Archive for the 'depression' Category

The Past Comes Back Again

Published
by
Nadia
on July 18, 2009
in Uncategorized, anxiety, assault, depression, emotions, recovery and sex parties
. 2 Comments

I’m afraid this isn’t going to be an erotic post. I’ve been feeling triggered the past couple of days and so I’m not in a good mind-space right now. When I say triggered, it’s in reference to the sexual assault that happened to me four years ago. Sometimes I can talk to friends about it and be fine, but sometimes it triggers all sorts of horrible feelings. (If you want details, you can search for the category “assault” on this blog.)
So these feelings have been lingering - fear, anxiety, depression, feeling unsafe, feeling unsettled. I feel like I want to talk about it with someone, but I get so paralyzed with fear that I won’t be listened to again, that I won’t get my feelings validated. So I’ve spent today feeling paralyzed and introverted with depression. It’s not rational, but it’s overwhelming.

However, it’s not all been bad. Last night, MasterDoc decided that in my current state, since it was on my mind anyway, it was the appropriate time to show me an email that was sent via him, for me, about a month ago. Someone on fetlife discovered my profile, enjoyed my blog, but had a nagging feeling he had met me. Digging back in my blog it came to him - he was there the night I was assaulted.

He went through MasterDoc because he didn’t want to contact me out of the blue, didn’t want to be triggering, didn’t want to upset me. But he really, really wanted to be able to say - I’m sorry. He wanted to apologize for not speaking up, for not realizing that things were indeed as bad as they were. It was his first sex party you see, and so when others there defended the issue saying everything was merely a “misunderstanding” he uncomfortably accepted that. He didn’t know any better.

In the midst of my current angst, I have had waves of blessed relief. Relief that someone there has finally said that what happened to me was wrong, and that they are sorry it happened. Relief that my feelings have been validated. It’s something I didn’t really ever expect to happen. First, last summer my friend from that period wrote to apologize for not speaking up more, and now this. Amazing. Validation is so important.

I don’t want to downplay the support and love I received during that period of time from my boyfriend Davey, my friend Christopher, and various other friends who weren’t there that night either. But I had to sever all ties with anyone I knew from those parties because no one would say what happened was wrong. (The aforementioned female friend did think it was wrong, but she wasn’t prepared to get into a whole shit storm with the guy who assaulted me. I have to say that it takes just a simple apology for me to forgive people who were there. It’s not an easy situation to be in, you don’t want to believe that you just witnessed something that will change a person’s life forever. They’re human. While I felt very alone during that period, I can understand that it’s not easy to speak up about. People make mistakes. Apologies do a lot to heal.)

So while this letter was welcome and very healing in many ways, I’m still feeling triggered today anyway. It can take a while to get past it. I went out last night with MasterDoc and our friend S., and I just felt really unsafe and clingy towards MasterDoc. I couldn’t enjoy myself as much as I wanted to. I was really afraid of getting sexually involved with a man I didn’t know.I did manage to let MasterDoc know that I really needed to be taken care of.

Hopefully after writing this and getting my thoughts organized I’ll be able to talk with MasterDoc about this.

Beating and Review: The Curve

Published
by
Nadia
on June 6, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, depression, flogging, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, reviews, sex toys, shio, spanking and squirting
. 0 Comments

It had been a while since he beat me. I got to feeling neglected on Thursday night while he chatted up women online, I should have brought my computer so I could busy myself online as well. I got a little grumpy, but he took me into the bedroom for some cuddles and to point out that rather than getting sulky, when he’s ignoring me I’m welcome to snuggle against him now and then and see if I can distract him from what he’s doing. The next day he ignored me some more, he had an issue to deal with and he let me know that he was grumpy and I should leave him alone. So as per his request, I left him alone. Unfortunately I was feeling really needy for attention. I started to get depressed and so went and snuggled up in bed by myself.

He found me there, and asked if I was tired or just feeling blah. I told him I was feeling blah and he crawled into bed next to me to cheer me up. Later on he would point out that rather than get depressed, I should express my needs so he knows that I need attention. He said he didn’t want to reinforce bad behavior (sulking, getting depressed) so next time I want attention I should ask for it.

Despite his not wanting to reinforce bad behavior, he took some time to cheer me up in the foolproof way - a beating and orgasms. As I said, he hadn’t beat me in a while - I’m not really sure how long. He sucked and nibble on my nipples for a while. He had me get out some toys and my collar, and he had me get on all fours on the bed. He flogged my ass with the little flogger, gradually increasing in intensity. He’d stop and come forward so he could spank my ass with his hands, and to use the flogger on my upper back. Then he’d resume flogging my butt and thighs. He got really rough - I wasn’t sure I could handle it at times.

After several minutes of this, he had me lay on my back. He resumed flogging me, this time on my sensitive inner thighs. He had me put my hands behind my head so he could flog my breasts as well. He has terrific aim, and he hit my nipples mercilessly. He slapped my inner thighs and it hurt so much. He took to slapping, then flogging, my pussy and a few times the leather of the flogger hit my clit directly. Ouch!

I was wincing, squeezing my eyes shut. He got out the blindfold and had me put it on, he said it was easier to beat me if he couldn’t see my eyes. The blindfold blocked out all light and sight. He beat me some more, and I was unable to anticipate the blows. He’d finger my pussy a little, get me breathless and worked up, then start slapping my thighs again.

After the beating, he grabbed my new Curve dildo. I was probably already quite wet, but he used some lube on the toy. “Are you ready to get your pussy stuffed?” “Yes, Sir,” I replied.

