get the urge. This is weird shit and now that I’ve vocalized what’s going on I’m terribly anxious about it. I’m so scared I’ll feel compelled to do something rash and give in. For now I’m doing a great job of realizing how bizarre these thoughts are immediately and making a conscious decision to not act on them, but as my therapist pointed out all it takes is a matter of seconds for something bad to happen in these instances. I feel crazy. I hate feeling crazy. I had an incredible fear of going back to the mental hospital this morning in therapy (I was in for three months when I was 16, thanks to depression). I haven’t had that fear in years, but it felt possible. Scarily possible.

So now I’m going to keep it together as best I can and see my psychiatrist as soon as I can. On the outside everything looks fine. I’m sure Davey has no idea I’ve had these thoughts (although now that I’ve come out with it I plan to tell him about it tonight, although I really hate to worry him and I know he’ll worry). I’m sure the Irishman had no idea what a lunatic I feel on the inside while we hung out today. Funny thing is, sexually I’m feeling like my old self again and it makes me really happy. I got some good work-related news recently that made me very happy. And this weekend with Davey was just wonderful. So why am I having random thoughts of grabbing a cop’s gun in the midst of it?