Diary of a Kinky Librarian

For many people, D/s is something they play at. They’re Dominant or submissive during playtime but go on with their lives outside those roles otherwise. I was like that for a very long time, until I met MasterDoc. My relationship with MasterDoc is my first truly D/s relationship. I submit to him more or less all the time (heh, he’d probably say less, especially lately… I’ve been obstinate this week.) This is a challenge to me as I have an independent streak and sometimes just want to be left to my own devices. Being someones submissive, truly being it and not just playing for a period of time is a big commitment. It requires opening yourself up to someone in a way that vanilla relationships don’t generally require. It requires tremendous trust.

For me, letting someone in completely feels like presenting them with an open wound to poke at. It feels beyond vulnerable. It scares the bejeezus out of me. And I suppose I worry that I won’t recover from doing it. Being someone’s submissive really requires placing a tremendous amount of trust in one human being. More trust than I’ve ever placed with any human on this planet. Now of course I go into this knowing I have a choice. At any time I can say I don’t want to do it any more and I can stop being his submissive. But on so many levels I love doing it. I like the challenge, I like the idea of being able to really trust someone with all my thoughts and foibles. I just think it may take the rest of my life to get there. I’ve always been someone who, to my detriment, bottles things up inside. In many ways I’m tightly wound. I have a hard time expressing difficult emotions, particularly in a mature and constructive way. I have a hard time trusting. I grew up with a mother who would tell family friends (and acquaintances) embarassing and personal things about me at the drop of a hat (she still does and she wonders why I never call her or tell her much of anything about my life), so of course I have a hard time trusting. (And sadly, I sometimes suffer from her particular stupidity of not realizing that someone might not want me to share the info I’ve just shared about them. I try very hard to rein it in, however.)

There was a situation recently which I have a hard time with. MasterDoc asked for my password to a site so he could read my correspondence there. I have a hard time with him reading correspondence with someone else because I feel that whoever’s writing to me has a right to expect that I’m the only one who reads their email. (I ultimately didn’t give him the password.) What if they tell me something in one of those emails that they would tell me but not MasterDoc? It’s really not fair on the other person. MasterDoc raised the issue that I need to trust him that he wouldn’t abuse such power and wouldn’t suddenly micromanage and read all my messages. And you know, I’m sure he wouldn’t abuse it, but I still have reservations about him reading other people’s mail to me. To any subs who read this blog - do you have to provide access to your online accounts to your Dom? Does he/she read stuff that’s sent to you from others that was meant for your eyes only? How do you feel about this? How do the other people feel about this, if they know? I know if I sent emails to someone, expecting that only they would see it, I would be pretty pissed off to find out that they let someone else read all my thoughts and confessions. I see this as an ethical quandary. I also want to keep a certain amount of privacy for myself (a big part of why I identify as sub but not slave) and not have to write every email wondering if perhaps MasterDoc is going to read it and how he might react to it. (He agrees that I should have some amount of privacy.) I treasure my freedom of speech, I’m a librarian after all, but it’s arguable that I should feel comfortable telling him anything and everything I tell another person.

But what would happen if I trusted? What am I worried about? I truly and completely believe that MasterDoc would not abuse such power. Ultimately, he expects that when he tells me to do something that I will do it (of course I can have the expectation that he will always do so with care for my well being and best interests). He’s never done anything that could be construed as untrustworthy. He’s never put me in a situation where I was traumatized. Most of the time he leads me into the most delightful of situations, and always he keeps an eye out for my well being. So I find myself giving a lot of thought to what it means to truly submit and while a part of me balks at it part of me feels that it’s really what I want to do. It’s just scary opening yourself and your life up to someone like that. It’s not easy giving up that much control. I hope I can manage to really open up, for the first time in my life. It’s a struggle for me and will continue to be so.