The dildo is fairly thick and while parts of the the silicone are smooth the rest is somewhat textured. I needed more lube to get it inserted comfortably. He played with it, thrusting it in and out. The curve met my g-spot, but sometimes if he thrusted too hard he’d bang against my cervix, which hurt. He adjusted his thrust and soon I was moaning as he fucked me with the dildo. After a short while, he reached for the Hitachi Magic Wand and placed it against my clit. Ohmyfuckinggod! Being filled with the dildo and having my clit vibrated with the wand I was close to orgasm in no time. I started to beg.

“Oh, please Sir!” I gasped, “Please let me come! Please, please, please!” I was so close to orgasm I couldn’t stop begging for release. He kept me begging for a little while. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hold back.

With the curve filling me up and the wand working on my clit, when he gave me permission to come I had one of the most amazing orgasms I have ever had. I screamed out. I writhed so that the blindfold eventually slid off my head. I grabbed at his back and the bedsheets. I kept saying, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” over and over again. It was a very long, very intense orgasm, or series of orgasms. I squirted a big puddle on the bedsheets. The combination of The Curve and the Wand is phenomenal. I don’t know that the Curve will be my favorite dildo (I still like the glass dildoes better), but it’s definitely a hit.

The Fun Factory Curve is silicone and therefore sterilizable and phthalate-free. It’s available at sex toys shop Vibrator.com and is in their dildo section. It comes in violet or pink (I was sent my favorite color - violet!) and has a head that comes to a prounounced bump to hit your g-spot. The handle can be used to thrust it or rubbed up against your clit while your pussy is stuffed with the dildo. It’s flexible yet firm.

The Start of the Weekend

Published
by
Nadia
on May 30, 2009
in D/s, bdsm, depression, dom and emotions
. 0 Comments

(I’m back dating this entry to Saturday, when I actually wrote it. Shortly I’ll follow this up with an entry on how much better the weekend got.)

I was hoping to have more sexy stories to share with you, but unfortunately last night my back bothered me a great deal and I was depressed. I discovered yet another reason why it’s wonderful to have a doctor for a Dom, he can use his knowledge of anatomy to give you one fantastic back massage. He really presses and digs in where it needs to be loosened up and I feel much better immediately afterward.

I think I’ve been nursing a bit of a depression for at least several days now, but it didn’t dawn on me until last night. I felt incapacitated by the depression (and the backache didn’t help). I started to feel guilty that I wasn’t taking care of MasterDoc like I should (his back was bothering him and he’s still coughing and sick). So then I was adding depression about my lack of ability to fulfill my submissive duties to the depression I already had. MasterDoc is really perceptive though, and he knew to ask if my problem was just the physical part of my back hurting or if there was a psychological aspect as well. I cried a bit, not really entirely sure why I’m depressed. (This is why the illness of depression is so fun - you feel sad and miserable and have no idea why!) Work has been stressful for a long time now, that’s about all I can think of. My eating has gotten to be terrible (lots of junk) and I’m feeling more and more demotivated to exercise.

Now granted, if my back hadn’t hurt (it was iffy all day but then vacuuming MasterDoc’s living room pushed it over the edge) I probably would have had sex with him and the orgasms would have made me feel much better both physically and psychologically. But we didn’t get that far. MasterDoc was wonderful, making me laugh as best he could and making sure I knew that I’m loved. When I said that I felt bad about feeling bad, he said, “Oh no! We’ll have none of that! You can feel bad all you want but no feeling bad about feeling bad!” Teehee. I hate that I needed taking care of last night, but thankful that MasterDoc understands that I can’t control my depression. He took care of me and I’m really grateful for that.

Today I’m still feeling blue for no good reason. My back is a little better although rather stiff. I did some yoga this morning (after MasterDoc suggested it the night before) which helped get me moving. Hopefully tonight I’ll get out of this funk long enough to have sex - it’s been nearly two weeks now!

Struggling with Polyamory

Published
by
Nadia
on March 23, 2009
in Uncategorized, anxiety, commitment, depression, derangement, happy, non-monogamy and poly
. 2 Comments

I’ll have postings later about sexy stuff. Right now I’m deep in thought about polyamory. Those who follow my twitter will know I went through an emotional maelstrom this weekend when I felt as if my heart had been broken. What had happened is that I had been dreaming of living with MasterDoc and he made it clear that this wasn’t going to happen. He also pointed out that while he loves me, my love for him is probably a bit more intense. The biggest problem lay in my reading of this, rather than what was said. I read it as, “I don’t really love you all that much, nor do I really want to be with you.” And thinking this absolutely broke my heart. I’ve fallen deeply in love with MasterDoc and I can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life, loving me back.

After 24 hours or so of crying, agony, and talking with MasterDoc, the issue managed to subside. Somehow he phrased things differently when we spoke on Saturday night than he had when we spoke on Friday night. And I came to realize that he loves me. He really does. And that my not moving in with him might not be entirely personal - he has various reasons for it. Some of the reasons are personal, and I will get to them in a minute.

Through all this talking also came up the fact that while focusing on MasterDoc I’ve really given Davey short shrift. I haven’t focused on my relationship with him in a while and that’s not fair - and not terribly poly of me. I really hurt Davey recently when I mentioned wanting to go live with MasterDoc rather than him. It seemed like I was intent on pinning down MasterDoc for a monogamous relationship and abandoning Davey and that’s not really something I want. I need to stop treating Davey like shit and start realizing how lucky I am to have two wonderful men in my life. They’re very different from each other, but both love me a great deal. Somehow I had forgotten exactly what polyamory was about - loving, genuinely loving, more than one person. I need to find a balance, and maybe then I can start working on the issues in my relationships with MasterDoc and Davey.

