Diary of a Kinky Librarian

So of course after my last emotional post, I have to follow up with the outcome of our talk. (It happened a day earlier than we thought it would.) Now, the way I couched things last time, MasterDoc sounds like a bit of an asshole, and people reacted accordingly. But lest you all wonder why the heck I’m with him, let me tell you about our talk. As he always is, MasterDoc was calm and easygoing when we discussed the issue. He sat down with my blog entry and went over it, point by point. And it became clear that my point of view was just that - my point of view - and not necessarily the crux of the matter.

He pointed out that really, once I called him up on Friday and said I didn’t want my restraints used, I had won. He agreed not to use them. Issue solved. He does respect the fact that I have some say in how my toys are used. All I had to do was state a strong preference. Part of the issue is that as a submissive I often feel like I have no power at all. When I come across something where I disagree with him, I get this internal struggle going on - the struggle between wanting to please him and wanting to keep myself happy. It’s tough. Would I have gotten so freaked out if I thought it wouldn’t bother him one iota for me to say no about using my stuff? It’s doubtful. He pointed out that he’s hardly going to cut me loose for feeling the way I do about my toys.

We discussed my reasons for not wanting him to use the restraints - and while he thinks the “being the first one to use them” defense is a little silly, he can agree to that. It might not matter to him but fine, it matters to me. But he pointed out that the odds of them breaking from one use was pretty slim. Ok, I have to agree to that. When we discussed my reasoning, I had to admit a huge part of the issue was the violent, visceral reaction I get to the woman he was going to be using them with. For some unknown reason, I feel threatened by her. Is there good reason for me to feel that way? No. But I have a strong reaction when she’s involved with things. This has happened before. Do I need to learn to deal with it? Yes. We’re poly and he has every right to see who he wants. He does his best to make sure I don’t have to spend time with her since he knows I don’t care for her (and even I have to admit I don’t have a good, rational reason to feel that way) but he will continue to spend time with her. And despite my reaction to her, I fully agree that my reaction shouldn’t have a bearing on his relationship with her. I would feel like crap if it did. It wouldn’t be fair. MasterDoc does not, ever, interfere with my relationship with Davey. He goes out of his way to not affect my relationship with Davey. I should give him the same respect.

As for the toy use, he pointed out that while I view it as this other woman using my toys, really and truly it would be him using them, for his pleasure. And since it costs me nothing to do so, why wouldn’t I let him use them? I’m not using them at the time. He’s not depriving me of their use. He understands that while I can admit that it costs me nothing, I do have a strong emotional reaction in this situation. He respects that but asks me to take a good long look at it and see if I can feel differently about it. He recognizes the fact that that could take a long time, or perhaps will never change. For now, I feel quite negatively about it. But from an objective standpoint I can see that, yeah, lending him my toys does not have any real impact on me. And as someone I hold dear why wouldn’t I be willing to lend them to him? I’ll take some time to look at my feelings about this and see what happens. He acknowledged the fact that if a toy has a sentimental value to it (i.e., my crop) that he should be told about that so he can behave accordingly (i.e., not likely to take it out of the house).

So ultimately, all I had to do was talk calmly with him and things could easily be resolved. (Heck, they were resolved when I said, “I don’t want you using my restraints with her.”) He’s a very calm man. Even when I get upset and angry he stays calm. I think he’s good for me in that he’s very rational, whereas I get over-emotional. Like they have always in the past, things were resolved to my satisfaction by simply talking to him. No need to raise voices, shed tears, feel eaten up inside.