I try to write honestly here about D/s. I try to relate my experiences with it - the good and the bad. This week I hit a rough spot when MasterDoc told me that he was going to use my brand new underbed restraints with someone else. I had a problem with this for two reasons - 1) I want to be the first person to use any new toys of mine. After all, it’s mine and what I want should count for something, and 2) I am obligated to write a review of these restraints for Babeland, and should anything go awry with the first use how could I try them out and review them afterward? He knew this would bother me because I’m not friends with the woman he was going to use them with, but he didn’t realize just how upset I’d become. I was eaten up all the rest of Friday thinking about this and how much I didn’t want it to happen. I called him that night to convey that I was “really really upset” and he agreed to not use the restraints. However, we have a talk planned next time we have a chunk of time together. When I talked about it a little online with him the other night (I was in an all-around grumpy mood, ready to pounce on anything bothering me. Being premenstrual undoubtely plays a part, although it’s certainly not the only reason.) he told me that he expected me to change my attitude dramatically.
“So you want me to say it’s fine that you use them with (this woman)?”
“Exactly!” he says, and declares the subject closed for the time being. Not willing to submit on this one I declare that I will start taking my toys home if this is how it’s going to be. He scolded me for continuing the conversation when he declared it over and told me I was to call him Sir throughout the rest of the time we spoke that night. Grrr. I did so, putting as much insolence into the word Sir as I possibly can via the internet. What’s this about submissives being compliant doormats? I can be stubborn. I can be combative. Sometimes I just don’t want to submit. I feel so strongly about this issue that I’m not willing to back down. Of course, this runs contrary to what he wants. I’m partly waiting in anticipation for the conversation, because I would feel better with this resolved somehow; however, I’m also afraid of it because odds are usually quite good that he will persuade me to let him have his way. But if he has his way with this topic, I will feel resentful and angry. Neither of which is conducive to a strong, happy relationship. Neither of which will produce a happy, willing submissive.
He’s used my toys before without asking me, and I objected. He managed to persuade me to let him with the promise that he’d replace anything lost or broken. But in some cases I don’t want to have to replace the toy in question. My crop was a birthday present for my 30th from two very dear friends of mine, and I doubt Babeland still carries that particular style crop. My crop is currently missing. Last time it went missing it was left at this woman’s house. I have no idea where it might be now, but I couldn’t find it around his place last I was there. I’m frustrated when my toys aren’t around to be used with me. They’re mine. It may sound selfish but dammit, this isn’t the playground where I have to make nice and share my toys with the other kiddies. I did not give up my rights to my possessions when I signed on to be his submissive. Clearly this is something for us to negotiate. (His initial argument, by the way, has been that I should be pleased to lend him something that will give him pleasure. I can’t feel pleased when it’s brand new and I haven’t had a chance to use it yet. I just can’t.)
So in the meantime I feel unhappy, because this really needs resolution and resolution is at least a few days off. I feel off-kilter in regards to my relationship with him. I saw him briefly today for the first time in over a week, and while I was happy to cuddle with him the issue at hand just gnawed at me. I’m so afraid of being coerced to submit to something I really don’t want to submit to. The main sticking point is the newness of the toy, although this brings up lots of contrary feelings in me and I start thinking about how I don’t want him to use my toys with someone I’m not friends with. I feel different when he wants to use the toys with S. I’m good friends with her and happy to lend a toy to her fun. This other woman is vaguely an acquaintance. I feel no connection to her. I don’t feel I should be obligated to share my stuff with her.
I’m sure he’ll have a stern comment to leave on this post. But my blog has always been a place where I’m supposed to be allowed to say what I think and not censor myself. I really needed to get this off my chest.
My comment is actually from two people. Myself, and R. My thoughts are similar to his. You’re submissive, not his slave. Your personal property is yours, and he has no right to demand it. I can’t find any excuses for such behavior, nor any good and valid reasons. You GIVE your submission to him. It’s not something he takes from you. It never should be unless you sign a slave contract. Did you? No. Then you still have every right. He would respect your use of the safeword, wouldn’t he? Same thing.
That ends my portion of the comment. Now, on to R.