I have issues with jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity. These are ugly things and it doesn’t feel good to admit to them. I’m better able to be happy for Davey when he’s spent time with someone new who he likes, much less so with MasterDoc. Clearly, I’m more secure in my relationship with Davey. (Um, I could really be accused of taking him for granted.) But of course if I want poly to work (and I want to date other people myself) then I need to learn how to deal with these issues. Long ago I decided I didn’t like one of the other women who MasterDoc dates. Now I had met her once or twice and we didn’t really click, but the dislike came from something totally else - I felt threatened that maybe she wanted MasterDoc all to herself. I felt threatened that she would take him away from me some day. I’ve nursed this dislike along, rather than dealing with the real issue and it’s something that’s done nothing but make me unhappy and make MasterDoc unhappy.

It’s time for me to learn to deal with my insecurity. Insecurity is at the root of all my jealousy and possessiveness issues. I feel like I’m not good enough and so the person I love will decide to leave me for someone “better.” I act all clingy and jealous as a result and no one’s happy in the end. MasterDoc is very much a polyamorous person. It’s his true nature. He enjoys spending time with many women, and loving more than one at a time. I have to deal with this. I have to find a way to not feel insecure and to genuinely feel happy for him that he’s seeing someone cool and different. Polyamorists generally call this feeling compersion. But as long as I’m wallowing in jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity I feel nothing but miserable when he spends time with someone new. I’ve come to terms with him sometimes spending weekends with the woman I decided I didn’t like (disliking her rather unfairly as you can see) but when someone new comes along I freak out. A few weeks back when I was dealing with all sorts of issues that put my pussy out of commission, MasterDoc had the chance to invite over a woman who he had met at a couple of parties. I was so bent out of shape over this. I was angry because I hadn’t been able to have sex in a week, we had to cancel Dark Odyssey, and dammit, I wanted to have fun. And also, I worried, what if she’s a better submissive than I am? What if he falls in love with her? Will he leave me?

These little freakouts wind up making me miserable and MasterDoc pretty unhappy as well. I need to learn to deal with these feelings and to be more confident in myself (i.e., he loves me and isn’t going to leave me just because he has a nice time with some other nice woman). I need to learn to identify my jealousy and insecurity so I can deal with these feelings rather than freaking out, or trying to put limits on what MasterDoc can do (not going to happen!). He pointed out that there’s no way I could live with him as long as I have these issues running rampant. What if I came home and he was fucking another woman on the living room floor? Would I deal with it well and just say, “Hey have fun!” and go amuse myself off in the bedroom for a while? (Heh, I think I’d be more likely to see if I could join in, but anyway…) Or will I have a hissy fit and feel terribly inadequate and insecure? MasterDoc is going to fuck other women. He is going to date other women. This is a fact of being with him. If I lived with him and he decided to invite over that woman I’ve decided to dislike, what would I do? Would I graciously leave them to enjoy time together while I found other things to occupy my time? At this point in my life that is highly doubtful. How on earth could I ever live with him while I react like this?

So I’m determined to do a few things. I’m determined to learn to identify my jealousy and deal with it appropriately. (It will certainly take some trial and error.) I want to try to learn how to feel compersion. After all, I want my partners to feel good when I’ve had a nice time with someone else. It will make both myself and my partners happy if I can feel ok with them spending loving time with others, and hell, I want to be happy, not miserable. I’m going to try to get over my irrationally intense dislike of this other woman. I may never become best buddies with her, but I aim to feel neutral about her and her spending time with MasterDoc. I’m going to try to pay more attention to issues I’m having with Davey rather than giving up (MasterDoc has decided to intervene and try to do what he can to help). All this is a mountain of hard work, but god, if I want these men in my life I need to learn to be a better person. If I want to be poly, and I do, I need to learn that my partners being happy is cause for me to be happy, even if I’m not the one making them happy at that point in time. This will take time. In the meanwhile I’m going to do what any good librarian does and research the topic of polyamory and jealousy. I’ve dug out The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities and re-read the chapter on jealousy. I’m going to look through Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships for more advice. And I’m going to talk to other poly people I know to see how they deal with these things. I want my relationships to work. I need to get to working on them.

Weekend

Published
by
Nadia
on February 15, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, depression, flogging, herpes and sti
. 1 Comment

So this weekend didn’t turn out like I thought it would. Alas we did not make it to Dark Odyssey (and basically we donated money to them as it was much too late to get a refund). The bacterial vaginosis I had last week brought on a yeast infection (or at least the antibiotics used to treat it did) and the medicine used to treat the yeast brought on a herpes outbreak like it usually does. So there’s no sex for me this Valentine’s Weekend. Yes, I have V.D. for V.D. (Gotta laugh about it.) I debated being open about it on here or not - I mean, when I don’t have an outbreak I’m very open about it and very into being an activist to destigmatize stis. When I have an outbreak, however, all that goes out the window and the weight of social stigma comes crashing down on my shoulders. I spent a lot of time Friday night and Saturday morning feeling depressed, not just for missing Dark Odyssey but I felt like the sum of my parts was an infectious disease and I felt humiliated and dirty. I actually had thoughts of suicide. Now, the rational part of me (heh, or MasterDoc that is) reminds me that it’s minor disease and I only get one outbreak a year (!), so this will soon pass and life will go on as normal. How horrible would it be to kill yourself over something silly like herpes? But the stigma is such that you really feel awful for having it. Even I, Ms. Positivity about living with herpes, gets super depressed about it. Please, if you know someone with an sti be kind to them, be rational about the risk - they have enough shit on their shoulders from the existing social stigma. They don’t need more from you. The stigma from herpes is always 100 times worse than the virus itself. (I’d also say that the stigma is more contagious, especially if you’re on daily suppressive therapy like I am.)

