Archive for the 'trust' Category

Fear

Published
by
Nadia
on July 7, 2009
in D/s, bdsm, edge play, emotions, kink, masochism, piss play, submissive and trust
. 0 Comments

I have an interesting relationship with fear. A love-hate relationship I suppose. I don’t like watching horror movies - I hate the way they make me feel afraid. I don’t like being made to jump suddenly. (I flinch easily - if I round a corner and encounter a person I hadn’t expected to see there, I will flinch.) I don’t even watch a lot of suspense films. But on the other hand I sometimes watch those “true haunting” shows on tv, always in the hopes I’ll actually, eventually get to see some real proof of a ghost. From a young age, I was fascinated with the idea of ghosts and interested in the dark side of life that many are afraid of. My best friend and I were glued to the Ouija board for a good year or so as teenagers. We thought we were communing with demons and other spirits, of course my older, cynical self thinks much of it - if not all of it - was in our heads. But it was fun times, being friendly with dark spirits we shouldn’t have been playing with. It all held a tingle of fear, but what a thrill to be facing it head on.

While doing bdsm play with someone you trust is important, after all safety is key, I can understand the thrill of doing it with someone you don’t know so well. Why? Fear. One of the things I love about MasterDoc is that he has proven himself trustworthy, and yet he can still instill fear in me. It’s the perfect combination. Safe, but not too safe.

It wasn’t until several months into our relationship that I realized I liked it when he’d make me scared. While I’m disgusted by the notion of things like being peed on or made to do analingus, the idea that he can threaten me with it, and that I can get afraid because I know full well that he would - and indeed will - make me do these things sometime is a total turn on. Yes, I get off on some fear. To be clear, it’s not the act, it’s the fact that he can make me do the act despite my own disgust and reluctance that’s the turn on. The feeling that I lack control, that I’ve given control up to him is a turn on. (Interesting that non-consensual lack of control is so very different than consensual. I’ve been traumatized by non-consensual acts in my life.)

I mentioned to him recently that we seemed to be doing less bdsm, or at least less intense bdsm lately. As we relaxed on his bed last night and I hoped that we’d get freaky, we talked for a bit. He got that evil glint in his eye that always makes me nervous. He started talking about how, by complaining that the bdsm hasn’t been intense enough, I was virtually asking for him to pee in my mouth. I acknowledged that I knew that was a risk I was taking. He went down that path, making me sing a little song to the tune of an old Campbell’s soup commercial, “Mm-mm good, mm-mm good, MasterDoc’s pee is, mm-mm good.” I tell you, it was desperately hard to get those words to come out of my mouth. I was scared he’d do it. I was scared by the idea of it.

And it’s funny, afterwards, we came to the realization that his threats, his taking my thoughts down the path to difficult submissive activities, was actually rough (in other words HOT) bdsm. Just by talking we engaged in a bit of a scene.

Some wonderful orgasms came later (kneeling! I could barely hold myself up.), and there was much cock sucking, and still more orgasms courtesy of the magic wand. While the orgasms were fulfilling in a way I needed sexually, the talk we had had was fulfilling in the way that my kinky brain needs to be pushed into fear sometimes. Fear can be delicious. It can get me wet. And some days I crave it.

No Worries

Published
by
Nadia
on March 13, 2009
in D/s, analingus, bdsm, edge play, piss play and trust
. 1 Comment

I received a concerned email after my last post, which I understand (and appreciate!) but I want to make sure that everyone realizes I’m okay. Yes, MasterDoc pushes my limits, and yes, I can adamantly say no. The person who wrote was concerned that doing anything for your Dom is a slippery slope, and while with some men it can be, MasterDoc is not going to make me do anything as wrong as hiding bodies or anything like that. (Besides, I have enough of a brain in my head to know that something like murder would land me in jail and NOBODY is worth that shit and no one who loves me would make me do that.) He gradually introduces new things - mostly by introducing the idea at first. He conditions me to get used to these things he wants to do (and again, let me point out that it’s not anything that will bring me or anyone else harm) and eventually introduces them. When I met him I couldn’t picture anyone pissing on me, or me performing analingus, but I’ve experienced both those things now. And you know what? While I still don’t like ass licking, I’ve come to no harm mentally or physically. I don’t crave him peeing on me but the worst part of the situation was that the tub I lay in was cold. Seriously. He’s also never introduced something that he hadn’t mentioned being interested in at the outset. I get fair warning as to what he eventually expects from me… and murder, harm or any sort of crazy thing like that is NOT on the menu. I have time to dig my heels in and say no. And if he were ever to suggest something harmful I would say no and walk away.