“Nadia, A true Master/Mistress truly has no power. He/She only has what YOU the submissive give them. If Master over-steps your safe bounds, then you have moved from submissive to slave. You are nothing more to him than property now and a something, not a someone. No longer a relationship. Master has turned to owner. Do not allow this to happen if you are not comfortable. Then again, Master should know your limits and have anticipated this already. Obviously, he either doesn’t know you as well as he thinks he does -or- no longer views you as a part of him. A submissive, yes. But still and always should you be an equal.”
Back to me. *sigh* yet another reason I think R is just all sorts of wonderful.
Yeah, what they said. I really couldn’t have said it any better than Lilly and R. Him not respecting your wishes about YOUR property is very disrespectful. I hope you’re able to come to an agreement on this issue. Sounds tough.
If you had a yummy chocolate bar and left it in your dom’s apartment and he took it and shared it until it was all gone, you would have legitimate cause to be upset; no chocolate left for you=mean dom.
Now suppose you had a magic bag from which anyone could take chocolate bars. Every time you took one another one appeared in the bag. You left that bag in your dom’s apartment and he preceeded, for his pleasure and satisfaction, to supply his friends with chocolate for the enjoyment of him and his guests.
Shouldn’t you be happy to be able to supply him with yummy chocolate? Yes it is your bag so you theoretically have the right to deny your dom such use. But how absurdly selfish would you have to be to deny him what costs you NOTHING? Have you NO eagerness to please him?
Nadia: you are NOT to post any more on this topic until we have talked.
um if chocolate gets broken, it’s still good. if toys get broken, they’re no good to anyone anymore. it’s kinda messed up to push a known boundary and then scold your submissive for not letting you walk all over said boundary. from a submissive: i’d be pissed if someone i didn’t particularly like got to play with my toy before i even got a chance. but then again my D isn’t involved with anyone else so maybe that’s a jealouse monster rearing its head in me. just sayin…
I really have to comment here. I commend you for airing your dirty laundry, so to speak. I’m sure others will identify, as this type of conflict is quite common. Sometimes the lines between play and reality become blurry. It sounds like there are deeper things at stake than the use of her toys. If you would be open to a little constructive feedback, I think you both stand to gain from the benefit of outside perspective. Please keep in mind I’m not taking sides, and I’m not going to play subtle. This might hurt a little, but I promise, it’s for your own good
Nadia, I hope you aren’t using this forum as a pass- ag way of convincing your dom to see the light. It is YOUR job to hold your boundaries. If they are not respected, change the situation. Take your toy bag and go home if that is what is necessary. You have the right to your feelings. You have the right to negotiate rules and boundaries. What happens in the bedroom is play, pretend, acting out roles. The illusion of dominance is given by your choice to submit. If you make the choice consciously, and submit because you love and trust your partner, that’s sexy and empowering. If you submit unwillingly and against your better judgment, that is just caving under pressure, perhaps internalizing the social programming we get as women to be doormats. Emotions are the way our inner selves send messages to our outer selves. That means you feel this way for a reason, and your toys represent something that you need, whatever that is. Step up and decide right now that you will stick to your guns, that your feelings are valid, and you will not allow yourself to be belittled by anyone, doms included.
Doc, you are pushing so hard for the reaction you feel she SHOULD be having. Why? What is this really about for you? Do you realize that your ego is denying, in fact trivializing the reaction that your loved one is PRESENTLY experiencing? Words like “absurdly selfish” are blaming words. Inappropriate for negotiating relationship boundaries. The best dom is not necessarily the one who whips the hardest, and submission is not about your pleasure at the expense of hers. The chocolate bar analogy is irrelevant. We all have emotions. Whether those emotions are rationally justified is a separate issue from the need to have their existence validated. She is trying to express a need to you, and you are hiding behind your dom role. The D/s is a component of the relationship, not the relationship itself.
Unless you have willingly and expressly agreed otherwise, I do not see how it is appropriate to negotiate the boundaries of a relationship while still “playing” D/s roles. Both Dom and submissive are equal when it comes to laying out the rules, being heard, and having feelings respected. In my opinion, you should work to find agreement as to where the play ends and your relationship begins. If you truly listen to each other, Im sure you can create some clear and fair poly/ play rules that work for everyone. Good luck!