So after much crying and much depression (and man, was I negative during that time. I really picked on MasterDoc - you’d think I’m miserable with him the way I was talking.) I started to cheer up and realize that I still have a few days off from work, and I’m spending the weekend with MasterDoc anyway. (He’s working a few hours tonight, got an extra shift, but this just means I can take over his new Wii for a few hours. Ha!) Davey already had plans with one of his other girlfriends, and I certainly wouldn’t want him to cancel with her just because my plans had changed. Ultimately, it wasn’t the weekend I had hoped for, but really, how it goes is up to me. I can be depressed all weekend and miserable, or I can enjoy the various parts of it. Tonight I’m determined to enjoy some alone time.

Last night, MasterDoc and I went out to the local bdsm club. After all, my pussy was out of commission but I sure could still be spanked and flogged. I think sometimes I forget how much I enjoy bdsm in its own right, and not just as a precursor for sex. I thought maybe I’d be frustrated getting worked up and not able to finish, but I didn’t feel that way. I got dressed up in my fetish finest (a red pvc dress) and we packed a toy bag and went out.

We spent some time hanging out, watching the slave auction. (Thankfully MasterDoc did not put me in it - I was in no mental state to be given away. I’m sure he knew that.) I don’t know what I expected a slave auction to be like, but somehow it was different than I envisioned.  I think it was reality vs. fantasy at work. For the most part the slaves were pretty normal looking - not like hot fetish models. And some of the male slaves didn’t get bid on. (So sad.) Playing commenced after the auction and we walked around checking out the goings-on. There was a female sub getting flogged but good - two floggers at once even - although MasterDoc said the Dom had no follow through and he wasn’t hitting her as hard as he hits me.

I was anxious to play as after my depression earlier that day I really felt like a beating would do me good. We found a spot with a padded bench for me to lean over. MasterDoc put on my collar and had me pull down my panties and tights. He flogged me and my pain tolerance was pretty good. I enjoyed the feeling of being hit. Then he switched to his hand and hit the same spot on each cheek over and over and over again. Man, that hurt. Now one of the problems with playing at a club is the loud music - you don’t get the feedback from noises that you do in a quiet environment. I did cry out louder when it hurt too much. I felt pushed but ultimately after I felt really, really good. He flogged me some more and I hit subspace somewhere along the way. Afterwards, he sat down and I asked if I could sit down. He said not yet and I started feeling funny like I really needed to sit down. With the collar on I should have said, “I need to sit down, Sir.” but I felt so weird that all I got out was, “I need to sit down.” I got scolded for that, but he did let me have a seat. He held me for a few minutes as I recovered.

We moved on and found another place to play, this time it was a doctor’s examining table for me to bend over. (How appropriate!) MasterDoc remembered my none too subtle hints about wanting my hands cuffed behind my back and he got my cuffs out of the bag. He secured my wrists together behind my back and gave me a flogging. I liked the feeling of being helpless, but my shoulders started to ache after a while. Unfortunately they ached before my butt was done. The spanking was cut short. MasterDoc told me to stand up and I couldn’t with my hands behind my back. He tried to help me but my shoes just slipped out from under me. After a few moments of feeling completely helpless he uncuffed me and I got up. We enjoyed a soda, and then called it a night.

I’m hoping if I’m a lucky girl that I’ll get another beating this weekend. Fingers crossed!

2008 in Review

Published
by
Nadia
on January 1, 2009
in D/s, Uncategorized, assault, bdsm, best sex bloggers, caning, depression, edge play, exhibitionism, fisting, masochism, orgasm on command, pillow princess, piss play, sexuality and year in review
. 0 Comments

I didn’t have plans to do this, but I’ve seen some of my favorite bloggers post year end summaries for the past year and I decided to spend some time today reading through my entries to take a look at the year that was 2008. (I spent hours today re-reading my entries from this year. Damn, I write a lot!)

I started off the year having a great sex, albeit with the hindrance of prozac killing my libido and response. I didn’t consider myself a masochist at the start of the year, but in early February I changed that identification of myself. On the other hand, I started off the year bruising quite nicely, but now I barely bruise on my ass. I was also struggling with coming on command - not quite able to hold myself at a peak of arousal and not always able to come when permission was granted. Davey watched me get Dommed by MasterDoc and MasterDoc made me eat out of a bowl on the floor like a dog. MasterDoc and I continued doing shows for strangers.

In February I fucked a black guy for the first time in my life, and the entry was titled (at MasterDoc’s insistence) “BBC and Me.” My dose of prozac was lowered, which helped my libido and ability to come, but not by much (didn’t help my depression). MasterDoc decided we were going to lose weight together and we embarked on exercising and eating better. S. and I gave Davey a surprise threesome for his birthday.

In March I spent a lot of time reflecting on submission, what it means to me and why I do it. It’s been good to re-read those entries. I also waxed poetic about being face slapped. I suffered a bout of depression and clearly the lowered dose of prozac wasn’t adequate. It was also nearing the anniversary of the time I was sexually assaulted at a play party, and I still dwelled quite a bit on that.