Also, for those of you who don’t know MasterDoc you probably don’t realize that a large portion of the time he threatens disgusting things it’s a headfuck. And the headfuck is part of the D/s playing between us. (Sometimes I get really turned on when he scares me, or when he humiliates me. I’m a sick freak, I know. ;-) Last night he admitted that his plan (preempted by our playmate canceling for today) was never actually to piss in my mouth. He figured if he threatened it then I’d be over the moon at him simply pissing on me. He’d tell me that I’d better make it convincing that I’m enjoying his pee on me or he’d piss in my mouth then. But he acknowledges that I’m not ready for the mouth pissing thing. I’ve told him it will be quite some time before I am. But he would not be the Dom if he didn’t keep trying to condition me to submit that far. Is this unusual compared to vanilla relationships? Hell yes. But I have developed enough trust and confidence to know he won’t do anything that will truly harm me. Sometimes the headfuck gets me worried, but inevitably he soothes me and lets me know it’s just a headfuck. (For now!) Our relationship is unusual, but it works for us.

While I’m glad and relieved that there will be no pee in my mouth today, unfortunately MasterDoc needed to take some ritalin to get things done (he has ADD) and sex isn’t in the cards for today. I’ve been trying out my new SaSi and a review will come after I feel I’ve given it a fair trial.

Newsflash: Nadia Turns Down Sex!

Published
by
Nadia
on December 18, 2008
in D/s, Uncategorized, analingus, bdsm, edge play, illness, piss play, sex and trust
. 0 Comments

It’s been a craptacular week all around. If you follow my twitter you know I’ve been sick with a stomach virus the past few days. I feel pretty awful. I also heard about some bad news at work. The economy is definitely affecting libraries, meanwhile usage stats are going up! Please, support your local library. They provide knowledge, entertainment and internet access for FREE and are a vital service to a healthy community, especially in these hard times.

So on to the news. Yes, yesterday I was with MasterDoc and I turned down the idea of sex. I know, I know it’s amazing but it does happen from time to time and being sick is definitely up there on the list of reasons to turn down sex. I’m just too tired and battling occasional nausea. I was going to help MasterDoc jerk off but I found that it was even hard to watch porn because the gagging on cock scenes made me more queasy. In the end, he went and took care of things himself while I zoned out on the sofa in front of the tv. It was really weird to have him doing things for me. It’s wonderful that he will take care of me when I’m sick but of course it makes the dynamic go a bit pear-shaped temporarily. I found myself getting up and getting drinks and putting away clean dishes because I’m so used to it. I did give myself a break, however, as I really don’t feel well. I was the only one on my case to do stuff as usual, MasterDoc accepts that I’m not well and that I need a little taking care of for the time being.

We did find one fun thing to do together yesterday, and that was reviewing my bdsm checklist. (Quite like the one found here.) If you do bdsm, you have probably come across checklists before. They’re pretty useful when you’re playing with someone new to find out what their limits and interests are. He had me fill it out when I first met him, and then again review it a few months later to see if anything had changed. We went through the list this time together and he made notes for future reference. *grin*

Hey, if you can’t have sex, the next best thing is to talk about it!

While the focus sometimes feels like it’s on what limits of mine have weakened and can be pushed, he also pays attention to areas that have perhaps been neglected - things that I wish we would do more or things that we both have an interest in doing but haven’t done. It’s interesting how in the course of a D/s relationship your limits - or what you perceive to be your limits - can change. Things that I first put down as a hard limit (rimming, being peed on) are things I’ve now done. I’m sure some people will be up in arms at the idea of a Dom “going there” with a subs’ “hard limits” but it’s interesting how you can adjust to things when they’re talked about a lot beforehand. MasterDoc has proven very good at discerning what are my truly hard limits (choking, because being asthmatic I’ve dealt with the very scary feeling of not being able to breathe and I don’t like it) and what are things that I find distasteful but will survive doing without mental scars (rimming, pee). Over the course of my explorations in bdsm I’ve found things that initially put me off now seem fascinating - like needle play. There’s some things I’m excited that we’re planning to do (butt plug under clothes out in public, like when we go to a swing club) and things that make me nervous (peeing in front of an audience) but somehow play into the fact that I do like some humiliation and fear play. (And MasterDoc is oh so good at fear play - mainly because the things he threatens he might really do! I have reason to be afraid! You really never know what he’s saying just to scare you and what he’s saying because he plans to do it down the line. Yes, I can see that this situation would not be for everyone.) Reviewing the list was fun but also made me a wee bit nervous.