In April I started off the month reflecting on why I enjoy public sex.  Davey, MasterDoc and I attempted double penetration but were unsuccessful (this is still true). I participated in sugasm for the first time. I wrote a bit about feminism and submission. We used a female condom for sex one time. I masturbated without permission and felt horribly guilty about it and confessed right away. At some point along the way I fell in love with MasterDoc. I had a challenging evening when we had a woman guest and I felt superfluous to the whole situation.

In May I proclaimed my average-ness. I started lusting after Photoshop and Dreamweaver to make my own site (I was still on blogspot at the time). And MasterDoc’s Puppy came for a visit. I had the first hint that maybe I could come without genital stimulation at some point. I purchased this domain and started trying to figure out how to get a blog up and running. I ended up going with wordpress, which I got installed for me.

My ass actually blistered a little bit after a spanking in June during one of our shows. I got called a pillow princess and reflected on my selfishness in bed, resolving to be less selfish. I discussed being assaulted three years ago at a play party and worked some more on dealing with the residual trauma from that. The swing club we frequent added a spanking bench, much to my and MasterDoc’s joy. I got swatted with a cane for the first time. I got good enough at riding the edge of orgasm that I could come when given the command (with genital stimulation).

I officially moved to kinkylibrarian.net at the start of July. (Looks like a few entries didn’t carry over when I made the switch. The old blog is still up, however.) I started talking about an interest in edge play like needle play and cutting. D.S. came for a visit and we had a very hot simultaneous orgasm. I contemplated many things like leading a double life, masochism and submission. I finally came without genital stimulation - and squirted too! I was on wellbutrin (in addition to prozac) for a little while by this time, and my sex drive had fully returned. I talked a little about early D/s experiences. I despaired over being denied orgasm, but was thrilled to have MasterDoc come in my mouth for the first time. MasterDoc and I had been seeing each other for a year by the end of this month.

In August I started participating in Half Nekkid Thursday, which I’ve done sporadically since. I struggled a bit with being a submissive and really opening myself up to someone - including giving MasterDoc my passwords to a few sites. We went to a hot (HOT) pool party. I started blogging over at Best Sex Bloggers. I spoke out about STIs and education. I had a very hot round of anal sex with MasterDoc, where I asked for more lube but then came really hard when he fucked me without adding lube. I enjoyed a moment of schadenfreude when I got to watch the online downfall of the guy who assaulted me (Jefferson). I don’t think I’ve blogged about the assault since - the experience of seeing him called on his bullshit by so many people really helped me heal a great deal.

September started out with me adding Babeland as an affiliate. (Still hasn’t netted me any money, but I still feel good about promoting that business.) I made the list of Top 100 Sex Bloggers. I also started reviewing toys, first for Lelo then for Babeland. Davey and I had a foursome while on vacation. MasterDoc and I gave an impromptu show one afternoon, then saw a couple in the evening. It dawned on me that our little shows technically make me a sex worker. I saw D.S. for one last time before he moved to San Francisco. I added Vibe Review as an affiliate at the end of the month.

In October, I put a toy into MasterDoc’s ass for the first time. I also wrote the terrific line, “I was a horny mass of sluttiness at that point.” I continued to try to get my head around the idea of him pissing on me. I wrote a little about dealing with depression while being submissive and how a beating can really make me feel better. MasterDoc made me come by slapping my clit. I talked about my early sexual and bdsm experiences. I had a bout of depression and cried during a scene - really cried - for the first time.

By November I could come at MasterDoc’s command quite well. I got philosophical about how change is an integral part of life. I came and squirted from being spanked at a swing club and later that night got fucked up the ass in public for the second time. One evening I became so turned on that I couldn’t turn off - and that ended up being the night that MasterDoc peed on me for the first time. I was so turned on and so deep into submission that I came as he peed on my clit. I went to the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar party and met a bunch of fellow bloggers. I also participated in Pleasurists for the first time. I come some more from pain and come again without being touched at all.

I started off December feeling cross with MasterDoc, but things were soon resolved and I wrote a post about how wonderful he is. He had a Domme-in-training come by for lessons and she fucked me with a strap on. The next night, a Dom came over with his three submissives and we had a fun bdsm orgy of sorts. I fisted a woman for the first time. MasterDoc figured out that he could use my new anal beads as a whip. Yikes. I fell ill with a stomach virus and actually turned down sex one day. But we used that time to go over my bdsm checklist and see what limits could be pushed in the future that perhaps we’ve been neglecting. We finished off the year going to a gangbang party last weekend.

All-in-all it’s been a hot year and I’ve come a long way with coming on command. I enjoyed reviewing my year via my blog but jeez, I really was at it for several hours. Thank you all for reading and I hope to have more adventures in 2009.

Puddle

Published
by
Nadia
on November 2, 2008
in Uncategorized, depression, orgasm denial, sex, shio and squirting
. 0 Comments

Davey and I went to a friends’ Halloween party last night. It was a fun time, I drank too much, but I couldn’t resist leaning over to Davey at one point and saying, “Regular parties are so dull compared to the type of parties we usually go to.” *grin* After all, there was no nakedness, no sex! All there was to do was stand around, eating, drinking and talking. This pervy girl is just used to a very different kind of party. Still, it was good to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while, and to dress up for a night.
The night before I spent with MasterDoc. I was still in a funk when I got to his place in the evening. I was grumpy and depressed, but I had made a conscious decision earlier that day to be nice and not cranky. He was catching up on some much needed sleep when I got there, so I got dinner together while he slept as he had asked me to do, and attacked the mess in the kitchen. I have to say, while I’m glad I’m with a Dom who’s not a neat freak, I do wish that he was a little less messy. He can’t help it, it’s his ADD but it seems like there’s a never-ending mess every time I go over there. Still, I try to take care of it as good naturedly as I can, and he frequently thanks me for taking care of him. Appreciation makes a huge difference.

After he got up we had dinner and he debated if we were going out or staying in. I voted for staying in but said that I could probably get myself into the mood to go out if that’s what he wanted. (I was depressed, but not so bad I couldn’t be a little social, although that wasn’t my preference.) We cuddled for a bit and he got a call from a guy we’ve met at the club. The guy wanted to know if we were going to be there (I’m sure the club is much more fun when we’re there than when we’re not!). MasterDoc invited him up to see us instead (but he never got back to us). Ultimately he decided that we would stay in.

I was in the right mind frame to be cheered up. I felt down but open to feeling better, which I don’t always feel when I’m depressed. We straightened things up a bit, I showered and then went out to get us ice cream as I was totally craving it. (With the depression my eating has been terrible lately.) At one point, he comes up to me (naked, as he usually is) and starts kissing me and we found the one perk of me being tall - his cock fit right up against my crotch as we stood face to face. He moved his hips a little, and my tingling clit could feel his hard cock rub against the outside of my jeans. We kissed and I got so aroused.

After we had hung out for a while, he told me to go kneel in front of the armchair in the living room. He ordered me to make myself as accessible as possible, so I took my panties off. (I was in blouse, bra and panties at this point.) He told me to spread my legs apart and play with myself. I leaned over the chair and thrust my right hand between my legs. I was a little wet already. He had me get myself all warmed up. I was feeling so lustful that night that I was aching for a fucking in no time flat. Luckily, he decided to come over to me and fuck me from behind, right there as I bent over the chair. His cock felt amazing and I teetered on the edge of coming. It is such agony when he makes me wait to come but I get into such a state of heightened arousal that I suppose the agony is worth it. He told me that he wanted me to hold myself on the edge, and I’m sure he could tell from my gasps and moans that I was dying to come. He teased me for a while. I was a blubbering mess, desperate to come. He really knows how to get me into the state where I would probably agree to anything, or nearly anything, if only he’d let me come. Finally, he said the magic word, “Come.” And I immediately started to orgasm. His cock got pushed out and he held onto me as I kept coming and coming. I even squirted, oh about a gallon, as I came even after he had stopped fucking me. Everything with him is just so intense. I left a puddle under me which he had me sop up with a towel.

After I caught my breath we took a break and had the ice cream. Sex and ice cream certainly improve my mood. (Oh and yes it’s not just the sex and ice cream, being with MasterDoc helped my mood a great deal.) We had more sex after that, but silly me I can’t recall the details! It was hot, wonderful, I had more orgasms and it generally helped my mood immensely. I think perhaps he fucked my brains out because I really am drawing a blank on the details for the rest of the night.

Submission and Depression

Published
by
Nadia
on October 26, 2008
in depression, mental illness and submissive
. 1 Comment

I’m not ashamed to talk about my struggle with depression. Not any more ashamed than I would be if it were something like diabetes I was talking about. I look at it as a chronic illness I have learned to live with. Sometimes it’s easy to deal with and I feel fine, other times it comes around again and I have to struggle.

It’s not easy being a good submissive when you’re depressed. When mired in depression it’s hard to find the energy to take care of yourself, much less take care of your Dominant. I find myself in a bad headspace and I have a much harder time controlling my tongue and emotional responses. Submission requires a measure of self-control as well as the control of your Dom. As a good and obedient submissive I’m expected to be respectful and watch my tone when speaking to him, but when I’m depressed it’s much harder to do so.

I struggled with the beating on Friday because of where my head was. In the heat of it I felt angry, resentful and just terrible. I cried out more than usual and louder than usual because of how I felt. I put my hands out to cover my thighs when it hurt rather than taking it like I would have normally. I felt the urge to fight rather than submit. But despite having a hard time with it, it certainly wasn’t a traumatic event. My relationship with MasterDoc is such that even when I’m in a bad mood I know deep down that he watches out for me. He didn’t dish out anything that day that I couldn’t truly take, and as I sobbed uncontrollably he held me and gave me the aftercare I really needed. I’m sure it’s hard for someone outside the lifestyle to understand, but his beating me that day was done out of love and a desire to help me feel better. I often feel calmer and more centered after a good beating. Unfortunately I was depressed enough that it took more than that that afternoon. But I think somehow I needed to have the fight beaten out of me. I needed to be broken down so I could just cry and feel the horrible feelings inside me. I’m sure a few people would question my feminist credentials at this point, but emotions are complex things. Submitting isn’t necessarily a weakness. Being broken down can mean something bad, or it can be the opportunity for you to let go of negative feelings and then be rebuilt again, better than before. I won’t sob uncontrollably around everyone, but in the context of a scene it felt okay to let go and feel what I was feeling. It was a safe environment for me. I knew that he would take care of me.