Submission, Trust, and Really Letting Someone In

Published
by
Nadia
on August 21, 2008
in D/s, submissive and trust
. 2 Comments

For many people, D/s is something they play at. They’re Dominant or submissive during playtime but go on with their lives outside those roles otherwise. I was like that for a very long time, until I met MasterDoc. My relationship with MasterDoc is my first truly D/s relationship. I submit to him more or less all the time (heh, he’d probably say less, especially lately… I’ve been obstinate this week.) This is a challenge to me as I have an independent streak and sometimes just want to be left to my own devices. Being someones submissive, truly being it and not just playing for a period of time is a big commitment. It requires opening yourself up to someone in a way that vanilla relationships don’t generally require. It requires tremendous trust.

For me, letting someone in completely feels like presenting them with an open wound to poke at. It feels beyond vulnerable. It scares the bejeezus out of me. And I suppose I worry that I won’t recover from doing it. Being someone’s submissive really requires placing a tremendous amount of trust in one human being. More trust than I’ve ever placed with any human on this planet. Now of course I go into this knowing I have a choice. At any time I can say I don’t want to do it any more and I can stop being his submissive. But on so many levels I love doing it. I like the challenge, I like the idea of being able to really trust someone with all my thoughts and foibles. I just think it may take the rest of my life to get there. I’ve always been someone who, to my detriment, bottles things up inside. In many ways I’m tightly wound. I have a hard time expressing difficult emotions, particularly in a mature and constructive way. I have a hard time trusting. I grew up with a mother who would tell family friends (and acquaintances) embarassing and personal things about me at the drop of a hat (she still does and she wonders why I never call her or tell her much of anything about my life), so of course I have a hard time trusting. (And sadly, I sometimes suffer from her particular stupidity of not realizing that someone might not want me to share the info I’ve just shared about them. I try very hard to rein it in, however.)

There was a situation recently which I have a hard time with. MasterDoc asked for my password to a site so he could read my correspondence there. I have a hard time with him reading correspondence with someone else because I feel that whoever’s writing to me has a right to expect that I’m the only one who reads their email. (I ultimately didn’t give him the password.) What if they tell me something in one of those emails that they would tell me but not MasterDoc? It’s really not fair on the other person. MasterDoc raised the issue that I need to trust him that he wouldn’t abuse such power and wouldn’t suddenly micromanage and read all my messages. And you know, I’m sure he wouldn’t abuse it, but I still have reservations about him reading other people’s mail to me. To any subs who read this blog - do you have to provide access to your online accounts to your Dom? Does he/she read stuff that’s sent to you from others that was meant for your eyes only? How do you feel about this? How do the other people feel about this, if they know? I know if I sent emails to someone, expecting that only they would see it, I would be pretty pissed off to find out that they let someone else read all my thoughts and confessions. I see this as an ethical quandary. I also want to keep a certain amount of privacy for myself (a big part of why I identify as sub but not slave) and not have to write every email wondering if perhaps MasterDoc is going to read it and how he might react to it. (He agrees that I should have some amount of privacy.) I treasure my freedom of speech, I’m a librarian after all, but it’s arguable that I should feel comfortable telling him anything and everything I tell another person.

But what would happen if I trusted? What am I worried about? I truly and completely believe that MasterDoc would not abuse such power. Ultimately, he expects that when he tells me to do something that I will do it (of course I can have the expectation that he will always do so with care for my well being and best interests). He’s never done anything that could be construed as untrustworthy. He’s never put me in a situation where I was traumatized. Most of the time he leads me into the most delightful of situations, and always he keeps an eye out for my well being. So I find myself giving a lot of thought to what it means to truly submit and while a part of me balks at it part of me feels that it’s really what I want to do. It’s just scary opening yourself and your life up to someone like that. It’s not easy giving up that much control. I hope I can manage to really open up, for the first time in my life. It’s a struggle for me and will continue to be so.