Depression is hard on any relationship, but in the D/s dynamic it can be particularly hard. After all, MasterDoc is used to being able to control me -  and that includes making me feel better when I’m down. When I linger in a depressed state, and I can’t even explain what I’m depressed about (because I don’t know), I’m sure it makes him feel powerless. I know it makes him worry about me. I worry that the depression will cause problems between us. When depressed I feel down on myself and start thinking that my significant others would be better off without me. When I’m not depressed I realize that that judgement is up to them, not me. But depression clouds judgement and makes it hard to act maturely and rationally. On Friday night, instead of trying to be seductive when MasterDoc was focusing on my friend, or at least pulling him aside to explain that I needed attention and was having a hard time, I just curled up, withdrew and sulked. In my foggy mental state I couldn’t figure out how to constructively convey what I needed. I was afraid to speak up because I figured he would just tell me I was being whiny. But I shouldn’t underestimate him. He could tell that I really was in a bad place mentally and not being a pain in the ass intentionally. He took the time to take care of me, to pay attention and to give me orgasms to make me feel good physically and mentally. I’m really thankful I have him in my life. I’ve always needed someone who was strong enough to deal with my getting depressed and being mentally ill. It’s not an easy thing to live with - whether you’re the one who’s depressed or your lover is the one who’s depressed. But he’s strong, and because of that I feel like it’s okay for me to sometimes be weak around him.

Tears and Orgasms

Published
by
Nadia
on October 26, 2008
in D/s, bdsm, depression, flogging, sex, spanking and squirting
. 0 Comments

I spent Friday with MasterDoc. It was a quiet day for the most part and unfortunately I’ve been dealing with depression again. My mood was a pretty negative one, and so when we got down to fooling around I wasn’t really in the right mindset. I sucked his cock for a while but my jaw hurt and I was feeling cranky. He said that he knew what I really wanted, and that was a beating. I hoped that it would release some endorphins and help me feel better. My mood was really taking a nosedive, so when he had me kneel in front of the chair in the living room, and then said something a bit harsh (though for the life of me I can’t recall what he said), I started to cry a little bit before he even laid a finger on me. And so once he started spanking me the tears just continued to come. He hit me pretty hard and pretty long. He used the strap on me and the heavy flogger. He gave my upper back a good hard flogging. While at the time it seemed rough and hard to take I think ultimately it was cathartic to have a good hard beating. I cried a little throughout.  I had long said that I’d like to cry during a beating or spanking, and that it would be cathartic. It wasn’t quite like I had imagined it to be. I really felt down and stressed and emotional.

He had me sit down in front of the chair and he took to slapping my thighs with the strap and my pussy with his hand. The strap on the thighs hurt so much I cried out and covered my thighs with my hands and really burst into tears. He held me, telling me I was a good girl and telling me to breathe more slowly. It took a few minutes for me to calm down and in the heat of the moment I felt wretched. He asked if I could use a cuddle and I said that I could. We went to the bedroom and lay down, I continued to cry as he held me. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and escape the world at that point. He had hit me hard enough to bring blood to just below the surface of the skin on my ass, something he hadn’t done before. Initially it seemed that the beating didn’t help my mood, but after I had some time to cry and rest I did feel much calmer afterward. Still, my mood wasn’t fantastic. I felt really needy.

We went out that night with a friend of ours and on one level it wasn’t great to have a friend along since I really needed attention. However, I did enjoy having her there and once I got some attention I was able to enjoy her company more. We ended up in the bdsm room where MasterDoc put her on the spanking bench and gave her a spanking. He had me join in on rubbing her ass at the outset, then I sat down to watch as he spanked her. I was feeling whiny and needy and since my thoughts were so negative at that point I worried that I would be totally forgotten and ignored. I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.

MasterDoc checked in with me and I was able to articulate what was going on - I felt like I needed more attention than usual rather than less attention and I was in an awful mood being ignored. He finished up with my friend then came over to me on the bed. He had me get naked and told me to get out a toy to get me off. I took out the magic wand. He plugged it in to the wall and put it to my clit. He also played with the archer wand inside me. My friend licked and stroked my breasts while he did this, and in no time I was begging to be allowed to come. He had me hold off for a little but when I was given permission, I came really hard and he kept up the vibration on my clit. I thought my head was going to explode, I just came and came and came. I screamed and I think I drew a bit of a crowd. I just got lost in the orgasms. He doesn’t usually have me come for so long. Afterward, he and my friend said it was wonderful to watch me as I came. I squirted a bit as I came.

MasterDoc decided to fuck me, and had me get on my hands and knees. (Our friend wandered off and found someone to play with/fuck.) He didn’t get his cock inside me but instead fingered me, and again I was begging for release. He had me come over and over again and I felt just completely amazing. That man is just amazing with what he can do to my body. At any point in time he is capable of making me feel so incredible. We took a break, then he decided to fuck me as I was on my back. I was so turned on and so close to orgasm the entire time. I tried holding off on asking to come for as long as I could. I didn’t come that round, but then he fucked me from behind again and I finally broke down and begged, “Please.”

“Please what?”

“Please may I come, Sir?”

He let me come and for quite a while my vaginal muscles didn’t push his cock out. I kept screaming and moaning as he fucked me. It was so wonderful to be given so many orgasms. Eventually I pushed him out (I hate when that happens). As we lay on the bed, me catching my breath, I couldn’t stop telling him how wonderful he is and thanking him for letting me come. I felt amazing.

We took a break and hooked back up with our friend. After a little while we ended up in the back room and MasterDoc gave our friend a taste of the TENS unit. He put one pair of electrodes on one breast and had me put the other pair on her other breast. He fiddled with the controls and I stroked my friends’ breasts, neck, and hair. She didn’t mind it when it was on her breast, but he put a couple of the electrodes on her pussy at first and she had a harder time dealing with the pain from that. As he played with the controls for the electrodes on her breasts I could see he was enjoying turning the juice up and down. It’s easy to forget he’s a bit of a sadist as in many ways he’s really, really sweet. But at times like that it’s clear he enjoys inflicting pain. He continued to play with the controls, but then also slid some fingers into her pussy and fingered her. He brought her to a loud orgasm (I think she was louder than me, which is really saying something). All in all she enjoyed the TENS unit but didn’t like it so much on her pussy.

We packed up and headed home. Somewhere in the course of the evening I lost the case with my medication in it, so we spent some time searching the club for that and my Nea. We never found either, but MasterDoc still needs to check his car. I’m really bummed about losing the Nea. We ended up taking a side trip to my apartment so I could get more medications. I was really tired by the time we got to his place and I went straight to bed. I had to get up and go to work the next day, but I’m due to go back to his place this evening. I was in a better mood yesterday after having all those orgasms, but I’m still feeling a little down. I’ll be glad for more cuddles tonight.

Beating Depression

Published
by
Nadia
on October 12, 2008
in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, bdsm, depression, flogging, masochism, mental illness, orgasm denial, sex, spanking and submissive
. 1 Comment

I’m prone to depression, have been since I was young. These days, I’m happy most of the time - I have the proper medication and feel on an even keel usually. But on Friday night I hit a rough patch and was severely depressed. I have no idea what brought it on but I had been feeling very anxious earlier in the day. It could be thanks to a change in medication, could just be hormonal. Whatever it was, I was seriously depressed. I spent the better part of two hours crying, not knowing why I was crying. I was a mess. MasterDoc hugged me and was wonderful to me, but he wasn’t feeling well himself so he wasn’t up to beating me. I know it sounds strange, but the two of us knew that was something that would turn my mood around. I got up the next morning and went to work, still feeling wretched.

I went back to MasterDoc’s that night after work and picked up some ice cream on the way. Yup, I was looking to self-medicate. Thankfully, MasterDoc felt better and he decided that we would spend the evening in and a beating would ensue since I was feeling so bad. We had ice cream, then dinner, then he had me put my collar on and get on my knees by a chair in the living room. He had me put the blindfold on and he sat in the chair in front of me. He put clothespins on my nipples and flicked the clothespins with his fingers. He had me bend over the chair. Using his hands and other implements he really beat on my ass. My pain tolerance was good and so the sensation mostly felt soothing and good. Yes, I know I’m a strange girl. It’s amazing how wonderful pain can make me feel. It’s counter-intuitive to react that way but it’s just how I am. He beat me for a while, even taking the heavy flogger to my upper back for a bit. It’s a bit like meditation to be beaten - you get into this other mental state, which is usually referred to as subspace. He was fairly rough with me, but I felt better and better as the beating went on.

He gave me the magic wand and had me use it on myself. I was so turned on from the beating. I kept pressing the vibrating wand into my clit. I asked for permission to come, but he didn’t let me right away. He kept beating me, sometimes it really hurt, but most of the time it was cathartic. My arousal grew as I continued to use the vibrator on myself. He finally gave me permission to come, and oh my god did I come hard and long. I felt like I could just keep coming forever. He gave me some lashes with the whip end of my slapper while I came - it’s really something else what I can take during orgasm. Pain that is usually too much is bearable somehow. Between the orgasm and the beating, I felt so much better afterwards. It’s like a miracle cure for my depression. I suppose it’s the endorphins that are released, but whatever it is, it works.

We hung out for a little while, watching tv and whatnot and he had me take my collar off. I felt subdued. A little while later he put some porn on we watched for a while. I felt entranced by the kinkiness going on. He told me to get myself warmed up, that he was going to fuck me. I used the little red vibrator on my clit and was hot and bothered again in no time. Despite not having the collar on, I felt like it was appropriate to call him Sir and so I did throughout the scene. We went to the bedroom and he fucked me while I lay on my back. I tried to hold off on asking for an orgasm, but eventually I gave in. He didn’t let me come then, and afterward he asked me to take even longer next time before asking permission. It’s so hard not to ask for permission, I get so incredibly worked up and on the verge of orgasm. Sometimes it feels like I won’t be able to hold back, but so far I’ve always managed to have enough self-control. I worry that someday I’ll slip. He finished fucking me and we cuddled a bit.

He had me lay on my side and he tried to enter me from behind. The angle wasn’t right so he said he guessed that he would just have to fuck me up the ass then. He had me lube up my ass to get it ready. It took some work to slide his cock in, the angle just wasn’t very good. I complained about the angle but he didn’t stop. It was uncomfortable, but his continuing on despite this got me so hot. I really do think I’m a bit wacko as pain can make me feel so good. In another context I’d have felt traumatized or violated, but with him I got wildly turned on and when he told me to come I came. Rowr. Very hot butt sex. Mind you, with someone else I might not have reacted so well. I think it makes a huge difference that I know he knows what he’s doing, and he wouldn’t truly hurt me - not in a bad way.

I snuggled up to his chest, but I was feeling really lusty so I started to caress his chest and lick it. He stroked his cock while I did this and I kept it up, feeling oh so passionate and sexual. He was breathing heavy and I did my best to make him feel good. When he came, he came all over my tummy. It was gooey. I was eager to take a shower at that point, but he said for that I would have to stay with his come on me. While it was gooey I was longing for a shower, but once it dried I kinda liked being a dirty girl with his come on me. In the end I slept with it on me and showered in the morning. Did I mention that by this point my depression was completely gone? I’m feeling much better, although I do feel like I could go for another beating. MasterDoc called me a greedy girl when I mentioned that.